oh my fucking god i just saw a name called “Teh Lee Ling”. Do you guys know what that fucking means?? It means - Squeeze your tits - in Hokkien! I was laughing so hard, that my sphincter violently puckered and I almost had a stroke!

FUCK! I mean, what was that poor girl’s parents thinking lah? Knowing that their surname’s “Teh”, they should have refrained from using “Lee” for the middle name because it would naturally means “squeeze your…” as the prefix for the given name (a Chinese name typically has 3 parts, the family name at the front, followed by a middle and the actual given name). Any given name added to that “Teh Lee” would have sounded as absurd. Eg. “Teh Lee Lan” would mean squeeze your dick. “Teh Lee Pong” would mean squeeze your cooter. “Teh Lee Pah” would mean squeeze your balls. Goddamn.

So, be savvy. Don’t make the same mistake like Lee Ling’s (your tits’) parents. [wipes tears]
If you ever run out of idea on what to name your newborn, just grab any name off the characters in Star Wars, it would definitely still sound better than ‘Squeeze Your Tits’.

I made a phone call to Company X technical support hot line a few days ago, and was greeted by this douchebag who spoke super fucking fast in English…

“ThankyouforcallingCompanyXhowmayIhelpyou?”

That was the first line which I managed to grasp, but I was completely lost for the remaining of the conversation. I had to actually ask that douche some questions back to confirm what he said, and even that, I had to hard guess what he meant by spotting the ‘yes’ and ‘no’ along the torrent of high speed verbal machine gun.

And this wasn’t the first time I’ve encountered people like this douchebag here. I’ve met many fast food restaurant operators who spoke like that.

“GoodeveningsirhowmayIhelpyou?”
“Errr, one medium set of double cheese burger and a chocolate sundae please.”
“Havingheretakeawaychillyketchuppepsiorangestrawberry?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Havingheretakeawaychillyketchuppepsiorangestrawberry?”
“Errrmmm, having here, whatever”
“sirwehavefreecondomspromotionsifyouorderextrafriesblablablabla?”
[grabs operator and toss her head first into the kitchen]

Most of the time, I find these fast-speaking people incoherent - probably because the speed of their speech supersedes the time needed for their brain to think. Or perhaps, they have a brain too small to even think at all, and hence, the need to speak super ultra fast to confuse up the listener (I can’t think of a better explanation…)

I came across this piece of news today…

Source
Group protests visit by Chelsea’s Israeli duo
PUTRAJAYA: A coalition of 21 Islamic and Malay non-governmental organisations is protesting the visit of two Israelis who are part of the Chelsea English football team.

The group handed the Home Ministry a memorandum yesterday.

Its spokesman Mohd Azmi Abdul Hamid said that allowing entry to the Israelis would be in violation of the Government’s ban on the country’s citizens from entering Malaysia.

“The reason for the ban is to isolate Israel as a rogue state and to convey a message that it cannot have normal relations with other countries unless it recognises Palestine’s rights.

“If the footballers are allowed entry, the Government will be seen as being insensitive to the feelings of the Palestinians,” he said, adding that the NGOs would also like to remind the Government that Malaysia had previously been the Organisation of Islamic Conference (OIC) chairman.

Among the NGOs in the coalition were PAS, Muslim Youth Movement of Malaysia (Abim) and Muslim Consumers Association.

Chelsea, whose coach Avram Grant and midfielder Tal Ben Haim are Israeli citizens, and are set to play in Malaysia in July as part of their Asian summer tour.

Can you believe it? Makes you wonder, isn’t it? Like, haven’t these people got anything else better to do?

I have only one comment about these people who made this headline today - they’re nothing but a bunch of racists and losers that is a disgrace to our nation.

This is just soccer for fuck’s sake. Not something political. If they’re doing this (protest), then it would be akin to condoning the doctrine of associating every Muslim on the planet as ‘terrorist’. Now they wouldn’t like that, do they? But I doubt they’d want to be rational on this… they’re simply too ignorant to be able to think straight.

Fucking idiots.

In my recent work performance review, my boss told me that I am beginning to show some leadership skills, and it will be good for me to keep focus in that direction, to be able to advance to the management level… This is what he actually wrote in my review portfolio:

I see that Michael is turning into a more diplomatic and helpful person. He is encouraged to continue sharpen his soft skills in dealing with people and start to think as a [functional] member/leader to influence the WW team to achieve better results.

