I have been thinking today - oh how I hated Chinese fucking New Year. If it is about something, it has to be about spending money unnecessarily. The projected damage that Emily and I are getting this year, stands menacingly at about 700 bucks. Small amount, but considering the fact that they are to be spent for NOTHING, it’s a motherfucking lot of money. You see, most of the time, they are given away to obnoxious kids whom we hardly meet or particularly fond of. And those kids, would wish nothing of you except to bilk you off your money. They don’t really care if you’re his father’s cousin or that uncle who once saved the family dog’s life. They just want that red thing in your hand, and then you can disappear for all they care.

So, what’s the fucking point man? Where’s the love bebeh? If you were to ask me, I’d say I would rather spend those hard earned money on something that I feel worthy, like my daughter’s expensive formula (which costs about 100 over bucks per jumbo can - cheebyeee!)… or some exotic lens filters which I’ve been abstaining from getting for myself. But the custom dictates otherwise, and whoever that came up with the idea of distributing money to bribe ourselves some friends and relationships, ought to be hung and shot.

If this is all for turning the gaiety event up a notch, why can’t they have candies instead? Kids would go nuts for candies. Just like Halloween. They can dress themselves up or do funny things to amuse us, and based on their performance, we arbitrarily decide how many Tic Tacs to be dispatched on that those little tykes’ palms. Or maybe, we can judge them based on their final exam at school. Those that got good results, candies for them. Those that failed any subjects, will have to hoover that little green bug from grandma’s lawn there. (Come on, it’ll be fun)

If they’re too piss scared to eat little green bugs, well then, stay the fuck away from Uncle Michael! (And leave me a little peace).

No pain, no gain - kids should learn about that from young to better prepare them to face the bitterness of reality. But until that idea gets popular, perhaps I should think of a way to avoid this… like maybe, go for a vacation or something.

Yeah, I’m so gonna do that someday.

To those of you who have been following my blog since 2004, you should know what this is all about. Exotic names from China. That is, people from China who adopted Christian names for themselves. Here are the new ones I spotted from one of the directories (the surname was changed to default ‘Liu’ to preserve the anonymity of the individuals.)

Mango Liu –> I’ve seen a lot of these Chinese folks naming themselves after fruits. I wonder why…

Rainking Liu –> I bet this guy’s envisioning himself as one of the anime characters.

Rooter Liu –> It sounded like a cross between a rooster, and a hooker.

Runner Liu –> He makes a good office boy.

Cowit Liu –> A cow from IT department?

Jackal Liu –> Oooooo jackals are badasss.

Dream Liu –> Won’t make a good security guard

Mirinda Liu –> So, we’ve seen Fanta, and now Mirinda. What next? PowerRoot?

Ninja Liu –> An assassin without any disguise.

Simba Liu –> His dad is Mufasa, and his tagline is Hakuna Matata

Mouse Liu –> I wonder if his name was conceived from a real rodent, or that computer pointing device?

Donkey Liu –> Insult him, and he won’t have a choice to get mad “Hey Donkey! Come over here!”

Tree Liu –> He’s a little bit more than just a stump.

Mallet Liu –> Customized insult for him “Hey Mallet, you’re a tool”…

Babble Liu –> Gives the phrase ‘that babbling bitch’ a whole new meaning

Child Liu –> You can’t blame him for anything, coz he’s just a child. Wicked.

Jump Liu –> His brothers are Squat, Crouch and Teabag

Double Liu –> Imagine this “Hi, my name’s Double, and I’m still single”

Six Liu –> He’s probably the sixth kid in the family. You can guess the rest of his siblings’ names.

Jungle Liu –> You’d get malaria by just talking to him.

Flying Liu –> Otherwise known as ‘chasing the dragon’.

Alehandoo Liu –> A friend told me it was an alternate spelling for ‘ada hantu’.

Catbean Liu –> I wonder what’s a cat-bean. Cat’s testicles? Shouldn’t that be called ‘cat nuts’? Or ‘cat balls’?

Euphemia Liu –> Wow, that’s sophisticated man.

Yoyo Liu –> This is a name usually adopted by cats.

Polar Liu –> As long as he’s not bipolar… he should be fit to work.

