Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

August 4, 2005

important “notice”

I received a forwarded email today. An email supposedly of goodwill, pertaining some hard lesson learnt by a not-so-fortunate bloke at Tesco Penang (Tesco’s a hypermarket if you don’t know that already). Apparently, somebody broke into that poor guy’s car in the car park and snitched his notebook computer. Feeling angry and discontent, this guy sent a complain email to the security director of Tesco… probably with a tirade of angry speech about his misfortune and the insecurity of the place (it was not included in the mail).

The security director replied (in the email) long windedly detailing his sympathy and some general comments about car break-ins. Kinda professional I would say, as the director was quite modest and polite with plenty of apologies. But that guy chided the security director with a reply (though in a diplomatic manner) – which he lamented more about the insecurity of the place… and proposed what they (Tesco management) COULD HAVE DONE TO PREVENT car break-ins. Here’s what he suggested :

– Assign MORE security guards to patrol the car park
– Put up NOTICES/SIGNS to warn the motorists about the RISKS of car break-in’s in their premise(s).

And he duly added a phrase right at the end of his reply email :

If I have seen such a notice, I would not have left my laptop in the boot – not even for the 15 minutes when I was there. In that sense I feel that Tesco should be partly accountable.

I was like – WHAT THE FUCK ??

Put up NOTICES to warn people about car break-in’s so that they ACKNOWLEDGE that it’s UNSAFE to put their valuables inside their car?? So… theoretically, if you lost your notebook in a break-in right in front of a nightclub, it’s morally sane to ‘partially’ blame the pimp/bawd for failing to put up a notice to disclaim that it’s unsafe to put your valuables inside your car??

Well then, why not put up heaps of notices all over the city telling people to beware of snatch thieves, rapists or ignorant motorists?? Or perhaps notices to tell the thieves that it’s illegal to break into someone’s car?? Or how about expecting your fuck buddy’s parents to put up notices that it’s UNSAFE to hump their daughter without condom?? And blame them for any bastard child you happen to conceive (if they didn’t put up a disclaimer/notice)???

Yeah, that will solve all our problems.

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking – yes, it’s ridiculous. It’s all common sense. You don’t fucking leave your valuables inside your car… no matter where you are and you do not need any notices to remind you that. Period.

The security forces are hired to primarily safeguard the property of the premise owner – like preventing looters from stealing their goods, hooligans from vandalizing their facilities, etc etc. It’s of their SECONDARY CONCERN to guard your ass from getting mugged/messed-up. That means – if it’s within their jurisdiction to help, they’ll do it out of their goodwill. If it’s not, well.. too bad, settle your score ELSEWHERE.

That guy, no doubt wasn’t very bright. I won’t call him stupid because I feel compassionate about his situation… for I have fallen prey to car burglars for a couple of times. (I’ve lost a 16K notebook in the first incident; a 1.5K car stereo, 600 over bucks Oakley sunglasses and a few original CDs in the second). It’s all myself to blame, and I lived another day with a dear lesson learnt – NEVER TO FUCKING PUT ANYTHING VALUABLE INSIDE MY CAR, WHEREVER I AM AT.

I do not intend to send that guy an email to insinuate my opinion about his ‘ideas’… since it’s not my obligation to make him a wiser person. (that privilege only goes to my blog readers… *wink*). Besides, it’s none of my business. I’m blogging it here because I think it’s something good to share with you people with notebooks out there – always remember to refrain from keeping your notebook (or anything valuable) inside your car. It takes very little to lug that bag of notebook along, but a lot lot lot more to recover the data/stuffs you may lost along with that notebook… like the bookmark to my blog… the wonderful porn links that brought loads of sentimental values to your hands… and so on…

Take care people.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 36 Comments
August 1, 2005

getting there…

Man, I think I’m getting old. The signs are obvious… you know, my failing memories, my uncanny liking of hot baths, the momentum of how a hangover affects me the day after… just to name a few. Sheesh.

Just on the other day, I was catching up with some of my junior cousins at my grandfather’s birthday dinner. Couldn’t help but notice how much they’ve all grown. It seemed like it was only not long ago that I saw one of them pounding away on a Playstation console yelling obnoxiously, totally disregarding the welfare of others.

Now, one of the little guys is talking about himself having girlfriends… bragging about how rebellious he is at home… consuming alcohol… and how he amassed his own collection of scars from motorcycle accidents etc. Fuck. This is not good. The kid you always thought he is? Is now an adult shagging chicks of his own – and that means only one thing. You’re getting old.

