I’m sure you people know what’s “global warming” all about. In case you don’t, well… you ought to be hung with your own intestines and stoned to death for being such an ignorant piece of shit.

Global warming is about excessive greenhouse gases (like CO2, methane) in our atmosphere that cause the increase of temperature leading to climate change on this planet. This in turn, causes the icebergs at the poles to melt and the sea level to rise. If this “global warming” shit were to continue till all the goddamn icebergs are completely melted, in no time, we’re all going to drown inside our own homes and the fishes will take over the planet. (Google for “greenhouse effect”)

It’s not a good thing when your sushis rule over your own planet.

Now, how does this greenhouse gases came about to be that much in our atmosphere? Where did it come from?

Everywhere.

- fumes emitted from motorized vehicles and open burning (incl smoking)
- excessive clearing of forests/jungles
- farts emitted from 6 over billion (and increasing) asses on this planet
- farts emitted from the rest of the animals’ asses (thank god they’re on the decreasing trend, as we’re eating them out)
- hairsprays for every single shapeshifters’ cauliflower hairdos on the face of Earth (that’s like… a lottttt of them)
- anything

So, you may actually ask, how good are we doing now in preventing this “global warming” from happening? How much ice has melted at the poles and when are we going to expect them fishes to rule our world? Frankly speaking, I have no idea… until I caught something off Nat-Geo on TV the other day.

Apparently, the sea ice (where heaps of those cute polar bears used to hang out…) at Arctic had shrunken to the size of a really big tomato (I don’t know) and those polar bears now have to swim across a length of sea just to get a pack of cigarettes. As a result of that, several of those lame ass polar bears drowned, and now, some environmental activists are currently suing the US Government (Bush administration) for failing to declare polar bears as “endangered species”.

I don’t know how this could help the polar bears to improve their swimming skills but, I wager that this must be super important and necessary. Like, polar bears are so cute! Such cute animal deserves no fate like drowning themselves up over a trip for some grocery shopping! This is injustice! Man… they could have legalized firearms, bombs, reefers and oh many others that could have lead to millions of human deaths… but, being delinquent about getting polar bears an “endangered species” title is simply… TOO IGNORANT and UNACCEPTABLE!

I certainly hope that the activists’ courses will prevail and save the polar bears from drowning! In the meanwhile, I’ll also encourage you people out there to do your bit to save the polar bears…

- please refrain yourself from eating broccoli and baked beans, and fart less. Should you ever need to fart, please trap your noxious gas inside a plastic bag and let your pet dog inhale it instead of letting it out to the atmosphere. Then you can kill that dog and have another new dog (you can always have another dog, but not a polar bear. Think about it)

- walk more, drive less. Never mind about the risks of getting mugged by thugs or attacked by stray animals. At least when you’re lying comatosed in the hospital ward, you know that you’ve done your tad bit to save some polar bears. It’s a good thing.

- use less aerosol products. Like, those shapeshifters can always replace hairsprays with eggs or cums as their styling agent. Though they may smell funny at times but hey, you’re fucking saving a couple of polar bears here! That’s an exiguous price to pay for a much noble cause.

- eat more animals (all of them except polar bears). As we all know, mammals breathe in oxygen and exhales CO2. If you eat more animals, you’re gonna practically reduce the amount of CO2 released into the atmosphere. This in turn, will also reduce crop-agricultural activities and indirectly reduces the number of forests being cleared. That’s like, a stone that kills 2 birds (but not polar bears).

- Practice celibacy. I mean, you can still have sex, no shit… but do it safely and responsibly. Use biodegradable condoms (eat them after sex). Have less children. Increasing human population is a bane for this dying planet. If you must have children, educate him/her properly about “global warming” and polar bears. Or alternately, you may choose to kill yourself (in an environmentally friendly way).

- many more (I’d be writing a goddamn book if this entry gets any longer)

So, people… be considerate. Preserve the environment. Save a polar bear today.

Received a very weird email a while ago, intended to post it up but somehow forgotten all about it until I cleaned my inbox yesterday. Here it is :

From: shidharrth devkar [mailto:supernaturalproject@yahoo.co.in]
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2005 11:23 PM
To: michaelooi.net[at]gmail.com
Subject: a documentry on bhangarh.

Namaste

This is shiddharth from bharat(india)i just happen to get to know you from a web site.
I am currently working on a documentry on one of the most haunted place in india.
A place where no one dares to go and the one who has dared has never come back again.this has taken me years to get to the internal details.it has got enough super natural reality to make this a reality horror documentry.

