Archive for the ‘ramblings’ Category

July 1, 2008

4 otherwise good songs spoilt by punks and mofo’s

‘I Will Survive’ by Gloria Gaynor
Used to be a great song that gives you a sense of hope and liberating sense, but now, it has become some sort of anthem for defiant teenagers and goth bitches alike. I don’t know if it’s just me but, I noticed that whenever you see a live band playing in a club somewhere, the lead female singer will be bound to sing this ‘I Will Survive’ song. And when this stupid fucking song is being sung, you’ll see hundreds of wenches and sluts lip sync the song with a badass gyrating head – probably dedicating the lyrics to their hairstylist for giving them such a horrific dye and hairstyle… Gloria Gaynor may have found an evergreen niche in history because of the song, but for all the wrong reasons…

‘YMCA’ by Village People
Gay songs of the 80’s are good. But when it comes to tackiness, YMCA is in a league of its own. Think of it this way – if ‘I Will Survive’ is the anthem for motherfucking bitches, then ‘YMCA’ is the male equivalent of it. An anthem for douche bags and posers who pretentiously swig on their brandy diluted with plenty of counterfeit Coke. And I noticed that these are the same type of people who listens to ultra tacky europop groups like Vengaboys, Aqua and China Dolls. This song reminds me of how fucked up our society is… instead of being young and free as it originally intended to portray.

‘My Heart Will Go On’ by Céline Dion
I first heard the song in the movie ‘Titanic’. Though I didn’t like the movie, I somehow liked the uplifting soundtrack very much and this Céline Dion single that came with it. So I bought the ‘Titanic’ soundtrack CD. Big mistake. A few months later, basically every rustic dicks and fitches on the streets of Penang were humming the tune of this song… and there was even a fengtau disco version of it. The radio would give the song an overdose of airtime that it made my ears sting. Now, whenever I hear this song, I’d think of young punks flinging their heads popping ecstasy pills and sucking dicks in alleys… instead of its original sentimental feel. I never played the CD for more than 3 times.

’25 minutes’ by Michael Learns To Rock
I used to like this ’25 minutes’ song, but not anymore. That was after I realized that every dipshit and loanshark in basically each and every local karaoke pubs fancies this song. To them, this is their version of ‘class’ song to show off to their illiterate bumpkin girlfriend that he knows how to belt an English song. Ask any VCD peddler or cellphone dealer (esp. those with filthy overgrown pinkie nail…), what is their favorite English pick when they go for an karaoke outing… it’ll be either be ‘Unchained Melody’ (Ah Chueng Bueh Lo Tee), or ’25 minutes’. Each time I hear this ’25 minutes’, I feel like my intelligence gradually decreases… and if I were to be driving a car at that time, I’d probably hit a bus stop or something…

Just feel like expressing myself after a tired day…

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 8 Comments
November 7, 2007

did some good

I did some charity today, in conjunction of the Deepavali celebration (or whatever). I posted a sign to warn the public of a certain hazard lurking behind a certain room.

I hope Mojo Jojo won’t get too upset about the sign when he returns to that room after his lunch (he is the only known breathing – though not living – specimen that dwells inside that room).

[UPDATE] Mojo Jojo came right in 5 minutes after I’ve posted this entry. His reaction? = “Kanneh! Is that a dog or a human!?”.

I am so fucking speechless right now.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 7 Comments
July 27, 2006

problems, who needs themmm????

I’ve been having this observation about babies… you know, the way their life works. The way their clock ticks. The way they go about making things happening. It’s so simple.

All they have to do, is bawl.

Soiled nappies? Just bawl. Someone will tend to them and clean up their shits.

Hungry? Bawl. Somebody will eventually scamper around for something and feed them.

Too hot? Too cold? Bawl again. There will be some poor souls worry about setting their weather straight again.

Don’t like somebody? Bawl some more. They’ll just disappear.

Or just simply bawl for the fun of it. Somebody will eventually figure out what could be wrong and do whatever that is necessary to keep them happy.

As you can see, their world revolves around that one universal act of opening their mouth and let out that nasty inconsiderate scream – and everything will set into their own gears and work towards that little guy’s expectation. How perfect is that. An all rounder solution for every frigging problems they face.

How I wish I could use that. Like when I am really distressed about my mounting credit card debts… or when I peruse that exorbitant timing belt quotation for Lorraine… man I really do feel like crying. But you and I know, that’s a myth. We as an adult, after gaining so much knowledge and secrets about life, will not be given the privilege to use that sacred bawling act. You’ll be a wacko if you do that.

It was as if, some higher being out there designed all these to fuck with us.

Babies who have less problems to worry about in life, gets to have that ‘universal problem solving’ privilege. While we adults who have to worry about bills and shits, get all stuck up and left to putrefy in our own anguish. Somebody tell me what the fuck is wrong with this world?? Why don’t we see kangaroos or rats get depressed about their lives? This is beginning to get into me.

I’m getting really sick about all these responsibilities lately. I came home today from work and told Emily, how I wish I can just lie down on the bed and hibernate (knowing that bawling won’t cut the mustard)… and wake up 10 years later at the same age… Things will be so much different then. If I’m not quite happy about anything still, then I’m gonna hibernate some more. I’ll hibernate through time, a few years in this century, another few in the next, and probably long enough to witness people flying around in the future with some piss powered jet scooter.

