Archive for the ‘nonsense’ Category

December 7, 2003

CrazyGuy

*update 03 DEC 04 – lost the original photo… i found a temporary substitute.

Meet CrazyGuy. He’s my pet dog inside my car. He’s been inside my car for 4 years and is still single. His hobbies are watching cars and collecting stamps, although he still have not manage to get himself any collection to date.

CrazyGuy is a good pet and I love him. Why? It is because he needs no food and he doesn’t shit everywhere like any other dogs. I don’t have to take him out for a walk nor do I have to worry about him humping any female dogs he sees. He just knows how to behave and be an obedient best friend like he aptly should. A perfect pet for me.

Another wonderful thing about CrazyGuy is, he’s such a hottie. Chicks and kids that go up my car just love him. They will kiss and cuddle him like he’s their own dog or something. And he doesn’t have fleas or bad odor… But he does have lots of drools, lipstick marks, dandruff and hairs stuck on its yellow colored fur. Well, not that I mind that – because cleaning him up is as easy as picking my own nose. I’ll just need to groom him up with my portable vacuum cleaner and spray him with Febreze.

Let me also tell you a secret – those tiny sensitive receptors on his nose? Those things are awesome. Whenever there are girls around to cuddle him hard, he will telepathically transmit the bliss to me … and I will share with my magical pet the warmth and comfort from that cuddle. He’s such an altruistic pet.

But then, due to his inherently cute outlook, it is sometimes hard for me to control my guests from over-cuddle him. As he is especially sensitive to certain type of people (blimps, odorous individuals, hideous looking witches or someone shit fucking bad hygiene), he would sometimes send out SOS signals calling for help. When that happens, I will turn over from my driver seat and issue a warning like this – “Hey… put down my dog before I kick you out of my car… you cheebye”. We co-exist together in a symbiosis relationship – we’re both an essential part of a balanced ecosystem inside my car.

Ok, that’s all about my dog – CrazyGuy. If you feel that you need to ask some questions about him, feel free to contact me through my email.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
November 28, 2003

keywords

I didn’t go to work today. I had an upset stomach for drinking too much ‘lassi’ last night. If you do not know what’s a ‘lassi’, it is basically yoghurt blended with milk (Indian origin, hence the name).

So, I had been purging myself stupid real hard since yesterday, and currently is so debilitated and lethargic.

Anyway, since I had too much time at hands today (when not shitting slime inside the toilet), I took some time to check out my Nedstat, and found some bizarre shit — the keywords people used in search engines that stumbled into my blog! Here is the list in alphabetical order :

1) aaron kwok’s career – what the fuck? Aaron Kwok’s career? Well, the Aaron Kwok mentioned in my blog here is a stinking asshole. His career? A nobody and a consummate pervert.

2) aaron kwok’s weight – his weight? he weights differently in different environments. If there are girls around, he’d be weightless because he is such a fucking pervert.

3) body disatisfaction in young girls – this is so fucking bizarre. Dear searcher… allow me to enlighten you – young girls always have problems with their butts and boobs… no matter how good they are.

4) burp loudly extremely – why do one need to search such information? What about farts?

5) convince that food preservatives have benefits – they do. they let you make your food last longer. Duh.

6) download “aaron kwok” “shake it” – shake what? These people need to be more specific with their search terms, else, they’re gonna end up in sites like mine. Dolt.

7) film horror gore burp – film (check), horror (check), gore (check), burp (WTF???).

8) girlfriends of Aaron Kwok – aaron kwok’s girlfriend is a slut. Trust me. I’ve met her before.

9) niobe’s hairstyle – nabeh’s hairstyle = a new kind of insult commonly adopted by Singaporeans.

10) no condom blog – I didn’t know blogs are suppose to come with condoms…

11) photos of bullimic patients – search for ‘Kate Moss’, you’d find what you’re looking for.

12) putu mayam manufacturer in singapore – ‘manufacturer’… must be some big ass company doing something important…

13) putu mayam recipe – flour, brown sugar, dried coconut pulps and a hungry stomach.

14) singapore bitchy slut blog – It’s not that hard to spot one, is it?

15) stinked alcohol – alcohol itself doesn’t stink. Heck, they even use alcohol in perfumes. Get some education.

Kind of gives you an idea if our society’s making the best use of the internet, eh?

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
November 15, 2003

durian – the ultimate fruit

I hereby proclaim durian to be the national fruit of Malaysia. Durians not only taste good, but they’re known to be nutritious and all-purpose useful as well. If you are not aware about the facts already, please peruse the following list to enhance your general knowledge…

– They contain a lot of anti-oxidants, fibers and protein. Scientific studies revealed that durian actually can prevent herpes and also is a good agent for body cleansing (shits inside brain, cellulite, etc). Long term consumption can prolong life expectancy and also reduce the risk of dick cancer (for female = beaver cancer).

