Archive for the ‘ramblings’ Category

December 26, 2005

this christmas

this christmas,
I learnt that it is not very wise for anyone to stand anywhere below their bunch of heavily intoxicated friends… for you might get drenched with things that you’re not supposed to be drenched with…

I learnt that beer doesn’t smell very pleasant at all when it’s all over your body. Especially when it’s air dried on you.

I learnt that beer doesn’t make a very good styling material for your hair. They don’t hold.

I learnt that a low % alcoholic beverage could possibly have an elevated potential when it’s being drunk the wrong way and in an accelerated time factor.

I learnt that beer makes you do stupid things that even a retard wouldn’t thought of doing. (should have known this long time ago, but I never learn…)

Emily and I gave these out

and got these back

this christmas, I had one of the best times of my life.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 5 Comments
December 11, 2005

dual personality

There’s something that I have been wanting to tell you people… I think I have a dual personality. There’s this “good me” and the “bad me”. For most of the time, I am this “good me”. Helping people, being obeisant, altruistic, talk to the plants… you get the idea. But at times when you least expect bad things to happen, wham! I’ll turn into this “bad me”. Spontaneously.

Testament to my claims, look at my past entries. Geez. Those are just a small part of the whole thing. It’s hard to believe some of the stuffs that I did when I was being the “bad me”. Stuffs that I never thought of wanting to do nor dreamt of doing. And sometimes, these acts would literally put my life in danger… which was always totally out of the plan.

Just like what happened a few months ago when I was hanging out at my workplace corridor with my buddy Wilson. I was being this “good me” of course… until I saw this really big chick coming out from the office – that beckoned me to transform into the “bad me”.

Well, we see these “big people” (translated as goddamn motherfucking fat asses) all the time. No big deal. Most people would just get stone-assed at their lardy significance and move on. But not for the “bad me”. The “bad me”, would start to jump around and pull some inappropriate stunts in front of that blimp chick – as a WWF pro-wrestler. Pretending that I’m headbutting some grunts with my colossal head and elbow-choke him with my mighty arms. All that? To hint at that blimp chick that she’s fucking BIG and she looks like a pro-wrestler.

But I was very lucky that she wasn’t smart enough to catch the sarcasm that day, else I would have been REALLY headbutted and elbow-choked by that human whale. No shit. And even more luckier than that, the rest of the gawkers happened to witness the whole thing and started to laugh like hyenas having a stroke. Man, those fuckers ought to stop me from doing the despicable act… but instead? they laughed. Talking about looking out for your friends.

So, you see, I sometimes would act like a dick without realizing it. That would be the time you know that the “bad me” has taken over my bodily control. It’s not of my fault. The real me, is a nice person. Hence, if one day, I happen to grope your tit, spank your ass or do something that’s totally insane? just forgive me.

For I, was just being the “bad me”. Which isn’t the real me at all. Have a nice day.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 7 Comments
December 5, 2005

sounding good

Someone tried to call me while I was away from my desk last Friday. I knew that because my answering machine registered a few blank messages made by some outside calls. I had no idea who it was, as my ID recognition cache pointed to a bogus number. Probably some n00b who doesn’t know how to leave a message, I thought… and went on doing my stuffs.

About 10 minutes later, my phone rang. I picked the phone up and was greeted by an unfamiliar female voice. She introduced herself and went about telling me that she has been trying in vain to reach me. Apparently, this girl was in some trouble (picking up somebody’s shit)… and she needed my enlightenment about the whole thing. (I was involved because I’m femes… yeah bebeh).

Normally… under such circumstances, I would just ask the person to sod off (since it’s not my problem) and figure the problem herself. But this time, I somehow relented and took the trouble to guide the poor little girl to the right path. The reason? I was hypnotized. That’s right. Hypnotized by her unique voice.

It was deep and matured… with a tinge of mesmerizing coarseness that was out of this world. Her speech was not only concise, but was also articulate and naturally fluent. She’s smoooooooth talking like that and her voice was pleasing to the ears. And the most impressive thing about this girl was, she knew the right words to beckon for one’s sympathy and yet, managed to remain professionally calm at the same time. (unlike some skanky bitch who would go mental on the phone over the smallest of matter). She’s a living masterpiece.

I was captivated by the grace of her linguistic awesomeness and couldn’t help but to imagine how she’d look like on the other side of the line. Average height, straight long hair, fair complexion, phoenix-sharp eyes, firm round ass, pink nipples… Probably dons a pair of decent looking jeans matched with a white T-shirt (OMFG, white T-shirts are so goddamn sexayyyy SCREAM!!!). A common looking girl with an aura of special charm that one could feel, not see. Something like that.

But unfortunately, that will just remain as a hallucination projected by my imaginative mind. I’ll never get to find out how she actually looks like. Not that it’s a bad thing though… because more often than not, the truth can be pretty disappointing. You see, I’ve had enough bad experiences to fucking assure you this, a person’s voice may not necessary conform to his/her looks. And vice versa.

