Archive for the ‘nonsense’ Category

July 2, 2009

rock and roll son of heaven

This douche bag commented in my MJ post in Chinese:

惊悉摇滚天王Michael Jackson刚刚逝世,令全球粉丝悲痛万分。那是一个时代的结束,宛若上世纪猫王离世!不过值得庆幸的是Michael不像Myspace那样来大陆卖身(我这次仍然未指邓文迪);Jackson也不学Yahoo那样到内地做共匪的干儿子!——摘自《何健语录》欢迎转载,谢谢支持!

Being somewhat illiterate in Chinese, I did what most English ed losers would do – I fucking slapped the whole damn thing into Babelfish for translation and here’s what I got:

Was shocked to learn that rock and roll Son of Heaven Michael Jackson just passed away, makes the global bean or sweet potato starch noodles sorrowful extremely. That was one time conclusion, if the last century cat king left the world! However what is worth rejoicing was Michael does not look like Myspace such to come the mainland to sell into servitude (me this time still not to refer to Deng Wendi); Jackson study Yahoo such is not the Communist bandit to inland the adopted son! – – picks from “What Healthy Collected sayings” welcome the reprint, thanks the support

I almost died laughing.

‘rock and roll Son of Heaven Michael Jackson just passed away, makes the global bean or sweet potato starch noodles sorrowful extremely’.

Fuck. *wipes tears*

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 12 Comments
April 21, 2009

ABC’s about me

Another meme, tagged in Facebook…

You’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with the ABC’s of YOU. At the end, choose 26 people to be tagged. You have to tag me so really you just need 25 more people. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you – but not in a creepy stalker kind of way.

(To do this, go to your profile. Choose “boxes”; click “see all” under “notes”; click “write a note” and paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your ABC’s of Me, tag 26 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

*****

A – Ass : I like.

B – Bitch : I don’t like.

C – Constipated : I never get.

D – Dick : I have one.

E – Enema : I never had.

F – Fuck : I mention a lot.

G – Gonad : I have two.

H – Horny : I sometimes am.

I – Idiots : Worked with many.

J – Jokes : I tell a lot.

K – Kamasutra : I never read.

L – Love : I have plenty.

M – Money : I have little.

N – Need : An early retirement.

O – Obnoxious : My middle name.

P – Pimp : My dream job.

Q – Q-tips : I use a lot.

R – Romantic : I am not.

S – Sins : I have committed.

T – Tits : Are my passion.

U – Underpaid : I always am.

V – Virgin : Not anymore.

W – Wisdom : I didn’t remove.

X – XXX : I have watched.

Y – Young : Many years ago.

Z – Zonked : I seldom get.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 5 Comments
February 19, 2009

25 random things about me

A meme, tagged in Facebook…

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
To do this, go to “Notes” under tabs (+) on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

*****

01. I like to refer myself as a ‘semi-perfectionist’. I expect some things to be perfect, and some things not.

02. I had my first nosebleed in a fight with a school bus buddy named Lingam. He was such a badass.

03. I am not scared of ghosts, but I am fucking terrified of roaches.

04. The first time I ever gambled in a casino was at Genting. I won a few hundred bucks that day and used the money to purchase the body of a Nikon FM2 mechanical camera.

05. I had my second nosebleed after a back flip into a pool went awry and I landed chest on.

06. I named my daughter Regine after a popular Filipino hootchie singer/actress Regine Velasquez.

07. I don’t have very good hearing on both my ears. It has been like this since I was a teenager.

08. …but for what I lack in hearing, I make up with my olfactory ability. I believe I have this thing for smell.

09. I am addicted to coffee. I can have as many as 6 mugs of coffee in a day.

10. I have a callus under my left foot which is super fun to peel at when watching movies.

11. I spend about 20 minutes cleaning my mouth before sleep every night. Pick and floss – 5 minutes. Gargle with water – 10 minutes. Brushing (electronic on weekends) – 5 minutes. Gargle again with mouthwash – ~1 minute.

