I don’t understand why people are getting so riled up over the recent ‘white envelope’ debacle lately by Ibrahim Katak. As detestable as he can be, I personally do not think Ibrahim Katak meant to insult the Chinese people by giving away money in a white envelopes like that. He could have done it by yelling at us absent-mindedly like he always did. 

“Balik China lah you orang!”

I think it was an unintentional mistake. He fucked up big time yes, but not because he wanted to give away ‘pak kum’ (funeral donation) during Chinese New Year, but because he didn’t prepare enough red envelopes, as simple as that. Some losers however, after getting the money, started to nit pick the fella… and began this lame shit smearing campaign to paint this fucker (and whoever that stands in his boat) a real bad light. I mean, come on, there has got to be a better way to do that, right? 

That, really gets me. First of all, ‘pak kum’ isn’t really given in a white envelope. It is commonly given away in cash. In fact, donating ‘pak kum’ is a form of charity (it ensures the grieving people we know could afford a proper burial for their loved ones) and is not a bad thing at all. So to say, there isn’t really a taboo about giving away money in white envelopes. The Chinese people get white envelopes all the time. News about promotion, our EA forms, payslips, vouchers, coupons, etc – they all come in white envelopes. They stirred no shit when they get those white envelopes. But when Ibrahim Katak gives away white envelopes in place of a red one, suddenly it becomes ‘pak kum’… Like, what the fuck?? Then don’t take the white envelope lah! (But they took the ‘pak kum’ still, which is quite ironic… and some of them looked quite elated in the press pictures…)

The same goes with the Gardenia vs. Massimo bread boycott. Some email alleged that we should not eat Gardenia because it belonged to an UMNO guy. And people started to talk about boycotting the brand. That has got to be the dumbest shit ever. I was wondering, do they even think, if the owner could just be a regular business man, who happens to support UMNO? (rather than an UMNO guy operating a bread business?) He could support a school of fish for all I care, and that should not affect my decision to buy his brand of bread. If a person’s creed and background matters to me when I buy something, it would mean that I support racism and being a fucking dumbass at the same time. I buy the bread because I like it. It’s as simple as that. Ibrahim Katak gives away angpow in a wrong color, it’s as simple as that too. See the connection? 

If you don’t, then nevermind.

There is always a thing that one shouldn’t do in places. Things that causes discomfort or even considered a taboo. Eg. holding a sharp object during an intercourse, or perhaps whipping out your dick in a kindergarten. You get the idea.

In a male lavatory, it has to be talking to the person next to your urinal. Some assholes are like that, you know. They don’t talk much when you see them in a corridor or any other places. But if it’s at the urinal, he strikes a conversation. It’s just so gay.

I don’t know about you people, but for me, relieving myself at the urinal is like taking a really short but deep break from a hectic day at the office. In that fraction of time, my mind would shut off into absolute nothingness (I’d close my eyes when that happens), or just delves itself in fantasies – like what would I wish for if I get a wish… or where would I hit my manager if given a free pass to do that. It’s totally random what my mind does, but it’s deep. It’s so goddamn motherfucking deep, that it would somewhat make the remnants of my day less intolerable.

And then somebody has to talk to you at the urinal. About work. That has nothing to do with you. Fucking hell.

I fucking turned 35 a few days ago. That’s halfway to my 40. I literally have one foot already in the grave. So what has changed now? Many.

Everything’s super sensitive for me now. I find myself keep checking my hairline in the mirror, suspecting that it might be receding without me realizing. It looks suspiciously high, but nothing alarming like my childhood friend Pukemachine. That guy’s definitely botak now. I guess my hairline has been all along this high, as I cross checked with pictures from my childhood & younger days. I’m pretty positive of it. Well, fuck… either that, or I must have chided the chode with male-pattern-baldness at my workplace too much to start believing in karma.