Well, I don’t really know why my boss thinks that I have the prospect to be part of the management level exec… because, to be honest here, the only 2 things I would enjoy if I imagine myself being a leader, would be:

a) the glamorous and handsome paycheck that comes with the post,
b) the thrill of yelling at my direct reports arbitrarily, oh that can be so fun.

But then, I guess that’s probably why he said I need to hone my soft skills of dealing with people to perfection first, which I think is loosely translated to - be kind to other people even though they’re assholes, and be more proactive in offering assistance to everyone, even if they don’t need it (just to look good). A little bit more practice is all I need. And I didn’t wait long to start an attempt to hone my skills… and it happened today…

The target was Milkboy, my lab technician, who came into the lab with a dejected look - after learning about the tragic news that he’s going to share a hotel room with the director at an outstation trip for a teambuilding event. So to say, he is fucked.

Now, on any given normal day, I wouldn’t have invested an iota of interest into anything to do with his private affair. But because I was determined to ‘hone my soft skills’, Milkboy’s doom kinda became an opportunity for me to shine. The ways of a leader, always lend a hand… So, I chose to give a fuck, and I gave him some helpful advice:

“Hey Milkboy.”
“Yeah”
“So you’re sharing the room with the director, eh?”
“…”
“You know, in case he touches you at night, remember not to scream, ok?”
“what the…”
“You can cry if you want, but just shed a teardrop or two in absolute silence. This can be a blessing in disguise. Your chance of skipping a few levels of promotion, which you’d definitely gonna need… you know what I mean?”
“!@#$%^&*”
“And I promise not to laugh if I happen to see you the next day running around like Jacky Chan…” [oh I'm sure you guys know how Jacky Chan runs...]

I think I did a great start. Caring for my peers, showing devotion, and helping them to cope with their problems. I think I’m gonna make a good leader, no shit… But I could still use some luck, so, wish me some if you’ve got any to spare…

Emily was hearing her housewife colleagues meting out each other’s glorious moments in their respective domestic quarrels in an automobile, when it came to her turn to tell her story. When my wife told them that she and I would usually go quiet after each quarrel inside the car, it garnered quite a reaction from the bunch.

I don’t exactly have the details, but I can imagine it go like this, “What? You’d just keep quiet?? No… girl, that will be too easy for your husband”.

I am not sure if this was for the good or bad, but it seems that they have their own idea of how to react each time they have a quarrel with their husband. From what I understand through Emily’s description, the reaction must possess following characteristics:

1) it must be something out of ordinary.
2) it must have the ’shock and awe’ element.
3) it must be done with style and glamor.
4) it must not be easy on your husband.

I then asked, “So what is it?”. I was thinking of something like jumping out of the car window and roll on the tarmac like a Hindustan stuntman (or in this case, stuntwoman), which kinda fulfilled the 4 big important criterias above, but it wasn’t.

Emily replied - “2 of them did this before - they actually asked their husband to stop the car, got out of the vehicle in a dramatic fashion and attempted to walk home.”

o_O”

My reaction - “That was fucking dumb.”

But surprisingly, their plan actually worked. It so happens that their husbands did go after them and wheedled them back into the vehicle, bloating them with pride and self confidence. And that was why, I reckon, the ladies failed to spot anything wrong with their acts.

“If it were to be me, dear, you can best bet your ass that I won’t come back after you. You can walk home sweltering under that hot sun, for all I care. I’m gonna go ahead and drive myself the fuck home.”

“You’re a heartless fucker. How could you do that??”

“If you look at it this way, I’m just fulfilling your wish of not wanting to be with me. Who knows, maybe you needed that moment alone to walk long distance home and cool off. If you don’t want to walk home, then don’t ask for it.”

“Maybe I should ask you to get out of the vehicle instead, and I DRIVE HOME.”

“Fine for me. I just need to make a couple of phone calls and I’d be spending the rest of the day happy-houring with my buddies at our regular pub in no time.”

“…”

Maybe we guys take things easier than the ladies. I don’t see the logic of doing things like that to your spouse. I for one, would definitely never do that. Threatening to walk home to force the situation in favor of you isn’t right. That is just spastic.

Going quiet is the best you can do if you have a quarrel inside a car. Mitigate the damage. Avert yourself from further confrontation lest you’d say something you might regret. Walking home alone on a highway can be very dangerous. You risks yourself of getting kidnapped by sex fiends, gang raped by rabid dogs or worse, run over by a garbage truck. It’s just not worth it. (well, unless you enjoy it…)