– Its expired stale smell can be used as an effective weapon to rid of insects, perverts, ugly hags, vagabonds and vermin alike (see example below).

Situation (being mugged) :
Mugger : Alright dude … this is a stickup. Give me your wallet and don’t do anything stupid. I have a gun here…

Dude that with durian breath: Hahah … you made a boo boo mugger. Eat shit and die!! [BURRRRRRPPPP]

Mugger: Arrrggghhhhh !!! … [knocked out cold from the stale durian burp gas]

– Fart gas from consumption of durians can be used as a new source of methane-based burning fuel — which in turn, can be used to replace our already depleting fossil fuel. (thus, more environmentally friendly)

– Thorny shells from durians can be used as an effective self defense weapon and also a cheap solution for American cops as a replacement for spike strips.

The list goes on…

The most wonderful thing about durian is… THEY TASTE VERY GOOD WITH CENDOL! If you haven’t tried it before, just put a dollop of durian flesh into your cendol and add a little pulut (sticky rice) – you will discover the truth of life.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
August 1, 2003

Board Of Directors

I was a bit free at work today… so I browsed my archive to burn some time & I found one interesting email that was the first time me and my buddies coined the name ‘BOD’ (Board of Directors) for our group. You see, whenever we are all at work, we would usually send short emails to each other discussing about our plans for the weekend – something like, “apa kangtau saturday?”… “where are we going to float this weekend?”… most of the time, full of censored language. Then, I started to notice that my buddy Henry, he always changes the email subject to a somewhat formal title and replied all our correspondence with office level formality. His excuse? He was afraid that his boss would cream his ass for using the company email for private business. The ones full of fucks & asses were especially detrimental. One day, I decided to play along:
————————-
From: Ooi, Michael
Sent: Thursday, August 30, 2001 9:21 AM
To: Luis; ‘henry’
Subject: URGENT: Request for schedule of meeting
Importance: High

Dear Mr henry and Luis
Would appreciate if you can confirm the activities that we are going to roll out tonight, as I would desperately like to know the schedule planned for tonight’s meeting. The intention is to allow me to pre-arrange my working hours to cater for the above-mentioned function.

Forehand, I have been pre-informed by Mr Luis that we are going to have Tony as company for the above function – with a bottle of Chivas for the occasion. As far as I understand, we may face a lot of inconveniences and difficulties if the Chivas were to be brought along into the Canto meeting room. As a result of that, we may need to meet-up in a separate venue before the meeting – bak kut teh , or animal’s corner.

Would appreciate your prompt response on this matter

With regards
Michaelooi
————————-
*Luis replied:

From: Luis
Sent: Thursday, August 30, 2001 10:12 AM
To: Ooi, Michael; ‘henry’
Subject:RE: URGENT: Request for schedule of meeting

Good morning everyone.

As per discussion with our Thai representative, Mr. Henry – nothing is confirmed yet as of now. Our organizer Tony still hasn’t give me a call to finalize the time and venue. So, I guess we still need to wait for our boss, Tony as he is having the ultimate agenda for the meeting – CHIVAS –

But it still will be at night as usual, Director Michael, and what time will you be available? Do keep in touch for the plan tonight.

Regards, Luis
————————-

and that was how the BOD (Board Of Directors) was born. Our way of communication was never the same again.
Here are some explanation to aid your understanding for certain confusing words:
Chivas - a 40% alcohol beverage (whisky) made by Chivas Brothers.
Canto meeting room – a pub in Penang.
bak kut teh – a cafe in Gurney drive … we usually test our livers there.
animal’s corner - a kopitiam in Macalister Rd, Penang. My friend – animal…his dad owns a stall there … that was why we named the place animal’s corner.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
July 8, 2003

cendol mania

I finally get to slurp my favorite cendol after missing it for a few days. Ahh… so refreshing. So good…

Cendols are good for health. They contain a lot of anti-oxidants, with lots of fibres, plenty of protein and fortified with calcium. They have pottasium too, rich with vitamins and irons …. and they help our body to absorb more minerals than anything else.

Long term consumption are known to prevent diabetes, lowers the risk of cancer & builds up your body resistance against viral infections — such as VDs, SARs, Hep A/B’s …etc. Makes your eyes look fresh… develop new brain cells and improve the memories, especially for older people. They are also known to be able to cure high blood pressure … appendicitis … tooth plaques … diarrheas …mental disorders … impotence … and in some cases even prevent death

So, people, what are you fucking waiting for?

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off