Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

April 11, 2005

quakes are hazardous

Some say that earthquakes are the worst thing that could ever happen to any high-rise building… and the safest place to be during an earthquake would be inside a landed house. Well, I do not quite agree with that fact. Especially the word “safe” to be associated with landed houses.

Yeah, I know that it is an undeniable fact that apartment blocks face higher risk of collapsing in the event of a big ass earthquake. But then, that doesn’t mean a double storey brick house is any safer than a tall apartment block. You’d get killed pretty much the same way as well. Probably worse. Here’s an example of what might happen :

When an earthquake strikes, your neighbors’ dogs would go nuts (we all know animals go nuts when disaster strikes)… and would escape out of its owner’s compound (collapsed gates ? walls ? anything). With just a little bit of bad timing, like when you’re crawling out from your house’s rubble, half naked (sleeping in your underwear, etc)… you suddenly realize that you’re surrounded by half dozen of those mean big dogs that you always loved to taunt and hoot everytime you jog past them gates.

That’s when things starts to turn kinky – two dogs holding you down, and another 4 of them gang bang your ass seeking their long awaited opportunity for a vengeance. And before you pass out from having too much animal semen inside your rectum, you realize that more dogs start to arrive from the neighboring streets pouncing in for a ground shaking bestiality orgy.

And then, you’d die off being raped by rabid dogs. If you ask me, I would rather choose to be crushed by concrete columns and sewer pipes rather than being fucked by a bunch of dogs.

Just, my point is, don’t be stupid. There’s nowhere safe when there’s an earthquake going on … especially in Malaysia, where all locally made cars are constructed using recycled milk powder aluminum foil seal … and buildings/structures are made of corrupted concretes that would crack even when there are NO EARTHQUAKES going on…

Well, unless you’re crashing out wearing a helmet in a sleeping bag somewhere in the middle of a soccer field… but you’ll probably face other risks like having Aedes mosquitoes feasting your blood or bitten by a poisonous snake…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 8 Comments
March 31, 2005

when dumping isn’t a fun thing

One of Emily’s crony went to the hospital today to check for an abdominal pain. It was initially thought to be due to appendicitis, but after going through a series of checkups, it was finally determined that she got too much shit lodged inside her rectum. (my first reaction upon learning this… was an almost blackout laugh). Too much shit lodged inside her rectum, I mean, can it get any more bizarre than that? Somebody fucking kill me please. *wipes tears*

Apparently, that friend of ours has been suffering from this constipation problem for quite some time. She only defecates like once every 2 or 3 days… and each time she does it, would require a ridiculously high amount of calorie burn forcing her shits out from her sphincter (if she can do this like regularly, she wouldn’t need no fucking aerobic instructor to slim down). Taking a dump is never fun for her… though generally, it’s a jovial event for us normal people. (Nothing could describe the feeling after a satisfying dump)

Now, a quick glance over our field of friends, I noticed that most of my female friends have constipation problems. It is as if their ass have a mind of its own, administering the waste department independently from the main body, practicing politics and organizing boycotts. Or perhaps they should be likened to those Islamic rebels, you know, kidnapping tonnes of shits inside the rectum for ransom. Whatever.

These female beings with mutated ass would normally poop at the interval of a few days. The worst one we heard was at a week – at good times. At her bad times, it would take up to a month. Nah, just kidding. I have no idea, really.

But then, that’s already bad enough. Can you imagine leaving your shits festering inside your rectum for up to A WEEK ? And you keep wondering why your girl would act strange at times, like some parochial tribal storming into a mall grabbing everything expensive and charge them to your credit card(s) without remorse. Cheebye, it’s their expired shits I tell you. Coincidentally, this festering shit friend I’m talking about, is the same person I called as moolah sucker a few months back.

And I can’t imagine when she were to do that big chore of disposing her decomposing shits from her rectum, it would emanate an odor so strong that it’s gonna set off the smoke detector alarm. No shit. I mean, tonnes of shits.

So, what’s wrong with these females who can’t get rid of their shits in a healthy manner and take all their side effects out by heaving an assload of troubles to us guys ? I don’t fucking know. Just dope their food with laxatives and watch some TV.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 27 Comments
January 19, 2005

behind the veil

I saw this documentary on Discovery channel about the post Taliban era in Afghanistan. It’s about the women there… you know, how their life fared after spending years in torment under the iron claws of Taliban.

It started out with a few pannings of here and there, followed by some introduction shits. Then, it began with a serious narration about how Afghan girls wanted a big change, a big revolution and wanted to so vehemently embrace modernism. “Wow, some big deal” and decided to follow on that story to kill boredom.

