Archive for the ‘ramblings’ Category

April 21, 2010

bitches who couldn’t drive

You wouldn’t believe how many bitches who couldn’t drive are working in Company X at any given moment. I personally don’t fucking know, but to give you an idea, there were no less than a dozen of accidents already in the parking lot alone (once with an ambulance summoned, I’m not shitting you). Probably even more. I have personally seen 3 of them, and all were female drivers.

They can be categorized into 4 major categories,

1) Bitches who don’t know how to stop-look-go.
You heard of that Mazda tagline ‘zoom zoom’ before? That’s what this group of bitches do when they come to an intersection. They’d zoom right through it without stopping or looking. Company X used to have 2x intersections more than it has today, thanks to a few accidents by this group, the management decided to barricade half the number of intersections to reduce the number of accidents in the parking lot (yes, believe it). And notwithstanding that, we employees still occasionally see some bitches getting into a car wreck in the parking lot.

2) Bitches who think the parking lot has a minimum speed limit of 110kph.
Speed demons with a cunt. They’d probably drive slower on a public road… I don’t know, but when it comes to Company X parking lot, they seem to have that urge to speed as if their pudendum is on fire and they need to put out the fire pronto. There was once, an employee was reversing out of a parking lot (after looking, of course) and a bitch was speeding from nowhere and crashed into that reversing car. The speeding car had to be towed away because it was in a total wreck.

3) Bitches who couldn’t park for shit.
The idea of parking a car is to fit the damn car into the rectangular box provided. This group of bitches would do the complete opposite. They’d park their cars all ways imaginable, to NOT FIT into the rectangular box. They’d park their car diagonally across 2 lots, over the outline, up on the divider, an inch close at the left but a meter wide at the right, you name it. I once even saw a lady driver wrecking her bumper in slow motion against the divider, with a car full of cronies laughing like hyenas inside. It was fucking disturbing.

4) Bitches who do not observe traffic flow.
Their intrinsic sense tells them, that if a terrain is flat enough for her tires to roll on, then it will be considered a drivable surface. They’d drive against the traffic flow, on places where cars are not allowed, across empty lots, etc. Remember the female engineer I used to have in my team? She got into an accident in her short 2 months tenure in Company X. How? She drove diagonally across the empty parking lot boxes and crashed into another on-coming vehicle. And countless of incidences before that I myself encountered – bitches driving against the traffic flow on my lane etc…

****

That is why, when I see a car with a female driver in proximity in Company X parking lot, I get very very anxious and cautious at the same time. It seems that I have developed this subconscious set of mechanism to protect myself from harm (from those crazy ass female drivers in Company X), pretty much like a mole rat being primordially territorial about its personal space… If a female driver were to invade my personal space, I’m gonna fucking dive and get hostile later.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 5 Comments
April 5, 2010

lousy career adviser

A few days ago, I had the chance to accompany a young nephew of mine to go to a college to inquire about its available courses. Though he is still not very certain about what to study, but I think he was certain about one thing that day – is that what a bad and lousy career adviser I make.

Basically, I kind of dispensed some unorthodox advices to that young guy such as, “Go for a course that has the most pretty chicks. If you don’t like the studies, at least you’d enjoy the company.” Of course it was just a suggestion, because it’s really entirely up to him. If he has to ask me, frankly speaking, that’s what I’m going to tell him. Just go for what you think is fun. And ‘fun’ for a guy at his age is no other than having infatuations with different chicks at the shortest interval.

Anyway, this kind of reminded me of my time when I was in the same dilemma at his age. I remember I didn’t go around to collect information like him because I didn’t have the same luxury. What mattered to me was not the ‘what’, but more on the ‘how much?’. I remember an aunt of mine (dad’s elder sister) – who for some weird fucking reason seemed to have the impression that I’m a thick headed troublemaker – was so determined to send me off to become a sailor, that she convinced my mom and offered to pay for the course itself. She told me, I could at least get 3 meals there and I get to sail around the world for free… But the whole idea was more to lower the chance for me to land my ass in motherfucking jail by staying out of trouble and away from the society, at the ocean.

I couldn’t help but feel insulted there because I wasn’t anything like Hannibal Lecter (I guess that was how my hatred towards my relatives started) and decided to go to work for an uncle of mine (mom’s brother) who was running an electrical firm. From there, I got some solid advice from him, who told me – electronics is the future. That was how I decided to go for electrical/electronics engineering. I chose engineering because it will be ‘da thing’ in the 21st century, not really because it was something I love doing. If things were to go fairy tale and I get to do things I love, I would have been a successful bum now – because I love to sleep, fuck and eat.

