There is this lady manager in Company X, known for her fiery temper and assiduous characteristics. She excels in her work, is objective driven and is very well liked by the top management. Hell, she was even given a personalized epithet by our western counterparts - ‘The Bitch Tigress of the Orient’. Now this ‘Bitch Tigress’ might seem successful in her career and stuff, but there is one side of her that does not seem to complement the success well. Her looks.

Yes, her looks. She is still a spinster for that very obvious reason. She is so frigging ugly that if it wasn’t for the laws of physics, we all would have been petrified by her presence alone. When she’s around, flowers would wither, food would turn bad and small animals would die. She is one hell of a cursed motherfucking creature walking on Earth for reasons unknown to mortal men.

A couple days ago, I was unfortunate enough to be spotted by ‘Bitch Tigress’, when I was whacking my lunch alone at the Company X cafeteria. She was by herself, and was probably looking for a company to chat or something but, I was unlucky enough to be in proximity. She asked if she could join me in my table… I so wanted to ask her to fuck off and leave me alone, but I couldn’t. That was because in the corporate world, we are all bound by this invisible force of courteousness (alright, I was fucking scared of her), so I said yes, why not, she can certainly join me. But I knew I was in for a really difficult time.

She attempted to chat up, but I would just give her the same standard “yeah?” and “Yeah” reply. I wasn’t really into it because I just wanted to finish my food fast and get the fuck out of there. But for some strange reason, it became quite an uphill task. Every spoonful of my rice tasted just weirder and weirder - until I finally realized that it was so because the beef patty on my plate was spoilt (see ‘food would turn bad’ above). Mein Gott Himmel!!

And that was when I also noticed that the ‘Bitch Tigress’ was eating like a pig. She had food spilling over the edge of her plate and also from her mouth. In fact, there was a grain of rice stuck right above her upper lip while she happily munched her fried chicken boisterously. It was distracting. The piece of rice seems to have a life of its own, like it was trying to climb up from her upper lip into her nostril for a cave spelunking adventure. I was thinking of whether to tell her about that grain of rogue rice, but a part of me wanted to see if it actually would made it all the way up into her fucking nose so… Anyway, it didn’t. It eventually flew out together with the rest of the projectiles from her mouth during her eloquent speech.

The whole episode lasted a little less than 10 minutes before I took a hasty leave, but I have to admit, it was the longest of 10 disturbing minutes for me, for I have never seen such an utter female slob in my life before. I mean, how could a female be at such unrefined state that would disgust even a guy?

You might say that it’s impossible but, I have met such person before - ‘The Bitch Tigress of the Orient’.

Leave me your contact if she’s your type.

Our work group was recently criticized by a visiting gweilo VIP, that our lab looked like a pig sty more than a proper workplace. The boss wanted us to do something about it.

Because I am the most awesome amongst the lot, I was put in charge to overlook the image expiation effort by the boss. Without delay, I managed to get the whole 5s shebang started last Friday with a kickoff brainstorming event and got some actions logged. By Monday, everything started to look really splendid, except for our subsidiary smaller lab under Mojo Jojo’s charge… who was absent during our first pig sty rehabilitation day. Yesterday morning, I gave him a lengthy briefing to get that simian delinquent up to pace with all the new ground rules and whatnots, and he started to work on it right away.

But came afternoon, I saw Mojo Jojo loitering around the lab doing idle chats and scratching his balls… and before long, he ambled over to tell me something…

Mojo Jojo: “Michael, my boss wants me to stop all the lab cleaning chores you asked me to do and ordered me to clear off my outstanding work first… So, I’ll have to delay the chores for a later time”

Me: “Whatever. Just remember to do it once you’re free of your obligations.”

Mojo Jojo: “I sure will, but it may be some time before that happens though… I’ve got lots of stuff to do”

Me: “No shit sherlock, I can see that you’re so busy loafing and chatting around. Just like what you’re doing now, you could have used the time to do some real work instead of talking to me…”

Mojo Jojo: “Oh man, I was just being nice… by talking to you”

Me: “Well, maybe you don’t know this but, I actually don’t really fancy talking to you… so why don’t you save the effort, shut the fuck up and go do some work instead?”

Mojo Jojo: “Alright, alright… you don’t have to be so mean…”

You know, it’s ironic how some people keep whining about their sorry state of being overworked, underachieved, bla bla blaa… while they could have, in fact, make full use of the time they waste dicking around doing redundant stuff…

Last I checked post 24 hours later, Mojo Jojo was still surfing some news site and his area was pretty much left untouched. What a hopeless piece of fucking shit.

I was having my tea break with a bunch of colleagues at our workplace cafeteria, when we were joined by this distant workmate of our’s. A lady in her late 20’s, with acceptable looks, decent garbs, mild manners and shit, she was considered an alright person by many, including myself… though I don’t really know her well. My acquaintance with her can be best described as ‘the nodding workmate’ - our interactions are limited to nods and smiles on the corridor, and an occasional exchange of feel good ‘hi’.

