A few weeks ago, my vacuum cleaner died on me. Fortunately, it was still under warranty so, I sent it for repair. Fast forward a couple of weeks later, I received a phonecall. A young lady with a sweet voice greeted me from the other side…

Customer service: “Hi Mr. Ooi, I am Sweetvoice calling from Acme appliances. You sent your vacuum cleaner for a warranty claim 2 weeks ago?”

Me: “Hi, yes I did. Any problem?”

Customer service: “Oh, no problem at all. Just calling you to tell you that it’s done. We had to replace its motor.”

Me: “Great! So when can I collect the vacuum cleaner?”

Customer service: “Ermm, collect the vacuum cleaner? I… don’t know.”

Me: “So it’s not available for collection yet?”

Customer service: “I… don’t think so.”

Me: “Then, what is this phone call all about?”

Customer service: “To tell you about the repair, that it has been completed.”

Me: “No, I’m confused. So, you called to tell me that it’s completed but I can’t collect it?”

Customer service: “I… don’t know. Let me check with my senior…”

Me: “Ok…”

[she put me on hold, came back about 15 secs later]

Customer service: “Sorry Mr. Ooi, I’m actually new at work. I don’t know what should I do next. I’ll call you back when I have more information…” [kept on apologizing profusely…]

Me: “Ok…”

It’s a wonder how a sweet voice could have averted disaster of people shouting at her for being such a screw up.

Do you guys know that it is a cardinal sin for telemarketers to send information through any means except the telephone, just because they’re called ‘telemarketers’?

I’ve proven it once. A few days ago, I’ve proven it again.

It was a lady with a thick Indian accent, whom, for reasons unknown to even myself, I imagined to look like that Datuk Ambiga something something (yeah, that Bersih aunty).

Telemarketer: “Hi Mr. Ooi, this is Ambiga calling from X bank. I am here to promote this super awesome insurance that you must buy et al~~”
[not her real name, and not verbatim]

Me: “Errmm, sorry, I have already bought a bunch of insurances.”

Telemarketer: “You really have to listen to this offer I have for you because it is different. This insurance is ~~~”

She started to ejaculate her insurance stuff on the phone, and I didn’t even get a chance to respond. I had to cut her off instead.

Me: “Whoa there, Datuk Ambiga. Look, it’s been a long day in the office, and I’m tired as shit. Anything you say on the phone will not be registered by my brain so, why don’t you email me your wonderful offer with all the notes inside, I’d take a look at it and call you back if I’m interested?”

Telemarketer: “I’ll make it simple enough for you to understand, you just need to give me 3 minutes~~~”

Me: “No I’m sorry. I just can’t. Email me, I’ll take some time to read it through and take a thorough consideration of your offer.”

Telemarketer: “But this is telemarketing, I can’t send you the information through email… just the phone…”

Me: “Well then, it is YOUR LOSS lah! Ok??”

Telemarketer: “Ok ok, bye Mr Ooi”

Fucking telemarketers.

I received a phone call from an unknown number when I was in a meeting. I rejected the call with a text message:

In a meeting, who is this?

Guess what did the guy answer?

I would like to ask about housing loan.

Get this straight, I asked the guy who he is, and he answered me he wanted to ask me about ‘housing loan’. So I tried again with another text, this time, with a more direct message (coincidentally, I just had some mortgage stuff going on, and feared that the caller might be from the bank),

Who are you? Do I know you?

Again, the guy answered my text with something irrelevant

Is mr tan xxx xxxxx introduce u to me!coz i going to buy new house thus i want to know ur Hong Leong BLR rate

I wanted to answer him that the Hong Leong BLR rate equals to cheebye minus lancheow plus lamphar, but I changed my mind after giving a thought about him having my number and all. So I replied courteously.

You got the wrong number. I’m an engineer. Not a mortgage officer.

Man, what a fucking dumbass. This is fast becoming a disturbing trend – I’ve noticed that a lot of people nowadays do not seem to know how to answer a question straight. Ask yourself, how many times have you asked a co-worker or a fast food operator something, and that person goes on to elaborate about something that is totally irrelevant?

Example:
Q: “Do you have the roadmap for this project?”
Dumbass answer: “I already called a meeting with the client, bla bla bla, and I have gotten their agreement bla bla bla….” [goes on for the next 1.5 minutes without a confirmation]

The only possible valid answer for the question above is obviously either a ‘Yes’, or a ‘No’, and perhaps after that, specify where the hell is the roadmap, or why don’t you fucking have it yet. But many a times, people would just drift to another world with their stupid ass answer. This is just so annoying.

I was inching in the middle of a traffic congestion, when my phone rang…

some chap on the phone: “Good morning sir, this is Ahmad calling from Shittybank about your homeloan. Are you Mr. Ooi?”

