Archive for the ‘phonecalls’ Category

August 10, 2006

NOOOO GIRLLL

Emily’s phone rang before we left for work this morning. It was Sweety on the line. If you can remember Sweety, the unsophisticated wench who’s frantic about everything in her life, who’s also one of Emily’s dearest friends.

I wasn’t immediately made known why she called, but from what I gathered through Emily’s side of the conversation, I managed to make up that she hadn’t been menstruating for a while, which lent her the suspicion that she might be knocked up, and had been to the doctor to look at ‘the problem’ (or something like that).

Here’s the reconstruction of what I heard from that one sided conversation (though may not be verbatim, but is as accurate as the original) –

Emily : “So you’ve been to the doctor?”

Sweety [on the other side of the line] : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “What did he say?”

Sweety : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “So did he give you a pregnancy test?”

Sweety : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “WHAT?”

Sweety : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “You mean, the one that he straps around your arm, pumps it tight and then slips in with a stethoscope????”

Sweety : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “NOOOO GIRLLL!!! That thing is used to check your BLOOD PRESSURE, not to check if you’re pregnant!!!!”

Self explanatory, people. It doesn’t take a genius to decipher what actually happened here.

When Emily hung up, she and I looked at each other, and gave a tacit acknowledgment about her friend’s superior display of obtuseness.

I wonder what could have happened if the doctor were to strap that sphygmomanometer on her head and pump it up tight… She’d probably think that she’s going through a lobotomy… NO SHIT!

(Man, I’ve been laughing by myself many times since this morning whenever I think about this blunder… I think I might need to get a ‘pregnancy test’ myself soon…)

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
July 27, 2005

as sore as it gets

My office phone rang when I was having a discussion with a colleague today…

Anonymous caller : [strong Malay accent] “hello Mint….”

Me : [bellows with a strong virile voice] “No, this is Anna. What do you want ?”

Anonymous caller : *GASP* “Erhh… sorry…sorry… tersalah nombor…”

*CLICK*

Man I laughed so hard that I almost shat in my pants.

Now I’m sure most of you guys have received a boo-boo call before. Be it a prank, crossed line or a pure blatant misdial… they can be annoying at times. But if you’re creative enough, it’s gonna spell ‘fun’ instead. Here are a couple of wicked replies I’ve heard in the past …

*****

Some random guy called for my teenage sister in the middle of the night. My mom answered because my sister was asleep like a corpse :

Anonymous caller : “May I speak to Beancurd ?”

Mom : “Beancurd ? There’s no Beancurd here. This is a casket trading company. You want something ?”

Anonymous caller : *frantically slams the phone*

*****

An Indian guy called the wrong number to my friend’s cellphone.

Indian guy : “Hello ? @#$%^&*()_+” [uttering some high tempo Tamil language]

Steven : “Ying-girl-lair…. ying-girl-lair …. ying-girl-lair”

Indian guy : “Hello ??? Hello ???”

Steven : “Ying-girl-lair ?”

Indian guy : *CLICK*

*****

*There are more which I could not recall.

And I would love to do something about those telemarketing dipshits that keep pestering me whimsically. Just some day…

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | 21 Comments
June 27, 2005

sei chow hai

Some conversation I had with a yuppie girl bitch from Finance today…

Me : “Hi [bitch’s name], I would like to inquire about the cost of a particular item on that shelf. It was a box of chocolate. And …” [interrupted halfway]

Bitch : “I’m sorry, I have a stack of forms here to process. I need to go through them before I’m able to provide you the cost.”

Me : “Oh, ok. So, when will you be able to complete ‘going through’ the forms ? I needed to buy that box of chocolate urgently”

Bitch : “I’m sorry, I have a stack of forms here to process. I need to go through them before I’m able to provide you the cost.”

Me : “Errrmm … you’ve already told me that. I’m just asking, when would you be able to provide me the cost of that box of chocolate ?”

Bitch : “It’s not the matter of chocolate or not. It’s not important to me. You’ll have to give me until the end of today.”

Me : “What?”

Bitch : “I have a stack of forms here to process.”

Me : “Ok, whatever. So, shall I provide you the brand and make of that chocolate so that I can check with you later ?”

Bitch : “No, I’ll need to process the forms first… then only I’ll be able to get the cost for you…”

Me : “Look, lady‚Ķ how would you be able to get me the cost, if you don’t even know which type of chocolates I was talking about ?”

Bitch : “I’m sorry, I have a stack of forms here to process. I need to go through them before I’m able to provide you the cost.”

Me : “Like can you at least get back to me when…” [interrupted halfway]

Bitch : “I’m rushing for closing today, am very busy and hope you can understand that.” [hangs up]

Me : “ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!”

