Do you guys remember the time when zombies used to be the ‘in’ thing in the world of horror movies? Well, this movie’s everything about it. It’s one of the two flicks featured under ‘Grindhouse’ theme, which was co-produced by Quentin Tarantino (”Kill Bill”, “Pulp Fiction”) and Robert Rodriguez (”From Dusk Till Dawn”, “Sin City”). This one’s being produced by Rodriguez while the other one, called “Grindhouse - Death Proof”, was by Tarantino.

I’ve actually read about the Grindhouse project from the internet sometime ago, that Tarantino and Rodriguez are collaborating on something that would relive back the old days - you know, zombies, slashers, car chases and all the non-CGI stuff. (If your childhood was in the 80’s, then you’ll know what I’m talking about). And I have been looking forward for this since then… because I know, if there’s anything at all that I would want to watch on TV at the lowest point of my life, it would be flicks produced by either of these 2 magnificent madcap directors.

Anyway, I finally got to watch “Planet Terror” last weekend… and although the flick fell short of my immense expectation, it was quite an entertaining watch. It has tits scene (in the initial purposely made fake B grade trailer called “Machete”), gores (though not that much if you go by the “Kill Bill” or “Dead Alive” standard), fake blood, exploding zombies, real deal pyrotechnics… all with exaggerated kind of violence (the copy that I had was an UNRATED version so… some of these might be snipped off on the RATED copies).

The main plot revolves around a go-go dancer called Cherry Darling, who quit her night job and ran into her ex boyfriend El Wray at a barbeque joint. After they did some catching up, Cherry asked for a ride home from the location. Little did they know, that something ominous was happening at a nearby location - a biological weapon deal went wrong between a scientist and a group of rogue mercenaries headed by Bruce Willis, which turned the whole neighborhood into zombies. On the way home, El Wray crashed his truck from averting one of the stray zombies. They both survived the crash, but Cherry was dragged out of the wreck by some zombies and had her left leg gnawed off. El Wray rescued her from definite death by dispatching the zombies with a rifle and sent her to the hospital, only to realize that it was already full of people infected with the zombie virus… and adventure ensues. (I’ll let you guys find out the rest for yourselves).

There were a few subplots that also ran concurrently with the Cherry Darling main plot, but all of them would eventually converge into a big group and make their escape together, dispatching gruesome zombies in the process and forming a survivor exodus to another safer place. Just like the old time zombie flicks with poor ending. Hell, those guys even created it to have that 80’s grainy and scratch marks on celluloid effect, and also deliberately added a ‘missing reel’ part to filter out the x-rated scenes (the scene where Cherry darling lifted her broomstick peg when having a steamy round of sex actually had me in stitches). Other notable bizarre moments:
- Quentin Tarantino’s cameo as a rapist and had his dick turned into a slimy mush - priceless.
- Cherry snapped her peg when she used it to impale Tarantino the rapist’ eye socket. El Wray would then had it replaced with a machine gun with an underslung grenade launcher (or something). The poster was Cherry with that said machine gun peg.
- Bruce Willis character claiming that he shot Osama Bin Laden by shooting him 2 times in his heart and once on his head.
- Dog jumps out of convertible car and ended up as a roadkill along with the zombies, with blood spraying all over - damn fucking funny scene

Overall, it was a rather mind blowing entertainment. I mean, how can one dislike watching zombies wreak havocs and body parts getting mutilated all around? You don’t get much of these stuff around anymore. Go watch it, be it to reminisce the old days, or because you haven’t seen anything like this before… it’s better than the likes of Die Hard 4 (damn fucking stupid movie)

This flick is worthy 7 out of 10 in my scale of awesomeness - an entertaining and comedic deus-ex-machina zombie flick, though not as good as his (Rodriguez’s) older zombie undead masterpiece “From Dusk Till Dawn”…

(the “Machete” fake trailer at the beginning of the movie looks very promising~~ “they messed with the wrong Mexican”… ahaks! The latest news was that it’s going to be developed into a real movie, to be released as another “Grindhouse” flick)

This is suppose to be a slasher flick. I repeat, SUPPOSE to be a slasher flick. Judging from the title, one would assume that the plot would have to do with somekind of job vacancy, probably to lure unsuspecting victims to the killing fetish of a calm but psychotic slasher.

Well, had it been that, it would have been a neat plot. But no, it wasn’t like that at all. Apparently, the word ‘vacancy’ in this film is referring to the level of intelligence one needed to be able to enjoy this film. I have only 1 word for this flick - BORING.

It was about an estranged couple who got stucked in the middle of nowhere at night when their car broke down after taking a shortcut off the interstate highway. Fortunately for them (or rather, unfortunately), there was a motel nearby and they decided to spend a night after couldn’t get themselves a mechanic. But that motel, turns out to be a den of a bunch of snuff film makers - who murders and records their victims inside their motel room. Adventure ensues (and both of them miraculously survived the ordeal).

