Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

March 16, 2015

the middle states

I’ve heard from around that Penang drivers are the worst in Peninsular Malaysia. While I agree that the general population of Penang aren’t exactly good drivers, but I think they are still far from the ‘worst’, if one wants to start this stereotype shit.

In my arrogant opinion, the worst has to be those from the ‘middle states’, you know, ‘W’ or ‘B’ plates (KL, Selangor). Why? Everyone knows the fuck why. Middle state drivers consistently suck ass. You randomly grab any Penang driver, the guy’s just a loser who does random acts of annoyance like drive too slow, late indicators, pfffft, just being annoying. But if you were to grab a driver from a ‘W’ or ‘B’ plates, you’d see a disturbing pattern of dangerous habits that endangers the public – like :

Overtaking in emergency lanes.
Favorite past-time in traffic jam for these middle-state degenerates. If you’re in a traffic congestion, you’re bound to see a constant stream of ‘W’ or ‘B’ plated drivers overtaking in high speed on the emergency lane like they’re paid to do so. They’d then shove into the main traffic at the end of the lane – rendering the congestion even worse. It’s inconsiderate, and downright fucking dangerous. On and off you’ll read in the papers about these morons plow into a stationary truck and die, but that happens almost not often enough to deter these motherfuckers from getting themselves bagged and inconvenience others.

Illegal U-turn.
For some strange reasons, the ‘W’ and ‘B’ plated drivers aren’t very good with their memory, as they can’t seem to be able to remember routes and shit. I’d credit that to the evolution at KL – the city council of KL changes the traffic routes so often, that the dwellers there developed what I would call a ‘memory atrophy’, you know, the special part in your brain that memorizes traffic routes and stuff? It got 86-ed from gross under utilization. Because of that, they get lost all the time and always have the compelling need to perform illegal u-turns. Any empty space to the opposite traffic can become their illegal u-turn spot. God knows how many strays or people have been killed from the spontaneous illegal u-turns by a ‘W’ or ‘B’ plated fuckwad.

Speeding in a parking lot, residential area.
They’d speed like it’s a sin to slow down in these areas. I credit to the same biological mutation that made them forgetful, the constant need to find a parking space pronto also made them paranoid about not managing to get a parking spot just because they’re a few seconds too late. Ergo, the compelling need to speed through speedbumps and shit to get from A to B. If they encounter a slower driver in the way, they’d go to the opposite traffic and overtake (in the parking lot or residential area). There’s little room to be considerate because a parking lot to them means life or death (or the 3rd option, double park – see below).

Double parking (more of an annoyance than being dangerous).
They do it all the fucking time. Reason? No reasons needed. But my best guess is years of practice on being a too of a sore miser from paying a parking fee skewed their mental capacity (in a biological, unfixable way) to think rationally. Or simply the reason above – biological mutation. So, when they want to go somewhere, they’d double park the shit out of everyone like they’re entitled to leave their car anywhere they like in their own bubble of reasoning. I’ve once seen a ‘W’ plate that even double parked in front of an empty spot! Can you fucking believe that? People would usually respond to that with constant honkings to the double-parking asshole that would never come, me, I’d simply key his shit and go for a cup of tea (Oh yeah I key people’s shit all the time).

etc…

Few of the many habits of the middle state drivers. Can’t possibly list them all. They’re probably the ones that made up stories like how Penang drivers are the suckiest of the bunch, perhaps to make up the they time they lost in traffic everyday in the middle states, and salvage what is left of their self esteem.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
January 21, 2015

most awesome instant noodle

You guys have probably heard of some bold claim about how good that MyKuali Penang White Curry Mee is… that it has even won some awards or something like that… and some even claimed that it’s the best and dopiest instant noodle in the world! (this has somewhat propelled the local brand to international fame, and everyone wants a piece of it).

