Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

March 2, 2009

the sucking crime

I’m sure a lot of you have heard these 2 words before – ‘Penal Code’. But how many of you really know what a ‘Penal Code’ is? I’m not a lawyer but, I’m going to try my best to interpret these 2 words that ever so often appear in our local newspapers. Alright, according to Wikipedia, the ‘Penal Code’ is defined as :

…a portion of a state’s laws defining crimes and specifying the punishment. [source]

Quite self explanatory, eh? In another words, it is some sort of reference or list that defines all types of crimes and the punishment that goes with it. Cool. But what is a ‘crime’? You’d be a retard if you do not know what a ‘crime’ is. When someone breaks the law or does something illegal, that person is committing a crime. Now why is that? Wikipedia defined ‘criminalization’ as:

…a procedure intended as a pre-emptive, harm-reduction device, using the threat of punishment as a deterrent to those proposing to engage in the behavior causing harm. [source]

The key words are – pre-emptive / harm-reduction. I guess the ‘harm’ pretty much covers inanimate objects like buildings, properties and belongings. The whole idea is, to keep the society stable and in control. Very simple.

Alright, now that you guys roughly got it, can somebody help to explain already, WHY THE FUCK IS ORAL SEX CONSIDERED A CRIME IN OUR COUNTRY THEN?? Why does 2 humans of legal age, within a privately confined space and religiously permitting, consenting and giving oral sex pleasure to each other, is considered a crime?? What is the harm?? What is at stake here?? Or more important, what’s the rationale behind the criminalization?? What about jacking off? And tit fuck?? Are they illegal too??

This is in reference to the recent sex scandal that involved a prominent political figure, in which he had a video secretly taken by someone of him allegedly getting a blow job from a female partner [source].

It is very clear in this case that the political figure here is the victim. He’s just someone who was out to have some fun that night and had no absolute intention to commit a harmful crime that could destabilize the society (albeit his infidelity kind of regressed the whole idea of being innocent, but that’s an entirely different matter). But out of some weird twist of fate, he ended up being investigated by the police ‘under Section 377A of the Penal Code for carnal intercourse against the order of nature’ and will probably get prosecuted for that ‘crime’. Man, what a drag it must be for that politician – to have his shit ruined over and over again – all because of a night’s romp, and because someone is dull enough to make oral sex a crime in this country… Oh we did make more awesome headlines this time…

(in case you haven’t checked out the article I wrote about how to prevent yourself from getting entangled into fuck ups like this – this would be a good time for you to do so… )

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 3 Comments
January 16, 2009

perfect death

I’m not sure if I have written this before but, I kind of expressed to a bunch of my bewildered colleagues today about my ideal way of dying.

Everyone dies, right? But is yours going to be a long and painful one, or is it going to be a quick and easy one?

Obviously, nobody wants to die a painful death. No not cancer please. I don’t want to have kidney or liver failures either. So how do one actually die a quick and painless death when the time comes? The answer is – Heart Attack, and that’s what I said to my colleagues today.

I’m sure you’ve seen shitless of campaign posters before that says ‘heart attack’ is bad for you. I don’t know why is that. For all I know, having a heart attack is actually a blessing in disguise. It’s quick, painless and it’s neat. You don’t get hair loss or look sick like a cadaver. You’ll be looking like who you are when you die and the whole process (of getting an arrest and die) probably takes less than a minute. I mean, how much better could one ask for? It is a perfect way to die.

So, I was thinking, maybe when I’m old and have had enough of this world, I’m going to settle off all my outstanding (wills and shits…), and then I’m going to get myself a heart attack. Eg. I’m going to start by getting myself fellated back to back by 20 awesome looking professional hookers to get the adrenalin pumping. And when my blood’s all boiling and heart’s pumping mad, I’ll take a ride in a roller coaster or perhaps bungy jump… and then FFFTTTTTTT… the light fades away. No pain, no suffering, had 20 blowjobs and all still excited.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 10 Comments
December 4, 2008

dumbass government

So, how much money and resources would it collectively take (for the nation of Malaysia) if each of us were to fill in the stupid form and submit it to the EPF department, just to tell them to fucking leave our 11% contribution untouched? I did a crude calculation.

1) Calculation for cost of man hours to get the job done
– Per capita income in year 2007 is RM 22,345 (reference to an article in TheStar some time ago)
– We all work 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 52 weeks in a fiscal year – average per capita hourly income works to about RM9.55.
– Assuming it would take each person 30 minutes to print, read, fill in the particulars, discuss, commute, queue and submit the stupid form, that works to about RM 4.77 worth of manhours wasted for each form.
– That means, the whole country will be collectively wasting about RM 4.77 million for EVERY MILLION of members who do not want to have their contributions reduced. That’s enough money to fund the building repairs of several vernacular schools, or a lifetime’s beauty treatment for Pak Lah‘s pockmark ridden face.

