Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

November 13, 2005

a cup of coffee

I was asked by a friend, how it feels like to know that you’re gonna live off your whole life with a certain person that you love?

Well, I don’t exactly have an answer for that, but I gave that friend an example of something else instead, something that’s easier to imagine, something that’s much simpler.

I said – imagine that you’re having a cup of coffee at your favorite bistro, or cafe, or anywhere. Then suddenly, you thought of going home.

Now … when you’re single, it is likely that when you think of going home, you’ll have this heavy feeling of weariness. (almost the same feel when Monday approaches on Sunday night).

That’s because, there’s nobody at home to expect you and you’re all alone. And in the midst of everything else, you got reminded of your undone laundries, your unmopped floor, your cold hard bed, and basically everything that kills your mood of wanting to go home.

And because of that, you hope that your coffee would not be finishing so soon, to spread the time thin.

But when you are living your life with someone you love, the feeling would be completely the opposite. You know that someone’s gonna wait for you at home… to have dinner with you, to watch TV with you, to talk to you and always there to share your thoughts with. There’s this warmth that makes you can’t wait to finish up that cup of coffee … because it’s time to go home.

That’s the best description I can ever come up with.

(that explains why I seldom stay late at work… I always feel like going home…)

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 30 Comments
October 28, 2005

craps we learnt

Top 5 crappiest subjects that are being taught in school :

1) Pendidikan Moral.
Supposedly, this subject is to educate the youngs about how not to be assholes – turned out to be quite the opposite. More often than not, moral values are being taught at home by our parents with a cane or a baseball bat. But as we grow up to school, we’re being taught with something that conflicts with what we have learnt at home and some even to the extend of betraying our own conscience. There’s just too many examples to quote but here’s one that I remember :

Q: You’re cruising very slowly across a rural housing area. Suddenly a pregnant lady leaps out of nowhere and faints right in front of your car. Because you have one hell of a kickass car with ABS, you manage to brake in time. Some farmers witness the incident and misunderstand that you hit the pregnant lady – but you know you’re innocent. The pregnant lady still lays unconscious on the road and you can see droves of farmers running out with pitchforks and big ass sticks… what would you do ?
a) Try to explain to farmers and convince them it’s not your fault
b) Try to convince farmers to help pregnant lady first and you’ll explain everything later.
c) Ignore farmers and help pregnant lady (submit to fate of what those farmers are gonna do to your ass)
d) Floor accelerator and flee to the nearest police station.

Because I’m nice, I got the answer wrong. You figure the answer.

2) Bahasa Klasik
This is the most ridiculous subject we learn at school. I’m not too sure if it’s still being taught in the schools today but, hell, it was definitely a total turn off back a decade and a half ago. I still couldn’t figure out how this Bahasa Klasik knowledge would fit in our everyday life but to make one sound like a total fucked up person. I mean, sure enough, we learn about in’s and out’s about languages to communicate and all that but this … is hardly useful at all. Like, have you ever communicated in Bahasa Klasik anywhere in the public today ? You’d be fucked up if you did.

Here’s an example of asking a girl out using Bahasa Klasik :

“Oh adinda yang kiut-miut bagaikan mutiara di Laut Cina Selatan, sudikah anda bersantap bersama kakanda di Terima Kasih Kepada Tuhan Kerana Hari Ini Jumaat ?”

If the example above sounded ridiculous to you, then yes, it’s supposed to be like that. If you somehow manage to decipher what I was trying to say up there, well, that means I’m not very good at Bahasa Klasik. It’s basically full of confusion and blurness of the flowery way of saying things. How I loathed Bahasa Klasik. Ptuiiii !!

3) Pendidikan Seni
That bluntly translates as Art Education. We’re suppose to learn about arts. But we don’t. Well, at least up to Standard 6 anyway. What I remember is, we will be given an odd title – like “an old building” or “a crippled dog boning a cat” – and then we’ll be asked to submit our work the next day or face the wrath of the psychotic art teacher.

