A colleague went about the lunch table inviting everyone to his neighborhood’s community dinner or something. With his neighbors, whom he has known for probably tens of years. That was when I convey my admiration to him, that it is something that I could never achieve… for I – if you can’t already tell – am not a very sociable person.

Hell, I don’t even know any of my neighbor’s name. When there’s a need to refer them as a character essential for a conversation (with my wife), I’d just conveniently refer them as ‘the guy with a brown dog’… ‘the blimp couple who shed weight’… ‘the guy who works in [company name]‘… ‘the Indian neighbor with fat kids’.. you get the idea. I’m just not the kind of person who would go around posing like I’m super friendly like that. Most of the time, when I see any neighbor near the elevator, I’d just go pretending to fumble for something in my car until he/she’s gone, and I’d get the elevator all by myself.

But lately, I think I made some progress. I could remember a couple of the kids’ names because some of them have been playing with my daughter Regine. I used to refer them as ‘that annoying kid who speaks with a lisp’… or simply ‘that little turd with long hair’. Now I remember their names. With names, I can refer to their parents as ‘[kid's name] mother’… instead of something like ‘that fat bitch with cellulite’. I think I might on to something here. Maybe I’d remember some of my neighbors’ names in a decade or two… and invite everyone for a community dinner or something.

I notice that I’ve been bitching a lot about things lately. Being too busy at work, I kinda took up bitching to even up the odds, lest I get constipated.

Anyway, just wanted to ask, have you guys ever seen someone and you get that feeling that he’s an asshole, even if you have never met him before? Well, there’s this manager for this function group which I support at my new workplace, I got that feeling about him when I first met him. I call that guy ‘Nosferatu’. I gave him that name because he fucking looks like one – fiendish look of a cross between a vampire and a mutated sewer rat. Lanky and old, with the complexion of a bloated dead puffer fish’ underbelly; if he stays still for a minute, one would surely mistaken him as a cadaver. Probably arm oneself with a wooden stake before going near him.

At first, I thought it was his looks, you know, being ugly as shit. But as I work through the first few weeks of my job, I started to discover that it was actually deeper than that. It was my sixth sense. Pretty much like what some animals experience whenever a big tsunami is coming to fuck things up. I get that strong feeling whenever he’s around. So I started to take notice of him, and kind of discovered a disturbing trend of his that pretty much underscores the suspicion. I kinda noticed that he has this fetish for people of Indian ethnicity (he’s a Chinese), people who are bald and bitchy girls who have big tits. He has about a few dozens of employees and treats everyone as equally as shit except people who fall into the combination or either of these 3 categories.

Indian, baldy or busty bitch.

Hell, if one were to look at this from a high enough angle, one will see that his department is slowly dividing into 2 groups. Fetish and non-fetish. And the numbers of the non-fetish group is dwindling (which consists of a bunch of really abled individuals in my humble opinion). So this guy is kinda like setting a really bad trend here with his fetishism. Man this is fast becoming like, an infestation. Or even discrimination if you want to call it. If you’re not dark, bald or bitchy busty, you’re fucked. So far, I have already had a significant run of problems coming from Nosferatu’s horde of good-for-nothing pets – a couple from a bunch of his Indians, one time from a stinking baldy of his and a few from his busty bitch secretary.

I think I have stumbled into a world of stinking office politics. This is not looking good for me at all. Someday, I’m gonna masturbate on Nosferatu’s keyboard to unbalance all his Chi, Chakra, zodiac rotation or whatever – so that all his Indians are gonna turn fair, bald honchos grow hair and his bitch gets a deflated pair.

Top 3 questions asked by my female friends about my new job:
- How’s your new job?
- How’s your new office?
- How’s your new boss?

Top 3 questions asked by my male friends about my new job:
- How are the chicks there?
- Any pretty colleagues?
- Any hot chicks there?

It’s pretty obvious how different our minds are, isn’t it?

I’m sure most of you guys have probably heard about ‘Paul the oracle octopus’. This cephalopod is purportedly able to accurately ‘predict’ ALL of Germany’s matches in the World Cup. Pardon me, not really predicting the actual score, but rather who wins or loses. It’s like a 50% chance of random success. And it just happens that the octopus keeps choosing Germany and Germany keeps winning.