I was trying not to get too overtly upset about it and put up a smile throughout the day to hide my misery. But I couldn’t. The thought had somehow ‘opened’ my eyes to see things in a different perspective. Now I realized that most of my buddies of my age have ceased their partying habit (so have I) and resorted to hanging out at some slow places sipping beers and talking about getting married.

Man this is so worrying. What happened to me? Whose life used to be full of fun and vigor? Why is everyone starting to worry about money… and insurance … and family … and shits like that ? And since when do we have to consider the welfare of our own liver ? Now I even have to (unconsciously) deal with the pang of conscience when I fork out a few thousand bucks to buy something I like. I used to be easy on that kind of thought for something that I DON’T EVEN NEED. What the fuck is happening to me ?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the dawn of my middle-ageism. I’m turning into the monster that I’ve always dreaded. “Oh damn, look at those flock of old bastards entering our pub… this place sux, let’s fucking bail”. I’m becoming one of those old bastards myself. It’s a matter of time before I start to worry about having kids, sending them to colleges, and bailing them out from jail for porking with the wrong chick. And before I even realize it, I’ll be discussing about which retirement home that has the best tasting denture solvents … or at some street selecting the best looking coffin to house my corpse.

This feeling, is not a wee bit pleasant at all. I really don’t like it. I think I’m having an advanced version of middle age crisis. I think I’m gonna die soon. Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
May 30, 2005

driving test revolution

Let’s imagine about a girl named FeiHai. A typical Chinese educated girl she is, you know, the type that reads too much romance novels and giggles at rats thinking that they’re as cute as squirrels… and doesn’t pluck her armpit hair at all (but would pluck every single strand of her brows…)

Because she’s on a high fix of romance novels, she’s also emotionally unstable. Like once a while, she would whack buckets of ice cream in tears as a let out whenever she faces a relationship failure. (relationship failure to her = the hero in her favorite Korean soap opera had a freak accident in the bathroom and got himself killed).

Whatever she does in her life, it would turn out to be a failure. Like failing to pronounce the word “Carrefour” properly (which she would pronounce as “carry four”). Like failing to try not to fail too many subjects in school. And the most frustrating of them all, to fail her driving tests again and again – which she somehow thought must be due to her recent breakup with Victor. (*Victor is a very famous boy band member who doesn’t even know her at all). She would blame it on her lack of sleep … and the shock effect of her artificially crayon brows on the driving test instructor… basically everything but her own self.

She would then whack even more buckets of ice cream because of that, and eventually wake up one day thinking of what Jay Chou had taught countless of queer looking skinny lowlifes how to get a life (like listening more of his StreetFighter Chinese language rap songs). Her sudden epiphany would instigate her to realize that she needs to change… like learning how not to cry so often and try to use her brain behind the steering wheel.

With the spirit of her yellow stained Hello Kitty soft toy, she would relentlessly try and try and try to pass her driving test. She would fail for another 30 over times before her effort finally pays off… and Feihai would finally get her driving license.


Frankly speaking guys, do you think it’s a good idea to let such an inept person like FeiHai to roam freely on our roads behind a killing machine of hers? I don’t think so.

She frigging failed for like 30 over times, but would still get a driving license out of only 1 pass. That’s fucking ridiculous if you were to ask me. I mean, what are the chances of her not killing anyone on the road? If you can do the math, assume that she tries not run over a herd of 31 cows that was crossing the road … and crashed 30 times out of 31 attempts to avert each of them. Do you think she’d still have the life to read more romance novels?

And these driving tests aren’t like those written exams we had in school. They’re more like tests with complete answers – and everyone has the advantage of getting themselves prepared for it. Yet these dimwits would fail again and again. Obviously, they’re not meant to drive – just like some who would crank a monotonous moo when asked to sing. Tone deaf.

But because it is a necessity to be able to drive legally with a motorized vehicle, it is often the case the authorities would overlook the need of barring these calamitous motherfuckers from making the road a more dangerous place to commute. And we keep wondering why are there so many accidents that kill literally thousands everyday …

I’d say we scrap the current driving test system. If we want competent drivers on the road, we should impose more stringent criteria for people to get a driving license. Like requiring a degree for driving … you know, just like any majors in tertiary education. You must have a degree to drive a car or face death penalty… something like that.

