Yesterday, I spent some time by my dad’s death bed with the rest of my family. It was a sad event. It felt as if everyone was getting together to bid him a final farewell. Dad was very groggy from his advanced stage of illness, but still, he confessed a lot of his worries and his fears to all of us. This was the first time I’ve ever seen him doing that.

I can imagine his feelings right now - when he learns about his impending death. There would be so many bitter regrets and sweet memories to think about. And the sad part of it would definitely be - to learn that he won’t be able to achieve certain objectives in his life. Something like, to know how would his grandchild looks like… or how big our family will grow… how successful his son is, will he ever achieve greater things in life…

He’ll never get to know all that.

He kept staring into blank space, wandering off in deep trance of thoughts whenever I talked to him. It seems like he couldn’t hold enough energy to even put an iota of concentration to listen. I have seen this kind of symptoms before, that was when my grandma was terminally ill a few months back. This definitely was not a good sign.

And for the first time in my life, I spoon-fed my father his meal. I never thought I could be doing this after all these years of so many conflicts between us. For the record, he has never spoon-fed me before. And how I yearned for a fatherly love back then… and it’s definitely not fair for him to check out from this life so early. I have never really known how it felt like to have a complete family… and by looking at his condition like this, I know I never will. Not in this life of mine.

I’m not sure how this thing will all turn out to be in the end for him and me. I’m having insomnia and my migraine is back.

I am feeling very lucky for I don’t have to go through the complex process of getting married. Emily & I skipped the reception for a few reasons. I think a real good wedding should be a happy affair, simple and at the same time, memorable for the couple. But sadly, I don’t see that happening for most weddings nowadays.

People nowadays are having reception for their weddings for the sake of having it, be it as a tradition, or a requirement from their parents - rather than a true celebration of love… and these are often accompanied by heaps of exhausting chores of organizing the gaiety event, and the need for a huge expenditure. And all these, I think, causes more frustration than happiness… and I don’t think why we should do all that just to satisfy the people around us.

Getting married is a very private affair. And I think it is utterly unnecessary to get yourself into so much trouble just to appease someone else who has nothing to do with our marriage. That’s why, Emily and I decided to use the money to go for a honeymoon instead. And that is way happier for us, simpler and more memorable, than organizing a troublesome wedding ceremony. Nobody really gives a damn if you are tying a knot… and I am actually helping everyone to save an ang-pow or a wedding gift by not organizing a wedding reception. A win-win happy-happy situation.

Visited dad yesterday. We had a lengthy chat about our pasts & presents. It was an emotional moment for both of us - there was one point when dad told me, that both of us haven’t been really spending a lot of time chatting like this. I felt bad about it. I had nothing to blame but myself, for spending too much of my time building my career and chasing my dreams. Well, I certainly can’t reverse that back now, nor can I travel back in time to patch things up for both of us. There’s nothing much that I can do, or want to do, other than to convince him to go to this certain place for his treatment and everything will be taken care of from now on…

You know … it’s really hard to boot yourself back in track when you’ve been derailed from depression. This is exactly what I am trying to do now. I am trying to handle things like how I’m supposed to… I am trying not to be affected too much by the issues that I am encountering now.

Had an early day & brought my dad to the hospital for his medical checkup. Again… had to endure the long queue - waited from 9am - 3pm.

No serious alerts from the doctor this time - except the heads up about dad’s liver. Basically, his liver isn’t any more useful than a piece of rock now.

Well… what can I complain. My dad partied too much during his macho days & it’s time for his liver to quit. He’s paying the hefty price now. All I can do now is to get him to the doc as and when necessary…

His medication + fees cost me another 300 over bucks this time. I’m beginning to feel the pain. The doctors really make a lot of money … 2nd highest in my list of top wage suckers:
1) pub owners (yeah … parties…)
2) doctors (pub owners corrupt the livers, docs fix livers)
3) banks (my credit card debts from parties …)
4) lawyers (the fucking mortgage)

Got home at 4 & just hung around the couch pondering about money… Money is definitely mankind’s worst invention …