Now the reasion for this mail is…
i am looking out for a producer who has got the gut to produce this documentry,if you are like me, crazy and belive in showing things no one has ever seen before.

No matter what difficuilties come on the way.
lets make the diffrence and show the diffrence.
shiddharth.d
contact no:(code india)0091 9869770510
0091 9867464246
0091 9892960816
email:shreekaryam@yahoo.co.uk
This documentry is not only for india but is for the entire world to know what still remains…… a secret.
thank you and dhanyawad.
shiddharth.d

Man, he’s still using a yahoo mail. That’s horrifying enough.

No shit, this has got to be the kookiest thing I’ve ever seen in my inbox – save for the few Japanese porn clips featuring some dude having a diarrhea inside a saran wrap that almost made me barf.

So, this guy is asking me if I wanted to co-produce some reality horror documentary at some place in India. I wonder what makes him think I’m the most suitable person to be his partner… my uncanny abhorrence towards his kind ?

I don’t know, if you were to ask me produce a horror documentary, it’ll pretty much include a few vital elements …
1) violence
2) gore
3) sex

Maybe my idea is leaning more towards a movie rather than a documentary, but hell… who the fuck cares. The key thing is to freak the viewer out … and entertain them at the same time…

Eg: A group of teenagers go camping at some secluded spot in a nearby forest, having sex and getting drunk. (there’ll be plenty of tits and beaver stroking scenes here). Then one of the girls hears something weird outside their camp… something like “Huarrgghhh! Snort Snort”. Feeling curious and unsuspecting of anything, she goes outside to investigate, totally naked.

Then a zombie with a rotten dick leaps out of the bushes and bites one of her tits off. Blood pours all over the place and the girl screams for help. And as she frantically tries to crawl away, the zombie runs to her and gives her the most badass elbow drive on her spine… breaking it into 2.

The rest of the campers come out to check what’s happening and the zombie blows a whistle to summon his army of zombie friends to charge forth at the bunch of succulent naked humans [a scene of grisly feast of human parts ensues]. That’s pretty much about it. No heroes, no Tom Cruise. It’s an all zombie executioner movie. {If you haven’t watched “Dawn of the Dead”, you suck)

*if any of you is interested in co-producing some “reality horror documentary” in India, by all means, go ahead to call up Shiddharth. You can either email him at his yahoo account or call those the numbers he has given above.

Why I think a sack of potatoes makes a better boss than my current department head :

- It will not ask me stupid questions at the end of my presentations like “Why didn’t you foresee those problems coming etc etc ?” – which, I’ll have to explain that I’m not some kind of wizard that could predict the future and expect the unexpected.

- A sack of potatoes may be as dumb as my department head (sometimes smarter), but at least it’s quiet and doesn’t try to act smart in front of us.

- I will not lose my job if I punch a bag of potatoes.

- A lot of people like potatoes. But very few people (or no-one) like my department head.

- Potassium inside potatoes is good for our nerve functions. The shits inside my department head is good for nothing.

- A sack of potatoes will not send me emails asking me questions that require ‘urgent’ response (hint: cellphone).

- A sack of potatoes will not call me on my cellphone even if it’s the most urgent of matters. They just don’t give a fuck.

- A sack of potatoes doesn’t have halitosis.

- A potato have dysfunctional eyes that see nothing. My department head have dysfunctional eyes that sees none of my strength and all of my negative traits.

- I will not feel embarrassed to bring a sack of potatoes to a cross functional meeting because I know it will remain quiet throughout the meeting without making an ass out of itself.

- If I ever got pissed and boil that sack of potatoes with hot water, I’ll get rich carbohydrate food out of it. If I boil my department head, I lose my future and freedom.

Life is like a volume of water. It pretty much becomes of what it flows into. Mine had just spilled onto a pile of dirt.

During the previous session of my mandarin class, I sort of revealed my ill sentiments towards those China counterparts to the Mandarin lecturer. It was unintentional. I was overwrought with emotions that took over my speaking … and ejaculated everything out.

“I want to learn Mandarin because my counterparts from China are too stupid to learn English.” [smacks fist onto palm]

Something like that.

I sort of have this pang of remorse after expressing the unethical remark and would think over and over – what the hell is wrong with me ? What’s fueling my hatred towards those people from China ?

