I was buying lunch the other day and I noticed that the guy who was frying my noodles, had a long fingernail grown on his pinkie. It was greenish hue in color and was filled with enough filth to make a worm a very happy invertebrate. Definitely wasn’t a very comforting sight. That prompted me to think, why do people want to grow long fingernails on their pinkies? If you’ve been observant enough, you’d notice that a lot of these people (with long fingernails on their pinkies) are usually Chinese blokes. Most of them rustic and old.

Now, why is that? Some said it is some kind of a symbol to mark the wealth and status of a person. In the old days, if one is rich and wealthy, he’d have the luxury to keep long fingernails - to let others know that he is an elite and doesn’t have to work hard. Or something like. But that’s a bit of a far fetched theory ain’t it? The guy I saw, fries noodle for a living. If he’s rich, he’d be all dressed up like a pimp somewhere else now, right? That must not be the main reason.

Then somebody told me that it is grown as a sign of seniority and wisdom. You know, the longer the fingernail on your pinkie is, the older and wiser you are? I think that is a bullshit too. I have a friend who used to grow a fucking long pinkie fingernail and he was just in his 20’s back then. It used to be his most prized attribute (for reasons unknown). His then girlfriend (now ex) once asked him to clip off the hideous fingernail, and he immediately dumped her without a second thought. He later quipped “She can ask me to stop boozing, cut my hair short or even ask me to behave like a wuss. But she would be too crazy to ask me cut my fingernail!” I think my friend’s case kinda nulled the hypothesis (side note to you control freak girls: Your boyfriend can give you a thousand romantic reasons on why he loves you, but only needs one incoherent reason to dump your fucking ass off his life)

Finally, the most popular one - as a convenient extension to clean your nose and ears. Quite… but, I don’t think this is entirely plausible either. Let’s be honest here, how many of you actually pick your nose with your pinkie? I don’t know but, not me. For me, the pinkie is not the best choice of finger to pick my nose. I usually use my index (size of finger is my least concern, because both my nostrils are expandable to the girth of my index). You see, picking a nose can be quite a complex maneuver and requires a certain level amount of dexterity. Therefore, I don’t think our pinkies are good enough to do this kind of job. I attest this with experience. There was once I tried to pick my nose with my pinkie (fortunately, trimmed), accidentally scraped one of the veins in my nostril and resulted a profuse nose bleed. I can only imagine how hazardous it would be to insert a pinkie with long fingernail into one’s nostril so, I don’t think that it is the main reason people growing long pinkie fingernails…

So, what is it? Why do people want to keep long fingernails on their pinkies? I still have no idea man. The only thing I know is, long pinkie fingernails were extremely popular amongst ancient Chinese eunuchs… (they probably used them to sexually stimulate their fake pundek, who knows…) That’s about as wretched as it can leave you to imagine the rest. Ergo, if Uncle Michael ever meet any guy with long pinkie fingernails, that guy’s definitely not gonna get to date his daughter Regine…

oh my fucking god i just saw a name called “Teh Lee Ling”. Do you guys know what that fucking means?? It means - Squeeze your tits - in Hokkien! I was laughing so hard, that my sphincter violently puckered and I almost had a stroke!

FUCK! I mean, what was that poor girl’s parents thinking lah? Knowing that their surname’s “Teh”, they should have refrained from using “Lee” for the middle name because it would naturally means “squeeze your…” as the prefix for the given name (a Chinese name typically has 3 parts, the family name at the front, followed by a middle and the actual given name). Any given name added to that “Teh Lee” would have sounded as absurd. Eg. “Teh Lee Lan” would mean squeeze your dick. “Teh Lee Pong” would mean squeeze your cooter. “Teh Lee Pah” would mean squeeze your balls. Goddamn.

So, be savvy. Don’t make the same mistake like Lee Ling’s (your tits’) parents. [wipes tears]
If you ever run out of idea on what to name your newborn, just grab any name off the characters in Star Wars, it would definitely still sound better than ‘Squeeze Your Tits’.

I made a phone call to Company X technical support hot line a few days ago, and was greeted by this douchebag who spoke super fucking fast in English…

“ThankyouforcallingCompanyXhowmayIhelpyou?”

That was the first line which I managed to grasp, but I was completely lost for the remaining of the conversation. I had to actually ask that douche some questions back to confirm what he said, and even that, I had to hard guess what he meant by spotting the ‘yes’ and ‘no’ along the torrent of high speed verbal machine gun.

And this wasn’t the first time I’ve encountered people like this douchebag here. I’ve met many fast food restaurant operators who spoke like that.

