Archive for the ‘rompings’ Category

August 2, 2010

old hags inc.

My buddies and I were walking back to the car from a night out at a pub. Because we’re all very intoxicated, we’re kind of loud and were talking shit throughout the long walk. You know, the normal stuff drunks do. On our last 50m or so in the indoor parking lot, I noticed 2 female creatures walking beside us, also on their way to their car… who looked like something that the science of evolution cannot explain… whose sole existence was to destroy urban buildings in Tokyo and fated to be beaten up by giant vigilantes clad in metallic silver tight latex suit with egg shaped tinted goggles.

On any given day, I would have ignored those eyesores but I somehow caught one of them overtly giving us a stinky eye. Because I was drunk like fuck, I was void of all the senses to be courteous and decided to say something about what I saw to the guys… [it was said in Hokkien, rather loudly]

“Hoiii! Lau ee tulan lu aa!”
[“Hoiii! The old hag is pissed at you guys!”]

Neither of the 2 creatures were actually old. It was said in a half jest just to piss them off (they’re probably in their late 20’s or early 30’s). But my bluntness kind of touched some raw nerves there and one of them yelled at me. I don’t quite remember what she yelled but, it was something like, ‘I’m not an old hag ok!!!’. She said it like it’s going to make them look young again…

My reaction? I laughed like a shit fuck (don’t know why). Square at that creature’s face. I swear, if she were to be one of those she-bitch types that could fight like an MMA contender, she could have easily tossed my ass 3 floors down the parking lot building, as I was in my most vulnerably drunk position. But fortunately, old hag didn’t resort to violence or anything like that. Strangely, they laughed back at us after that, probably delighted with the fact that some drunken idiots finally gave them some attention after a long grueling night out. What the fuck.

Anyway, their car was coincidentally parked right next to mine and as I was still laughing to the verge of puking, I rolled down my window, gestured to the driver to do the same. The driver rolled down her window and I then said this to them (not verbatim but something like that…)

“Sorry, I did not mean to call you an old hag… I was actually referring to your friend… HAHAHAHAHH!”

And I drove off to have the most wicked breakfast with the guys.

michaelooi  | rompings  | Comments Off
September 14, 2009

endangered

My buddies and I were having a few drinks inside a pub. A waitress took notice of us and plodded over to ask one of my friends, Henry, if he would mind a ‘pretty girl’ joining him for a drink. Henry got real confused, and conveniently flagged her away towards another friend of mine – Ricky.

So this waitress went over towards Ricky and asked the same thing – if he would like a ‘pretty girl’ to join him for a drink (she probably didn’t think of asking me because I am not handsome enough). I don’t know how Ricky responded, but I guess it must be something positive because I could see the waitress caper happily away after speaking to him. That was when I asked Ricky what’s going on and found out about the whole thing. Then the 3 of us looked on, to check out the ‘pretty girl’ who wanted to join us for a drink.

It was like a slow motion scene, watching the waitress bring the ‘pretty girl’ the ‘good news’ (thanks to Ricky). The waitress then reached a table not far from ours, and began to whisper to the ear of a girl – whom we were positive was the ‘pretty girl’ the waitress wanted us to meet badly enough. So, was the girl really pretty? Well, if you’re a cross between a walrus and a blue whale – then yes, you might find her a somewhat considerable company. But because we were just humans, we couldn’t help but be petrified at the sight of that tragic creature.

Ricky was traumatized. Henry started to cuss like he has Tourette’s syndrome. And I turned to God and prayed hard for her not to come over because I would have clubbed her with a bar stool out of reflex (kidding, I probably would abandon the pub to avoid trauma). The bipedal walrus-whale hybrid was skeptically puffing her cigarette like a total skank (blowing smoke upwards) when the waitress excitedly relayed the message to her. But thank god, the ‘pretty girl’ didn’t choose to come over. She must be savvy enough to have read our body language and understood that the kind of affection we potentially had for her, were of compassion towards an endangered animal, nothing more. *phew*

michaelooi  | rompings  | Comments Off
October 18, 2007

‘super license’

Super license (to race at a Formula 1 circuit).
A term coined by one of the BODs to describe the act of obtaining permission from their significant half, to have a private all-guys night out to romp at pubs.

For the past week, we’ve been talking about applying for a super license this weekend for a drink. But one of my buddies suddenly send out an email saying that he’s pulling out of the ‘race’. I messaged to check him out:

MichaelOoi: “Pull out of the race? What happened lah?”

Friend: “kanneh… dunno who go n tell my wife… i haven’t apply for the license yet…”

MichaelOoi: “So your wife ok? Or not ok?”

Friend: “of course not okay la…”

MichaelOoi: “i think your wife is an understanding person. She definitely will give you the license lar… don’t worry”

Friend: “she is, but i dun feel good la..”

MichaelOoi: “well, you will feel good after a couple of drinks…” [oh yeah bebeh]

Friend: “nvm la… i already decided to stay at home…”

MichaelOoi: “alright then, we’ll drink on behalf of you. I already got my super license.”

Friend: “yeah… u guys enjoy…”

I salute my fallen comrade for being such a loving husband and father. I know he’s just fulfilling his duties as a responsible man. If it’s not him this weekend, it’s gonna be me or any of the guys in the frat.

