I’ve been plying the same route to work every morning, same time and always reach at my workplace on time. Fifteen minutes. That’s all it takes. If it’s during school holiday, then the journey will predictably be shorter. Occasionally, the route gets a little bit congested when some dipshit gets into an accident. But that would usually set me back like, 5 – 10 minutes tops. Nothing to worry about. So this has pretty much become part of my daily routine. It’s like waking up expecting myself to be alive or something like that.

But this morning, the route was somehow choked up like a motherfucking hooker overstuffed herself with several oversized tampons. The 15 minutes journey became a 50 minutes journey and I was fucking late for work. Do you know why? Traffic fucking policemen. For some strange reasons, several of those cocksucking pigs decided to show up early and overrode a few traffic lights along the route. The result was catastrophic.

That kinda prompted me to ponder all over (during the idle time inside the car during the massive congestion) – why do we fucking need these traffic policemen, really? I mean, the slot of general law enforcement is already taken up by the other pig, right? The regular cops? Then what do the traffic cops actually do? Traffic law enforcement? Then what about those JPJ officers in the big SUVs then?

And then what the fuck’s with the overriding the traffic lights stuff? None of the traffics lights were out this morning. Why did they have to override the traffic lights and what was the rationale behind it? It obviously wasn’t to ‘ease the traffic congestion’. In fact, there wasn’t a congestion until they show up and ruin everyone’s shit!

To me, it’s just very simple –
traffic policemen = traffic jam.
no traffic policemen = no traffic jam.

Why do we need them then? Fuck them.

I’ve had enough of this Anwar Ibrahim shit. I’m sick of seeing/hearing his name and the word ‘sex’ in the same sentence.
I don’t fucking understand why are there so many people so concerned about his private stuff.

Let me ask you this, which one of these would you choose to be your leader?

A) A virtuous vegetarian celibate who has never had a sexual experience before and an ardent supporter of Earth Hour – but totally suck at being a leader…

B) A womanizer who has fucked everything that moved before (except motorized vehicles) – but is totally awesome at being a leader…

I’m not implying that Anwar’s a good leader but I’m just trying to make this point – WHO THE FUCK CARES WHO/WHAT A STINKING POLITICIAN LIKES OR HOW HE LIKES IT?

We’ve heard conflicting accusations about him being gay and now being a whore hound. So what the fuck now? What has that got to do with anything??

Malaysian politics is just fucking sad.

Ever heard of people saying – ‘Be a man’ or ‘Do you have the balls?’

As you can clearly tell, these are often associated to men. It’s all linked to being virile and stuff. The testosterone. But do you guys also realize, that these phrases are often directed to men only? Why ask a man to ‘be a man’ when he’s already a man? Doesn’t that sound just strange to you?

Ahaaaa my friends, that’s because, a lot of men are not ‘a real man’. They’re phonies. Just like my boss, Christopher.

That balless son of a bitch is not a man. He is created from the ribs of a flightless avian.

How did I find out? Well, he once threw his tantrum at me about something that was very trivial and castigated me for being a chicken shit for not confronting a level 10 manager for that unimportant matter. But when I dared him to invite the level 10 manager into the showdown right at that very moment (the level 10 manager was sitting just at the next room) – he chickened out, asked me to ‘follow up’ myself.

That’s like, a general pushing his horse to confront the enemy. What the fuck.

I eventually called for a meeting to resolve that ‘miniscule’ matter nevertheless, but quite opposite from how he behaved before, he spoke suavely like a chicken shit when confronting the team of people (I was expecting more from him). And that wasn’t even the level 10 manager himself. It was a lower ranking loser representative and in the end, the matter didn’t get resolved. Pffffhhh

My daughter is about to register for her primary education soon. I can’t help but notice, how fast the time has passed by. So fast that it actually scares the crap out of me. I mean, it wasn’t really that long ago when I was still romping around with my slightly insane friends, and met my wife after that. And now it’s time for my daughter to register for her primary education *nganga*

And I am shuddering at the thought of having to adjust/arrange my schedule to accommodate my daughter’s welfare of having a school life. It used to be so easy when I was a kid, but not anymore. Everything’s so damn different now, and so damn complex.

When I was a kid, my mom would just accompany me to the school for the first time, and that’s about it. I can remember vividly, how my mom grabbed me tight at my arms, looked at me straight in the eyes, shook me violently while saying “Remember! Look for the little blue bus! If you miss the bus, you don’t come home to me. You walk to the goddamn school!”. I was only 7 and the message was pretty damn clear – look out for the small blue bus with funny headlights (some old models from the 50′s), or walk to the school, which was located 7 – 8 kilometers away (I actually kinda achieved that feat a couple years after that…). I was like a maintenance free battery. My mom would give me 20 cents (my daily pocket money), and I would go about by myself the whole day without a problem. I hauled my own fucking school bag, and I didn’t need no tuition. Period.

What about now? I don’t know how that kind of arrangement’s even possible now. I know my daughter. She’d require a lot of attention from us. Even if she doesn’t, we’ll still be obligated to provide her an overwhelming level of attention. My wife’s already talking about some ‘after school care’ now, which I reckon costs enough to pay for the installment of a small family car. Sooner or later, it’s going to be cellphone because it is so fucking unsafe out there. And then the taekwondo lesson I’ve been wanting her to learn – that’s for her to whoop back if anyone wants to bully her. Piano. Something something. So many more. All these will become part of our lives, which we haven’t got much left… *shakes head*

Now why can’t schools provide package deals like fast food restaurants? Transport, study and care – all in one combo package. I’ll pay. It’ll be so much easier for most of us.

In a recent gathering with some relatives, I brought up a topic of wanting to buy a motorcycle. That was when a relative from KL exclaimed,

KL Relative : “But it’s so dangerous! Especially in Penang where the drivers are so horrible!”

Yeah well, fuck me stupid but I would be lying if I say I was unaffected by that stereotyping of Penang drivers. I’ve heard it a million times, that people from Penang are drivers from hell. But hey, I’m not denying that, it’s just that it was so damn fucking wrong to hear that coming from drivers who hail from the deeper part of hell. Of course, I had to counter that…

Me : “I’m sorry but, I think KL drivers are worse. KL drivers like to drive on emergency lanes. Total assholes. That alone takes the cake.”

It’s true. I have seen KL drivers in action for many times before. Besides driving speeding on emergency lanes, they also like to perform illegal u-turns. That’s because the roads in KL are so bloody confusing, that they themselves do not know how to get from point A to B. And also, if you ask them to give way to another vehicle – never mind who has the right of way – it will be akin to spitting at their mother’s face, or worse. So, how can a bunch of emergency lane speeding, illegal u-turning, selfish and cynical city rats label us Penang drivers as worse than them?

It will be like Elton John calling anyone gay.