Sounds like kookily fun but trust me, it is not. I shit you not but, it is more interesting to watch Fun Song Factory on Astro Playhouse Disney Channel than this crap. The film lacked of blood, lacked of gore, lacked of serious stunts and lacked of even a decent storyline. The villains (note the ’s’ - there were more than 1 slasher in this film) were a bunch of clumsy farts and the antagonist looked like the senile version of that lewd Lieutenant Jim Dangle from Reno 911. Heck, even the chick’s not hot. (I used to have the hots for Kate Beckinsale, but after a horrific episode of seeing her semi-exposed tits with crack marks from a forwarded email, I kinda dumped her). From what I reckoned, the budget probably did not exceed 2,000 bucks had it not for the couple of moderately famous actor/actress in it. It still sucked even if it was to be marketed as a B grade movie, that is how bad it was (for me).

My rating for this movie : 2 out of 10 - this is a slasher-flick wannabe, but far from qualified to be called one.
(I think I’m gonna start giving grades for the movies I review from now on - so let’s start with this one).

This is a very, very dark movie… and I fucking loved it. If there was to be a denominator 10 score, I would have given it a mind blowing perfect 10. It has got to be one of the best serial killer movie I’ve ever seen, even better than that “Silence of the Lambs”.

The magic of this movie, I must say, lies in the character development. Unlike many serial killer movies, the plot was told from the killer’s perspective (similar to that movie “Perfume - The Story of a Murderer” - which I equally enjoy). It makes you empathize with the killer and experience the feel of how he struggled with his overwhelming inner evil - in the form of an imaginary character named Marshall, which would appear throughout the movie as his alter ego crime partner - to not kill anymore innocent people. So, he’s like trying to change his ways, but his Marshall would to prevent him from doing that.

And Kevin Costner carried this role remarkably well. He’s sick, twisted and at the same time, calm and composed, but also lets you see the ‘behind the scenes’ of serial killer’s mind. You can put it this way, he’s like the Chili Palmer of all serial killers, life similar to Spiderman’s and with a bonus of having an intelligent sidekick named Marshall to unfuck everything for him.

The plot’s damn good, enough gore scenes, a couple of uber cool gunfight scenes, some car chases, elements of dry comedy and also a bonus tits scene (nice natural tits) - all these vital ingredients blend very nicely into a classic serial killer flick which I think, I will remember for a fucking long time.

A really must watch.

Remember the movie “Saw”? Well, this is the sequel. The return of the sociopathic Jigsaw Killer. Not a new title but, I only got the chance to watch it yesterday.

The story starts with a scene of a semi naked dude waking up to find himself hooked to an iron maiden like mask on his neck. He has a busted eyeball and everything else is blur. And before he can even get his shit together to realize what is going on, a TV conveniently placed in front of him fires up and on comes the video of Jigsaw Killer in his infamous puppet form, telling him that the iron maiden mask is a time triggered device, and it’s gonna fucking snap into his face if he doesn’t unlock it with a key. Killer then gives him a hint, an x-ray picture of his skull with the key surgically buried behind his busted eyeball. Poor guy freaks out and fumbles, and finds a scalpel. He’d have to use the scalpel to gouge out his eyeball and use the key to save his own life… but failed in the end. The device snaps and we get to see blood gushing out of the mask when he lies dead on the floor…

Quite an introduction eh? Yeah, if you can remember the killer’s style, this has always been his kind of shit. Playing games of death with his devious plots and traps. But this sequel, is a far departure from the first title. This is a much better movie with better budget. You don’t get a lot of ‘much better’ sequels nowadays. Some of the notable improvements and strong points compared to the first movie:

- The location is no longer confined to only a small room and a couple of blokes with plenty of drama (which I have to admit, can be quite dull after about 20 minutes). This time, it’s inside an abandoned house ala Resident Evil (the game) style. More twisted traps and naturally, also more gore.

- They brought in some famous people to act in this movie - Mark Wahlberg. Wait a minute. That guy isn’t Mark. That guy’s somebody else that looks like Mark. Who the fuck is this guy? A little bit of googling around revealed that he’s Mark’s brother - Donnie Wahlberg. You know, the guy who used to be in the famous New Kids On the Block ~~~stepp by stepp, oooh bebehhhh~~~. Yeah it’s him. Gosh he looks like an old fart now. His acting is no less fabulous than Mark. They looked almost the same and sounded the same. Just cheaper.

- They’d added in a little bit of teaser titties in this movie, which is a good thing. Though they could use some maniac ripping off their clothes or something, but there’s no room for maniacs in this movie so… I guess it is already a boon to have them around, to dampen up a little of the bore factor in the middle of the movie. You know, sometimes you need a little distraction to keep the positive vibe going. So, there’s this small tittied braless crack whore looking chick, and another 2 with bigger ones. It was alright.

