Hi, my name is Doofus. I am a middle aged miscreant born in Selangor and grew up in a red light district. I live with my mom and dad… and is still single. My mom always tell everyone that I’m retarded but actually I’m not. I’m just extremely stupid. There’s a fine line between being retarded and just stupid.

I have a car. A very good car – a silver Potong Waja. My number plate is BGB 514X (ha ha ha… I am not telling you my number…). Many people say that Waja is a shitty car but I think it is a great car. It has only broken down 7 times this year, compared to other owners’ which probably broke down like 8 – 9 times. Maybe those people are just jealous of my great looking and reliable car.

And my car… is not just any normal car you see on the road. I’ve modified it in such a way that it has became more powerful and awesome. Amongst the things that I have modified – installed a pair of blue bulbs on my windshield sprinkler, a big exhaust pipe, and a big spoiler at the back of my car. Not to mention a skirting that almost touches the ground (have to be careful going through potholes and bumps though) and also a few pairs of lights beneath my car. Awesome isn’t it? My car looks like a sports car now… and it is becoming faster and faster! ha ha… ha ha ha

Whenever I’m free, I will drive very fast around town and rev my great looking car loudly to grab myself some attention. Each time I does that, the loud noise from my exhaust pipe will sure turn a lot of heads. Ha ha ha… that is so cool. But then, the downside is, I’ll have to pump a lot of petrol to be able to feel that cool. And for that, I guess I will have to work the extra few hours a day in my odd job occupation to be able to support my extravagant lifestyle. It’s well worth it if you ask me. Ha ha ha …

to be continued…

Was chatting with my colleagues in the company cafeteria this morning when the girls suddenly touched on a topic about childbirth. One of my colleagues, AnnElle, was rhetorically describing her experience of going into labor. She described the pain like it was something so out of this world, that it would tilt the planet off its axis… and she was also trying very hard to make me and another male colleague to understand the magnitude of the pain.

But then, her effort was kind of futile, for it is impossible for us guys to really understand what she had to go through. That’s because males and females are of different type of biological entity. It would be impossible for us to imagine having a kid coming out of our vagina, that’s because we don’t have a vagina. (it’s like asking you to imagine having the 8th tentacle like an octopus)

In order not to offend AnnElle, I tried my very best to pretend that I understand by nodding every now and then… and showed some faked expressions to her that I am a person who appreciates what the ladies have to go through. But I went a bit too far,

AnnElle : “You know… the moment that baby was out… I tell you… it was the most relieving moment I ever had in my life”

Me : “Yeah, I can imagine that. I actually went through that before…”

It was a reflex speech that totally bypassed my brain. It was obviously a blunder. I had no choice but to go along with what I can concoct at that split second to save myself from embarrassment.

AnnElle : “Errrmm, you said you went through that before?”

Me : “Yeah yeah.. errr, I likened it like a very bad case of stomach ache. I was imagining the baby as a big piece of crap lodged in between your intestines… The shit would be so big that it would tear your bunghole a few inches larger… making you scream in pain. You will then attempt to squeeze the beast out inch by inch… accompanied by some yellowish liquid discharge with occasional toxic fart gases. And when you’re about to pass out from the immense laborious pain and fatigue, it finally comes out. And what a relief it would be… right?”

AnnElle was totally dumbfucked… and later reacted by giving me hard punch on my shoulder. Yeah, like that would make us understand the perils of going into labor… hah

There’s a weird dude in your neighborhood. You abhorred him because he is evil. He always go around places molesting everything, anytime he likes. Then one day, he went too far. He sodomized your brother. Needless to say, you got very very pissed. So pissed that you smashed things around vowing to put the motherfucker to sleep for ever.

Now, what do you think you could do next?

a) Sodomize the asshole back to send him a message that sodomy is wrong. Then you threaten him… if he ever sodomize anyone or anything again, he would in turn be sodomized back. In a more vigorous manner.

b) Call the police to have that guy arrested or whatever. Bring him to justice. Study what the fuck is wrong with him. Use the study results to prevent more of such problem in the future.