Like there was one time I made an appointment with a receptionist at a German factory for a meeting with an engineer? I was kinda expecting the floral-sweet voice to be of some cute Malay girl’s… but that person turned out to be a hirsute Punjabi blimp with a thicket of beard. I almost died of stroke that day.
And then there was once I flagged down a tall burly waiter at a nasi kandar outlet to place my order, when he fidgeted me with his pussy voice – which sounded just like that Malay-language-dubbed Doraemon voice on TV. I almost died trying not to laugh at that poor guy.

So, as you can see, it is probably best for me to remember her as that imaginary charming phoenix-eyed girl… instead of some pockmark faced shapeshifter that smells like a sewer rat with genital warts.

Reality can never be that beautiful.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 14 Comments
October 6, 2005

muse

When a job applicant fails his IQ test during an interview, the person will be hired to become managers and directors. And for those who passes with flying colors, they’re gonna make them engineers.

I’ve always wondered, if a transvestite happens to be stopped by a traffic police, is he gonna show his driving license as a man or a transgender ? Does the odd-even identification coding still apply to such individual? Or if a transvestite squeezes another bona fide woman’s tits, is he liable for sexual harassment ? This is so intriguing.

Have you ever wondered if we humans were to have hooves instead of fingers, how would we be able to pick our ears/nose when it’s itchy like that ? Errrmm, I know I should be looking at the big picture like we probably won’t be able to build technology or wank ourselves but… it’s those little thing we think that makes us unique. *picks my nose*

Bryan Adams almost made my company lose a few hundred bucks today. I was too taken away on my own rendition of “Please Forgive Me” in the lab, when my beg-for-forgiveness gesticulation knocked off a 15.4″ WXGA LCD panel sitting precariously on my messy bench … sending it crashing 4 ft down onto the cold hard floor. The LCD, however, lived through the episode …. scared the shit out of me. (I wish I’m as emotionless as a cow sometimes… sheesh).

I think roti canai is cursed. Why ? It’s cursed in such way that it’s only possible to be prepared by males only. I’ve never actually seen a lady preparing roti canais before… until today. The roti canai dude took an emergency today and was replaced by a young Malay lady. The roti canai she made ? Tasted like a mousepad. Flat and stiff.

The management stresses that it is important that we have some work-life balance. I suppose that was said to keep us employees content and all that. Yeah, like who the fuck cares. Just pay us more money and we’d be happy enough to work without qualms… balanced or not. I don’t understand why can’t they figure that out already.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 19 Comments
September 11, 2005

gift

My colleague Wilson is organizing a birthday party for his 3 year old toddler. And he invited me. I do not know why it seemed appropriate for him to invite me to his son’s birthday party but … if I were to be him, the only grown up person that I’m gonna be inviting for my kid’s birthday party would probably be a clown.

I questioned him “Dude, shouldn’t you be inviting kids to your son’s birthday party ? Why a bloke like me ?”

To which, Wilson replied “We can take this opportunity to hang out and consume some alcohol…”

Simply great. His son’s gonna be so thrilled to learn about the magic potion 14 years in advance. “Mom look at daddy ! He’s pissing with his mouth !”

Anyway, I actually proposed to him that he should probably invite half a dozen girls for his son’s birthday … and quarantine him with them inside a locked room…. you know, let him socialize a bit and romp. Man if my dad were to do that on my birthday, I’m gonna worship him as god. No shit.

Well, after a few moments of bantering, I finally accepted his invitation to attend his son’s birthday party this coming Saturday. But I have a problem. What should I get for his kid ?

That actually prompted me to ask myself, what did I like when I was a kid ? Hell, I don’t really know what I liked when I was 3. Probably if you were to ask me today, I’d say I would like to have a pair of dainty rack to suck at please. But too bad, it’s not my birthday. (and I never had my own birthday party before…)

I only remembered that I was kinda crazy about kites and some of those bamboo blowpipes (to shoot my classmates) when I was very young.

But hell, where do I get those stuffs nowadays ? Kids today fancy about computer/console games more than anything else. And when they grow older, they’re gonna settle off with porns and grow fatter in front of their computer screen jerking off. Probably would fancy some sterilized wipes to clean up their cum instead … whatever.

So I thought of buying him a gun set with live rubber bullets to shoot around. Hopefully, to break a few vases at home to beckon more of his dad’s attention. And I went around to scour for something that fits the profile.

I saw a few sets of plastic guns complete with handcuffs and all that … which could make Wilson’s kid an instant detective going postal – but the quality of those toys were flimsy and the rubber darts were not awesome enough to wreak some havoc. Had to call off the idea in the end … and settled off with an expensive box of Hotwheels racing set.

Don’t know if he’s gonna like it. If he doesn’t … well… tough shit. He can go buy himself.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 21 Comments