Elliot the fucking idiot - a bane to humanity.

Elliot: “Errr… Michael, may I borrow an external DVD-R from you?”

Michael: “External DVD-R?” (I was dumbfucked. This is like hearing him say that he wants his mom to have a poontang.)

Elliot: “Yes, an external DVD-ROM drive.”

Michael: “So do you want to borrow a DVD-ROM drive? Or a DVD-R media?”

Elliot: “I’m sorry, I meant a DVD-ROM drive”

Michael: “What do you want it for?”

Elliot: “I needed the CD-ROM drive to install an operating system for this notebook here…”

Michael: “Fuck you Elliot. A CD-ROM drive? I thought you said you wanted a DVD-ROM drive?? What the fuck do you want exactly??”

Elliot: “A DVD-ROM drive.”

Michael: “Do you even know the difference between the 3 commodities?? A DVD-ROM, DVD-R and CD-ROM? What kind of a dumbass are you??”

Elliot the fucking idiot, with a degree in Engineering, and a pursuant of MBA - doesn’t know the difference between a DVD-ROM, DVD-R media and a fucking CD-ROM drive. Motherfucker’s a disgrace to the profession… and a bane to humanity.

Apparently. This isn’t the first I heard about it but, it kinda climaxed in the past few weeks. Paranormal shit seems to have increased lately for reasons unknown. I didn’t know about it until last week, when I overheard a conversation between Mojo Jojo and a rookie technician in our lab. Curious, I asked Mojo Jojo about it.

Me : “Dude, I overheard Bala told you he saw something weird?”

Bala is that rookie technician.

Mojo Jojo : “Yeah. He was staying back for overtime one day and he saw one of the chairs moved by itself”

You know, those chairs with wheels? It usually wouldn’t be that surprising if a chair with wheels moved by itself. But when it has stayed static for the past 2 hours and then only it moved by itself, that’s not normal. It must be a fucking ghost or something.

Me : “So how did he react to the situation?”

Mojo Jojo : “He abandoned the lab. And for the record here, he said it was your chair that moved.”

Me : “Wow. Should I feel scared now?”

Mojo Jojo : “His was the third case recently. I encountered something weird myself. Like Bala, I was staying back for overtime when I encountered this strange chilling breeze on my neck, and I saw some shadow movements at the corner of my eyes. Spooky shit”

Me : “So did the ghost caress you or anything?”

I was intending to turn that into an obscene joke, but Mojo Jojo saw it coming…

Mojo Jojo : “It licked my balls and gave me a hand job! Hahahh!”

Me : “Yeah, that’s probably gonna happen tonight”

But the discussion turned serious after that. It appears that Elliot had the worst encounter of all - he actually SAW SOMETHING. According to Mojo Jojo, Elliot’s computer crashed and a green colored dick suddenly stuck out and turkey slapped him blackout. Alright I was just kidding. He actually saw the shadow of a kid roaming around the lab and he felt something entering him through the pores of his skin (I’m not making this up!). Like the rest of the unfortunate guys, he made a quick exit and never came back. All three of them lodged a complain to the manager about their own encounter (as if the manager could issue a ’show cause letter’ to the ghost… ahaks)

Mojo Jojo thinks that these paranormal encounters became more frequent recently due to the demotivated state of mind we’re all in. He concocted a theory that when our morale’s low, we’re letting our guards down and as a result, are more prone to see/encounter these paranormal shit. I don’t know if I could make myself believe that crap but, I was thinking that it has something to do with one’s intellectual level - the less intelligent a person is, the more likely he’s going to see a fucking ghost. So, it’s between Elliot, Mojo Jojo and Bala (Bala is known to have the IQ level of a rat).

But Mojo Jojo could still have a slightest chance of being right. If he’s right, that would mean the petrol hike did not just make our life more difficult with the inflation and stuff but also, made our asses more prone to encounter ghosts and goblins. (life difficult = less money = more overtime = higher risk of seeing a fucking ghost. See my point?)

If that’s the case, I guess the only practical thing left for us to do is claim for the petrol subsidy (through lottery win or something) when we see a ghost… you know, for the unwanted inconvenience of meeting each other. (by hanging around afterdark, we’re probably disrupting their partying schedule - that’s why they’re trying to spook the shit out of us. Hence, it’s only right if we can make a deal with these underworld beings for the benefit of all…)

Somebody posted an interesting comment in my ‘kick ass‘ entry.

# somebody said: Hai world. Try to be the PM and ask yourself what to do.

My reply to him/her:

# michaelooi said: somebody - If I’m the PM, I’m gonna punch myself in the face, undo the fuel price hike, sack all my monkey ministers, renounce my PM-ship and then make way for somebody who is more capable to be the next Prime Minister.