Took less alcohol to get drunk now, that’s for sure. At least that’s what I found out from a night’s romp out with friends a few days ago. The hangover lasted forever, and it felt like having a double pneumonia. It was as if I had overdone a drifting event with an old junk and suddenly to realize the bill I have to fork out to fix the goddamn leaking radiator, misaligned wheel shaft and prematurely worn out expensive tires. Nobody told me it will be this bad at this juncture on.

Also, I seem to have developed this love for plants. I’ve never been interested in plants. It’s fucking sad really, and I just realized that a few days ago. I find myself keep checking out the bunch of plants outside at the patio, and been watering them all these while. Yesterday, I unconsciously Googled on how to start planting a goddamn Jasmine from a cut and what kind of fertilizers it fucking needs! In my heydays, the only fertilizer I worried about was the ones I made after a night’s worth of intoxication!

What the hell’s happening to me?? Fuck, getting old sucks.

I went into a meeting the other day with this guy customer… he’s a weirdo. Here’s what he did in a formal meeting:

- chant someone’s name like 2 dozen times just so that his brain could register it into his limited memory.
- skip repeatedly in a frigid pose when cogitating a simple question
- winked at a fellow male colleague (thank god not me) for no reason
- called me Michelle.
- held and stared at an inanimate object (calculator) while muttering something incomprehensible.

What a loco. I was so goddamn freaked out in that meeting. But then, it was still less than the feeling of absolute disappointment because I wanted his job so badly. I mean, at least I know I’m normal when compared to this crazy turd here and I’m light years ahead of what he could do on steroids.

The world is so fucking unfair.

You know, when I first bought my Android smart phone (that was almost a year ago), many people got concerned. They’d ask, why didn’t you get an iPhone?? Like I had made the worst decision there ever was, and I’m gonna die a virgin. When I tried to explain, none of my words would make any sense to these people whom I’d refer as ‘Apple fanatics’.

“But you should have gotten an iPhone! It’s awesome!”

Why an iPhone? No they can’t explain objectively. But they’d give the same fucked up reaction of why I didn’t get an iPhone. It’s almost like, they were voodoofied by some chicken shit black magic. So since I can’t verbally explain why I didn’t get an iPhone, I decided to write it out instead, and let there be a written documentation for our future generation to read about…

7 reasons why I didn’t get an iPhone :

1. It uses micro SIM card. That means, in the event that my iPhone gets toasted, I can’t use that micro SIM card on other normal phones. Other normal phones do not use a micro SIM card. Micro SIM card is fucked up and useless. My android phone uses a normal SIM card, so I do not get that problem.

2. If the battery goes dead on an iPhone, the whole things gets sent in for repair. It’s almost like, having a car with a sealed engine hood – which you’d need to send to Japan every time its battery goes dead. It’s a no brainer. I can have as many batteries as I want with my Android.

3. I can’t use any third party contraband bluetooth headphone with an iPhone. I have to buy one from Apple. That means, this product has limitations. I can mate my Android phone with any contraband head set. It’s like given a choice to choose ‘useful’ and ‘useless’.

4. If I like a ringtone from a friend’s phone, I can’t have him/her to beam me a copy directly (not without some tricks) because an iPhone can’t share mp3 files. It’s like, needing to cheat your wife to have sex with you. It’s stupid. I don’t have such problems with my Android (for that matter, even normal ‘non-smart’ phones).

5. An iPhone is boring. An android can add widgets and customize the screen like nobody’s business. I can’t do that with iPhone. With an iPhone, I’m stuck with the same shit every day.

6. Every la-la girl and douchebag owns a fucking iPhone. It makes me feel inferior, cheap and dirty if I get an iPhone. It contradicts my nature of wanting to be unique, different and being a realist. I need a phone that is practical, not something to show off like a skank.

7. I don’t like iPhone. Period. Pretty much like why I don’t like the hordes of ugly fitches who camwhore and purse their lips all the fucking time. When I think of iPhone, I think of them. So, fuck iPhone.

There.