But of course, people don’t see it that way. People kind of see the octopus as a creature with super powers. The whole thing is actually a sham, really.

How? You see, the Paul the octopus itself is a German, reared in a German aquarium (or something). Everyday, the caretaker probably feeds Paul some food in a container wrapped with the German flag. Maybe they’ve done this a few hundred times. If you have read about the experiment of ‘Pavlov’s Dog‘, then you’d know Paul would definitely choose the container with the German flag over other flags – because it would naturally associate the German flag with food! (well, unless Paul is retarded, of course).

So this is kind of like the case with your pet dog. You put its bowl on the floor, and watch it flail its tail because it knows you’re going to feed it. When Paul sees the German flag, Paul will be thinking of food! Paul just wants the food, he cares not about your game. And this time, he kinda made a boo boo… he selected the container with the Spain flag, much to the distress of all the German fans. Paul probably realized that there’s also food in the Spain container, and decided to try it if it is something different (he must have been too bored eating the same shit everyday).

So is Spain gonna win tonight? Well if it turns out that way, then maybe Paul is an oracle after all. They should replace that armpit-whiffing-booger-eating German coach with Paul instead.

However, if Germany wins tonight, then we should all have Paul for dinner. Japanese style.

You wouldn’t believe how many bitches who couldn’t drive are working in Company X at any given moment. I personally don’t fucking know, but to give you an idea, there were no less than a dozen of accidents already in the parking lot alone (once with an ambulance summoned, I’m not shitting you). Probably even more. I have personally seen 3 of them, and all were female drivers.

They can be categorized into 4 major categories,

1) Bitches who don’t know how to stop-look-go.
You heard of that Mazda tagline ‘zoom zoom’ before? That’s what this group of bitches do when they come to an intersection. They’d zoom right through it without stopping or looking. Company X used to have 2x intersections more than it has today, thanks to a few accidents by this group, the management decided to barricade half the number of intersections to reduce the number of accidents in the parking lot (yes, believe it). And notwithstanding that, we employees still occasionally see some bitches getting into a car wreck in the parking lot.

2) Bitches who think the parking lot has a minimum speed limit of 110kph.
Speed demons with a cunt. They’d probably drive slower on a public road… I don’t know, but when it comes to Company X parking lot, they seem to have that urge to speed as if their pudendum is on fire and they need to put out the fire pronto. There was once, an employee was reversing out of a parking lot (after looking, of course) and a bitch was speeding from nowhere and crashed into that reversing car. The speeding car had to be towed away because it was in a total wreck.

3) Bitches who couldn’t park for shit.
The idea of parking a car is to fit the damn car into the rectangular box provided. This group of bitches would do the complete opposite. They’d park their cars all ways imaginable, to NOT FIT into the rectangular box. They’d park their car diagonally across 2 lots, over the outline, up on the divider, an inch close at the left but a meter wide at the right, you name it. I once even saw a lady driver wrecking her bumper in slow motion against the divider, with a car full of cronies laughing like hyenas inside. It was fucking disturbing.

4) Bitches who do not observe traffic flow.
Their intrinsic sense tells them, that if a terrain is flat enough for her tires to roll on, then it will be considered a drivable surface. They’d drive against the traffic flow, on places where cars are not allowed, across empty lots, etc. Remember the female engineer I used to have in my team? She got into an accident in her short 2 months tenure in Company X. How? She drove diagonally across the empty parking lot boxes and crashed into another on-coming vehicle. And countless of incidences before that I myself encountered – bitches driving against the traffic flow on my lane etc…

****

That is why, when I see a car with a female driver in proximity in Company X parking lot, I get very very anxious and cautious at the same time. It seems that I have developed this subconscious set of mechanism to protect myself from harm (from those crazy ass female drivers in Company X), pretty much like a mole rat being primordially territorial about its personal space… If a female driver were to invade my personal space, I’m gonna fucking dive and get hostile later.