Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

June 1, 2004

can of worms

We humans have evolved a long way to become what we are today. And it all started with LOVE. You know, boy meets girl… gets a hard on and pork out of their daylights. Got themselves some kids, and the process repeats. They bred and started to populate the Earth. Then came the clothes and civilization. Then they lost all the animals hides, got some clothes on and it was before long, people started to work in office… shits like that. No, I’m not going to start preaching about evolution, but about the changes that we face today.

As you can see, LOVE is a very simple thing. It’s just a feeling… of ourselves for the opposite gender (some same gender, but I ain’t gonna touch on that). A feeling that will eventually translates into many things — like having sex .. get yourself some serious commitments… having sex … quarrel with mother in laws … having sex … having more relatives .. *have I mentioned having sex? Well, things get more complex thereon.

As our civilization advances, the feeling – LOVE – evolved with us as well. I do not know how it happened but, somewhere in the past, LOVE somewhat got associated with MONEY. LOVE = MONEY. Yes, this feeling comes with a price now. Kinda ironic isn’t it? Money is root of all evil… and it is also the major thing for LOVE.

No money, no love. Well, some of you might want to hoot me up for this but, hell, ask yourself — it’s an ugly fact. Now, let’s list out the things support this fact

1) Meet someone you love. What do you do? You buy her something to win her heart. Something like a bouquet of flowers. Which is usually very expensive. The more expensive the bouquet of flower is, the more impressed she will be. Hence, more money, more flowers, more love.

2) Well, assuming that you have a little bit of luck and managed to go steady with her. When you’re in a relationship, you’ll need to celebrate various occasions to renew it (else, your love will expire like a road tax). Namely, Valentine’s Day or the anniversary of the first time you swiped your card into her slot machine, which… requires some gift to make it more happening. Something like a bouquet of flowers. Which is very expensive. Money again.

3) Alright, then both of you decided to tie the knot. Then come the difficult period of getting married. Splurging on fucking expensive dresses/clothes you get to wear only once. Not forgetting the expensive wedding photo packages, and the much dreaded reception banquet. All these, are super expensive and for that, you’ll have to hope that you gain back your money’s worth from the wedding guests’ gift, which usually comprises of scraps and remnants of your original budget. No money, no marriage.

4) After spending a big chunk of your hard earned money on that stupid wedding to please hordes of people you don’t give a fuck about, you then have to get yourself a home (no doubt, expensive), so that you can set up a family and make yourself a permanent place for that. Now that you have love… and you thought that you’ll live a happy life with her forever. But you’re wrong, this is just the beginning.

5) Your feeling of love ramified. Your wife is pregnant and eventually, gives birth to your son. More love. The hospital fee will cost you your bonus… which can be used to buy a really cool digital camera. Then when the little guy cries for milk, you fork out more for the formula, and it becomes a worsening habit. No money, no kid.

6) Your kid then becomes a teenager. More money. For his brand new bike, his lunch money at McDonalds, some nice garbs to get the attention and some bowling, and the big one – college funds for his tertiary education. Why would you bother to pay for all that? That’s because he’s your son and you love him. You do it for the love. Money for love.

7) Retirement years. You just lost your steady income and have to depend on your savings and EPF to survive. Your kid is now an adult and is starting out on his own. He just got himself a really good executive level job and you’re proud of him. But then, he needs a car to bring him to work… and doesn’t have enough money to buy it himself yet (because he wouldn’t have a saving big enough, just started work maa …). A bike wouldn’t cut the mustard for an executive job so… you’ll have no choice but to help him buy a car. And there goes your savings. (that’s assuming that you only plan to have only ONE KID.)

So, think about it. Why do we have to pay so much for just a feeling? I don’t get it. Do you need to spend a lot for hating someone? No. How about feeling sad? Nope, just some tissues to wipe away the tears… can very well afford pay for it. But not love… for it is so freaking expensive.

But then… just like everyone else, I’ll still do it (for reasons unknown to myself)…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
April 12, 2004


things that I have always been wondering why.

– a pretty girl’s best friend is always fat and ugly. Vice versa.
– girls do not like their boyfriend playing computer games or surfing the net.
– it’s always more exciting to crave for something than actually owning it.
– girls act stupid in front of their boys, but act smart in front of their friends.
– I’m always broke
– she’s always right
– my sister is so tragically abominable.
– female bank officers near retirement age are fond of hairsprays.
– dogs lap their own crotch and don’t feel icky about it
– some people like to dye their hair blond or other unnatural colors
– Chinaman and Japanese are so hard to understand when they speak English.
– Asian love cars with big trunks
– rapists do not get mandatory death sentence but drug traffickers do.
– smoking people bother to go for medical check-ups
– motorcyclists love to ride in the middle of the road
– kids are so annoying
– authorities grant driving licenses to so many assholes
– my neighbor is such a bitch
– my neighbor’s husband is such an asshole
– people read my blog knowing that it is offensive…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
March 22, 2004

the deceivers

I watched some Chinese drama on TV with Emily when my notebook broke down. Never fancied watching Chinese drama but then, that was the only thing left for me to do at that time.

Anyway, in the Chinese drama, in one particular scene, there was this girl (the heroine, obviously) who suddenly turned into a dropdead beautiful looking chick during a ballroom function — a deviation from her usual catastrophic appearance. The secret? A score of makeup, hairdo and an expensive dress. The moment I saw the scene, I gave out a smirk.