Man… does that sound like ‘education’ to you ? Fuck no. Did we learn about historically significant paintings the world has ever known and how it was produced ? Fuck no. Did we learn about reflections and refractions and colors and how natural objects emit radiation in reality? FUCK NO. What did we learn ? How to siphon marks off to be academically competent. That’s smart.

4) Pendidikan Jasmani
That’s our PE. Physical Exercise. Like Art Education, this is hardly any education at all. Though I liked this PE thing a lot, but it ain’t doing us any good academically. Nor does it serve any purpose of enhancing our understanding of getting healthy and staying fit. What did we do ? Well, the teacher would give us a ball and we were asked to play ourselves (NOOOOO you dirty minded fucks… it’s the ball game… ). Something which we already knew and in that fact, very well. Why educate us something we already knew ?

When the time comes for us to get certified, the teacher would just ask us to perform a couple rounds of runs, bench presses and sit ups to grade our fitness. And that’s about it. (that kinda reminded me of my friend who actually farted when he attempted to perform a sit up maneuver, almost got all of us killed when his flatulence gassed the entire volleyball court)

Pendidikan Jasmani. It’s a bunch of crap if you were to ask me. The time could have been used to learn something more useful like how to ride a bike properly on the road … or how to skin a live chicken… whichever applies.

5) Pendidikan Muzik
That’s the name of our music class goddamn it. In our primary years, it’s a compulsory subject. No we do not get to learn how to play musical instruments or how to read those bean sprout hieroglyphics … but to snap our fingers and sing along to those gaudy tunes with that ratfink teacher with cauliflower hairstyle. I remember one or two of those gay songs (fuck, it’s imbued in my brain… thanks to those fags)

Susu dan jagung, kacang dan lengkong, air gula berwarrrrnaaa… [snap fingers]…

That’s so fucked up man. Little did they know that I was already able to recite the full length of some Bee Gees tune at that age. What an insult. I wonder why can’t they teach us how to play musical instruments instead ? What’s with all those singing nonsense ? For your information of how bad it is, one of my classmates actually turned into a transvestite. God knows how many more turned gay. I’m thankful that I’m straight with a healthy length.

So there you have it. Some seriously flawed subjects. I’m not sure if this is about my school or is this a whole nation thing. If I were to be put charge on these whole education matter, I would have emphasized on following areas

1) languages (English, BeeEm) – to communicate and pave way for learning more stuffs. There’s once I ordered something in English at KFC – “no wings and drumstick”… and the server thought I was trying to ask her telephone number. We’ve got some really serious illiterates out there who can’t even communicate in plain English…

2) mathematics – foundation for the sciences. Essential for everyday life, nuff said.

3) sciences – biology, physics and chemistry. The key foundation to improve life. Without engineering and sciences, we would still be wearing furs and hunt animals for food.

4) geography – that’s important too. I’ve seen a video clip of some dimwits pointing to Australia when being asked where North Korea is. This is not good. You’ve got to know the planet you live on.

5) logic – my self invented subject. Something to teach the children about logic. Like how not to upset a dog when you’re defenseless. How not to disrespect your mom when she’s holding a cane. How not to burn things when there are explosives around. Things like that.

And I wonder, why didn’t they teach our children about traffic rules at younger age ? What’s the use of education if they can’t even drive/ride safely past the productive age of adolescence ? *shakes head*

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 31 Comments
September 19, 2005

is that really what you want?

Longevity… is it really such a good thing ? We Chinese greet our elders plenty of years living on this planet… till their pubic hair goes white… but have we really asked ourselves, is that really what we/they want ?