12. I was brought up listening to Bee Gees and The Beatles.

13. I never get the flush when I imbibe. I could still be looking normal despite being drunk like a fuck.

14. I am very sensitive to heat and ventilation. I perspire heavily when there is too much heat, or lack of ventilation.

15. …that’s why I use deodorant and fragrance all the time – even at work.

16. I have not bought a computer for myself since 1998. The computers I have been using all these while were all assigned company properties.

17. I have never given flowers to any girl before. My past Valentine’s Day gifts were all cheap cards with custom recorded cassettes. (fyi, they all worked great)

18. My wife and I never wear our wedding rings, because both of us hate wearing jewelry.

19. I recently developed this obsession for Jasmine fragrance. My car is smelling like a Jasmine now.

20. I don’t fancy watching porno, contrary to the popular belief that I do…

21. I had a cosmetic surgery on my upper lip before… from an accident…

22. I prefer matured women than teenage chicks when it comes to opposite attraction.

23. I have always fantasized myself being a serial killer. There are so many people that I could kill if I ever become one.

24. I have single eyelids. But if I rub my eyes hard enough, I get triple folds. Really.

25. My command of Mandarin sucks donkey cock.

*****
there…

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 13 Comments
February 10, 2009

‘What kind of driver I hate most’

A meme tagged by mahagurusia… (yes, I am too busy, lazy and needed a filler post)…

What kind of drivers do I hate most? Well, read on to find out…

1. I hate people who drive faster than I do…

2. I hate people who drive slower than I do…

3. I hate geriatrics behind the wheel, they suck

4. I hate young punks behind the wheel, they suck even more

5. I hate people who drive a small car and think that they’re riding a motorcycle…

6. I hate people who drive a locally made car and think that they’re driving an intercontinental…

7. I hate people who drive an intercontinental car and think they’re driving a sports car…

8. I hate people who drive a sports car because I’m fucking jealous…

9. I hate people who breathe inside a car…

10. I hate all motorized vehicle with people in it…

The truth is, I pretty much hate everyone when I drive. For some strange reason, I automatically become a misanthrope when I step into a car. I look calm most of the time when I am driving though, but deep inside that placid appearance, I would be imagining myself parking my car on top of the driver in front of me. Oh yeah, you people better stay away from me when I am behind the wheel…

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 9 Comments
January 12, 2009

keywords III

Bizarre shit that people typed in the search engine and fucking ended up in my blog instead…

1. Cat torture / Torture cat / How to torture cat – When you’re out of idea on how to be evil, why not try the search engine? Goddamn psychos. I guess they’re here because of this entry I wrote 3 years ago… (which is one of my highest hit / most read post to date)

2. dick in tamil – The best way of finding out how to say dick in Tamil is to ask your Indian friends… what a chode. (the word’s ‘koteh’ ‘kunji’ by the way)

3. bersetubuh dengan adik – The least reassuring thing in 2009 so far, was to learn that my blog’s attracting some incestuous pedophile… albeit not on intentional purpose.

4. durian as eraser – I don’t even know what this means…

5. pregnant girl with clippered hair – Now how did this end up in my fucking blog?? What’s “clippered”??

6. what does pundek means / what is pundek – One of the top searches. Apparently, some people are still living under a rock. (for the record: pundek is a type of animal that purrs)

7. tek tek perempuan – I reckon he (or she) didn’t have a good source of porn… Notice how direct his search string is… Must be a kid.

8. women ovary fucking – Kiddy search again. Kids, you don’t insert your junk into the ovary! You insert it in the armpit and vellicate (guys, shhh)

9. neighbor fuck mommy – Another kiddy search. When you see mommy getting boned by your uncle neighbor, you don’t Google! You call your DADDY!

10. yung girl pey for hand job in a car – This guy don’t even fucking know how to spell (and the strange thing was, he ended up in my blog… this is sad)

I feel sick already.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 9 Comments