The answer should be very obvious for us who has proper education.

Unfortunately, there is a bunch of middle aged blokes who chose option (a)… and turned the world into a full scale anal sex party — in the process of proving sodomy is wrong.

I feel sad for humanity. May the force be with us.

Ok. I hate to admit this but, I have a ‘boss’. Nope, not my workplace boss but, a ‘boss’ outside. You know, the one that covers me when I’m in trouble? Yeah.

Well, some of my friends always bash me up with concerns, how could a fine person like myself can end up with such troubles. What can I do? I am living in a challenging world out here, and without the ‘boss’, I surely would not have survived that long.

The protection that the boss gave doesn’t come free of course. I have to pay monthly fee to sustain the service… and there’s no bailing out unless I clear all my debts. He has an organization not to be messed with. With his networks of cohorts, and other connections, it’s virtually impossible to escape from his clasp once you’re in.

*Sigh* My mom always reminds me not to mix up with bad company like this, but it really is not that I refuse to listen to her. It’s just that, I was pushed to a dead end and had no choice but to submit to this. I am in so much trouble now. Me and my stupid ass. I could have lived a much more carefree life without this. No more sleepless nights and worries.

[Tears rolling down my cheeks]. Oh, is there anyone out there willing to help me get out of this mess? Please? Does anyone care anymore?

The boss I was referring to = Citibank. I just came home from settling a fraction of my credit card debts. [wiping my tears away]

I love kids. Oh they are so cute that I can’t resist to pinccccchhhhh them on the face. They are so especially adorable when they shriek out loud, breaking stuffs, poke holes on your paper lamps, etc. And when I need them the most, they will always be here to run around my place and rearrange all my fridge magnets. Aww… how nice.

I have a few kid nephews and nieces. I like them very much. They are the most talented kids I’ve ever seen in my life. They have the savvy and talent to express themselves in the form of natural art, such as fingerprinting and footprinting on my lovely apartment walls. And at times when they want to be more creative, they will not hesitate to use props to aid their expression – such as crayons, pens, pencils, permanent markers and even lick with their own pink colored drools (after eating the ever delicious strawberry flavored ice-cream).

Oh I’m so thrilled to have them around. I guess that’s why I can’t wait to have my own kids. I have seen one of my colleagues, Blackie, having so much fun with his child. He saved a lot of money from purchasing alarm clocks because his little boy would wake him up at his most desired time – just like an alarm clock would, how nice.

Raising a kid is not hard at all, Blackie said. It only takes up about 99% of your time babysitting that lovely child and about 50% of your sleeping hours waking up to stop the natural alarm clock. It’s cheap too. You only need to spend about 1/4 of your salary every 2 weeks on babysitting expenditures… which is still ok… consider the fact that you still have 50% of your salary left for all your bills, home loans, car loans, car maintenance, insurance, taxes, groceries, etc.

I can tell that Blackie is enjoying his used-to-be-mundane life very much now, as he has more things to do now – rather than watching the productivity-impairing TV at home. And he lost about 40% of his weight too – which saved him a lot of money and time as he need not to go to the gymnasium to work his lards out. He’s now naturally slimmer. I mean, what could be better than this? Enjoy and get fit at the same time? Come on!

Some people, they do not like kids at all. Those are mean people. Bad people. They do not know how to appreciate the things nature has to offer – like aromatic puke, grains of sticky rice, colorful ketchups, and all the wonderful things that come with the ever playful kids. You see, even insects love to have kids around (because most kids feed them everyday). I don’t understand why those mean people hate kids so much.

They should learn how to love and admire the beauty of things… let kids brighten up their life or something. They’ve got to get out of the circle … open up their mind, and reach for the lighter side of themselves.

Ahhh… if everyone could think properly like I do… there will be no more happiness suffering.