Could it be the bad experiences .. :

I had on a plane ? I was on the flight towards Beijing and saw this middle aged lady going around the cabin to collect those airline utensils, cups and plates … all to be stuffed into her traveling bag in the overhead compartment.

I had on a plane #2 ? Was on the same flight towards Beijing. Those people from China, were screaming at each other from the opposite side of the window-seat. Apparently, they were supposed to be chatting.

I had with the tourguide from China ? When she refused to carry on our tour itinerary because she needed some ‘extra money’ to live her life. She actually demanded that each tourist to donate some tips for her and her driver … and they’ll be happy to resume their duty.

I had at an aquarium resort in Beijing ? Where I saw an old couple swearing and harassing a security guard through the back entrance, because they refused to pay to enter the aquarium at the front entrance.

I had in Forbidden City ? I was trying to snap a picture of the emperor throne through a doorway when I was being elbowed by an old lady. I glowered at her but instead of feeling sorry, she pushed me aside and flocked to my spot … just to get a view.

I had in Forbidden City #2 ? Saw a lady squatting down on the edge of a walkway wearing a miniskirt. Her underwear was clearly visible and she was chatting enthusiastically with her relatives/friends.

I had at the night market in Tianjin ? I was strolling at the night market when I saw an old lady whipped out her wrinkled tit and scratched it like an ape suffering some skin disease … all the while talking to her friends.

Emily had in Guangzhou ? Where she was being madly screamed at by an old lady at a hotel restroom queue… when Emily refused to let her jump the queue.

~

Maybe. But still, I shouldn’t have said those mean things out of my fit of anger. It’s not professional. I should be ashamed of myself.

Helping people is good. I love helping people.

1) My boyfriend never answers my phone call. When he does, our conversation’s very brief and he’ll say he’d call me back. Which he never does. I am very frustrated and has been thinking a lot, what is he trying to tell me ?
Let me guess, your boyfriend’s an engineer. If he’s not, he should be one. Engineers are cool people that never talks much. Just stop calling him and relax. He’ll call back when he feels like it. If he never does, well… that could only mean, he’s getting cooler. It’s awesome to have a very cool bloke as your boyfriend… You should feel proud instead.

2) I like this guy and found out that he likes me too. But the problem is, he already has a girlfriend and only wants to take advantage of me. What should I do ?
Oh man, what a bummer. He’s becoming an asshole (for intending to cheat his girlfriend) because of you. I’d say to weed out the problem at it’s root – go kill yourself, so that he’s got no one else to like and boot back to his own girl. If you’re too worried about him liking someone else after you’re gone, well, worry not. That’s because you won’t feel a thing after you’ve become a corpse.

3) My mom’s mad at me. What should I do to calm that bitch down ?
No ! Do not ever attempt to say sorry or repent the things she’s mad about ! It’s not gonna work. Only shallow people do that. Instead, you should stand in front of the mirror and repeatedly punch your own face. If you’re unable to do it yourself, ask your younger brother’s help (I’m sure he’ll be glad to do it for you…). Do it till discoloration develops, and then show it to your mom. She won’t be mad anymore.

4) I am a 13 year old boy, have virtually no interest for girls and always feel wanting to be a girl. What should I do ?
Well, I’ll take it as a question asking me about sex change operation. In a typical sex change operation, the doctor would just amputate off your corrugated teabag and your wiener. He would then stitch up an artificial cunt for you so that some sick bastards could masturbate with it (it’s not qualified as sex because you’re basically void the capability to feel anything down there…)
And should you ever feel like having a PMS later on, you can always use a steak knife to stab your perineum (the area between your genital and anus) about a couple inches deep. Once it’s bleeding, your may hook yourself a pad.

5) I am a 16 year old girl and has never hooked with anything before in my life. What should I do to get guys interested in me?
To get guys interested in you, just strip yourself naked and walk around the neighborhood. You’ll definitely get guyS interested in you alright. More than you ever asked for…

6) I pierced my nipples 2 weeks ago. But about a week back, my left nipple began to swell and discharges [insert colour] liquid. And just about few days back, I noticed that my right nipple has the same problem too… what should I do ?
Have you watched Rambo ? Did you see how he managed to neutralize his wounds to prevent bacterial infection ? Right… just pour a few ounces of gunpowder onto your nipples. Grab something to bite… like a handful of plasticine or a crowbar… Light a match. Burn nipple. SWOOOSH. Wound neutralized. It’s gonna swell a cup up alright (hey… isn’t that what you girls always wanted anyway?), but there will be no more multicolored liquid discharge from that nipple.