Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

April 6, 2009

class monitor

I learnt from my wife recently, that a nephew of ours was elected as the class monitor in his class. Another niece, who studied in the same class was however, extremely disappointed to learn that she didn’t get the ‘post’. Being a typical 8 year old girl, she buried herself in tears for many hours, like how it would have been if someone were to impale her favorite teddy bear with a giant wooden stick and set the whole thing on fire.

I was so tempted to ask her then, why she wanted the class monitor post so badly? What is so good about being a class monitor? In fact, it was quite a different thing for me (also, for most of my classmates as well, I believe) back during my schooling days. I was smart enough to realize that it was a very degrading job – you have to put on a tie like a dolt, you have to be the first in line and last to go, you have to be of exemplary quality (and therefore, void of all rights to romp like the rest of the gang), you’re responsible to lock/unlock the stupid classroom, you have to mark attendances daily and at all major events, be the teachers’ pet / cocksucker, list goes on. All for ZERO credit. You’re not going to get paid for all the shitty work, and the post does not yield you any valuable wisdom (marking attendance? Come on…).

If there’s an adult equivalent of being a class monitor, I’d say it’s close to being a homo prostitute in a prison. You get fucked in the ass by filthy criminals while you’re in a physical (and mental) confinement. All for the kick of it o_O. I guess that is why most class monitors look like queers and have a high degree of dorkish factor. The post needed that kind of character maa.

Anyway, I am glad that I was not the ideal candidate to be given such a post, but had a close call once. A classmate once prank-nominated me for the class monitor post, and I freaked the fuck out. I remember myself begging the school teacher drop my name off the nomination list, which she gladly obliged. Phew!

And kids nowadays are fighting to become one, sheesh. This world is becoming a sadder place to live…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 18 Comments
March 28, 2009

fuck Earth Hour

I don’t understand what’s the big fucking deal with Earth Hour. Everyone switches off their lights simultaneously to promote widespread awareness that global warming could ruin our shit? What the fuck. Aren’t we all already aware of that?

The majority of us Malaysians, do not even recycle (oh, maybe only for the wrong reasons, like stealing manhole covers, for example). About a good quarter of us (my humble estimate) drives/rides a gasoline/diesel powered vehicle. We burn fossil fuel and coal to generate electricity. We urbanize our lands without control (you can ask around in Bukit Antarabangsa), use synthetic products and blast our air conditioners the whole fucking day. You want to talk to me about Earth Hour? Forget Earth Hour. One hour isn’t going to do jack shit to anything except making the economy slump spiral down further. Earth Hour is nothing more than a hokum that gives you this self inflated assurance that you’re doing something to conserve the environment.

Do you have any idea how many tonnes of greenhouse gases are produced each time there is a war? I don’t know the exact figure, but what I know is, it’s way much more than what you and your retarded friends could do by switching off the lights, for a billion years. And this is just one of them. There are thousands more. We do things everyday to survive, that are contributing to global warming. Let’s face it, modernization and the environment just do not get along.

In my opinion, the only thing we human as a whole can REALLY do to stop global warming at its tracks – is fucking kill ourselves simultaneously. We disappear from the face Earth – that’s the only way. Let’s be real here. We humans are a bane to our own planet. As long as we exist, there are bound to be problems. We are already fucking the Earth every awakening seconds by being alive (we exhale CO2, remember? And we populate and urbanize at warp speed). So, why fucking bother?

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 22 Comments
March 17, 2009

I don’t know…

I don’t know why but, every time I see the current President of the United States, I think of a guy named Nǃxau (who had difficulty counting anything higher than 20… no disrespect to the President though…)

Please expand this post below to see the picture of Nǃxau…

Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 11 Comments
March 2, 2009

the sucking crime

I’m sure a lot of you have heard these 2 words before – ‘Penal Code’. But how many of you really know what a ‘Penal Code’ is? I’m not a lawyer but, I’m going to try my best to interpret these 2 words that ever so often appear in our local newspapers. Alright, according to Wikipedia, the ‘Penal Code’ is defined as :

…a portion of a state’s laws defining crimes and specifying the punishment. [source]

Quite self explanatory, eh? In another words, it is some sort of reference or list that defines all types of crimes and the punishment that goes with it. Cool. But what is a ‘crime’? You’d be a retard if you do not know what a ‘crime’ is. When someone breaks the law or does something illegal, that person is committing a crime. Now why is that? Wikipedia defined ‘criminalization’ as:

…a procedure intended as a pre-emptive, harm-reduction device, using the threat of punishment as a deterrent to those proposing to engage in the behavior causing harm. [source]

The key words are – pre-emptive / harm-reduction. I guess the ‘harm’ pretty much covers inanimate objects like buildings, properties and belongings. The whole idea is, to keep the society stable and in control. Very simple.

Alright, now that you guys roughly got it, can somebody help to explain already, WHY THE FUCK IS ORAL SEX CONSIDERED A CRIME IN OUR COUNTRY THEN?? Why does 2 humans of legal age, within a privately confined space and religiously permitting, consenting and giving oral sex pleasure to each other, is considered a crime?? What is the harm?? What is at stake here?? Or more important, what’s the rationale behind the criminalization?? What about jacking off? And tit fuck?? Are they illegal too??

This is in reference to the recent sex scandal that involved a prominent political figure, in which he had a video secretly taken by someone of him allegedly getting a blow job from a female partner [source].

It is very clear in this case that the political figure here is the victim. He’s just someone who was out to have some fun that night and had no absolute intention to commit a harmful crime that could destabilize the society (albeit his infidelity kind of regressed the whole idea of being innocent, but that’s an entirely different matter). But out of some weird twist of fate, he ended up being investigated by the police ‘under Section 377A of the Penal Code for carnal intercourse against the order of nature’ and will probably get prosecuted for that ‘crime’. Man, what a drag it must be for that politician – to have his shit ruined over and over again – all because of a night’s romp, and because someone is dull enough to make oral sex a crime in this country… Oh we did make more awesome headlines this time…

(in case you haven’t checked out the article I wrote about how to prevent yourself from getting entangled into fuck ups like this – this would be a good time for you to do so… )

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 3 Comments
January 16, 2009

perfect death

I’m not sure if I have written this before but, I kind of expressed to a bunch of my bewildered colleagues today about my ideal way of dying.

Everyone dies, right? But is yours going to be a long and painful one, or is it going to be a quick and easy one?

Obviously, nobody wants to die a painful death. No not cancer please. I don’t want to have kidney or liver failures either. So how do one actually die a quick and painless death when the time comes? The answer is – Heart Attack, and that’s what I said to my colleagues today.

I’m sure you’ve seen shitless of campaign posters before that says ‘heart attack’ is bad for you. I don’t know why is that. For all I know, having a heart attack is actually a blessing in disguise. It’s quick, painless and it’s neat. You don’t get hair loss or look sick like a cadaver. You’ll be looking like who you are when you die and the whole process (of getting an arrest and die) probably takes less than a minute. I mean, how much better could one ask for? It is a perfect way to die.

So, I was thinking, maybe when I’m old and have had enough of this world, I’m going to settle off all my outstanding (wills and shits…), and then I’m going to get myself a heart attack. Eg. I’m going to start by getting myself fellated back to back by 20 awesome looking professional hookers to get the adrenalin pumping. And when my blood’s all boiling and heart’s pumping mad, I’ll take a ride in a roller coaster or perhaps bungy jump… and then FFFTTTTTTT… the light fades away. No pain, no suffering, had 20 blowjobs and all still excited.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 10 Comments