But come think of it, if I were to take that sailor offer back then, I’d be having some ripped off shirt with revealing pecs and nasty six packs, killer tan and probably sleeping around with some chicks at some exotic port somewhere… as opposed to being a droopy eyed corporate drone wearing a fake Polo office shirt with doughy physique, fish belly pale complexion and a chronic short sightedness sufferer for staring at the computer screen too much – I realize that I might just have fulfilled my dreams if I were to take my aunt’s offer 15 years ago. Oh well. So I guess this is all just about sticking to a decision and having no regrets about it.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 3 Comments
November 2, 2009

no I’m not

My colleagues and I have been discussing about someone in Company X who climbed the corporate ladder too damn fast, again. This time, I was prompted to think for myself, what could I have done to be like that person. You know, grow faster… have a faster journey to the top… shits like that. The thought required me to get out of my character, and look at myself as a second person. I immediately identified one key area that could have been the factor that weighted my position stagnant like an fucking anvil – sociability.

I have to admit this fact that I’m not a very sociable person. No I am not an antisocial. It’s just that given the chance, I prefer to be alone. I don’t like to be with people whom I don’t know. I like to be with myself. I enjoy my own company. I don’t like attentions. Strangers talk to me when I’m on the plane all the time and I hated that. When I am about to go into the elevator? I won’t hold for other people, or I would just wait until it is empty so that I can be by myself. When I dine alone in the workplace cafeteria, I secretly wish that no one joins my table. I don’t participate in social gatherings (except within my own circle of close friends) and I don’t like crowded places.

Because I am like that, I get less exposure to people who might be important to me, or at least important enough to give me an opportunity for the next step in my career. It is an undeniable fact that having more allies in the working world is essential. Think of allies like the number of sex you have and your success as the baby you conceive. The more times you plow your partner in a shorter span of time, the better your odds are to get your partner pregnant. Ergo, more allies, more doors of opportunities. This is where I fail. Coupled with the fact that I can be such an asshole sometimes (especially to those whom I think are of less intelligence), I literally sealed my own fate myself. I get that much less of a shot than a person who is more sociable and capable of sucking cocks of any size and color.

But I’m just being myself. I can’t help but be myself.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | Comments Off
August 4, 2009

man-pussies

Being a metrosexual has gone to a whole new frightening level in the 21st century. So frightening, that I seriously believe that if we do not do something about it (whether scientifically or psychologically), the male gender is going to obsolete its own balls and grow a vagina instead. Don’t believe me? Tell me, how many of you guys do these… :

Expensive shampoo or conditioner for hair
I’ve seen some guys discuss their shampoo preference openly. You know, split ends, dry hair, dandruff. What kind of extracts from which type of exotic plant it has. I do not know since when do guys worry about these petty stuff. What’s wrong with ordinary shampoo??

Expensive facial treatment
It’s also equally disturbing to know that some pussy boys pay to have their face washed for 2 hours. The end result? Still the same face. These metrosexuals don’t seem to be able to understand that our face secretes stinking oil/grease every fucking second and no facial treatment could prevent that from happening (unless of course, if you’re a corpse).

Manicure
I heard this on the radio the other day, that Pietro guy went to get his nails done. I was like, WTF??? It’s unbelievable really. Why would a guy need to get his nails done? Fucking escapes me. To enhance the experience of scratching their man-vagina perhaps.

Powder on face
I kid you not, my wife once saw a Malay neighbor (who’s a doctor) powdering his face inside his car with an applicator (which looked something like a miniature Roti Naan). He’s probably on his way to get his annual pap smear, I guess.

Trimmed eyebrows
There’s a rather effeminate guy character residing in our HR department at Company X, who had his eyebrows regularly trimmed thin like he’s auditioning for a drag queen contest. But that guy’s a guy though, because everything else looked normal – except his pair of fucking ridiculous eyebrows. So damn fucking pondan-ish.

Hand lotion
The only justifiable excuse for a guy to use the hand lotion, is when he needed to lube his dick for an aggressive session of anal sex with his girlfriend. Other than that, it’s just inexcusable. I’ve blogged about this before here.

The list goes on. Those are the disturbing ones that I know. Maybe only the tip of the iceberg, there are probably more disgusting ones that I couldn’t imagine. Like I have said, man we should really do something to change these pussy behaviors lest we’d all evolve into one common androgynous specimen…

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 16 Comments
June 24, 2009

ramblings

Man, I hate it when my friends post pictures of them going to a vacation in Facebook. Them and their best impression of having a really good time. Never fails to make me feel crappy about my mundane life.

I sometimes forget things that I wanted to remember 5 minutes ago, and sometimes, I get hit by emotional pangs like a fucking schoolgirl. I don’t know why.

I erroneously submitted a permission to resign the other day. My boss panicked and sent me a memo to call for an urgent discussion. I frantically called him up that it was a mistake but the damage was done.

My 3 year old daughter has been using my tummy as her play space lately when I’m reading. She’d lie down on it, and sometimes make her toy animals roam around it like they’re romping in a savannah. Signs of my bed getting smaller and my size getting bigger.

The relationship with my current job is best described as ‘estranged couple’. We look happy together but we have no more chemistry in between.

A colleague asked why my RJ45 cable on my IP phone looked so much longer than his. I quoted – the same reason why a dick looks longer with shorter pubes and conveniently asked him to clean his desk to see the same effect.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 8 Comments