But sadly, that’s also a myth. I can’t be sleeping forever. I need food to survive, and I need money to buy food. Which, will be another problem to worry about if I’m planning to hibernate that long, because I won’t have a job for that money to buy food. Bummer.

Maybe I should just bawl, like the time when PukeMachine lost his school uniform, and pray that there will be a shapeshifter that would take pity on me and offer to pay off my homeloan, car loan, credit card debts and Lorraine’s timing belt… I’m willing to exchange a round of kinky sex for that.

(I don’t know what am I trying to say here, I was kinda ‘unstable’ today…)

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March 7, 2006

call of the birds

Remember that loony cuckoo bird? Well, it was at it again. Not too sure if it was the same cuckoo bird but it was definitely making hell lot of a commotion. This time, it hooted from midnight till the time I got myself ready for work…

I wasn’t sure what was it hooting about. Maybe it’s the mating season, where hollering was part of the ritual to attract the opposite sex (hey, if only that works on humans as well…). Or maybe that bird was playing as the messenger of death, sending us a grim reminder about the impending threat of bird flu…

HOOT HOOT – translated as “You’re all gonna die of bird flu…muahahahah”

Silly jokes aside, the long hooting of that bird DID remind me of the recent unnerving development of the deadly avian flu. Flocks of pathogenic migratory birds… they’re flying everywhere to fuck everybody up with their disease laden body …. and us puny humans below them struggling to save our asses up. Goddamn.

But perhaps, that isn’t the real threat we should be afraid of. It’s something else. Just look what has been happening for the past few years. We kept seeing these new hybrids of super diseases spawning from animals – pigs, cows, civet cats… and now the birds. It’s a matter of time before household lizards have their own version of super diseases… no shit! The Mother Nature wants us dead! in a way or another…

And all these, I believe, were stemmed from our very own ignorance towards the law of nature. I think this is karma balancing itself out on a large scale. These would be the price we pay for

– having sex with animals
– cutting up Mother Nature’s pubic hair (trees)
– eating things we aren’t supposed to eat
– tweaking the codes of life
– screwing up the ecosystem
– listening to Pussycat Dolls and Vengaboys

Our occupancy on this planet is fast approaching the end and we have to do something about it. We will be put through a test of time to battle against our very own existence… whether or not we will prevail, only time will tell.

But until that happens, I think we should all do our bit to allay our fears against these microscopic adversary of ours. So, let’s all grab a slingshot and shoot a bird today. [it’s a good means to vent our frustration over the recent fuel price hike, so… why not?]

Marilah kita berkempen untuk melastik burung hari ini…

May god bless you bird loving fuckers out there. Eat more oranges.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 8 Comments
January 6, 2006


For the first time in my life, I finally experienced the tribulations of a constipation. For the past few days, I have been having difficulty to take a dump. Had to push very hard on the throne for 10 – 20 minutes before I could feel anything creeping out of my ass. That is, if there’s anything coming out at all. (It was a miracle that I didn’t suffer from a stroke trying to exert out my own shit)

And those that managed to make it out, were scrawny little piece about the size of a kindergarten crayon. That’s about as exciting as my morning could ever get.

My shit used to be as big as a barnyard animal… and this demotion of size really bothered me. I wonder what is happening here. Could this be due my diet change? [no, I didn’t change my diet nor ate anything exotic recently]. Could this be due to alcohol poisoning from the New Year eve drinking binge? [unlikely. In fact, alcohol actually makes me purge better]. Or could this be due to something in my chute that’s blocking all those goodness from seeing the daylight? Something like… piles?

*shock horror gasps* Oh no not piles!! I’ve heard so much about these nasty fuckers. They’re hemorrhoids that grow right out of your bunghole, and if they happen to catch an infection, you’re gonna experience labor pain (or something like that). Much of the stories were heard from my mom, and even my father had an infection himself before. Mom told me that his ass bled so severely after an operation, that he had to wear a sanitary pad to go around. It wasn’t an issue until my dad got himself involved in a bar-brawl… when he got over athletic biffing up some dude, his bloody pad actually parted into half (that was in the 70’s, probably pads weren’t that durable back then…).

I don’t know man, getting piles just isn’t an idea that I’m very fond of. It’s eating me out, and I don’t know if I’m harboring one right now in my ass. Though I haven’t experienced any pain nor felt any big hickeys jutting out from that bat cave, but the symptoms seem to conform the profile of a nasty piles in the making. Like, my shits are oozing out right now like squeezing a tube of toothpaste with a very small opening… it’s as if something is holding up the opening like a bottleneck. I can feel the pressure building up in my rectum each time I defecate. (hell, even my farts are skewed!)

It’s at times like this that you wish you’re a cyborg or some inorganic object like a dildo (yeah bebeh). We humans are too fragile and are too susceptible to biological fuck ups.

Now I’m gonna just monitor my ass if it’s going to clog any longer… *sigh*

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 19 Comments