“GoodeveningsirhowmayIhelpyou?”
“Errr, one medium set of double cheese burger and a chocolate sundae please.”
“Havingheretakeawaychillyketchuppepsiorangestrawberry?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Havingheretakeawaychillyketchuppepsiorangestrawberry?”
“Errrmmm, having here, whatever”
“sirwehavefreecondomspromotionsifyouorderextrafriesblablablabla?”
[grabs operator and toss her head first into the kitchen]

Most of the time, I find these fast-speaking people incoherent - probably because the speed of their speech supersedes the time needed for their brain to think. Or perhaps, they have a brain too small to even think at all, and hence, the need to speak super ultra fast to confuse up the listener (I can’t think of a better explanation…)

I came across this piece of news today…

Source
Group protests visit by Chelsea’s Israeli duo
PUTRAJAYA: A coalition of 21 Islamic and Malay non-governmental organisations is protesting the visit of two Israelis who are part of the Chelsea English football team.

The group handed the Home Ministry a memorandum yesterday.

Its spokesman Mohd Azmi Abdul Hamid said that allowing entry to the Israelis would be in violation of the Government’s ban on the country’s citizens from entering Malaysia.

“The reason for the ban is to isolate Israel as a rogue state and to convey a message that it cannot have normal relations with other countries unless it recognises Palestine’s rights.

“If the footballers are allowed entry, the Government will be seen as being insensitive to the feelings of the Palestinians,” he said, adding that the NGOs would also like to remind the Government that Malaysia had previously been the Organisation of Islamic Conference (OIC) chairman.

Among the NGOs in the coalition were PAS, Muslim Youth Movement of Malaysia (Abim) and Muslim Consumers Association.

Chelsea, whose coach Avram Grant and midfielder Tal Ben Haim are Israeli citizens, and are set to play in Malaysia in July as part of their Asian summer tour.

Can you believe it? Makes you wonder, isn’t it? Like, haven’t these people got anything else better to do?

I have only one comment about these people who made this headline today - they’re nothing but a bunch of racists and losers that is a disgrace to our nation.

This is just soccer for fuck’s sake. Not something political. If they’re doing this (protest), then it would be akin to condoning the doctrine of associating every Muslim on the planet as ‘terrorist’. Now they wouldn’t like that, do they? But I doubt they’d want to be rational on this… they’re simply too ignorant to be able to think straight.

Fucking idiots.

In my recent work performance review, my boss told me that I am beginning to show some leadership skills, and it will be good for me to keep focus in that direction, to be able to advance to the management level… This is what he actually wrote in my review portfolio:

I see that Michael is turning into a more diplomatic and helpful person. He is encouraged to continue sharpen his soft skills in dealing with people and start to think as a [functional] member/leader to influence the WW team to achieve better results.

Well, I don’t really know why my boss thinks that I have the prospect to be part of the management level exec… because, to be honest here, the only 2 things I would enjoy if I imagine myself being a leader, would be:

a) the glamorous and handsome paycheck that comes with the post,
b) the thrill of yelling at my direct reports arbitrarily, oh that can be so fun.

But then, I guess that’s probably why he said I need to hone my soft skills of dealing with people to perfection first, which I think is loosely translated to - be kind to other people even though they’re assholes, and be more proactive in offering assistance to everyone, even if they don’t need it (just to look good). A little bit more practice is all I need. And I didn’t wait long to start an attempt to hone my skills… and it happened today…

The target was Milkboy, my lab technician, who came into the lab with a dejected look - after learning about the tragic news that he’s going to share a hotel room with the director at an outstation trip for a teambuilding event. So to say, he is fucked.

Now, on any given normal day, I wouldn’t have invested an iota of interest into anything to do with his private affair. But because I was determined to ‘hone my soft skills’, Milkboy’s doom kinda became an opportunity for me to shine. The ways of a leader, always lend a hand… So, I chose to give a fuck, and I gave him some helpful advice:

“Hey Milkboy.”
“Yeah”
“So you’re sharing the room with the director, eh?”
“…”
“You know, in case he touches you at night, remember not to scream, ok?”
“what the…”
“You can cry if you want, but just shed a teardrop or two in absolute silence. This can be a blessing in disguise. Your chance of skipping a few levels of promotion, which you’d definitely gonna need… you know what I mean?”
“!@#$%^&*”
“And I promise not to laugh if I happen to see you the next day running around like Jacky Chan…” [oh I'm sure you guys know how Jacky Chan runs...]

I think I did a great start. Caring for my peers, showing devotion, and helping them to cope with their problems. I think I’m gonna make a good leader, no shit… But I could still use some luck, so, wish me some if you’ve got any to spare…