Well, if it’s as simple as discoloration on our pubic hairs, then that would definitely be a great thing (after all, white pubic hair adds character…). But we all know that’s not usually the case. Life is much more complex than that… When you’re old, you don’t get to :

party and romp
Sure enough, you’d still get to enjoy those heart throbbing music like what you used to do with that skanky motherfucking slut at the nearby one-night-stand club. But you won’t be able to flail your arms like everybody does it on the dance floor … because all your limbs will either be plagued with arthritis (for fucking too much on the floor during your abled years), or you’re too weak to even stand up straight lest you’ll break your frail spine.

hoover anything you want
When your cholesterol and blood pressure are sky high, you’re practically forbidden to eat anything that’s considered good at all. If it’s shitty, then it’s healthy – that will be your diet throughout your geriatric life. (hell, you can’t even swallow cum for fuck’s sake, unless you want to get a stroke or something)

imbibe like a thirsty camel
When one’s 23, they imbibe to get high. When one’s 73, they imbibe, they die. That’s because at that age, there’s no live brain tissue left inside that noggin’. It’s a cemetery of dead cells. Like… meat. Dead meat inside. Probably a couple more left for you to do something fundamental like breathing or scratching your ass … but nothing more than that. So, if you down some booze in there, you’re basically committing suicide.

hook up like there’s no tomorrow
Because tomorrow’s always there and you know it. And it’s damn boring. Biologically, your copulatory organs will become expired due to wear and tear… but your physical existence are left here for the tormenting finale. Or say, if you’re even sexually active at that age, nobody would probably be interested to have sex with you. That’s because you’ll be too dilapidated with dead skin cells… that one would rather fuck a piece of beef jerky than an ancient stiff corpse like yourself.

get something to do
You’re bored and you feel like a stump. So you get yourself something to do… a hobby perhaps. But what can you do ? Play golf ? With your walking stick? You can’t. At such feeble age, the only thing that you get to really do is sit around and make some noise – so that your children would get pissed at you (for being so noisy and nosy) and dump you to some old folks home.

So… as you can see, getting old is boring. You can’t romp, you can’t wolf, you can’t booze, you can’t fuck. You can’t do nothing ! And if you’re a wee bit unlucky, you might even contract some illness that’s probably gonna bedridden your sorry ass and suffer a slow painful death.

Now, you tell me, is that the kind of life that is worth living for ?

I don’t know, if I were to become old someday, don’t wish me longevity. Wish me a quick and painless death instead … that will be so much better.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 17 Comments
August 4, 2005

important “notice”

I received a forwarded email today. An email supposedly of goodwill, pertaining some hard lesson learnt by a not-so-fortunate bloke at Tesco Penang (Tesco’s a hypermarket if you don’t know that already). Apparently, somebody broke into that poor guy’s car in the car park and snitched his notebook computer. Feeling angry and discontent, this guy sent a complain email to the security director of Tesco… probably with a tirade of angry speech about his misfortune and the insecurity of the place (it was not included in the mail).

The security director replied (in the email) long windedly detailing his sympathy and some general comments about car break-ins. Kinda professional I would say, as the director was quite modest and polite with plenty of apologies. But that guy chided the security director with a reply (though in a diplomatic manner) – which he lamented more about the insecurity of the place… and proposed what they (Tesco management) COULD HAVE DONE TO PREVENT car break-ins. Here’s what he suggested :

– Assign MORE security guards to patrol the car park
– Put up NOTICES/SIGNS to warn the motorists about the RISKS of car break-in’s in their premise(s).

And he duly added a phrase right at the end of his reply email :

If I have seen such a notice, I would not have left my laptop in the boot – not even for the 15 minutes when I was there. In that sense I feel that Tesco should be partly accountable.

I was like – WHAT THE FUCK ??

Put up NOTICES to warn people about car break-in’s so that they ACKNOWLEDGE that it’s UNSAFE to put their valuables inside their car?? So… theoretically, if you lost your notebook in a break-in right in front of a nightclub, it’s morally sane to ‘partially’ blame the pimp/bawd for failing to put up a notice to disclaim that it’s unsafe to put your valuables inside your car??

Well then, why not put up heaps of notices all over the city telling people to beware of snatch thieves, rapists or ignorant motorists?? Or perhaps notices to tell the thieves that it’s illegal to break into someone’s car?? Or how about expecting your fuck buddy’s parents to put up notices that it’s UNSAFE to hump their daughter without condom?? And blame them for any bastard child you happen to conceive (if they didn’t put up a disclaimer/notice)???