Alright, guess what’s the modernization and big revolution thing that they talked about? Putting on make ups. I was like “Whatttt??”. Yeah, it’s hard to believe but very true. The first thing they do… after being liberated from a bunch of religious freaks… is to PUT ON MAKEUPS. Can you believe that ?

They even had their American counterparts to teach them how to do it. You know, train them all so seriously as if they were having some oh-so-important mission of sending someone to Mars.

“If you do not know how to present yourself, how are you gonna change the future? How would Afghanistan become a modern nation??” the double chinned American piece of saturated fat female would yell at the bunch clueless Afghan women. *shakes head in disbelief*

First of all, I do not know what ‘make ups’ have to do with modernization of a nation. As per my understanding, the Chinese and the Egyptians females have been painting their faces since BC, and that’s ANCIENT. If this is something that the Americans would deem as MODERN, then, what should we call the Chinese today? Space age?

Then, what next? Teaching them plastic surgery? To implant big fake boobies? To take dopes and getting laid by strangers? And with all the ‘beauties’ one can ever fabricate themselves, Afghanistan to have their own titty bars? And submit themselves to more social decadence?

Pardon me but, those faces that I see under the burkhas, are not just any rusted faces of a common ratfink. Those are pretty faces. Natural pretty faces. Make ups are just another form of veil, that clouds the ugly from the eyes of men. With those good looks, I felt that the Afghan women NEED NO MAKEUP. They look just as good as they already are, naturally.

They could have used their independence for some better purpose or goals. Like getting higher education, rights to vote, or perhaps training them to specialize in some skills (for those who is too old to go for education)… nursing, emergency relief skills, fire fighting skills, etc. Something that would be really good to help rebuilding their nation.

Americans…. Tiuuuuuuu….

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 20 Comments
January 12, 2005

admonition of sorts

What will happen when a girl gets knocked up?

– She’ll start to bloat. Her weight will increase exponentially in a short period of time, and in matter of months, she will attain the size of Barney the purple dinosaur, or a Bengal tiger, or whichever bigger.

– Her face will start to change. Her nose, along with the rest of her facial features, would swell up till it won’t fit a motorcycle helmet, and would petrify whoever that has the gumption to look at her.

– She will have unstable mood swings due to raging hormones. She would get finicky over small matters and would not hesitate to crash furniture on anyone’s head if she doesn’t feel appeased about anything they do. At all.

– She loses the sanity to make proper judgment. Like judging whether it is more appropriate to get the husband buy her some beef soup cooked from a homosexual cow, or, dumplings made from the game of an arctic fox.

– Her pair of tits will grow into the size that’s big enough to block an entire 34 inch television, or huge enough to choke an adult alligator. Whichever that expresses the situation more articulately.

– Her taste buds will undergo a major tilt of scale towards the bitter side, and hence, everything she eats will taste like bile. And that’s when the husband would be made responsible for her supply of dehydrated prunes, sour plums and pickles alike … to keep her content and all that.

I’m sure there are a lot more.

Scary isn’t it ? Why can’t we human just lay an egg like chickens do, and let the kid incubate inside … ? That way, the wife doesn’t have to go through such a painful period of disorderly condition, and still get to enjoy sex at the same time.

Would appreciate all help in the form of monetary gifts or practical advices.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 31 Comments
December 20, 2004

aging sux

I inadvertently caught this Chinese talk show on TV today, where they kinda showed some veteran singers’ younger days’ photos. They’re like reliving their nostalgic moments of being young and beautiful, you know, that type of shit.

It should somehow be a beautiful program. But instead of that, I felt completely the opposite. I was traumatized by the entire show. Traumatized by witnessing how natural aging could do to someone as beautiful as them.

Take for example, one of them XXXL sized ladies, who used to be a bright eyed model, now looks like Jabba the Hutt without its on-screen make up. And another guy, whose name is Joe Junior or something, had turned from a baby faced Eurasian hunk into a piece of dehydrated junk.

The very sight of them made me shudder at the thought of myself getting old. If aging could make those pretty faces expire in that magnitude, what then could happen to us normal looking people?

Or simply, how would I look like when I’m old? Will there be any grey hairs on my head?… that is, if there’s any hair at all? Will I still be able club like how I love to? Questions… they are disturbing.

Disturbing because they somehow make me less worried about today, but perplexed about what could happen tomorrow. Not that I don’t know about the effects of aging before this, but, do I really need to be reminded in such a conspicuous and ‘direct’ way?

Damn, they should have censored shows like this on TV (instead of porns), you know, for causing such an emotional wreck in us. At least porns make us appreciate the human body more…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 8 Comments