I was having my tea break with a bunch of colleagues at our workplace cafeteria, when we were joined by this distant workmate of our’s. A lady in her late 20’s, with acceptable looks, decent garbs, mild manners and shit, she was considered an alright person by many, including myself… though I don’t really know her well. My acquaintance with her can be best described as ‘the nodding workmate’ - our interactions are limited to nods and smiles on the corridor, and an occasional exchange of feel good ‘hi’.

Anyway, we were about to leave the cafeteria when that lady colleague came along and joined us. Not wanting to be rude, we kinda stayed on, at least until she finishes her coffee. Office courtesy, you know… So, we continued with our chats while waiting for her to finish whatever she was having, but about a couple minutes later, I caught something evil from her direction (she was seated right next to me). It was the odor of heavy perspiration. Like a Bangla’s, wasabi strong. I was at the verge of having an uncontrollable fit and was choking for air.

A quick moment of realization - because the smell wasn’t there before, I duly assumed that the source had to be from her. And sure enough, my suspicion was confirmed when she lifted her arms from getting too animated in a conversation, the odor proportionally grew and hit my nose like a train… almost making me keel over. I was like, oh my fucking godddd, and was about neurons of reflex away from abandoning the fucking table… you know, lest I’d get a brain damage or something, but I didn’t. I’m smart enough to know, that pissing someone off is always not a good thing to do. It is little things like this - being discourteous to strangers - that always fuck you in return in the future without you realizing it. It’s an unfair game that we all have to play. In this situation, the best available option is to stay, whiff her BO if I must, just so to not break any bridge and avert a possible risk of ruining my career in the future…

So I had no choice but to stay, with a few spontaneous countermeasures to mitigate the peril of being there. First, I soft kicked my chair to inch as far away from her. The bigger the distance between us, the less intense was her armpit odor for me. Second, I tried to hold my coffee mug as close to my nose as possible. You know, the aroma of coffee can mask almost any stench (which is true). Third, I refrained myself from participating in any of the conversation, lest she’d get excited and stayed longer.

And the plan worked. I managed to live through the entire ordeal with minimal effects. The last I checked myself, I still can move the computer mouse with no less dexterity and I didn’t have drool flowing out from the corner of my mouth… what a close call… but I might not be so lucky next time. It’s all for the career and a sad day for a man.

Leave me alone…

(Fuck, I think I’m gonna leave a phantom note on that lady’s desk sometime, to tell her that she should fucking get her stinking armpits amputated… GODDAMNN)

The Prime Minister reminded his cabinet members not to espouse corruption yesterday.

That had me thinking like, wow, what a great Prime Minister he is. I mean, had he not given the advice [not to be corrupted], mannn those kids at the cabinet probably won’t realize that corruption is a baddd baddd thing to do.

And the Malaysian public gets to see how much of these ‘lost’ kids found their way, having seen them reciprocating gratitudes (aptly titled: ‘PM’s reminder a timely one‘) in the mainstream media today . Here are some excerpts from the article for your reading convenience :

We were reminded not to be arrogant and be pre-occupied with having flashy cars and huge mansions. This reminder gives a deep meaning to new ministers like me who have been given the trust to ensure that government policies and allocations are well spent to benefit the people,” - Entrepreneur and Co-operative Development Minister Datuk Noh Omar

So this Noh guy initially had a plan, until the Prime Minister gives him the mandate that he is to be a good person, not a villain. And thus, his destiny changed. His motto now is ‘Serve the people, serve the people. Quit dicking around, quit dicking around’.

This is the best advice ever given by the Prime Minister - Youth and Sports Minister Datuk Ismail Sabri Yaakob

This advice goes even deeper for Ismail here. He felt that this is the ‘best advice EVARRR’ given by the Prime Minister. EVARRRR - as implicated in the statement, is not to be taken lightly, people. The expression ‘EVARRRR’, can only be used in situations that requires extreme caution, and you’re ill prepared to impress. Hence, this one word drastic solution. Eg of usage: Your wife tries out a new recipe and asks if you like it. Your life hanging in balance and not knowing what to say, you do the ‘EVARRR’ countermeasure - “Honey, this is the best dinner EVARRRR!”

