Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

May 30, 2005

driving test revolution

Let’s imagine about a girl named FeiHai. A typical Chinese educated girl she is, you know, the type that reads too much romance novels and giggles at rats thinking that they’re as cute as squirrels… and doesn’t pluck her armpit hair at all (but would pluck every single strand of her brows…)

Because she’s on a high fix of romance novels, she’s also emotionally unstable. Like once a while, she would whack buckets of ice cream in tears as a let out whenever she faces a relationship failure. (relationship failure to her = the hero in her favorite Korean soap opera had a freak accident in the bathroom and got himself killed).

Whatever she does in her life, it would turn out to be a failure. Like failing to pronounce the word “Carrefour” properly (which she would pronounce as “carry four”). Like failing to try not to fail too many subjects in school. And the most frustrating of them all, to fail her driving tests again and again – which she somehow thought must be due to her recent breakup with Victor. (*Victor is a very famous boy band member who doesn’t even know her at all). She would blame it on her lack of sleep … and the shock effect of her artificially crayon brows on the driving test instructor… basically everything but her own self.

She would then whack even more buckets of ice cream because of that, and eventually wake up one day thinking of what Jay Chou had taught countless of queer looking skinny lowlifes how to get a life (like listening more of his StreetFighter Chinese language rap songs). Her sudden epiphany would instigate her to realize that she needs to change… like learning how not to cry so often and try to use her brain behind the steering wheel.

With the spirit of her yellow stained Hello Kitty soft toy, she would relentlessly try and try and try to pass her driving test. She would fail for another 30 over times before her effort finally pays off… and Feihai would finally get her driving license.

****

Frankly speaking guys, do you think it’s a good idea to let such an inept person like FeiHai to roam freely on our roads behind a killing machine of hers? I don’t think so.

She frigging failed for like 30 over times, but would still get a driving license out of only 1 pass. That’s fucking ridiculous if you were to ask me. I mean, what are the chances of her not killing anyone on the road? If you can do the math, assume that she tries not run over a herd of 31 cows that was crossing the road … and crashed 30 times out of 31 attempts to avert each of them. Do you think she’d still have the life to read more romance novels?

And these driving tests aren’t like those written exams we had in school. They’re more like tests with complete answers – and everyone has the advantage of getting themselves prepared for it. Yet these dimwits would fail again and again. Obviously, they’re not meant to drive – just like some who would crank a monotonous moo when asked to sing. Tone deaf.

But because it is a necessity to be able to drive legally with a motorized vehicle, it is often the case the authorities would overlook the need of barring these calamitous motherfuckers from making the road a more dangerous place to commute. And we keep wondering why are there so many accidents that kill literally thousands everyday …

I’d say we scrap the current driving test system. If we want competent drivers on the road, we should impose more stringent criteria for people to get a driving license. Like requiring a degree for driving … you know, just like any majors in tertiary education. You must have a degree to drive a car or face death penalty… something like that.

Those who fail their driving test modules (for the degree), would be barred from taking more driving courses for the next 5 years to support the public transport. This would indirectly profit the government and the money can be put for a better use like funding stem cell research so that we could clone organic real tits instead of relying on silicon bags…

And many more advantages… It’s a stone that kills many birds. I wonder why nobody thought about this before…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 10 Comments
May 21, 2005

when i’m old

There you go again, my grandpa. I brought him dinner last night and again, he looked at me like I was some stray thug that came to steal his mangoes. I had to explain to him that I’m one of his daughter’s son and that I brought him his dinner – which only prevailed after a few tugs at his fossil brain cells.

Having gone through that lengthy introductory procedure, he then lamented about his old age problems as usual. You know, being old and having a failing memory, those self loathing type of shits. As I’ve already inured to his long winded ways, I would just nod in acknowledgment (in order not to provoke him to advance to his ‘historical lessons’ again – which I’ve already heard a few quadrillions of times).