That was sort of like the moment of truth for me. That scene in the drama was true in every sense — a few artificial ‘modifications’ and touch ups, could change a great deal on one’s appearance. I have seen such occurrences in real life before. It’s all real.

A good example would be annual dinners. I am not sure about other company, but in mine, most of the girls would usually go all out during the dinner. They would do anything to look good on that night. Never mind the expenses. They will put inches of thick make up that could shame a Japanese geisha. They will wear expensive dresses that cost probably more than their basic salary. They would go to the extend to tailor-make their dresses just to be seen in something different. The standard rule of thumb… was to expose as much cleavage as possible. Long term investment – they always say. And that freaking dress would be worn for only ONCE. Cannot be seen wearing it twice or else they will be cursed with terminal stage herpes on their tushy. And if they own any jeweleries at all — this would also be the night for them to flaunt them all out. They will pick the biggest and most sparkling motherfucking of all jeweleries.

And what is beauty without an exquisite hairstyle? Right, they will spend a few hundred bucks for a customized hairstyle for the dinner… and they always come in various weird shapes that was copied from top fashion magazines. Some would look so weird that they resembled those zinc awnings – extending out of their head like that. And their hairdo’s are always laden with a few hundred gallons of hairsprays and unknown chemicals, that could trap insects (in some rare occasions, even small flying mammals – e.g. bats, flying foxes)

Then come to shoes. High heel is the standard. 4 inches, 5 inches and for some ballet dancers, they would even wear 6 – 7 inches — almost making them a whole length of head taller than any puzzled blokes. Guys have to look up (suffering neck problems) in order to talk to them – as if they’re walking on stilts. That explains why the guys always prefer to look at their boobs rather than looking up at their faces to talk with them. And yet, the guys are always mistaken as perverts that ogle at boobies… when they are actually trying not to hurt themselves

Alright, my point is — reiterated — the world is full of deception (if you’re not already aware). If you want to find yourself a girlfriend or a life partner, avoid ballroom functions or annual dinners at all cost. Those pretty ladies in the ballrooms are nothing more than a walking mammal full of expensive chemicals on a wig… and stilts.

Trust me. Hold back your adrenaline and testosterone. Prevention is better than cure (unless you’re gay).

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
March 18, 2004


My company organized a lucky draw for some charity event and a mail has been sent out to inform everyone about it. There was only one particular part that caught my attention :

1st prize : Perodua Kelisa
2nd prize : Honda Motorcycle
3rd prize : Lap Top computer

My eyes were fixed at the 3rd prize. Lap top. Since when do people still refer portable computers as ‘lap tops’? As far as I can remember, people used to refer portable computers as ‘lap tops’ because some bunch of idiots felt that it is so cool to put a portable computer on their lap (for some strange reason). So, if those bunch of people happen to like the idea of putting a portable computer on top of their dog’s head, it’ll be pretty much known as a ‘canine head top’ instead.

I can’t help but wonder, what if this becomes the universal way of naming things. It would be disastrous, man. Rob would be born to the name of ‘decomposed corpse’, or perhaps ‘leprechaun pervert’. Or he could be named after the place he was conceived — ‘the backseat of a garbage truck’. Cars would be known as ‘road tops’. And Barney would be known as the ‘purple lardass lizard who was born with merged teeth’. Goddamn, hahah.

Anyway, the word ‘lap top’ should be made obsolete now, lest that this may mislead the public that it is ok to put your portable computer on your lap. Seriously, it is not (not ok). Modern portable computers are so powerful nowadays, that it would constitute a hazard to put the thing in contact with your skin for a prolonged period. At 40 over degrees on the hottest point, you’d get skin irritation out of the computer more than anything else. (Seriously, the only thing that takes the rightful title ‘lap top’ should only be those strippers from men’s club).

So, why do we still call our portable computers ‘lap top’? Wouldn’t it be better to simply call it a portable computer? Or a notebook? Why a low tech name for a high tech machine? What a strange world.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
March 2, 2004

the ultimate invention

The Penang Bridge became hell yesterday when a truck overturned and plowed into a score of smaller vehicles. It was reported that the authorities had to close down the bridge for which lead to a massive congestion that stalled thousands of commuters who travel across the strait daily. The congestion was soooo bad, that a lot of vehicles stalled from overheating engine… which in turn, aggravated the jam even further. Definitely one of the worst traffic jam ever.

Now, where was I during the entire catastrophic event? I was happily surfing the net inside my company, thanks to a mobile phone call from a friend who was trapped inside the massive jam. Then, I went to Carrefour to have a relaxing dinner with my wife Emily… and later did some shopping before going home at about 9pm. Thank God for the invention of mobile phone (sorry, I have no idea who invented the mobile phone)

Now imagine this, how is it like if there is no such thing as a mobile phone?
– I’d probably be cussing and smacking my steering like a lunatic inside my car on that day…
– I would not be able to receive those cute SMS text pictures during festive season
– I won’t be able to feign having an important phone call and excuse myself halfway through a boring meeting…
– And probably, no one would be able to divorce their wives through SMS anymore… which I think is a super sad thing to happen. (Kidding).
– many more.

Now, isn’t mobile phone a wonderful thing? It obsoleted a lot of conservative practices… and now it is saving us from driving straight to hell.

Who knows if the mobile phone could even wipe out the roaches & terrorism as well? We’ll never know. We just need to sit back and witness achievements after achievements being struck by this wonderful piece of invention. Kudos to God and whoever that invented it.

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