I wonder why the PM didn’t give this advice earlier, you know? So that everything can be avoided in the first place and those numb nuts wouldn’t have siphoned money for themselves and wasted so much oxygen… But then, this Syed guy kinda answered it…

Abdullah had given the same advice before but this time it was most appropriate - Home Minister Datuk Seri Syed Hamid Albar

Syed said this time, they will listen because of the setback they had in the recent general election. That means, had they won the election, they would have continued with their ways to be a bunch of corrupted dickheads. Ergo, the big lost they had was a blessing in disguise… and the PM’s advice came timely as an enlightenment. Slow but, still effective. What a revelation.

It’s a national service and we must all be willing to work hard - Rural and Regional Development Minister Tan Sri Muhammad Muhammad Taib

Oh yeah man. He’s trying to tell everyone that being a minister, isn’t about sitting around in the office and surf porn all the time. It’s about ‘willing to work hard’ and serve the nation. He hasn’t been very articulate but, you get the idea. And I myself probably wouldn’t have known that without him telling me. “Being a minister is a national service and is all about working hard” - maannnn, what a classic.

kum bachur atzel ve’tze la’avoda

Work was light today, so I spent some time to compile a list of ‘top 5 types of girls that fucking turn me off’. The list is not in particular order (but they’re all as equally detestable to me as a maggot infested piece of shit…)

- girls who think they’re tough just because they’ve been fucked by gangsters before.
I’ve met girls like that. Dissembling around like they’re some tough bitch, just because they’ve been slammed by numerous scumbags. They’ll quote their dramatic pasts (mostly exaggerated) literally in every conversation, and would take every opportunity to lead her pack of friends to be critical at virtually anything she finds unsatisfactory. Eg. blaming every guy on this planet for everything.
If you’re one of these people, I have one message for you - GO FUCK YOURSELF! Experience and wisdom do not transfer through cum, and especially not from scumbags, thugs and hoodlums. You’re just another bitch who had sucked a lot of filthy dicks and took some pounding at your poontang… and THAT won’t make you any tougher or smarter.

- girls who think they can disguise themselves as a guy by dressing up as a guy, talk like a guy and act unrealistically tough.
As much as I dislike effeminate blokes, I hate girls that act tough just because they can’t stop telling the whole world that she’s a fucking tomboy. I tell you what, fitches, you’re still a twat no matter how well you can concoct an act or dress up like a guy. We see through you and you’re fucking detestable. I once saw an unmistakable bitch who wore a leather jacket sported with a heavily gelled or waxed crew cut. She talked loudly in her best impression of what resembled a guttural deep voice, which sounded kind of weird to me (I could hear her at the restaurant because she was so annoyingly loud), with her legs up on the chair and all that. The funny thing was, she had these huge motherfucking tits and failed miserably at hiding them, and she was about 4 feet something in height. WHAT THE FUCK INDEED! How I wished I could turkey slap her with my schlong and let that fucking poser know what substance does it take to become a real guy…
Real tomboys don’t act up stuff like that. They dress up decently, have high self esteem and make full use of their education to be a refined person they ought to be. (hint: being a guy is not about the fucking attitude, bitch.)

- girls who can’t get enough of taking pictures and taking pictures only
It is ok if one is obsessed with taking pictures. I’m obsessed with taking pictures myself too. But not over-obsessed like crazy, you know what I mean? What do you make of a person who takes picture at basically everything? A fucking annoying cunt. I was unfortunate enough to get acquainted with such an individual before. The bitch would take pictures of everything she happens to come across - amenities, static objects like phone booths and potted plants, stray animals, everything that moves or doesn’t. A casual outing to the restaurant would yield her an SD card full of digital pictures. If you talk to her, she’s gonna take a picture of you talking. If she is in the scene of a bank robbery, she’d be too busy to mind her own safety because she’d be snapping pictures away. It was like, the cunt’s trying to document every fucking second of her pathetic life with that darn digital camera.
You just can’t enjoy having people like that as company, be it a friend or a lover. Having them around would be annoying and uncomfortable, because they would make everything so unnaturally not enjoyable… People like them deserve to have stones in their kidneys.

