Archive for the ‘ramblings’ Category

June 18, 2013

trashcan

One of the wackiest thing about my daughter’s school is, it has no dustbin or trashcan in its premise. Yes, believe it. No dustbin or trashcan.

The day that I attended the orientation at my daughter’s school, the old hag principal proudly exclaimed the fact that the school is an ‘eco-friendly’ school, and it produces no trash, as it does not have any dustbin or trashcan in its premise. Any trash generated by the students, will have to be brought home by themselves. That has got to be the dumbest shit I’ve heard in my entire life.

That’s like saying, in order to get zero food poisoning in an eatery, the premise would stop serving food altogether (just eat at home). I was so tempted to yell at that hag : “It’s not that you do not produce any trash! You’re merely transferring them out through proxy!” And eco friendly my ass. Instead of say, using a reasonably large communal trash plastic bag, you’re asking each student to bring the trash home with a smaller plastic bag, which I’m sure if you were to piece all of them collectively flat together, the surface area would be a few folds bigger than what it would take to have dustbins or trashcans – making the whole thing worse.

What happened to teaching our kids to be more civic minded? Why can’t they just have proper place to dispose the trash and teach our kids how to utilize them? Just imagine the effort it will require to teach them things as simple as disposing trash considerately, without real trashcans… “Girls, you need to discard your stuff in a trashcan. It’s not here, but you can imagine one”. I bet they’re going to imagine disposing their trash in the toilet bowl instead, especially those blood soaked sanitary pads. Good luck in getting those out, Einstein.

Fucking bollocks these people, I tell you.

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November 29, 2011

community dinner

A colleague went about the lunch table inviting everyone to his neighborhood’s community dinner or something. With his neighbors, whom he has known for probably tens of years. That was when I convey my admiration to him, that it is something that I could never achieve… for I – if you can’t already tell – am not a very sociable person.

Hell, I don’t even know any of my neighbor’s name. When there’s a need to refer them as a character essential for a conversation (with my wife), I’d just conveniently refer them as ‘the guy with a brown dog’… ‘the blimp couple who shed weight’… ‘the guy who works in [company name]’… ‘the Indian neighbor with fat kids’.. you get the idea. I’m just not the kind of person who would go around posing like I’m super friendly like that. Most of the time, when I see any neighbor near the elevator, I’d just go pretending to fumble for something in my car until he/she’s gone, and I’d get the elevator all by myself.

But lately, I think I made some progress. I could remember a couple of the kids’ names because some of them have been playing with my daughter Regine. I used to refer them as ‘that annoying kid who speaks with a lisp’… or simply ‘that little turd with long hair’. Now I remember their names. With names, I can refer to their parents as ‘[kid’s name] mother’… instead of something like ‘that fat bitch with cellulite’. I think I might on to something here. Maybe I’d remember some of my neighbors’ names in a decade or two… and invite everyone for a community dinner or something.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 1 Comment
December 7, 2010

nosferatu

I notice that I’ve been bitching a lot about things lately. Being too busy at work, I kinda took up bitching to even up the odds, lest I get constipated.

Anyway, just wanted to ask, have you guys ever seen someone and you get that feeling that he’s an asshole, even if you have never met him before? Well, there’s this manager for this function group which I support at my new workplace, I got that feeling about him when I first met him. I call that guy ‘Nosferatu’. I gave him that name because he fucking looks like one – fiendish look of a cross between a vampire and a mutated sewer rat. Lanky and old, with the complexion of a bloated dead puffer fish’ underbelly; if he stays still for a minute, one would surely mistaken him as a cadaver. Probably arm oneself with a wooden stake before going near him.

At first, I thought it was his looks, you know, being ugly as shit. But as I work through the first few weeks of my job, I started to discover that it was actually deeper than that. It was my sixth sense. Pretty much like what some animals experience whenever a big tsunami is coming to fuck things up. I get that strong feeling whenever he’s around. So I started to take notice of him, and kind of discovered a disturbing trend of his that pretty much underscores the suspicion. I kinda noticed that he has this fetish for people of Indian ethnicity (he’s a Chinese), people who are bald and bitchy girls who have big tits. He has about a few dozens of employees and treats everyone as equally as shit except people who fall into the combination or either of these 3 categories.

Indian, baldy or busty bitch.

Hell, if one were to look at this from a high enough angle, one will see that his department is slowly dividing into 2 groups. Fetish and non-fetish. And the numbers of the non-fetish group is dwindling (which consists of a bunch of really abled individuals in my humble opinion). So this guy is kinda like setting a really bad trend here with his fetishism. Man this is fast becoming like, an infestation. Or even discrimination if you want to call it. If you’re not dark, bald or bitchy busty, you’re fucked. So far, I have already had a significant run of problems coming from Nosferatu’s horde of good-for-nothing pets – a couple from a bunch of his Indians, one time from a stinking baldy of his and a few from his busty bitch secretary.

I think I have stumbled into a world of stinking office politics. This is not looking good for me at all. Someday, I’m gonna masturbate on Nosferatu’s keyboard to unbalance all his Chi, Chakra, zodiac rotation or whatever – so that all his Indians are gonna turn fair, bald honchos grow hair and his bitch gets a deflated pair.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 7 Comments
September 23, 2010

obvious

Top 3 questions asked by my female friends about my new job:
– How’s your new job?
– How’s your new office?
– How’s your new boss?

Top 3 questions asked by my male friends about my new job:
– How are the chicks there?
– Any pretty colleagues?
– Any hot chicks there?

It’s pretty obvious how different our minds are, isn’t it?

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 7 Comments
July 7, 2010

Paul the oracle octopus

I’m sure most of you guys have probably heard about ‘Paul the oracle octopus’. This cephalopod is purportedly able to accurately ‘predict’ ALL of Germany’s matches in the World Cup. Pardon me, not really predicting the actual score, but rather who wins or loses. It’s like a 50% chance of random success. And it just happens that the octopus keeps choosing Germany and Germany keeps winning.

But of course, people don’t see it that way. People kind of see the octopus as a creature with super powers. The whole thing is actually a sham, really.

How? You see, the Paul the octopus itself is a German, reared in a German aquarium (or something). Everyday, the caretaker probably feeds Paul some food in a container wrapped with the German flag. Maybe they’ve done this a few hundred times. If you have read about the experiment of ‘Pavlov’s Dog‘, then you’d know Paul would definitely choose the container with the German flag over other flags – because it would naturally associate the German flag with food! (well, unless Paul is retarded, of course).

So this is kind of like the case with your pet dog. You put its bowl on the floor, and watch it flail its tail because it knows you’re going to feed it. When Paul sees the German flag, Paul will be thinking of food! Paul just wants the food, he cares not about your game. And this time, he kinda made a boo boo… he selected the container with the Spain flag, much to the distress of all the German fans. Paul probably realized that there’s also food in the Spain container, and decided to try it if it is something different (he must have been too bored eating the same shit everyday).

So is Spain gonna win tonight? Well if it turns out that way, then maybe Paul is an oracle after all. They should replace that armpit-whiffing-booger-eating German coach with Paul instead.

However, if Germany wins tonight, then we should all have Paul for dinner. Japanese style.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 23 Comments