Identiti kepada nama yang penuh misteri ini akan terbongkar di MichaelOoi.net…

Nama samar: ‘Datuk T’

Nama sebenar: Laurence Tureaud

Umur: Tak boleh cakap

Tinggi: Kira-kira enam kaki

Berat: Kira-kira seratus botol air oren Mirinda satu liter

Tanam chachar: Tidak pernah

Pekerjaan: Bekas peninju profesional. Sekarang menganggur.

Hobi: Menumbuk anjing, mengumpul barang kemas tiruan, tangkap video lucah orang lain.

Pasukan bola sepak yg paling gemar: Blackburn Rovers

Pelakon wanita yg paling gemar: Papillon Soo Soo, Maria Ozawa, Akira Fubuki, Anna Ohura, Azumi Kawashima, dll.

Pelakon lelaki yg paling gemar: Christopher Walken, Jason Statham, Dwayne Johnson, Aaron Kwok

Makanan yg paling gemar: ‘too boh sui’, koay teow goreng tak mau taugeh, mee segera perisa asam laksa berjenama Cintan.

Minuman yg paling gemar: 932

Pencapaian yang paling cemerlang: Mengalahkan juara dunia Rocky Balboa pada tahun 1982, dan menerima anugerah Darjah Kepangkatan Yang Teramat Tinggi Sekali (DKYTTS) yang membawa gelaran ‘Datuk’ oleh Sultan Sulu untuk pencapaian ini.

Benda yg paling tidak suka: orang tengok rambut dia, jam tangan berjenama Omega kerana ia mengingatkan dia tentang seekor robot yang hodoh dalam rancangan Transformers.

One of the immediately noticeable challenges I faced when taking care of my daughter alone, was story telling – with a Chinese book. I have been telling stories all these while to my daughter Regine, but only in English. My wife covers the Chinese department. But my daughter – obviously missing her mom very much – wanted me to tell stories from a Chinese book. More like a comic actually. Being illiterate in Chinese, I struggled to meet that demand just by figuring out the pictures like an archeologist studying hieroglyphics from an alien civilization. I managed to scan one of the stories below (after the jump) – you guys try to figure out, see if you can get it right. (I eventually gave up, and my daughter ended up telling me the story herself)

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Two of my colleagues were chatting with each other on their instant messenger. One was in the lab located at the other side of the factory, one was right next to my cubicle. The one next to my cubicle got up and went away, and left his IM on.

Seeing a golden opportunity to play a prank on him, I typed the following into the conversation box from his computer :

“Fuck you [the lab guy's name]”
“Suck my dick”

Almost instantly, the lab guy replied,
“Is that you Michael?”

This, my friends, is a perfect example of ‘brand recognition’. And I’m proud of it.

Murdered this fucker in my lab today

Yes, that crimson shit at its ruptured abdomen is my blood.

This douche bag commented in my MJ post in Chinese:

惊悉摇滚天王Michael Jackson刚刚逝世，令全球粉丝悲痛万分。那是一个时代的结束，宛若上世纪猫王离世！不过值得庆幸的是Michael不像Myspace那样来大陆卖身（我这次仍然未指邓文迪）；Jackson也不学Yahoo那样到内地做共匪的干儿子！——摘自《何健语录》欢迎转载，谢谢支持！

Being somewhat illiterate in Chinese, I did what most English ed losers would do – I fucking slapped the whole damn thing into Babelfish for translation and here’s what I got:

Was shocked to learn that rock and roll Son of Heaven Michael Jackson just passed away, makes the global bean or sweet potato starch noodles sorrowful extremely. That was one time conclusion, if the last century cat king left the world! However what is worth rejoicing was Michael does not look like Myspace such to come the mainland to sell into servitude (me this time still not to refer to Deng Wendi); Jackson study Yahoo such is not the Communist bandit to inland the adopted son! – - picks from “What Healthy Collected sayings” welcome the reprint, thanks the support

I almost died laughing.

‘rock and roll Son of Heaven Michael Jackson just passed away, makes the global bean or sweet potato starch noodles sorrowful extremely’.

Fuck. *wipes tears*