Archive for the ‘nonsense’ Category

July 19, 2006

brazilname

If I were to play for Brazil, what would my name be?

And I would not headbutt when I’m angry. I’m gonna plant my boots on the person’s face instead.

click here to get your own Brazillian jersey

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
March 30, 2006

Informasi mengenai Selsema Burung

1) Apakah itu selsema burung?
– Selsema burung ialah sejenis penyakit selsema yang menjangkit burung atau binatang yang berkepak (tidak termasuk pad penyerap haid wanita).
– Ia disebabkan oleh beberapa jenis virus selsema, tapi hanya virus yang tertentu sahaja yang merbahaya kepada manusia – antaranya ialah virus dibawah gabungan protein H5 dan N1, atau lebih dikenali sebagai – H5N1 virus.

2) Apakah gejala-gejala selsema burung pada manusia?
– demam, batuk, sakit otot, lari hidung, sakit tekak, sakit kotek, mati pucuk
– jangkitan pada mata, susah bernafas, skrin komputer bertukar biru secara spontan

3) Bagaimana selsema burung menjangkiti manusia?
– perhubungan seks secara rambang dengan burung-burung yang dijangkiti
– pendedahan kepada bendalir badan burung yang dijangkiti… seperti ludah, air mani ataupun tahi
– jangkitan diantara manusia adalah jarang, akan tetapi, ia merupakan risiko yang belum disahkan oleh bukti saintifik.

4) Apakah yang boleh anda buat untuk mencegah daripada dijangkiti selsema burung?
– elakkan diri daripada melawat reban ayam ataupun rumah burung
– elakkan diri daripada melakukan sebarang hubungan seks dengan ayam atau burung (cuba kambing ataupun anjing sebagai alternatif)
– sekiranya hendakkan burung juga, pastikan pakai kondom dan baju hujan. (ayam/burung yang sudah dimasak/digoreng = tiada masalah)
– elakkan diri daripada mencium atau menjilat burung/ayam (yang hidup ataupun belum masak)
– elakkan diri daripada memakan tahi burung/ayam (hidup atau mati)
– elakkan diri daripada berkongsi jarum dadah (ataupun sebarangan) dengan burung/ayam
– kuatkan imun badan anda dengan mengamalkan cara hidup yang lebih sihat – seperti meningkatkan kekerapan bersenam, amalan gizi yang seimbang (sayur-sayuran, buah-buahan, kerang bulu manusia instead of binatang, dll), kurangkan rokok dan dadah, dll.

5) Apakah yang anda perlu buat sekiranya anda mensyaki diri menghidapi selsema burung?
– menjerit sekuat hatinya macam seekor burung, dan kemudian menelefon doktor anda dengan secepat mungkin.

6) Adakah apa-apa ubat yang boleh mencegah selsema burung?
– Anda boleh cuba hisap batang Vicks yang boleh didapati di kedai ubat, tapi ia hanya boleh melegakan selsema anda.
– Ataupun anda boleh cuba menelan seterika mak mentua anda. Orang yang telah mati tidak akan dijangkiti sebarang penyakit.
– Atau-ataupun, anda boleh tanya doktor anda mengenai apa-apa vaksin selsema yang boleh anda pakai.

7) Adakah anda perlu mengubah tabiat makan anda?
– selain daripada amalan gizi seimbang seperti yang dinyatakan di atas, tidak payah.
– ayam-ayam dan telur-telur yang dijual di pasar adalah selamat, tapi untuk mengelakkan sebarang risiko, pastikan anda masak makanan anda dengan secukupnya. (goreng pun boleh)
– amalkan tabiat untuk mencuci tangan anda sebelum/selepas menyediakan makanan. (dan selepas goncang di tandas)

Ini adalah pesanan masyarakat dibawa khas untuk anda daripada Minyak Masak Cap Ayam Kampung.