- girls who wear that smug label for whatever reason
Girls who think that the world is a stage with the spotlights on them, who don’t believe in diplomacy, who think that they have the biggest pussy in the universe, etc. Their needs are always accompanied with the inclination of clinging to their rich and glamorous friends, or people whom they think can yield them some extra attention. If not visiting a pedicure/manicure/fuckingcure parlor, they are usually found hanging out at upmarket cafés and bistros just for the sake of being seen there (whilst their financial being might not be that flexible for that kind of lifestyle). I encountered many of them before and I tell you, they come from all walks of life. From bona fide high level execs to phony over-the-counter service clerks. They’re like a disease, that feeds on the sheer pleasure of treating other people like crap and being a self absorbing cockblock. Usually, karma would have it that they’d get disproportionately laden with cellulite in the postnatal stage when they get to have their own family (if they ever get to have one), which would then likely make them suffer an advanced stage of depression and eventually fucking commit a suicide by swallowing a few dozen bottles of contraband slimming pills…

- girls who can’t get over a failed relationship and cause a nuisance
I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of tales about deals gone bad in a break up episode. Seemingly normal girls who can’t take the failure of a relationship well and end up transforming into a walking disaster. A friend of mine once dumped his then girlfriend, only to have her hounding him at his phone every frigging night. That crazy bitch even told him on the phone that she has terminal stage cancer and is about to die - just so that my friend would come out to meet her for one final time. (which of course my friend did not. The bitch was probably plotting to stab him or something). Bizarre is the word, I know, but my point is, these people are the type of girls that would do anything to prevent the relationship from ending. From being a sore loser, to being a nuisance. And they usually contradict their own fucking attitude prior breakup - they did nothing to make the relationship work, but would do ANYTHING drastic to stop it from ending. From spreading lies and rumors, to spoiling others’ relationships… they’re like a drowning flea-bag, that would pull anyone that happens to come close enough into the water with them. Cheap and desperate. Totally despicable.
Thank god I never hooked with such wretched creatures before. It’ll be a traumatic experience.

*****

I wonder why God wants to have these people around. Man he could have created more cockroaches I don’t fucking care. But why them? Sheesh.

My 10th year service award dinner. I wasn’t going to attend it until I saw the grand prize for the lucky draw - it was a notebook that I desperately longed for. That was when I decided to give it a shot, you know, just in case I got lucky or something. But it was a decision that I would regret later - not only did I not get anything, but I had to sit with the weirdest shit.

The weird shit I’m talking about, is a spinster in her late 40’s. Just in case you wonder, yes, she’s there to receive her 10th year service award. Like me. (But then, I assure you, that was the only thing we have in common). What’s worst, she was sitting right beside me.

So, what makes me think that she’s the weirdest shit? A lot of factors, people. I’ll list them out and you decide yourself.

First of all, the look. You see, this lady, I reckoned that she’s still a spinster because of many reasons. One of the main ones, has got to be her looks. And man, is she fucking ugly or what. Emaciated and greenish pale in complexion, you’d think that either she’s a retired crack hooker or someone impersonating a decomposed corpse in a Halloween party. On top of that, her face is also riddled with acnes and warts, with a coarsely cut scarecrow hairstyle. As for her garbs that night, she was wearing a somehow worn out and faded T-shirt (untucked), with an extra sized dark blue khaki pants complemented with a pair of white sneakers. (it wouldn’t have looked so weird if she wasn’t attending a formal company dinner to receive her 10th year service award)

Now, you might probably think that she just has a bad taste in fashion, and was not blessed with a good look and shit, and that doesn’t warrant the right for anyone to label her as a weirdo, right? Well, unfortunately, no. She also talks to herself. She’d babble things (by herself) during the whole course of the dinner. Initially, I thought she was talking to me. As I do not want to be rude, I asked for her pardon a few times - and she’d just go “bzz bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz” and ends it with a cackling witch laugh “eeehehehehehehehhehh”. It happened for a few times before I got really scared - you’ll never know if people like her is gonna short circuit, grab somebody’s balls (I was just sitting right beside her, you see) and bite his nuts off its sack or something.