There is this lady manager in Company X, known for her fiery temper and assiduous characteristics. She excels in her work, is objective driven and is very well liked by the top management. Hell, she was even given a personalized epithet by our western counterparts - ‘The Bitch Tigress of the Orient’. Now this ‘Bitch Tigress’ might seem successful in her career and stuff, but there is one side of her that does not seem to complement the success well. Her looks.

Yes, her looks. She is still a spinster for that very obvious reason. She is so frigging ugly that if it wasn’t for the laws of physics, we all would have been petrified by her presence alone. When she’s around, flowers would wither, food would turn bad and small animals would die. She is one hell of a cursed motherfucking creature walking on Earth for reasons unknown to mortal men.

A couple days ago, I was unfortunate enough to be spotted by ‘Bitch Tigress’, when I was whacking my lunch alone at the Company X cafeteria. She was by herself, and was probably looking for a company to chat or something but, I was unlucky enough to be in proximity. She asked if she could join me in my table… I so wanted to ask her to fuck off and leave me alone, but I couldn’t. That was because in the corporate world, we are all bound by this invisible force of courteousness (alright, I was fucking scared of her), so I said yes, why not, she can certainly join me. But I knew I was in for a really difficult time.

She attempted to chat up, but I would just give her the same standard “yeah?” and “Yeah” reply. I wasn’t really into it because I just wanted to finish my food fast and get the fuck out of there. But for some strange reason, it became quite an uphill task. Every spoonful of my rice tasted just weirder and weirder - until I finally realized that it was so because the beef patty on my plate was spoilt (see ‘food would turn bad’ above). Mein Gott Himmel!!

And that was when I also noticed that the ‘Bitch Tigress’ was eating like a pig. She had food spilling over the edge of her plate and also from her mouth. In fact, there was a grain of rice stuck right above her upper lip while she happily munched her fried chicken boisterously. It was distracting. The piece of rice seems to have a life of its own, like it was trying to climb up from her upper lip into her nostril for a cave spelunking adventure. I was thinking of whether to tell her about that grain of rogue rice, but a part of me wanted to see if it actually would made it all the way up into her fucking nose so… Anyway, it didn’t. It eventually flew out together with the rest of the projectiles from her mouth during her eloquent speech.

The whole episode lasted a little less than 10 minutes before I took a hasty leave, but I have to admit, it was the longest of 10 disturbing minutes for me, for I have never seen such an utter female slob in my life before. I mean, how could a female be at such unrefined state that would disgust even a guy?

You might say that it’s impossible but, I have met such person before - ‘The Bitch Tigress of the Orient’.

Leave me your contact if she’s your type.

Our work group was recently criticized by a visiting gweilo VIP, that our lab looked like a pig sty more than a proper workplace. The boss wanted us to do something about it.

Because I am the most awesome amongst the lot, I was put in charge to overlook the image expiation effort by the boss. Without delay, I managed to get the whole 5s shebang started last Friday with a kickoff brainstorming event and got some actions logged. By Monday, everything started to look really splendid, except for our subsidiary smaller lab under Mojo Jojo’s charge… who was absent during our first pig sty rehabilitation day. Yesterday morning, I gave him a lengthy briefing to get that simian delinquent up to pace with all the new ground rules and whatnots, and he started to work on it right away.

But came afternoon, I saw Mojo Jojo loitering around the lab doing idle chats and scratching his balls… and before long, he ambled over to tell me something…

Mojo Jojo: “Michael, my boss wants me to stop all the lab cleaning chores you asked me to do and ordered me to clear off my outstanding work first… So, I’ll have to delay the chores for a later time”

Me: “Whatever. Just remember to do it once you’re free of your obligations.”

Mojo Jojo: “I sure will, but it may be some time before that happens though… I’ve got lots of stuff to do”

Me: “No shit sherlock, I can see that you’re so busy loafing and chatting around. Just like what you’re doing now, you could have used the time to do some real work instead of talking to me…”

Mojo Jojo: “Oh man, I was just being nice… by talking to you”

Me: “Well, maybe you don’t know this but, I actually don’t really fancy talking to you… so why don’t you save the effort, shut the fuck up and go do some work instead?”

Mojo Jojo: “Alright, alright… you don’t have to be so mean…”

You know, it’s ironic how some people keep whining about their sorry state of being overworked, underachieved, bla bla blaa… while they could have, in fact, make full use of the time they waste dicking around doing redundant stuff…

Last I checked post 24 hours later, Mojo Jojo was still surfing some news site and his area was pretty much left untouched. What a hopeless piece of fucking shit.