——

Many thanks to kristz and ashotiwoth for the BeeEm pointers in making this community message a success.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 15 Comments
January 26, 2006

a comment for the PM

Somebody commented in my Cheese post…

MALAYSIA = Land of MALAYs
so those malays in working or living in malaysia think they r the BIRTHOWNER of this land. when they r the waiter or waitress, they feel like ‘ what the fark! i am working a low standard and income job so why must i be proud of it’ the prb with most of them is they think they r the boss and never proud of their job. since the young days, the gov has been spoon feed them with the QUOTA system and 5-10% discount for bumis to purchase properties! imagine that. the nonbumis i think is 2nd class citizen maybe. for the non bumis in the civil service department, why they never been given the quota system of promotion in their respective division? i wonder.
their thinking always..’ this is MALAYSIA, so why i am doing this kinda job!??’
posted by PM Badawi

my reply to him

whoaaa.. the prime minister was here.

Hey, mr badawi! Apa macam? Ho seh bo?
Eh you orang boleh suruh itu samy bikin satu jambatan lagi kat penang aa? (jambatan, bukan jamban…)

itu traffic dekat sana manyak teruk lar. Kelmarin gua kena sangkut kat itu tol satu setengah jam… pasal ada satu lori pancit kat tengah jalan. Potong stim lah

And I’m sure my pembaca blog sekelian also ada something to komplen to you. Maybe it’s good if you can set up a special independent panel to monitor the jalan raya mia kualiti……

posted by michaelooi

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 13 Comments
November 22, 2005

“assholometer bounty” meme

Been tagged by Vincent. Some meme post he invented himself … about evil stuffs that one has ever done in his/her life (he calls it assholism, I call it cool things that we do to cheer ourselves up).

As you might have probably reckoned, the list can get pretty long … and I can’t possibly list them all out here. So I guess I’ll sample out a portion of it for you to get an idea – how far does my 62% stretch.

1) I drew some graffiti on a white cat before – [details]

2) I humiliated a girl in my tuition center and made her quit the class – [details]

3) I’ve spiked a whole volleyball team’s drink with drain water – [details]

4) I terrorized and pwn-ed a lady driving an SLK at some junction – [details]

5) I kicked an elevator maintenance guy’s ass and made my mom shout at him – [details]

6) I jeered at a middle eastern guy in McDonalds – [details]

7) I messed with a deity and he was angry with me – [details]

8) I made a friend’s dog dive into a pile of mud – [details]

9) I ripped a fart to gas the bunch of shapeshifter security guards at my workplace – [details]

10) I kicked a lunatic dog sending it into a drain and almost got my balls impaled because of it – [details]

11) I mocked my ex-boss in an elevator full of engineers – [details]

12) I “April fooled” my site visitors in the month of March. [details #1, #2, #3]

13) More random evil acts I did when I was a teenager.

14) More random evil acts I did when I was prepubescent.

15) More random evil acts I did to animals.

And many more in the archives and off the record. But I assure you, people, despite all the morally questionable deeds I’ve engaged in the past, I’m still pretty much a nice guy to hang out with. I don’t smoke and I’ve never killed a single cat in my life before.

That psychotic Vincent created this meme with an odd requirement. He wanted the tagged person to ask his readers – how much would they pay to get rid such an “asshole” like me. Supposedly, the higher the bounty, the more evil you would think I am. You get the idea. So, gimme a number there. Thanks.

P/S: And oh, if you’d be needing any meme’s, go ahead to get yourself tagged and blog about it.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 18 Comments
September 30, 2005

shrimp cake story

I posted this story before in the forum… but I’m posting it here again because today’s a very special day…

~~~~~

there’s a Filipino maid. she works for a chinese family. she doesn’t speak malay or chinese .. so, she usually converse in English with her employers.

one day, the mistress wants her to buy a piece of shrimp cake (belacan) from a nearby store. So, she goes on her way to comply with her mistress’ request — to buy a piece of belacan

But she has a problem. The shopkeeper doesn’t understand what she wanted to buy when she told him “shrimp cake”. She tries her best to show him with all sorts of hand signals… but to no success.

Then, the Filipino maid has an idea. She sticks her hand into her private part … and scrubs it against the smelliest part of her labium…. then sticks her tainted finger under the shopkeeper’s nostril.

Immediately, the shopkeeper knows what she wanted to buy “OOOOOOOOOOO BELACAN SI BOOOH ? Say lar early early ..”

~~~~~

Story courtesy of my late old man (told to me when I was barely 16). Today’s his birthday… and I missed that bugger.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 17 Comments