Yes, I indeed have a homeloan account with Shittybank. Thinking that something must be wrong, I decided not to hang up yet…

Me: “Yes, I am. Anything?”

Ahmad: “This is a service call [something something something]”

That bracket something something was an assortment of unintelligible shit of his deep Malay accent and warp speed talking. I couldn’t understand a thing he said and was slightly annoyed…

Me: “What do you want?”

Ahmad: “Are you still living in Gotham City?”

Gotham City is the name of my apartment. Not the real name of course…

Me: “Yes. What’s wrong?”

Ahmad: “What’s your unit number?”

That was when I snapped. My mortgage bank calls me to ask where I live?? There’s only so much bullshit I’d take. So I yelled at that guy…

Me: “What is this all about??”

Ahmad: “Oh I just wanted to verify if your phone contact is still valid…”

Me: “Well, you’re speaking to me now aren’t you?? What do you think???”

Ahmad: “Ok sorry. Thank you for all the prompt payment, appreciate it. [bla bla bla]”

It appears that the dickwad called just to verify if my contact number registered in their books is still valid. And to do that, he had to ask where I live… (What the fuck??)

I wonder – what’s with verifying my contact if I have been prompt with my payment anyway?? Why bother?? Shouldn’t it be the other way round (badger me if I don’t pay)??

That’s what happens when you get idiots to run the customer service… It never ceases to amaze me how incredibly stupid some people can be…

If you’re one of such person, heed this – CALLING US ON OUR PRIVATE NUMBER WON’T ENHANCE YOUR BANKING SERVICE!!! (well, unless you’re calling to announce that the bank wants to fucking waive all the money I owe… otherwise, please fuck off)

A couple weeks ago, I received a call from my ISP on my cellphone while I was analyzing a very important report at work. It was a young guy on the line and asked me if I was at home,

Me : “I’m sorry, but I am at work now. Just like you, earning a living to pay bills. Anything?”

Bloke : “Oh nothing Mr. Ooi, just wanted to check your router’s serial number, which you purchased from us 3 years ago”

Me : “I’m not going to be at home just for that. Why don’t you send me an email instead, I’ll just check and mail you the serial number tonight?”

Bloke : “Ok Mr. Ooi, I will do that, thanks”

And he hung up. A few days went by, no email. Then a lady called me on my cellphone to ask for the same thing, again, when I was busy saving the world at work. Like what I told the previous guy, I told the lady that I’m at work and I don’t conveniently carry my router’s serial number everywhere I go.

Me : “A few days ago, a bloke called to ask for the same thing. I asked him to email me, but he didn’t.”

Lady : “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know that. I will send you an email right away.”

Then she hung up. Again, no email, no sms, nothing. Fast forward a week later, which was yesterday, ANOTHER MALAY LADY called me up to ask for the same thing – my router’s serial number, when I was busy troubleshooting some intricate engineering work with a couple of engineers. This time, I snapped.

Me : “This is the third time you imbeciles call me! I’m at work and I couldn’t possibly provide you the details under my router, don’t you understand??? That’s why I asked your colleagues to send me an email! Why can’t you people just do it already??? You would have gotten the stupid serial number had any of you sent me a goddamn email!!!!”

Lady#2 : “Sorry sir I didn’t know that somebody had called you earlier…”

Me : “YEAH, NEITHER DID ANY OF YOUR STUPID COLLEAGUES! For the record, I so want to send you the serial number right now, just so that you’ll stop bugging me! But I CAN’T! I’m AT WORK! Why is it so hard for you guys to send out an email???”

Lady#2 : “I’m really sorry about that, so should I send it to your work email?”

Me : “WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SEND IT TO MY WORK EMAIL ADDRESS!!? I already told you I can’t check my router’s serial number at work!!! What is wrong with you!?”

Lady#2 : “Sorry, sorry, but what’s your home email address?”

Me : “You’re my ISP and you don’t know my email address??? Check your records lah!!!”

Lady#2 : “Ok, ok… michaelooi@isp.com… got it got it”

Me : “Can you send it now? Now??? Do it now! NOW!!!! And please don’t ever call me again!”

And I remember I screamed at her somewhere in the middle of the conversation. Forgot what I screamed but, it was nasty. I was like, channeling all my cumulative frustrations at her through the phone and I shut both my eyes when I did that – much to the engineers’ bewilderment. I could tell that the lady was at the verge of crying, but hell, I didn’t care back then. I just wanted to let out. If there were to be a dog nearby, I would have grabbed the damn animal and bit it to death. (It’s been some time since I was this mad).

Anyway, I received the email that very night… and those idiots finally got what they fucking wanted.