Archive for the ‘phonecalls’ Category

January 18, 2007


My cellphone rang, its screen showed an unidentified number. I answered it anyway,

Me : “Hello.”

Caller : “Hello… Anne?”

Alright stop. Say, you’re calling up a girl (or a woman) whose name is Anne… and a male voice (who obviously isn’t “Anne”) answered. Who do you reckon the person that answered the phone could be?

a) Anne?
b) Anne feigning a male voice?
c) Anne’s brother, whose name’s also Anne?

If you chose anything other than D, you have a problem. Just like this caller.

Me : “This is obviously NOT Anne. This is Michael. I think you may have called the wrong number.”

Caller : [pause for about 3 – 4 seconds] “Errrr… I think I called the wrong number…”


[come think of it, there’s a possibility that the caller may be looking for a drag queen whose name is Anne. And I fucking sounded like his drag queen friend! Kanneh!!]

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | 14 Comments
November 23, 2006

‘off’ in the head

Emily was deluged with shitloads of chores at her office this morning when her cellphone went off. Agitated by the untimely call, she answered it with a ‘it-better-be-an-important-call’ tone… It was Sweety on the line, as anxious as ever. Emily could have asked her to call back at another convenient time, but because she’s pregnant (yes, she finally did it), Emily had to give her the privilege of attention, lest that she might kill herself or something (you know knocked up ladies are usually a bit ‘off’ in the head)

Sweety : [alarmed tone] “Emily! I have to ask you something!”

Emily : “What is it?”

Sweety : “I remember you told me about Jane having diarrhea when she was pregnant, right?”

Emily : “Yeah, what about it?”

Sweety : “Well, I’m having it now!”

Long silence…

Emily : “Errrr… so?”

Sweety : “I’m having a diarrhea now!”

Emily : “Errr… am I suppose to do something about it?”

Sweety : “No. I am just calling to tell you that I’m having a diarrhea… that’s all.”


Emily : o_O”

When imbecility and psychosis combine, the end result can be fucking scary.

This story was relived by Emily on our way home from work today.

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
November 11, 2006

dolt – take 7

The lab phone rang.

dolt : “Hello, is this the lab?”

me : “Yes, you are currently calling the lab extension”

dolt : “Errmmm… is there anyone inside the lab right now?”

me : “Well, I’m currently answering your phone call from the lab extension… I guess there is…”

dolt : “Errr… no, I mean later. Will there be anyone inside the lab later?”

me : “It depends dude. You’ll have to define your ‘later’. If the ‘later’ you meant was 9pm tonight, then NO. There won’t be anyone here.”

dolt : “Ahaks, of course of course. I mean, now. Will there be anyone inside the lab if I were to come now? I need to use the lab facility.”

me : “I’m here alright” [DUHHHHH]

The guy came to the lab shortly after that. He looked just like a Chinese version of Sudirman, but with a heavily cratered face like Laurence Fishburne. (the bald guy called Morpheus in Matrix)

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
November 2, 2006

dolt – take 6

The lab phone rang, and I answered it.

dolt : “Milkboy”

Great, I thought. Another dolt who doesn’t know how to ask properly.

me : “I’m not”

dolt : “Is he in?”

me : “Not in.”

dolt : “Do you know where he is?”

me : “Don’t know”

dolt : “Ok thank you..”

Seriously, I wonder what the hell have they been teaching at schools and colleges. Kids nowadays don’t seem to have the slightest wit to hold a decent phone conversation anymore. FUCKKKK!

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
October 23, 2006

bank officer lashing therapy

*long post, don’t bitch*

I was crudely awakened from my afternoon nap by a phone call. It was a guy who claimed that he was a property valuer of some sort and was sent by the bank yadda yadda yadda. I was still groggy from the sleep and couldn’t make out much of the stuffs he said. So I just babbled something incoherent just to confuse that guy. The guy then requested for a convenient time so that he could drop by to take some photographs of my apartment. (which then, I realized that it was about the homeloan refinancing thingy that both Emily and I have been dealing with recently…)

That was when I woke up and went “Whoaaa wait a minute”. Like, how come I wasn’t informed about such arrangement by the bank before? What if this whole thing’s a gyp and that ‘valuer’ turns out to be some sex deprived terrorist who’s gonna ass rape me and my furniture? I didn’t like it at all. So I requested the valuer, to ask the bank to call me instead. Just as an assurance that the whole deal’s for real. (you can’t be too careful nowadays)