- The plot is more complex and intelligent. It revolves around the Jigsaw killer himself getting caught after the iron maiden killing in the introduction, and being confronted by Donnie Wahlberg, who plays a toughnut corrupted cop called Matthews. The killer however, managed to turn the table around and got Matthews back in the ass, by revealing to him that his son has been captured in a building somewhere laced with sarin gas. From there, the movie breaks into 2 subplots - the game of death being played by Matthews with the killer to save his son, and another one being played by Matthew’s son himself to stay alive in the spooky shit trap laden hellhole. Both plots would then merge into the grand finale, where the viewer gets to learn how each and every plan and trap that Jigsaw killer deceitfully laid beforehand, falls perfectly into place to get Matthews into the very room where the first movie took place.

Overall quite impressive, I must say. I liked every minute of it. It was as if the director took heed of my advice in my previous “Saw” review, and dump them into this sequel. Nice.

If you haven’t already watched this, go get the DVD.

I was with Emily, driving to the cinema to catch this movie today when suddenly, my tire exploded and I had to make an emergency stop by the side of the highway check what happened. Apparently, I ran over some metal contraption that was left on the middle of the road (looked like some part from a truck). I was doing too fast and couldn’t avert it in time. That thing basically shred the fuck right through my front tire from the side and the damage was irreparable. Had to get a new set of tires for my car. After a hot sweltering episode by the highway-side, 800 over bucks poorer and a couple hours later, only then I managed to carry on with my plan to pay homage to the remake of my childhood passion. That was when I said to myself - mannnn, this better be fucking worth it.

So, was the movie ‘worth it’? Nahhhhh. Somehow, I was rather disappointed. It didn’t have the “Transformers” feel to it. I think the original el cheapo animated series was way better… or shall I say, more entertaining. This CGI packed high budget movie just didn’t cut my cake and here are the reasons why (I’m gonna list this in point form for convenience’ sake)

The bad:
a) I just fucking hate the ‘camera shaking’ effect. I noticed that a lot of action movies nowadays adopt this method to give the viewer the ‘feel’ of being in the haywire situation. I don’t dig that stuff. It makes me feel giddy (like that “Blair Bitch” camcorder movie. That was so fucking stupid man). Why can’t they just make movies like how they did “Die Hard” or “Matrix”? You know, slow motion and fixed angles? Things I don’t understand.

b) I noticed that there are only a handful of robots in the whole movie. Like, 6 a side? 6 a side of good and evil, fighting each other… and you call that a ‘war’? What the fuck?? That was more like a ‘gang fight’ that took place behind alleys… If you’ve watched the 1986 “Transformers The Movie” cartoon, then you’ll what I’m talking about.

c) I think it’s plain stupid to make Optimus Prime to have a mechanical moving mouth. I mean, we’re used to see him mouthless… like a ninja or something. It’s the cool thing about him to have a ninja look. But this… Oh man, he look so messed up with a mouth. And let’s not even ponder why would a robot need a fucking mouth to speak… (we need it for food and oral sex, none of which they can perform)

d) The idea about the robots being able to scan and transform into anything they want is a fucking joke. If they’re able to do that, then what makes them stick to the only vehicular shape that they first transformed? Like, some of the Autobots could have transformed themselves into some F-22 fighters like Starscream and have that much superiority in combat… instead of just driving around the city getting their asses creamed.

e) The plot is preposterous. Maybe I just don’t get it. But I don’t dig it. Why the coordinates on a pair of specs? Why not on a piece of rock? Why Decepticons only came at 21st century? Why not 70 years ago? It was as if the whole thing was conceived right out of a drunken night out at a pub or something. I can come up with way better plots. Eg. A genius scientist invented robots for the military force in US, a few of them went rogue and started to go around mutilating and raping women/children. The remaining good ones will uphold the justice and fuck back with them. See? It’s better.

f) The girl character in this movie is redundant (maybe she’s there for the tits. Gotta check out the uncut DVD version). It would have been better if they made a comedic sidekick for that WitWicky kid.

g) That rap Transformer song sucks donkey cock. (it’s awful)

The good
1) The initial egg beater robot plowing through US military base scene was pretty badass. I kinda liked it.

2) Bumblebee speaking through excerpts from various radio programmes scene was a classic. I liked it a lott.

3) That Pentagon signal decoding expert chick with an accent is so HOTTTTTTT. I totally dig her!

4) The popcorn was ecstatic (nothing to do with the movie)

That’s about it.

In case you’re wondering, no… I am not one of those fanatic loyalist of the series that could have biased my opinion about the movie (like some of my fucking crazy friends). In fact, I wouldn’t even call myself a ‘fan’ of “The Transformers”. Hell, I couldn’t even name more than a dozen of the robots in the series. I remember Bumblebee, Optimus Prime, Megatron, the damn robot that ejects cassettes from its chest to wreak havoc (I used to know his name), Starscream (my fav), Constructioncon or something. The rest are pretty vague. Omega Supreme? Yeah.

I’m looking forward for Die Hard 4 (not sure if I’d get a chance to watch it at the cinema…)