I think it’s a load of crap. Not only it tastes nothing like the real shit, but it definitely isn’t the ‘best and dopiest’ instant noodle in the world (it’s still far from it) – if one has to be that reckless to make such bold claim of it ruling over every variety there is in the realms of instant noodles. In fact, if you were to pitch that MyKuali to strictly with ‘Curry’ flavor, it still doesn’t make the cut as the best in its class.

So, what the fuck? If I get to pick, the best and dopiest instant noodle in the world has to be Cintan’s Asam Laksa (blue color) flavored instant noodle. Bear in mind, it has to be Cintan’s brand only. There are other clones out there made by Maggi or Mamee or some other wannabe’s but trust me, you do not want to try those. Get only Cintan’s Asam Laksa.

Now why do I think it’s the best in the world?
– It’s spicy. It isn’t burning hot kind of spicy per se, but just at the right amount of hotness. It’s perfection in its most modest form.
– It’s good. The whole thing just tastes delectable, with a little hint of aromatic fish taste in it. Words can’t describe its taste but, one has got to fucking try it to believe it.
– It’s fast. Cintan makes great springy noodles. Takes only 2.5 mins to cook the shit in the microwave with 360ml of water. Let it sit for 1 min, you’re good to go. MyKuali takes decades to cook and never soft/springy enough.
– It’s simple. There’s just a soup base pack, and you pour that thing in after you cook the noodle and it is magic. It’s as instant as an instant noodle should. I just hate those pretentious instant noodles with a few packs of soup base and oil and something that are just too fucking messy and complex, not to mention generates more trash.
– It’s clean. On top of simplicity in packing the soup base, one of the most important thing is the aftermath. I just fucking loathe seeing thick grease stain in my bowl after I’ve slurped the thing dry. Too messy to clean up. Cintan Asam Laksa leaves no grease, you can fucking flush it with just water and toss the thing in the dish rack.
– It’s addictive. A good instant noodles leaves you wanting for more. Cintan Asam Laksa leaves me wanting for more like no other. *say it with Smeagol’s voice like how James Franco did it.
– It’s rejuvenating. I’d whack one when I get a hangover. I’d whack one if I’m too grossed out with dairy food (it neutralizes my tastebuds). I’d whack one if I have a coffee sickness (too much coffee syndrome). I’d whack one if I have insomnia. I’d whack one if I have food rage after smelling my neighbor’s aromatic curry and would still be satisfied with it. Hell I’d whack one if I have a goddamn sore throat!
– It’s ubiquitous. You can buy this anywhere, and it won’t run out of stock.
– It’s cheap. It’s so cheap, I don’t even know how much it costs. I’d tuck one or two packs of fives in my cart when I have the space. Been replenishing it since I was 17.

If one has to see it, it’s the one circled in red. Try it, you’d wet your pants. (don’t get other flavors, just the blue one)

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
January 12, 2015

actually…

‘Actually’.
[ak-choo-uh-lee]

adverb
1. as an actual fact; really
(as sentence modifier): actually, I haven’t seen him
2. at present
3. (informal) a parenthetic filler used to add slight emphasis: I don’t know, actually

I don’t know if this is just me but, I think it’s one of the most (if not the most) overused word in the Malaysian society. Actually this, actually that. If you guys would spend some time to pay attention to your neighbors or office mates or even your friends speaking English – you’d bound to notice a lot of ‘actually’ in their speeches and it is in the range of ‘TOO OVERUSED’.

Recently, there has been a big group of temporary office dwellers from another dark region in Company T, which kinda ‘noisied’ up my office floor with unrestrained open conversation over active phone calls. From my desk in the office, I could hear the word ‘actually’ getting tossed simultaneously around like those spasm inducing drugs in an underground rave party.

These people, would use ‘actually’ as an emphasis to his/her own identity :
“My name is Jib. I am actually from the Customer Service and I am actually here to tell you if you don’t believe me, you can actually ask my wife.”.