But it’s of no good. He eventually did it nevertheless … reliving his heroic days in acute details, like how much money he paid for certain things 40 years ago (ironically, I can’t even remember exactly how much money I paid for my dining table 2 years ago… I think I’m worse than my grandpa) and many other tough shits that he had endured.

We (me and Emily) sat through the whole session of it… with myself kept thinking, would I become like this when I’m old ? Like telling my grandkids how I ruled the universe when I was young ? Would they still listen to me when they have countless of electronic wireless toys to play with ? Or since my memory’s worse than my grandpa at this relatively young age… would I still be able to remember the stories myself ?

Most likely not. 60 years from today will be very different. With all the hazardous heavy metal lingering in our air and infinite numbers of chemicals we consume from our processed food everyday, I reckon that probably I won’t be able to even remember if I had a dick (after being flaccid of old age for so many years), let alone to be able to recall my tales.

Probably that’s why this blog exists in the first place – to account all my stories, dreams and weird visions … so that I don’t have to remember all of them. I’ll just have to beam my grandkids a string of text of my URL to their email account –

“michaelooi.net – your grandfather’s stories inside. forward it to the next 10 people on your address book else your phone will self destruct in your pocket”

How cool is that.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 10 Comments
April 13, 2005

weird inside

I believe everyone wears a different behavior when they are alone. If you know what I mean. No, I’m not talking about jerking off. I’m talking about weird things you do when you’re alone.

For example, when I’m having my bath ? I will sometimes have these party leftover tunes banging inside my head and the next thing I know, I’m dancing to the tune. Alone. Inside the bathroom. Call me weird but it happens. Sometimes would even do those embarrassing dancing moves that I always wanted to do and yet never want to be seen doing it in public …

Or when I’m shampooing my hair ? I would sometimes model my hair shape with those thick white lather … you know, like it’s so fun seeing for yourself, how you’d look like having those weird hairstyles on your face. Mohawk, nice devilish horn, you name it.

Everyone does it. It’s just that nobody talks about it.

Some examples :

My obnoxious sister ? I once saw her smiling promiscuously to herself in front of the kitchen mirror (there was a mirror in my old residence’s kitchen) and talked to herself… as if she was trying to experiment the best looking smile while striking a conversation (with guys like Ah Seng or something). I was barely 10 that time, and I foolishly laughed out loud at her – which made her more cautious from then onwards … and I never saw her did those funny acts again.

My 8 years old niece (my sis’ daughter) once took her bath too long and suddenly stirred a loud bang in it. My mom, in a concerned state, knocked on the bathroom door and asked if she’s alright. She calmly told my mom that she’s ok and came out fine 5 minutes later. But as she was walking out of the bathroom, my mom noticed that there was blood dripping from her wet hair and found out that she had a big gash on her head. That was when she spilled everything… she actually climbed up on the closed toilet seat lid and danced on top of it. Because there were still soap on her feet, she actually slipped and crashed onto the floor. (I was in tears laughing when my mom told me this).

And then today at the id registration office, I saw an Indian kid capered into a changing room. But he didn’t realize that there’s a plane of glass that actually reflected what he did inside. Inside the changing room, the kid started to bob his head up/down and started to laugh by himself like he’s in a party of some kind … before changing into his desired shirt. He was then seen walking out in a leisurely gait as if nothing had happened… (that changing room was meant for putting on coats and other external garments – but both Emily and I actually saw a young lady went in and stripped to her bra changing her T-shirt)

So, the next time you see someone acting serious in front of you, just don’t take him/her for what he/she is. He/she might have just shaked his/her ass while laughing like a mule inside the toilet this morning…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
April 11, 2005

quakes are hazardous

Some say that earthquakes are the worst thing that could ever happen to any high-rise building… and the safest place to be during an earthquake would be inside a landed house. Well, I do not quite agree with that fact. Especially the word “safe” to be associated with landed houses.