And then, there was one particular moment, she closed her eyes, crossed her palms together on her lap and started meditating right on the table. Everyone was so dumbfucked then. I even jokingly said to one of my colleagues, that if we see smokes coming out of her head, we better fucking run. She’s probably evoking her voodoo shit and is opening the hell gate. (it deliberately said loud enough for her to hear it - I was just testing water if she’s pretending. But she didn’t seem to hear it). She did the meditation for a whole 5 or so minutes, woke up and continued to cackle like usual. Totally bizarre, man.

The management said that they hoped that we’ll all have an unforgettable experience that night, and I certainly had that (albeit in quite the opposite way). I kinda also wondered, what actually happened to that loony spinster? Was she as kooky as this 10 years ago before joining Company X? Is her present self a by-product of years of stress and depression from excessive work? What would be her next stage of metamorphosis then? A full mental retardation?

I’ve already worked for Company X for 10 years. She probably got kooky years ahead of me due to her shallow character or perhaps unhealthy diet. And if that’s true, then it is just a matter of time before I become like her… and that’s a disturbing fact to learn indeed.

*sigh*

Today, my boss Paul sent me an ‘input request’ to rate Elliot’s performance in Company X. It goes like this (some details have been changed to protect my ass from getting prosecuted for publishing this):

Team,
I would like to get your feedback on Elliot’s performance for the year of 2007. It will be a few minutes of your time. Your feedback will be incorporated as a development plan for Elliot. Rest assure that your feedback will be kept confidential. Thanks in advance for your input.
1)What has he done well in 2007?
2)What are the areas for improvement in 2007?
3)What is your rating for him in 2007? (1=Excellent, 2=Good, 3=Average, 4=below Average, 5=Poor)

For a moment there, I felt like I was given the divine power to decide Elliot the Idiot’s fate in Company X. This is like, a chance for me to shove shit up that motherfucker’s ass, legally, and let him have it ‘the company’s way’… How cool is that!
But then, after mulling for a while, I decided to be more sympathetic and spared him from the gallows. It’s one of the things I’ve learned from experience. Stabbing a weak retard will only make yourself look bad. So I gave him a rather pleasant review instead… by punching in lies after lies with my dirty keyboard. Told the boss he’s a hardworking fella and gave him an average rating.

But I can’t forgive myself for stopping there, because somehow, I feel that the truth has to be told somewhere. And if by chance of fate, the truth makes its way to the rightful ear, there will be at least a small chance that good will prevail. That’s why I feel compelled to reveal them here… the actual thought that I have about Elliot’s performance in 2007:

1)What has he done well in 2007?
Other than damaging the multimeter probe, damaging the oscilloscope holder, stealing tools from other engineers (which resulted himself getting cussed with the foulest profanities by various parties), shirking off work to service his crappy car when the boss’ not around, taking 3 times longer than average time to complete a simple job, faking MCs, exhibiting embarrassing and gross table etiquette during departmental dinner, listening to fengtau disco songs in the lab, smearing his own boogers underneath his desk/workbench….. NOPE, this parasitic sleazebag did not do anything at all in the year 2007.

2)What are the areas for improvement in 2007?
All the areas need improvements. But since he’s already at the level where improvement is no longer practical and necessary, I’d suggest to either purge him out of his sorry existence through the paper shredder (for the good of humanity), or you can send him away to collect used sanitary pads in female restrooms and roadkills around the industrial roads surrounding Company X, away from working with us abled people - just for the effort of siphoning some miniscule scale benefit off him as tax for breathing our oxygen all these years.

What is your rating for him in 2007? (1=Excellent, 2=Good, 3=Average, 4=below Average, 5=Poor)
‘5′ would be a rating too benevolent for a wretched vermin like Elliot. Allow me to suggest 500. Extremely shit fucking poor. People like him should just die (above everything else that have been suggested above).

There, the truth told.

People, spare me a wish this Christmas. Please help to make a wish to Santa to take away Elliot from this planet. Drop him at the moon or the sun, just away from us.