Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

August 25, 2004

my ex past-time

Back in the 90’s, being a teenager was a totally different thing from today. We had no personal computers and no porns to surf. Definitely no chat rooms, no ICQs nor any sort of messenger program. Heck, not even SMS. Cell phones back then was so fucking big that it could literally kill a dog when it was being hurled at the animal.

Imagine how boring it was, to be surrounded by 4 walls with nothing but a roll of toilet tissues. Goddamn. Being a teenager used to be like a prisoner. Overflowing hormones, menacing acnes (although I had a lot of fun squeezing them) and developing body (was kinda freaked out when I first discovered pubes growing around my dick). It was like a ballooning effect. The pressure in me was building up to the boiling point.

I was in dire need to socialize with girls. Very desperately. That was when I found just the perfect way to do that. Pen friends. Ooh yeah. There were herds of them whoring themselves on pages of magazines and newspapers, waiting to be harvested. I could not actually remember exactly when I wrote the first letter, but I can very well remember the criteria that I set for my targets –

nice name
same age
must be a girl

My first letter was a lame one. It went like this

“Hi, my name is michaelooi. My hobby is collecting stamps and reading books. I saw your name in the Find A Friend section and decided to write to you. I think you’re hot and I want to shove my …”

Ok, I made up the last sentence. I sent about 5 – 6 letters out on my first try and got only a couple of replies a few days later. Boy, words could not describe how excited I was when I received the first reply. So damn excited that I skipped my dinner to draft out a perfect reply to my new pen friend. Damn lame, I know. But considering the fact that I was in the Paleolithic age back then, it was a pretty cool hobby. Licking stamps were as fun as watching zombies explode.

Over the years, I managed to correspond with a few pen friends, most of them were hot chicks except one, who was kinda fat. But then, I could be wrong about the rest as well, because I never got to verify if they were really hot – as I did not eventually meet any of them. They could have sent me some fake pictures, I wouldn’t know.

So, do I still communicate with letters presently? Yes. Sending checks to banks, sending forms to income tax office, that sort of shits. I’ve also fully switched my mail correspondence to 100% email. Instead of receiving letters from itchy girls, I receive more mails on porn (from friends), jokes and business proposals from some motherfucking retarded African conmen.

It’s a wonder how a life can change.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
July 25, 2004

last name

I once get to know that some people’s last name actually originated from their ancestry profession…. like :

Richard Carpenter (a carpenter)
John Hunter (a hunter)
Dan Farmer (a farmer)
George Bush (a whore)
etc

During the ancient times, you can tell what a person does for a living by just looking at their last name. Kinda awesome, isn’t it ?

As you probably have also noticed, all of them were professions that existed for thousands of years. And that kinda makes me wonder, what if we were to do the same for the current modern professions … you know .. making our last name to reflect what we do ? Here’s some example of what it would sound like :

John Gynaecologist
John Politician
John Gigolo
Judy Stripper
Judy Prostitute
Judy Housewife

Not a very good idea, isn’t it ? Especially hard to lie to your parents in law if you’re into vice occupations … like pimping or selling condoms…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
July 8, 2004

colors of the skin

*This incident happened during one of my lunches in the US last week…

Keith & I were walking out of a wooden shack cafe… when he said this to me in a rather uncomfortable manner,

Keith : “There was a guy at the back of the restaurant that has been staring at you all the while we were inside. He didn’t seem to be quite happy of you being there. ”

Me : “Well… fuck him.”

Keith, taken by surprise by my savage behavior, wasn’t really expecting the kind of response from me. And that kind of opened the window of conservativeness for both of us, who are from different cultures. We spoke a lot about racism after that.

Keith told me that even though most Americans are now matured enough to accept people of different skin colors, there are still some of them that are still in the dark about the matter. Those are usually old war veteran faggots or douche-bags, that still couldn’t get over the way they perceived the world. Some young ones too (hillbillies, rednecks, skinheads, or whatever you want call them)… and those who didn’t manage to get enough education to complete their thinking. That aside, the question is still, why those fragments of American fuckers hate us Asian so much? What makes them think that they’re more superior than our type?

Well, Keith told me it was because of the wars. The last few American wars were fought with people of our colors. The Japanese and the Vietnamese. To the Americans, we all looked the fucking same – of Asian distinct. You know… yellow skin, small eyes, big dick (eyeah… baby). Because of that, these people kind of developed a stereotypical thinking, that people with such skin colors are the enemies of their nation… and that’s why they hate us yellow skins, even years after the wars ended.

But things began to change when Bruce Lee suddenly came into the American silver screen… flashing his scarred pecs to kick Chuck Norris’ hairy ass. And they loved him so frigging much. Since then, they kinda started to learn our culture in the process – the Chinese – that we can kick asses with our martial arts… and aren’t afraid to get naked in the public as well.

They “rediscovered” the world by accident through films… and realized that there are so many different types of Asians as well. Soon, the newer generations of Americans got over the war thing, and began to accept Asians (and monosodium glutamate) as part of their culture. See the Americans today. Kungpao chickens invading almost every American homes. Tallest dude in their NBA. Heck, they even have an Asian as one of their angels. And all their stuffs are made in China (trust me… I did a lot of shopping research when I was in the States).