Yeah, that will solve all our problems.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking – yes, it’s ridiculous. It’s all common sense. You don’t fucking leave your valuables inside your car… no matter where you are and you do not need any notices to remind you that. Period.

The security forces are hired to primarily safeguard the property of the premise owner – like preventing looters from stealing their goods, hooligans from vandalizing their facilities, etc etc. It’s of their SECONDARY CONCERN to guard your ass from getting mugged/messed-up. That means – if it’s within their jurisdiction to help, they’ll do it out of their goodwill. If it’s not, well.. too bad, settle your score ELSEWHERE.

That guy, no doubt wasn’t very bright. I won’t call him stupid because I feel compassionate about his situation… for I have fallen prey to car burglars for a couple of times. (I’ve lost a 16K notebook in the first incident; a 1.5K car stereo, 600 over bucks Oakley sunglasses and a few original CDs in the second). It’s all myself to blame, and I lived another day with a dear lesson learnt – NEVER TO FUCKING PUT ANYTHING VALUABLE INSIDE MY CAR, WHEREVER I AM AT.

I do not intend to send that guy an email to insinuate my opinion about his ‘ideas’… since it’s not my obligation to make him a wiser person. (that privilege only goes to my blog readers… *wink*). Besides, it’s none of my business. I’m blogging it here because I think it’s something good to share with you people with notebooks out there – always remember to refrain from keeping your notebook (or anything valuable) inside your car. It takes very little to lug that bag of notebook along, but a lot lot lot more to recover the data/stuffs you may lost along with that notebook… like the bookmark to my blog… the wonderful porn links that brought loads of sentimental values to your hands… and so on…

Take care people.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 36 Comments
August 1, 2005

getting there…

Man, I think I’m getting old. The signs are obvious… you know, my failing memories, my uncanny liking of hot baths, the momentum of how a hangover affects me the day after… just to name a few. Sheesh.

Just on the other day, I was catching up with some of my junior cousins at my grandfather’s birthday dinner. Couldn’t help but notice how much they’ve all grown. It seemed like it was only not long ago that I saw one of them pounding away on a Playstation console yelling obnoxiously, totally disregarding the welfare of others.

Now, one of the little guys is talking about himself having girlfriends… bragging about how rebellious he is at home… consuming alcohol… and how he amassed his own collection of scars from motorcycle accidents etc. Fuck. This is not good. The kid you always thought he is? Is now an adult shagging chicks of his own – and that means only one thing. You’re getting old.

I was trying not to get too overtly upset about it and put up a smile throughout the day to hide my misery. But I couldn’t. The thought had somehow ‘opened’ my eyes to see things in a different perspective. Now I realized that most of my buddies of my age have ceased their partying habit (so have I) and resorted to hanging out at some slow places sipping beers and talking about getting married.

Man this is so worrying. What happened to me? Whose life used to be full of fun and vigor? Why is everyone starting to worry about money… and insurance … and family … and shits like that ? And since when do we have to consider the welfare of our own liver ? Now I even have to (unconsciously) deal with the pang of conscience when I fork out a few thousand bucks to buy something I like. I used to be easy on that kind of thought for something that I DON’T EVEN NEED. What the fuck is happening to me ?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the dawn of my middle-ageism. I’m turning into the monster that I’ve always dreaded. “Oh damn, look at those flock of old bastards entering our pub… this place sux, let’s fucking bail”. I’m becoming one of those old bastards myself. It’s a matter of time before I start to worry about having kids, sending them to colleges, and bailing them out from jail for porking with the wrong chick. And before I even realize it, I’ll be discussing about which retirement home that has the best tasting denture solvents … or at some street selecting the best looking coffin to house my corpse.

This feeling, is not a wee bit pleasant at all. I really don’t like it. I think I’m having an advanced version of middle age crisis. I think I’m gonna die soon. Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off