Iceblue Liu –> You can tell from his name, that he’s trying to be cool.

Auditor Liu –> This is the motherfucker of all bizarre names. Who in their right mind calls himself an auditor?

and some other miscellaneous names that are totally bizarre and sounds so fucking out of place:

Njula, Sicaty, Karolar, Mumu, Setuis, Beank, Slook, Lalasa

Sounds like a bunch of space aliens that are bidding to take over our planet, don’t they? But these are real people who works in my company. As you can probably tell from the current and past lists, these engineers and executives from China know no boundary when it comes to naming themselves. They’d call themselves ANYTHING, just to get things going. And we still have a long way to go to achieve that standard… I have to give it to them man… like, totally.

*****
related entries:
Exotic names I
Exotic names II
Exotic names III

Super license (to race at a Formula 1 circuit).
A term coined by one of the BODs to describe the act of obtaining permission from their significant half, to have a private all-guys night out to romp at pubs.

For the past week, we’ve been talking about applying for a super license this weekend for a drink. But one of my buddies suddenly send out an email saying that he’s pulling out of the ‘race’. I messaged to check him out:

MichaelOoi: “Pull out of the race? What happened lah?”

Friend: “kanneh… dunno who go n tell my wife… i haven’t apply for the license yet…”

MichaelOoi: “So your wife ok? Or not ok?”

Friend: “of course not okay la…”

MichaelOoi: “i think your wife is an understanding person. She definitely will give you the license lar… don’t worry”

Friend: “she is, but i dun feel good la..”

MichaelOoi: “well, you will feel good after a couple of drinks…” [oh yeah bebeh]

Friend: “nvm la… i already decided to stay at home…”

MichaelOoi: “alright then, we’ll drink on behalf of you. I already got my super license.”

Friend: “yeah… u guys enjoy…”

I salute my fallen comrade for being such a loving husband and father. I know he’s just fulfilling his duties as a responsible man. If it’s not him this weekend, it’s gonna be me or any of the guys in the frat.

People, that’s life after marriage. Everything that you want to do, will have repercussions like a ripple in a pool of calm water. Many years ago, when the BODs wanted to go anywhere, we’d just plod our asses there. No second thoughts. Like a wall of tsunami… we basically stop at nothing.

Now, at 30, everything’s so different. I wonder what the future holds for us when we’re 40… get a lawyer to bail us out just to get a couple of drinks? Fuck. I so frigging pine for the old times.

A Chinese lady approached me while I was having lunch with a friend. She was carrying a child of about 2 years old, and uttered something to me in Mandarin. She then whips out a page of newspaper with a couple pictures of her and that child in it, which was also in Chinese, and tried to elaborate more.

Since I was unable to understand a thing she said, I asked my friend what was it all about… since he was more Chinese literate than I am. I initially thought that lady was just one of those ubiquitous loafer that goes around asking for donations for some pseudo charity work, but the child that she had with her was making me feel otherwise…

My friend then looked at me, wearing this serious look and said
“She said her child was born without an anus…”

Just at the same time, the lady lifted her child’s shirt to reveal a colostomy, with a disposable pouch hanging off the child’s abs. A pang of emotion suddenly swept over me upon learning about that child’s misfortune. My late grandmother had one before, and I know exactly what the child has to go through with that… But for somebody that young to be having such a thing, it must be even more difficult.

I can imagine how the kid’s not so going to have a normal childhood. He will not get to mix around with his friends without having to worry about overflowing his pouch… He wouldn’t be able to do a lot of things. And most certainly, it will be a lot of pain for his parents. (It’s painful enough for me to see him like this, and it will be even more for his own parents.) Like, what had he done to deserve such a fate? He did nothing. He was just unfortunate to be born like this.

I didn’t know what I could do other than to help the lady in her cause to get her child better, which in my limited understanding of her language, is to get her child an operation or something - so I whipped out a 10 ringgit note (that was about the biggest note I had in my wallet then…) and gave it to the lady. My friend himself whipped another for her. Though it wasn’t much, I could tell that she was very grateful and repeatedly thanked us.