Say some of them still hate us Asians? Well, fuck them. Can’t please everyone in this world…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
June 1, 2004

can of worms

We humans have evolved a long way to become what we are today. And it all started with LOVE. You know, boy meets girl… gets a hard on and pork out of their daylights. Got themselves some kids, and the process repeats. They bred and started to populate the Earth. Then came the clothes and civilization. Then they lost all the animals hides, got some clothes on and it was before long, people started to work in office… shits like that. No, I’m not going to start preaching about evolution, but about the changes that we face today.

As you can see, LOVE is a very simple thing. It’s just a feeling… of ourselves for the opposite gender (some same gender, but I ain’t gonna touch on that). A feeling that will eventually translates into many things — like having sex .. get yourself some serious commitments… having sex … quarrel with mother in laws … having sex … having more relatives .. *have I mentioned having sex? Well, things get more complex thereon.

As our civilization advances, the feeling – LOVE – evolved with us as well. I do not know how it happened but, somewhere in the past, LOVE somewhat got associated with MONEY. LOVE = MONEY. Yes, this feeling comes with a price now. Kinda ironic isn’t it? Money is root of all evil… and it is also the major thing for LOVE.

No money, no love. Well, some of you might want to hoot me up for this but, hell, ask yourself — it’s an ugly fact. Now, let’s list out the things support this fact

1) Meet someone you love. What do you do? You buy her something to win her heart. Something like a bouquet of flowers. Which is usually very expensive. The more expensive the bouquet of flower is, the more impressed she will be. Hence, more money, more flowers, more love.

2) Well, assuming that you have a little bit of luck and managed to go steady with her. When you’re in a relationship, you’ll need to celebrate various occasions to renew it (else, your love will expire like a road tax). Namely, Valentine’s Day or the anniversary of the first time you swiped your card into her slot machine, which… requires some gift to make it more happening. Something like a bouquet of flowers. Which is very expensive. Money again.

3) Alright, then both of you decided to tie the knot. Then come the difficult period of getting married. Splurging on fucking expensive dresses/clothes you get to wear only once. Not forgetting the expensive wedding photo packages, and the much dreaded reception banquet. All these, are super expensive and for that, you’ll have to hope that you gain back your money’s worth from the wedding guests’ gift, which usually comprises of scraps and remnants of your original budget. No money, no marriage.

4) After spending a big chunk of your hard earned money on that stupid wedding to please hordes of people you don’t give a fuck about, you then have to get yourself a home (no doubt, expensive), so that you can set up a family and make yourself a permanent place for that. Now that you have love… and you thought that you’ll live a happy life with her forever. But you’re wrong, this is just the beginning.

5) Your feeling of love ramified. Your wife is pregnant and eventually, gives birth to your son. More love. The hospital fee will cost you your bonus… which can be used to buy a really cool digital camera. Then when the little guy cries for milk, you fork out more for the formula, and it becomes a worsening habit. No money, no kid.

6) Your kid then becomes a teenager. More money. For his brand new bike, his lunch money at McDonalds, some nice garbs to get the attention and some bowling, and the big one – college funds for his tertiary education. Why would you bother to pay for all that? That’s because he’s your son and you love him. You do it for the love. Money for love.

7) Retirement years. You just lost your steady income and have to depend on your savings and EPF to survive. Your kid is now an adult and is starting out on his own. He just got himself a really good executive level job and you’re proud of him. But then, he needs a car to bring him to work… and doesn’t have enough money to buy it himself yet (because he wouldn’t have a saving big enough, just started work maa …). A bike wouldn’t cut the mustard for an executive job so… you’ll have no choice but to help him buy a car. And there goes your savings. (that’s assuming that you only plan to have only ONE KID.)

So, think about it. Why do we have to pay so much for just a feeling? I don’t get it. Do you need to spend a lot for hating someone? No. How about feeling sad? Nope, just some tissues to wipe away the tears… can very well afford pay for it. But not love… for it is so freaking expensive.

But then… just like everyone else, I’ll still do it (for reasons unknown to myself)…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
April 12, 2004

wondering….

things that I have always been wondering why.

– a pretty girl’s best friend is always fat and ugly. Vice versa.
– girls do not like their boyfriend playing computer games or surfing the net.
– it’s always more exciting to crave for something than actually owning it.
– girls act stupid in front of their boys, but act smart in front of their friends.
– I’m always broke
– she’s always right
– my sister is so tragically abominable.
– female bank officers near retirement age are fond of hairsprays.
– dogs lap their own crotch and don’t feel icky about it
– some people like to dye their hair blond or other unnatural colors
– Chinaman and Japanese are so hard to understand when they speak English.
– Asian love cars with big trunks
– rapists do not get mandatory death sentence but drug traffickers do.
– smoking people bother to go for medical check-ups
– motorcyclists love to ride in the middle of the road
– kids are so annoying
– authorities grant driving licenses to so many assholes
– my neighbor is such a bitch
– my neighbor’s husband is such an asshole
– people read my blog knowing that it is offensive…

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