People, that’s life after marriage. Everything that you want to do, will have repercussions like a ripple in a pool of calm water. Many years ago, when the BODs wanted to go anywhere, we’d just plod our asses there. No second thoughts. Like a wall of tsunami… we basically stopped at nothing.

Now, at 30, everything’s so different. I wonder what the future holds for us when we’re 40… get a lawyer to bail us out just to get a couple of drinks? Fuck. I so frigging pine for the old times.

michaelooi  | rompings  | 9 Comments
August 2, 2007

we ruined a madman’s pad

I told Emily that I was going out to have only a couple of drinks with the guys last night and will be back before midnight. But we turned out to have 20 over jugs of beer and hung out until almost 3 in the morning. Henry, my driver buddy for the evening, got especially wasted, thanks to his uncanny urge to drink like a psychotic camel.

So, being the more sober one between us two, I was automatically delegated with the task to drive the car home. The plan was to go back to my place first and he’d drive himself home from my place thence, which was just a couple clicks away.

The journey however, did not go as smooth as I had hoped for. On the way home, while I was waiting for a red light at an intersection, Henry suddenly beckoned for a code red attention,

“Dude, you need to pull over somewhere and let me out. I think I’m gonna puke”

Having experienced grave situations like this before, I knew that I do not have the luxury of time to look for suitable place for him to hurl. The vehicle had to be stopped pronto. But because we were still stopping for the red, I couldn’t just let him alight and hurl on the middle of the road. It will be dangerous because the traffic’s full of drunken bastards at that wee hour in the morning. So we kinda wasted a few precious seconds there until the light went green, with the deadly concoction of beer and yong tou foo (which we had earlier inside the pub) brewing inside his throat, ready to explode anytime soon.

Once the light went green, I floored past the intersection and pulled over the shortest distance possible at the curb… and coincidentally ended up stopping in front of a bus stop shelter. Henry wasted no time. He quickly swung the door open and leaped out from the car like he was about to pull a highway robbery stunt. I did the same because I was suppose to look out for my buddy at his most vulnerable state, lest he got attacked by stray dogs or something. And when I was scampering round the car to my friend’s aid, I took notice of a middle aged vagrant madman schlepping towards the bus stop shelter. I think he is a ‘vagrant madman’ because

a) he has a long hairstyle that looks like Reshmonu. Only that his wasn’t dread locked, but waxed with accumulated filth and gunk.
b) his dresscode is best described as ‘zombie fad’. You know, torn rags and stuff?
c) he was talking to himself when I saw him.
d) there was no bus service at that hour. Only drunkards like us and zombies like him. Or perhaps Mat Rempits. Having mentioned that, he could be a Mat Rempit gang leader in disguise.

I reckon that the madman must be heading towards the bus stop shelter for a night’s rest.

Anyway, I ignored him and continued to focus on the situation.

Back to Henry. Once out of the vehicle, my friend made a beeline to the nearby drain… but didn’t make it. Halfway through the distance, his puke gave way. It shot out of his mouth like a pressurized water cannon and he ended up hurling everything right under that bus stop shelter. Bits and pieces of frothy yong tou foo ricocheted all over the place. The whole hurling episode was just so impressive, that I actually remarked out of reflex – “Mannnnnnn! This is one hell of a puke!” and snapped a picture of the mess with my phone camera.

The Reshmonu hair guy on the other hand, stopped dead cold in his tracks and saw the whole thing unfolding before his eyes. I looked back at him while my friend Henry continued to regurgitate the remnants of his undigested food, and a feeling of fear suddenly loomed over my thoughts like an impending storm… “Oh shit, we’ve ruined his shelter for the night!”. I was afraid that the vagrant madman would charge and bite us or something for ruining his pad. We’d be in deep shit if he did that because I definitely do not want to mess around with people like him. Especially him with his stinking killer locks. It’s gonna take weeks to wash off the smell, that’s why it’s always better to avoid him if possible.

So he was like watching Henry’s performance with a shocked expression – the same kind of expression, I guess, if you were to catch someone puking all over your sofa with little regards of your feelings. I was expecting him to leap at us anytime soon and was ready to drag Henry out of the predicament if that were to happen. But it didn’t happen of course. Else I would now be lying inside a hospital somewhere all bandaged, instead of writing all these craps. He just looked on wearing that same expression, probably did a little thinking with that wacky mind – that we commoners must be no less crazier than him. To pay so much money just to get that short burst of happiness and suffer later like sick fucks. (If he’s thinking that, then I couldn’t agree more with him.)

Once Henry was done, we quickly went back into the car and bailed. The last I checked from the rearview mirror, he was walking back towards the direction he originally came from, fading into the night – off to look for another bus stop shelter perhaps. But as I’m quite familiar with the area, I don’t think there is another bus stop with shelter for another couple of clicks or so. He must had a long walk that night. Rough night for the guy, I feel so fucking sorry for him.

Homeless dude, if you’re reading this, please accept my apology for ruining your pad. I promise to give you a couple bottles of anti-dandruff shampoo and a Happy Meal if we ever cross path at a sheltered bus stop again.

michaelooi  | rompings  | 11 Comments
May 7, 2007

iced tea

long island iced tea

Was at Langkawi for the weekend (company X teambuilding event).

Lesson learnt : Too much shouting, BBQ crabs and Long Island Iced Tea are not going to do any good for your throat and bowel.

michaelooi  | rompings  | 15 Comments