Those who fail their driving test modules (for the degree), would be barred from taking more driving courses for the next 5 years to support the public transport. This would indirectly profit the government and the money can be put for a better use like funding stem cell research so that we could clone organic real tits instead of relying on silicon bags…

And many more advantages… It’s a stone that kills many birds. I wonder why nobody thought about this before…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 10 Comments
May 21, 2005

when i’m old

There you go again, my grandpa. I brought him dinner last night and again, he looked at me like I was some stray thug that came to steal his mangoes. I had to explain to him that I’m one of his daughter’s son and that I brought him his dinner – which only prevailed after a few tugs at his fossil brain cells.

Having gone through that lengthy introductory procedure, he then lamented about his old age problems as usual. You know, being old and having a failing memory, those self loathing type of shits. As I’ve already inured to his long winded ways, I would just nod in acknowledgment (in order not to provoke him to advance to his ‘historical lessons’ again – which I’ve already heard a few quadrillions of times).

But it’s of no good. He eventually did it nevertheless … reliving his heroic days in acute details, like how much money he paid for certain things 40 years ago (ironically, I can’t even remember exactly how much money I paid for my dining table 2 years ago… I think I’m worse than my grandpa) and many other tough shits that he had endured.

We (me and Emily) sat through the whole session of it… with myself kept thinking, would I become like this when I’m old ? Like telling my grandkids how I ruled the universe when I was young ? Would they still listen to me when they have countless of electronic wireless toys to play with ? Or since my memory’s worse than my grandpa at this relatively young age… would I still be able to remember the stories myself ?

Most likely not. 60 years from today will be very different. With all the hazardous heavy metal lingering in our air and infinite numbers of chemicals we consume from our processed food everyday, I reckon that probably I won’t be able to even remember if I had a dick (after being flaccid of old age for so many years), let alone to be able to recall my tales.

Probably that’s why this blog exists in the first place – to account all my stories, dreams and weird visions … so that I don’t have to remember all of them. I’ll just have to beam my grandkids a string of text of my URL to their email account –

“ – your grandfather’s stories inside. forward it to the next 10 people on your address book else your phone will self destruct in your pocket”

How cool is that.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 10 Comments
April 13, 2005

weird inside

I believe everyone wears a different behavior when they are alone. If you know what I mean. No, I’m not talking about jerking off. I’m talking about weird things you do when you’re alone.

For example, when I’m having my bath ? I will sometimes have these party leftover tunes banging inside my head and the next thing I know, I’m dancing to the tune. Alone. Inside the bathroom. Call me weird but it happens. Sometimes would even do those embarrassing dancing moves that I always wanted to do and yet never want to be seen doing it in public …

Or when I’m shampooing my hair ? I would sometimes model my hair shape with those thick white lather … you know, like it’s so fun seeing for yourself, how you’d look like having those weird hairstyles on your face. Mohawk, nice devilish horn, you name it.

Everyone does it. It’s just that nobody talks about it.

Some examples :

My obnoxious sister ? I once saw her smiling promiscuously to herself in front of the kitchen mirror (there was a mirror in my old residence’s kitchen) and talked to herself… as if she was trying to experiment the best looking smile while striking a conversation (with guys like Ah Seng or something). I was barely 10 that time, and I foolishly laughed out loud at her – which made her more cautious from then onwards … and I never saw her did those funny acts again.

My 8 years old niece (my sis’ daughter) once took her bath too long and suddenly stirred a loud bang in it. My mom, in a concerned state, knocked on the bathroom door and asked if she’s alright. She calmly told my mom that she’s ok and came out fine 5 minutes later. But as she was walking out of the bathroom, my mom noticed that there was blood dripping from her wet hair and found out that she had a big gash on her head. That was when she spilled everything… she actually climbed up on the closed toilet seat lid and danced on top of it. Because there were still soap on her feet, she actually slipped and crashed onto the floor. (I was in tears laughing when my mom told me this).

And then today at the id registration office, I saw an Indian kid capered into a changing room. But he didn’t realize that there’s a plane of glass that actually reflected what he did inside. Inside the changing room, the kid started to bob his head up/down and started to laugh by himself like he’s in a party of some kind … before changing into his desired shirt. He was then seen walking out in a leisurely gait as if nothing had happened… (that changing room was meant for putting on coats and other external garments – but both Emily and I actually saw a young lady went in and stripped to her bra changing her T-shirt)

So, the next time you see someone acting serious in front of you, just don’t take him/her for what he/she is. He/she might have just shaked his/her ass while laughing like a mule inside the toilet this morning…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off