Anyway, we were about to leave the cafeteria when that lady colleague came along and joined us. Not wanting to be rude, we kinda stayed on, at least until she finishes her coffee. Office courtesy, you know… So, we continued with our chats while waiting for her to finish whatever she was having, but about a couple minutes later, I caught something evil from her direction (she was seated right next to me). It was the odor of heavy perspiration. Like a Bangla’s, wasabi strong. I was at the verge of having an uncontrollable fit and was choking for air.

A quick moment of realization - because the smell wasn’t there before, I duly assumed that the source had to be from her. And sure enough, my suspicion was confirmed when she lifted her arms from getting too animated in a conversation, the odor proportionally grew and hit my nose like a train… almost making me keel over. I was like, oh my fucking godddd, and was about neurons of reflex away from abandoning the fucking table… you know, lest I’d get a brain damage or something, but I didn’t. I’m smart enough to know, that pissing someone off is always not a good thing to do. It is little things like this - being discourteous to strangers - that always fuck you in return in the future without you realizing it. It’s an unfair game that we all have to play. In this situation, the best available option is to stay, whiff her BO if I must, just so to not break any bridge and avert a possible risk of ruining my career in the future…

So I had no choice but to stay, with a few spontaneous countermeasures to mitigate the peril of being there. First, I soft kicked my chair to inch as far away from her. The bigger the distance between us, the less intense was her armpit odor for me. Second, I tried to hold my coffee mug as close to my nose as possible. You know, the aroma of coffee can mask almost any stench (which is true). Third, I refrained myself from participating in any of the conversation, lest she’d get excited and stayed longer.

And the plan worked. I managed to live through the entire ordeal with minimal effects. The last I checked myself, I still can move the computer mouse with no less dexterity and I didn’t have drool flowing out from the corner of my mouth… what a close call… but I might not be so lucky next time. It’s all for the career and a sad day for a man.

Leave me alone…

(Fuck, I think I’m gonna leave a phantom note on that lady’s desk sometime, to tell her that she should fucking get her stinking armpits amputated… GODDAMNN)

The Prime Minister reminded his cabinet members not to espouse corruption yesterday.

That had me thinking like, wow, what a great Prime Minister he is. I mean, had he not given the advice [not to be corrupted], mannn those kids at the cabinet probably won’t realize that corruption is a baddd baddd thing to do.

And the Malaysian public gets to see how much of these ‘lost’ kids found their way, having seen them reciprocating gratitudes (aptly titled: ‘PM’s reminder a timely one‘) in the mainstream media today . Here are some excerpts from the article for your reading convenience :

We were reminded not to be arrogant and be pre-occupied with having flashy cars and huge mansions. This reminder gives a deep meaning to new ministers like me who have been given the trust to ensure that government policies and allocations are well spent to benefit the people,” - Entrepreneur and Co-operative Development Minister Datuk Noh Omar

So this Noh guy initially had a plan, until the Prime Minister gives him the mandate that he is to be a good person, not a villain. And thus, his destiny changed. His motto now is ‘Serve the people, serve the people. Quit dicking around, quit dicking around’.

This is the best advice ever given by the Prime Minister - Youth and Sports Minister Datuk Ismail Sabri Yaakob

This advice goes even deeper for Ismail here. He felt that this is the ‘best advice EVARRR’ given by the Prime Minister. EVARRRR - as implicated in the statement, is not to be taken lightly, people. The expression ‘EVARRRR’, can only be used in situations that requires extreme caution, and you’re ill prepared to impress. Hence, this one word drastic solution. Eg of usage: Your wife tries out a new recipe and asks if you like it. Your life hanging in balance and not knowing what to say, you do the ‘EVARRR’ countermeasure - “Honey, this is the best dinner EVARRRR!”

I wonder why the PM didn’t give this advice earlier, you know? So that everything can be avoided in the first place and those numb nuts wouldn’t have siphoned money for themselves and wasted so much oxygen… But then, this Syed guy kinda answered it…

Abdullah had given the same advice before but this time it was most appropriate - Home Minister Datuk Seri Syed Hamid Albar

Syed said this time, they will listen because of the setback they had in the recent general election. That means, had they won the election, they would have continued with their ways to be a bunch of corrupted dickheads. Ergo, the big lost they had was a blessing in disguise… and the PM’s advice came timely as an enlightenment. Slow but, still effective. What a revelation.