And they would use ‘actually’ in the beginning of each of their sentence, to assert confidence over his / her statement:
“Actually, my proposal would take less time to resolve the problem than the actual time for you to cum over a hot steamy porn, actually”. 

Or to paint an illusion of congeniality to disagree with someone:
“Actually we do not need to involve Customer Service, it is actually out of their scope. We just need to focus on the problem, actually.” 

Or just for the fucking heck of it:
“Actually, I think I actually get what you’re saying actually. I don’t actually have any objections but actually, actually”. 

Or just, simply, actually…
“Wooof actually woof” [if the dog can speak ‘actually’]

It was annoying the first couple of weeks, but after that, I started to mentally replacing this word with ‘fuck’ instead, and caught myself sniggering over meetings and at my desk on the resulting effects. They can be entertaining at times, here let me try it with the sentences above:

“My name is Jib. I am fucking from the Customer Service and I am fucking here to tell you if you don’t believe me, you can fucking ask my wife”.

“Fuck, my proposal would take less time to resolve the problem than the fucking time for you to cum over a hot steamy porn, you fuck”.

“Fuck we do not need to involve Customer Service, it is fucking out of their scope. We just need to focus on the problem, fuck.”

“Fuck, I think I fucking get what you’re saying fuck. I don’t fucking have any objections but fuck, fuck”.

“Wooof fuck woof”

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October 13, 2014

what to look out when buying an apartment/condo – part 2

this is an addition to what I’ve already written in the previous list…what to look out when buying an apartment/condo

Several visits to a few friends’ new homes gave me a few additional small-but-crucial realizations on what a prospective urban dwelling buyer should look for before buying an apartment/condo…

Natural gas.
We need 2 things to survive – water and food. Water needs to be boiled and your food cooked. How do we do that? The cheapest (and most common) way is ‘Natural gas’. We (most of us) are needless to say, fucking dependent on natural gas. Unfortunately enough, we Malaysians do not have gas supply pipelines whooped into our homes. You all fucking know that. If you’re the kitchen guy, you should know that getting your gas supply means someone has to call up some gas guy to deliver those gas cylinders into the fucking house. It is a finite but replenishable supply, just like sugar. But hear this, not every place is in coverage by the gas guy (just like how not every place is covered by Domino’s – it’s about the location/cost). So what do you do? I guess you have to find out yourself if your new apartment/condo is in coverage. Scout around for a grocery store, or ask the neighbors. If it’s not in the coverage, then you’re in for a tough time to decide whether you fancy of having to haul ass to pick up a 14kg gas cylinder into your car and drag it up to your pad. On most days, I’d be pissed to haul ass to buy myself a pack of lunch, let alone lug a 14kg rusty gas cylinder. So it is entirely up to you…

Cell reception.
Ever encountered a colleague who can never be contacted after office hour? Odds are high that the colleague must be working double as a prostitute at night, or he/she has zero cell coverage in his home. Happens all the fucking time. Malaysia is striving to be a developed nation but believe it, there are still urban (nevermind non-urban) places with zero cell coverage (carrier dependent). Do you know how fucking annoying it is to have zero cell coverage? Just pull out your SIM card for a month, you’ll know what I’m talking about. You’ll have to have a landline to be in the civilization, else you’d not be contactable except through data messengers like ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘WeChat’ (provided you have a data plan… or an internet, see more points below for potential problems). This used to be a non-issue about 30 odd years ago, but having cell coverage in your area is as important as having water supply and electricity these days. So, take note of that kemosabe. Just bring several friends with different cell network carriers to the prospective place, and check for cell coverage. You’d be glad that you checked. (fyi, my current home has zero Digi coverage. Thank god I don’t use Digi, it is a fucked up network anyway with equally gay name).