2) Calculation for cost of materials to get the job done
– It is safe to assume that we’re going to use 1 sheet of A4 paper for 1 form.
– 1 ream of A4 paper has about 500 sheets.
– According to ‘Conserve A Tree‘ site, 1 ream of A4 paper of 500 sheets uses the wood content of about 6% of a regular sized tree.
– Ergo, 1 tree can produce about 17 reams of A4 paper, or 8500 sheets.
– That means, for every 1 million of disgruntled EPF members wanting to retain that 11% contribution to use 1 sheet of A4 paper for 1 form, we’d have to chop down about 118 trees to process them into paper. That’s 118 trees for every million of EPF forms. That’s about the size of a small forest dude.

3) Other shits in between
– The energy used to chop the trees, clear the forest, process the wood, pay the workers, transport the paper, etc.
– The moolah to pay those EPF officers to makan pagi, minum petang, overtime to process our forms.
– The amount of fossil fuel burned by thousands of vehicles going to EPF offices.
– The amount of electricity energy used to accommodate the crowd and to process the forms.
– The increment of probability that could skew the accident index in traffic.
– The amount of greenhouse gases released into the air from the vehicles traveling to EPF offices.
– etc etc etc

Yes, it’s like dumping truckloads after truckloads of money into a big ass incinerator labeled “HAA HAA YOU STUPID FUCK!”

Why can’t they just fucking let us have the 11% as default, and let those who wants the extra 3% of pocket money fill in the stupid form instead? Bunch of nincompoops and idiots.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 11 Comments
November 6, 2008

year of the blacks

I can’t help but notice that 2008 has been an auspicious year for the black people.

Lewis Hamilton winning the F1 world champion, Williams sisters dominating major tennis events, Tiger Woods making more headlines, and recently, Barack Obama becoming the US President (woohoo!).

They’re like, dominating charts everywhere! Well, except for Kimbo Slice (if you know who he is), who made a shocking exit from his stardom when he got his ass whooped by a pink haired hobo lookalike underdog in a fight.

A colleague and I were talking about this black people power thing, you know, Obama is going to set a precedent in things to come – that nothing is impossible. As long as you have a dream and work hard on it, you’d achieve it some day. Kind of elevated our spirits a bit amidst this uncertain time. I can only imagine how this is going to affect the black people everywhere… I bet they’re all getting psyched up and excited already!

So what next? I told my colleague, there will be many ‘firsts’ to come… among those that I can think of that is left to be achieved, are:

The first black James Bond. – Why has there been no black James Bond aa? Black boh sui meh? Maa kanineh. We should have a black James Bond. If that’s going to happen, I’d nominate Denzel Washington as candidate.

A black Rocky. – My friend suggested this, which I find pretty amusing. I mean, if those Americans can make crazy ass flicks like Kung Pow or Reno 911, why not a black Rocky? We’d get Will Smith to replace the aging Sly and let him continue the legacy…

A black Dalai Lama – no offense but, if those guys think our bodies are just vessels of our spirit, I don’t see the reason why the holy reincarnation won’t go to a black guy…

Barney the black dinosaur – bad idea but, it’s still better than purple, right? It’ll accentuate the set of bleached white teeth better, and less heinous. We can also slap on a braided spaghetti mop wig like Bob Marley’s hair on it… and make it sing some souls…

et al…

So, if you’ve been having a streak of bad luck recently, check your skin color. Get more tan, or tattoo to cover your skin. It might do you some good.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 13 Comments
October 29, 2008

damn those Chinese dickwads

You know, I used to like biscuits a lot. Especially those milk biscuits. Soak them in a glass of hot chocolate or Milo, and then slurp the mush up like an alien sucking a human brain – it is something I’d put very near the feeling of ascending to heaven.

But not anymore.

I did exactly that the other day (dip a biscuit in Milo & slurp), but no heaven. Instead, I felt like I was begging to have both my kidneys be clogged with motherfucking stones so that I’d be that much nearer to hell. Yes, that’s right. This is about the fucking melamine scandal. Of what initially looked like a scandal that affects only the infant formula, has now ramified into a full scale world crisis.

Now, everything seems to have traces of melamine in it. Cereals, candies, creamer (I consume a lot of creamer, fuck), biscuits, anything dairy, or has connections with dairy products. Hell, some even rumored that it is dangerous to suck on a Chinese girl’s tits for fear of melamine. Thanks to those Chinese dickwads, now we have more things to worry about.

I wonder what else is going to be fake after this. The world is fast becoming a very scary place to live in. You don’t see bears feeding their cubs with plastic salmons, do you? But we humans do that to our own kind, just to get ahead in life. This is not natural. This is fucking insane!

I did not finish even the first biscuit that day. Had to pour my almost untouched glass of Milo into the drain and dumped the remaining 1.5 catties of melamine ridden biscuits away (yeah, those poor rats are going to get lots of kidney stones). I’ve never wasted so much food in my life… *sigh*

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 7 Comments