It’s a national service and we must all be willing to work hard - Rural and Regional Development Minister Tan Sri Muhammad Muhammad Taib

Oh yeah man. He’s trying to tell everyone that being a minister, isn’t about sitting around in the office and surf porn all the time. It’s about ‘willing to work hard’ and serve the nation. He hasn’t been very articulate but, you get the idea. And I myself probably wouldn’t have known that without him telling me. “Being a minister is a national service and is all about working hard” - maannnn, what a classic.

kum bachur atzel ve’tze la’avoda

Work was light today, so I spent some time to compile a list of ‘top 5 types of girls that fucking turn me off’. The list is not in particular order (but they’re all as equally detestable to me as a maggot infested piece of shit…)

- girls who think they’re tough just because they’ve been fucked by gangsters before.
I’ve met girls like that. Dissembling around like they’re some tough bitch, just because they’ve been slammed by numerous scumbags. They’ll quote their dramatic pasts (mostly exaggerated) literally in every conversation, and would take every opportunity to lead her pack of friends to be critical at virtually anything she finds unsatisfactory. Eg. blaming every guy on this planet for everything.
If you’re one of these people, I have one message for you - GO FUCK YOURSELF! Experience and wisdom do not transfer through cum, and especially not from scumbags, thugs and hoodlums. You’re just another bitch who had sucked a lot of filthy dicks and took some pounding at your poontang… and THAT won’t make you any tougher or smarter.

- girls who think they can disguise themselves as a guy by dressing up as a guy, talk like a guy and act unrealistically tough.
As much as I dislike effeminate blokes, I hate girls that act tough just because they can’t stop telling the whole world that she’s a fucking tomboy. I tell you what, fitches, you’re still a twat no matter how well you can concoct an act or dress up like a guy. We see through you and you’re fucking detestable. I once saw an unmistakable bitch who wore a leather jacket sported with a heavily gelled or waxed crew cut. She talked loudly in her best impression of what resembled a guttural deep voice, which sounded kind of weird to me (I could hear her at the restaurant because she was so annoyingly loud), with her legs up on the chair and all that. The funny thing was, she had these huge motherfucking tits and failed miserably at hiding them, and she was about 4 feet something in height. WHAT THE FUCK INDEED! How I wished I could turkey slap her with my schlong and let that fucking poser know what substance does it take to become a real guy…
Real tomboys don’t act up stuff like that. They dress up decently, have high self esteem and make full use of their education to be a refined person they ought to be. (hint: being a guy is not about the fucking attitude, bitch.)

- girls who can’t get enough of taking pictures and taking pictures only
It is ok if one is obsessed with taking pictures. I’m obsessed with taking pictures myself too. But not over-obsessed like crazy, you know what I mean? What do you make of a person who takes picture at basically everything? A fucking annoying cunt. I was unfortunate enough to get acquainted with such an individual before. The bitch would take pictures of everything she happens to come across - amenities, static objects like phone booths and potted plants, stray animals, everything that moves or doesn’t. A casual outing to the restaurant would yield her an SD card full of digital pictures. If you talk to her, she’s gonna take a picture of you talking. If she is in the scene of a bank robbery, she’d be too busy to mind her own safety because she’d be snapping pictures away. It was like, the cunt’s trying to document every fucking second of her pathetic life with that darn digital camera.
You just can’t enjoy having people like that as company, be it a friend or a lover. Having them around would be annoying and uncomfortable, because they would make everything so unnaturally not enjoyable… People like them deserve to have stones in their kidneys.

- girls who wear that smug label for whatever reason
Girls who think that the world is a stage with the spotlights on them, who don’t believe in diplomacy, who think that they have the biggest pussy in the universe, etc. Their needs are always accompanied with the inclination of clinging to their rich and glamorous friends, or people whom they think can yield them some extra attention. If not visiting a pedicure/manicure/fuckingcure parlor, they are usually found hanging out at upmarket cafés and bistros just for the sake of being seen there (whilst their financial being might not be that flexible for that kind of lifestyle). I encountered many of them before and I tell you, they come from all walks of life. From bona fide high level execs to phony over-the-counter service clerks. They’re like a disease, that feeds on the sheer pleasure of treating other people like crap and being a self absorbing cockblock. Usually, karma would have it that they’d get disproportionately laden with cellulite in the postnatal stage when they get to have their own family (if they ever get to have one), which would then likely make them suffer an advanced stage of depression and eventually fucking commit a suicide by swallowing a few dozen bottles of contraband slimming pills…

- girls who can’t get over a failed relationship and cause a nuisance
I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of tales about deals gone bad in a break up episode. Seemingly normal girls who can’t take the failure of a relationship well and end up transforming into a walking disaster. A friend of mine once dumped his then girlfriend, only to have her hounding him at his phone every frigging night. That crazy bitch even told him on the phone that she has terminal stage cancer and is about to die - just so that my friend would come out to meet her for one final time. (which of course my friend did not. The bitch was probably plotting to stab him or something). Bizarre is the word, I know, but my point is, these people are the type of girls that would do anything to prevent the relationship from ending. From being a sore loser, to being a nuisance. And they usually contradict their own fucking attitude prior breakup - they did nothing to make the relationship work, but would do ANYTHING drastic to stop it from ending. From spreading lies and rumors, to spoiling others’ relationships… they’re like a drowning flea-bag, that would pull anyone that happens to come close enough into the water with them. Cheap and desperate. Totally despicable.
Thank god I never hooked with such wretched creatures before. It’ll be a traumatic experience.

*****

I wonder why God wants to have these people around. Man he could have created more cockroaches I don’t fucking care. But why them? Sheesh.