Data reception.
Albeit not as critical as cell coverage, depending on your age and needs, data reception could be a showstopper too. Again, this could be network carrier dependent. Imagine having an ‘Edge’ reception or worse, zero data coverage for your smartphone all the fucking time. You’d be deprived of your rights to Tweet, Facebook in the loo, send up-to-date selfies of you and your dog in compromising positions, to WhatsApp, to solicit for Vietnamese whores on-the-go in WeChat, et al. For me, it’s just being annoying. I mean, I’d get pissed when I have poor data connection at some restaurant. I cannot imagine having a poor data connection all the time at home. It’ll definitely ruin my shit all day having to depend on the stupid wifi over the broadband (which sometimes itself, is not dependable). So, what the fuck? You guys shouldn’t put up with this shit. Check for data reception in the area before you buy the apartment/condo. Get a few friends with data from different carriers to check it out.

Internet access.
If you have zero internet access, you’re needless to say, in the wrong place to exist on this planet. Connectivity is life now. Porns, webcams, torrents, boy you’re going to miss so much life in your existence. In no way you should consider a place with ZERO means to get online. But hear this, there are places that are tricky as shit – they DO HAVE internet access, but limited to low speeeeeeed only. Don’t believe me? Ask my colleague Ernest – whose house only fucking has 1MB broadband connection. He has the dough, and wanted to upgrade to more than 1MB, but the ISP won’t do it for him. The reason? The copper lines in his housing area is as old as shit, and they won’t support anything more than 1MB. And even that 1MB is a placeholder, most of the time he’d get a dialup speed for whatever fuck he manages to load on his screen. Of course he bitched about it, but there’s very little the ISP could do for him. Having no internet is fine (at least you could just wean the whole thing off your life, shave your head and meditate), but having a slow internet is like a girl teasing you with a half boob and tonnes of lap dances, with no action allowed. It’s the saddest thing ever. Just give a ring to the local ISP to check before you sign your name on the S&P for that apartment you’re looking at, you won’t regret it.

****

I’ll list more when I could think of some… (here)

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
February 19, 2014

save the environment

I was accompanying my wife to the ATM inside a hypermart the other day, when a smartly dressed lanky bloke who looked like junkie crossed with that Somalia pirate in ‘Captain Phillips’ approached me with an oversized writing board. On the board, was a sheet of paper full of signatures. Beaming a fake smile, the guy said to me:

“Good evening brother! Support the environment by signing your name here!” – and showed me that aforementioned paper full of signatures….

Now, I don’t know about you guys but, how the fuck do I save the environment by signing my name on a sheet of fucking paper?? Must be some kind of magic that I haven’t heard of. In fact, wouldn’t I be making the environment worse by using paper for those signatures?? Of course I know that the skinny shit stain was there to peddle some stupid product or scheme that latches around the concept of being green (WWF sticker book or some shit like that), and would probably chuck the sheet (or sheets) of signatures at the end of the day into a waste paper basket. Whatever the fuck he was doing there, environment was definitely not the motivation.

But the whole point of it is not about me giving a shit about what he wanted, but the concern of seeing so many gullible fucking stupid idiots that caved to that poser salesman’s horrible attempt to fake charms for a moment’s worth of attention… and actually went on to believe that they’d make a fucking difference by leaving a signature on that sheet of paper there. It shudders me to think that these are the bunch of morons cum idiots that I had to content with in this society and some of their lives are actually intersecting with mine at some point in time. This kinda reminded me of a video about some scientists introducing a pack of wolves at the Yellowstone national park that changed the whole food chain, which also changed the condition of the landscape into a more complete ecosystem, except that these bunch of idiots are tilting the effect at pretty much the opposite direction, and we’re gonna all fucking spiral into a black hole of sohainess (eg. we do not know if one of the signatures could belong to that teacher that is teaching at school… which in turn churn more idiots like her or those Earth Hour fucks and so on…). It’s not a very reassuring picture.

I stared at the guy with an annoyed look long enough for him to stop talking, and deftly flagged him off with a gesture that can only be interpreted as a ‘polite fuck off’. And fuck off he did with no repeated attempt to reengage the unpleasant situation.

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