Yeah, I know that it is an undeniable fact that apartment blocks face higher risk of collapsing in the event of a big ass earthquake. But then, that doesn’t mean a double storey brick house is any safer than a tall apartment block. You’d get killed pretty much the same way as well. Probably worse. Here’s an example of what might happen :

When an earthquake strikes, your neighbors’ dogs would go nuts (we all know animals go nuts when disaster strikes)… and would escape out of its owner’s compound (collapsed gates ? walls ? anything). With just a little bit of bad timing, like when you’re crawling out from your house’s rubble, half naked (sleeping in your underwear, etc)… you suddenly realize that you’re surrounded by half dozen of those mean big dogs that you always loved to taunt and hoot everytime you jog past them gates.

That’s when things starts to turn kinky – two dogs holding you down, and another 4 of them gang bang your ass seeking their long awaited opportunity for a vengeance. And before you pass out from having too much animal semen inside your rectum, you realize that more dogs start to arrive from the neighboring streets pouncing in for a ground shaking bestiality orgy.

And then, you’d die off being raped by rabid dogs. If you ask me, I would rather choose to be crushed by concrete columns and sewer pipes rather than being fucked by a bunch of dogs.

Just, my point is, don’t be stupid. There’s nowhere safe when there’s an earthquake going on … especially in Malaysia, where all locally made cars are constructed using recycled milk powder aluminum foil seal … and buildings/structures are made of corrupted concretes that would crack even when there are NO EARTHQUAKES going on…

Well, unless you’re crashing out wearing a helmet in a sleeping bag somewhere in the middle of a soccer field… but you’ll probably face other risks like having Aedes mosquitoes feasting your blood or bitten by a poisonous snake…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 8 Comments
March 31, 2005

when dumping isn’t a fun thing

One of Emily’s crony went to the hospital today to check for an abdominal pain. It was initially thought to be due to appendicitis, but after going through a series of checkups, it was finally determined that she got too much shit lodged inside her rectum. (my first reaction upon learning this… was an almost blackout laugh). Too much shit lodged inside her rectum, I mean, can it get any more bizarre than that? Somebody fucking kill me please. *wipes tears*

Apparently, that friend of ours has been suffering from this constipation problem for quite some time. She only defecates like once every 2 or 3 days… and each time she does it, would require a ridiculously high amount of calorie burn forcing her shits out from her sphincter (if she can do this like regularly, she wouldn’t need no fucking aerobic instructor to slim down). Taking a dump is never fun for her… though generally, it’s a jovial event for us normal people. (Nothing could describe the feeling after a satisfying dump)

Now, a quick glance over our field of friends, I noticed that most of my female friends have constipation problems. It is as if their ass have a mind of its own, administering the waste department independently from the main body, practicing politics and organizing boycotts. Or perhaps they should be likened to those Islamic rebels, you know, kidnapping tonnes of shits inside the rectum for ransom. Whatever.

These female beings with mutated ass would normally poop at the interval of a few days. The worst one we heard was at a week – at good times. At her bad times, it would take up to a month. Nah, just kidding. I have no idea, really.

But then, that’s already bad enough. Can you imagine leaving your shits festering inside your rectum for up to A WEEK ? And you keep wondering why your girl would act strange at times, like some parochial tribal storming into a mall grabbing everything expensive and charge them to your credit card(s) without remorse. Cheebye, it’s their expired shits I tell you. Coincidentally, this festering shit friend I’m talking about, is the same person I called as moolah sucker a few months back.

And I can’t imagine when she were to do that big chore of disposing her decomposing shits from her rectum, it would emanate an odor so strong that it’s gonna set off the smoke detector alarm. No shit. I mean, tonnes of shits.

So, what’s wrong with these females who can’t get rid of their shits in a healthy manner and take all their side effects out by heaving an assload of troubles to us guys ? I don’t fucking know. Just dope their food with laxatives and watch some TV.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 27 Comments