5 minutes later, the mortgage guy from the bank called. Let’s call him Spark (after my colleague’s dog) for convenience’ sake. A little background description about Spark – he’s an asshole. A quick talking lanky dude who sports a geeky look with zits scattered all over his face. Prior signing our loan agreement, he had been a servile professional with 5 star services. But after we signed the agreement, he sort of… disappeared. Emily called Spark last week to check on the status, and she was lashed with a rather sarcastic remark from him – that he didn’t update us on the progress because there hadn’t been any progress. Like I said, he’s an asshole.

Now, back to Spark’s phone call. I was still very riled up about my unsuccessful attempt to get a decent nap. Suffice to say, he called in at a very wrong time. When I answered the phone, Spark purged me a long ass spiel about the whole deal, which again, I tried to hearken but with no success. I had to cut him short by stopping him halfway, got myself together and asked him this

Me : “So what do you guys want? Why haven’t we been told about this before?”

Spark : “No I’ve already told you about this before bla bla bla” [my attention starts to fade…]

Me : “No, Spark. You didn’t inform me. I’m very sure about this.”

Spark : “I’ve told your missus when I explained about the policy bla bla bla” [my attention fades again… he spoke too fast…]

He might have told Emily about this. But I’m not surprised if Emily didn’t hear him. This guy’s like a verbal minigun. I could hardly catch his words.

Me : “No. No, Spark. We wouldn’t have asked you to call if we’re aware about this. Anyway, what is this all about?”

Spark : “Mr.Ooi, I’m very sure I’ve already told your missus about this. The valuer is not here to ask for money and you don’t have to pay anything for this…”

I snapped. Spark made 3 big mistakes.

1) He failed to realize that the customer’s always right. I’m his customer. If I said he didn’t do something, he should apologize and do it. The key thing is, apologize and move on.

2) He made a sarcastic remark. Never be sarcastic to your customer. Never bite the hand that feeds you. And the issue is very evidently clear, that it wasn’t all about money. It’s about uninformed arrangements.

3) He addressed me wrongly. I don’t like to be addressed as Mr.Ooi. It makes me feel old. He could have called me brother, or messiah, I don’t fucking care.

I lost my head and started to berate him like a madman. I don’t quite remember what I shouted on the phone but, I could telepathically sense through that headset that he was bewildered about my sudden display of hostility towards him. At one point of the highly charged verbal castigation, he tried to justify his undoings:

Spark : “But I really did tell your missus about this before and…”

Me : “Look Spark. Those are verbal. You can’t expect everyone to remember everything you said. Especially when you always speak so fast and so eloquent, so goddamn intelligent like that. What I ask from you, is that.. you could have informed us on anything in advance… is that so hard to expect from you?”

Spark : “I apologize Mr.Ooi, I didn’t mean to…”

Me : “It doesn’t matter anymore. It won’t change the fact that I don’t like you. And your smart ass sarcastic ‘money’ remark. You do know what ‘sarcastic’ means, right?”

Spark : “Yes I do…”

Me : “Good! Well, I don’t appreciate it at all. You be careful with what you say next time, you hear me? Or I’m gonna cancel the refinancing.”

And he kept apologizing after that, and I kept clobbering him with words that he probably never heard in his life before. And when everything was cooled down enough, he made a little request:

Spark : “Errmm Mr.Ooi, I also need to highlight something about your quit rent. If it’s not too inconvenient for you, would you please get us a copy with the management stamp on it, or do you prefer me to do it for you?”

The hell I know what the fuck is a ‘quit rent’.

Me : “You see… Spark, I have a baby at home, and I’m a very very busy guy. Just like you, Spark. The only difference is, you’re busy serving your customers’ asses and I’m busy serving my baby’s ass. You got me?”

Spark : “I understand, Mr.Ooi. I’ll do it myself”

Yeah, I’m his customer, he should serve my ass. That’s why he was hired by the bank in the first place.

You see, people. It only takes some common sense to do your work sometimes. Had Spark used a little bit of his, he would have saved himself some scoldings from an unscrupulous client like me. (you guys should do this sometimes, it’s really fun trashing up bank officers… therapeutic too)

He later thanked me for the ‘feedbacks’ and fucked off.

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