Motherfucking stupid bitch.

FYI, it actually wasn’t a box of chocolate. It’s some high end product in my workplace. I substituted it as ‘a box of chocolate’ to ease the task of explaining. (and to protect work confidentiality)

The point I’m trying to make here is – if one doesn’t even know how to comprehend the simplest form of an instruction or inquiry, how can we expect that person to correctly get our accounts up and running without discrepancies? That explains a lot on the local financial fuckups that the management kept complaining about. Maybe we didn’t overspend… maybe it was the stupid accountants that screw everything up.

*If you don’t understand the whole thing above, nevermind.

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | 16 Comments
October 4, 2004

pete’s dilemma

Today, I received a call from my boss Pete. Well, ex-boss now, to be exact. He sounded as if I’ve killed his pet dog, some grave matter, dropdead serious.

me : “What happened Pete? What’s the matter?”

pete : “I would like to clarify something with you.”

me : “Go ahead dude, what’s the matter ?”

pete : “Did you know what we ordered that night?”

I could not grasp what he was actually trying to ask me. (because I was half sick myself today. I see things in 256 colors and my resolution was blurry).

me : “Huh ?”

pete : “You know, that night.”

It was the night we went out romping after a colleague’s wedding dinner.

me : “The night after [colleague]’s wedding dinner?”

pete : “Yeah, I wanted to know what have we ordered in the club…”

me : “2 bottles of whiskies. And later through the night, you stirred some shit with the waitress and ordered another bottle of brandy.”

pete : “Oh.. did I??? That explains the bill!”

me : “Are you telling me that you don’t remember paying for all that?”

pete : “Errr… I can’t recall anything at all. I just happened to see 2 bills in my wallet and I got the shock of my life…”

Damn, can you imagine that? My boss calling me up to ask me about something he don’t remember doing in a club. Later when I showed some pictures of him intimating with some female species, he exclaimed :

pete : “GODDAMN! I don’t even remember taking those pictures!”

Yeah, he don’t even remember who brought him home that night (it wasn’t me).

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
August 9, 2004

multitasking

Sometime last week …

I was looking for my colleague Elbee, needed to get something done. There was no answer from his desk phone, so I called him at his cellphone. It went on unanswered. But just before the call went into the voice message, Elbee answered.

Elbee : “Errr…hello…”

Me : “Elbee! Michael chi peng.”
(translation : “Elbee! It’s Michael here”)

Elbee : “Errr … hamisu ?”
(translation : “Errr… what’s the matter ?”)

I noticed that his voice sounded a bit different. It was as if he was talking inside a metal box. It had this kind of weird echo / surround effect. I was curious about just where he was… and so, I took the initiative to find out

Me : “Elbee… lu tua toh lok ui?”
(translation : “Elbee… where are you now?”)

Elbee : “Errr… wa tua ti… errr… ha mi su boh ?”
(translation : “Errr… I’m now at… errr… what’s the matter actually?”)

From the way he responded, I managed to hard-guess that he was probably taking a dump inside a toilet booth.

Me : “Elbee… lu tua toilet si boh? heheh …”
(translation : “Elbee… are you inside the toilet? heheh…”)

Elbee : “Eh heh heh… ha mi su ?”
(translation : “Eh heh heh… what’s up ?”)

Me : “Hahah… an chua? pang sai song boh?”
(translation : “Hahah… how was everything? Are you having a great time taking your dump?”)

Elbee : “Heheh… hmmph..”

He was clearly paying attention on something else at that moment. Probably was working on a particular long piece of shit, trying to snip it off by contracting his anus hard.

Me : “Ok ler Elbee… ban ban pang. Pang liao, ka call wa… ok ?”
(translation : “Ok Elbee… take your time. Just call me once you finish dumping… ok ?”)

Elbee : “Hmmmpphh … erhh… ok… ”

Kinda wondered, why is it so hard for some people to multitask while taking a dump? I would usually bring along a book or my PDA for some games while taking my dump. Sometimes, I would even call up my friends to chat too… because dumping shit is a boring business.

My friend – Charles, he even brought along his portable disc player into the toilet, reading a copy of Gila-Gila at the same time (our local humor magazine, equivalent to Mad in US). It’s a good thing. Maybe Elbee’s capacity isn’t doing him justice…

So kids, heed this message by brother Michael — When you take a dump, always bring along your revision book… or a porn mag… or a Gameboy… or a foot massager. Just anything. According to some experts, it helps to train your brain how to multitask even in the most difficult situation – such as getting high defecating. (don’t ask me which expert).

Another community message brought to you by michaelooi.

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off