Just before she left to approach another table, I took the initiative to say something to her (in shitty Mandarin…)

“Lady, you know… you should have left your child at the comfort of home with somebody… It’s difficult enough for him to be in this condition… it’ll be even more difficult for him to go around under the heat and all that discomfort…”
(I don’t know how I did it but, I somehow managed to get the message across)

The lady then replied…
“If I do not bring him along, people wouldn’t have believed me and my efforts would have been in vain…”

She was right. Had she been going around by herself, everyone would have thought that she’s a fake, like what I almost did prior checking with my friend.

The incident got me thinking, what a strange and ironic world that we’re living in. Here you have somebody who walks all around asking for spare change to fix her sick child, and there you have perfectly healthy people wanting to end their lives over some failed relationships. If there’s indeed God in this world, he surely is an odd bastard.

(and why are our leaders worrying about buying expensive fighter jets that aren’t going to serve in any war, while hundreds (possibly thousands) of unfortunate victims of fate have to beg on the streets for a better life?)

I was having lunch at a Taiwanese food outlet the other day with Regine and Emily at a local hypermart, when I noticed a guy park his 2 carts full of groceries by the side and came walking in. I noticed him because he kinda looked smack dab like Jimmy Choo… only with a mullet and a pair of mutton chops (which I initially thought I knew him from somewhere, wtf). I thought he was all alone until his wife yelled like a skanky motherfucking bitch behind him.

“ERICCC!!”

Eric answered his wife’s rather agitated call with a perturbed look. His white blonde middle aged and somehow emaciated wife, whose face is prematurely riddled with wrinkles of surface area big enough to cover a rugby field… was upset and refuse to step into the outlet. The way she was so loud like that, I almost mistaken that she must have broken one side of her pelvic bone or something… but then, that didn’t happen to be the case…

“ERICCC! THE FLIES! THERE ARE FLIES HERE!”

Well, there were indeed a couple of fucking flies hanging out at a nearby table. Nothing to be alarmed of. At least not enough to warrant for such a magnitude of screaming in public like that. Eric looked on at his wife, deeply concerned on her fucked up demeanor. Like, there ARE actually people eating in there! She could at least show some respect and bitch in private, see? But hell no. She somehow had to act like a bitch over a couple of flies… I feel bad for Eric for having such a fucked up fuck partner (or worse, wife)

“ERICCC! I CAN SEE FLIES!”

Yeah, as if Eric couldn’t differentiate between a housefly and her glob of dehydrated clitoris. If I was Eric, I would have asked her to kill herself just to make this world a better place. But Eric was more composed than I am, so he didn’t do that. He just acknowledged her bitching with a nonchalant cold stare. The hag sorta felt the sting up in her pride when she realized she was doing a monologue all by herself, and decided to get louder. This time, she tried to make sure that everyone in that outlet understands her (and perhaps show her some support by torching up the place or something) - by creatively adding multiple postdeterminers to her already plural noun (as if none of us Malaysians understand English…)

“I SEE FLIES! MANY MANY FLIES! THERE ARE MANY MANY FLIES IN HERE!”

She was starting to get really annoying and was putting a stretched test on Eric’s shit. But Eric stayed put through the whole trial and remained consistently composed. He just sent her this really mean glower and telepathic message combo (yeah it was so cool that I can read it all) - “YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME WOMAN! Just shut the fuck up before I lose my temper and shove that cart full of groceries up your uterus!!”… And then he sealed it off with a simple remark (the only thing he ever uttered) - “Just get in here”, which she servilely complied without another word… and ate in harmony with the same company of flies romping on the table next to their’s.

The uber coolness.

I could have given Eric the ‘Man of the Century’ title, but then I’ll have to discredit him for hooking up with such a tragic white hag with stinking attitude in the first place - so he just got the next best thing that I can give instead - just ‘Man of the Year’

Seeing this from the positive angle, I can only imagine - what if all the male species in this world have this special ability to hush up rampaging bitch skanks like Eric, wouldn’t it be awesome? The world would definitely be a much better place without all the unnecessary domestic violence. Like, that guy can just do it with a glower… he was like, in total control of the situation man.

So, my salute to the Man of the Year - Eric, the purveyor of hope in hopeless situation. (we could really use talents like this to negotiate with those terrorists holding people hostage, you know what I mean?)