Archive for the ‘movie reviews’ Category

January 11, 2004

“Paycheck” (2003)

My national past time now has changed to watching movies. For the 5th million time, I went to watch movie again last night – Paycheck – starring Ben Affleck.

What can I say about the movie? Lame casting. Of so many pretty Hollywood actresses, they chose Uma Thurman to be the lead actress. Uma Thurman is ugly man. She has a lot of pockmarks on her face. They reminded me of some filthy concrete surface of a monsoon drain.

I mean, they could have used someone like Claudia Schiffer (I always have difficulty to pronounce her last name) or maybe Natalie Imbruglia in this movie… it would have been much better. But then, cost was probably the concern. Uma might have volunteered for the role for free… and thus cheaper to produce that movie. Shrugs.

Don’t watch this man, stay away from it.

My next target – “The Last Samurai”…

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January 3, 2004

“Peter Pan” (2003)

Went to watch Peter Pan last night. What can I say about that movie? The movie sucked. I spent 10% of my time sleeping inside.

The experience was aggravated further by a talking kid 2 rows behind my seat. I fucking hate kids who talk in cinemas. Maybe I should have forseen such thing to happen, knowing Peter Pan is a name often associated with little tykes (who think they can fly) – just like the one who couldn’t keep his yapping mouth shut the entire length of the film. That kid thought he was smart because he had read the stupid Peter Pan storybook before, and was all familiar with what was about to happen, every fucking plot.

“Oh… that’s the ship named [forgot the name]”.
“Oh… that’s Peter’s something something”.
“I know that place! I know that place! It is [insert place name]

Hell.

As if he’s the official translator for a group of blind audience inside the theater. If he already knew the story, he could just shut the fuck up and watch the movie already. Damn annoying.

I had similar experience when I watch Harry Potter. There is always bound to be another fucked up kid who would always do the same thing “Ooh … that’s Dumbledoor (or whatever fuck you call that old fart) .. the guy who runs the magic whorehouse. That time, I actually yelled to the kid who couldn’t stop doing the loud commentary.

Going to movies is supposed to be entertaining. Watching Peter Pan is not. Especially with stupid kids yakking non-stop throughout the entire screening. Ptuuiii…

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December 27, 2003

“TLOTR – ROTK” (2003)

To those who haven’t watched The Lord Of The Rings: Return Of the King, please leave immediately. Plenty of spoilers ahead.

Finally get to see LOTR – ROTK last night. It was well worth the money. Never thought that it was that gollumn who made the ring fell into the burning pit of Mount Doom. What a great show.

But I do have a few comments though… I felt that the ending could have been better if they cut the hobbits storybook crap. You know, once the ring fell into the lava… I was expecting things to end quite fast after that. But… it was still a long and sleepy way to go before the actual ending. I was holding up pretty bad for a visit to the toilet…

And then… someone from my group asked – where the fuck are they (Frodo, Gandalf, etc) going on that ship in the end? Well… not wanting to disappoint my friends, I told them that those people are going to Langkawi for some cheap booze and serious celebration. Eheheh… actually, I didn’t quite get the last part. Perhaps some Tolkien freaks can enlighten me a bit.

Overall, it was still a pretty good watch, and not to mention the most amazing trilogy of all time.

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November 9, 2003

“The Matrix Revolutions” (2003)

I went to watch The Matrix Revolutions yesterday. Wooooohoo… it was awesome. Particularly enjoyed the battle scene… it was heck of a great battle and effects. Man… there should be more film like this…

Talking about the Matrix, I think the dwellers of Zion could have done better to defeat the machines. I think their leaders are just too plain dumb not to probe every single possible solution to fight the machines… you know. If I were to become their leader, I’m going to do so much better than that, and here are some of what I would do to confront the menace of the machines:

1) Knowing that the machines rely on human body charge as an energy source, I will take advantage of this weakness. I will attempt to kill every single human (or as much as possible) inside the Matrix to reduce their energy capacity and their energy dependency. This might be a cruel way but, looking at the way Neo and Trinity wipe out so many innocent security guards in the lobby fight (The Matrix), I can conclude that they don’t really give a fuck about charity or neighborhood harmony… so… this shouldn’t be hard.

2) EMPs… short for Electro Magnetic Pulses – they proved to be an effective weapon against the machines. Therefore, I will squeeze all the Zion dwellers to focus on manufacturing EMPs full scale. Nothing but only EMPs… as many as possible. Then, I will download an ass load of spies/assassins/suicide bombers to strategically place EMPs at the vital parts in the machine city (they got plugs on their head… it’s easy to train up some stealthy ninjas). Then, I will detonate the EMPs simultaneously and fuck them machines up. Zion might sustain some damages but hey… winning a war is not easy …

3) Smith had evolved into an uncontrollable bitch ass mean program and from Matrix Reloaded/Evolution, we knew the machines are afraid of this bastard. This proves that the Matrix is prone to virus attack as well. Hence, I’ll download more programmers from Zion… and get them to write more viruses like Smith (but specifically coded to be on Zion’s side). In the matter of time, it will take over the entire Matrix and the machines will lose it… and will have no way to control the ‘unfreed’ humans.

4) Abduct the Oracle and duplicate the bitch. Then, I’m gonna modify her source code not to be so bitchy. She should learn how to talk properly and answer questions straight (and to steal her cookies recipe. Her cookies always makes me hungry in the cinema). This way, we’ll have more clone-Oracles to guide Zion intelligence. Note: This method might require plenty of super-good programmers and luck. The Oracle always knew when something is going happen. That bitch might hide herself in somekind of cave networks in Afghan when she knows we’re going to abduct her. And we know it’s not easy to find someone in those caves… somebody tried that and fail miserably.

5) From the movie, we also know that popping the red pills will ‘free’ the humans. Ergo, I’m gonna manufacture fuckloads of red pills… and distribute it across the Matrix like dopes. Easy, stuck one pill inside every free cookie sample (we got Oracle’s cookie recipe in point #4, remember?) in various popular place… say… somewhere like Orchard road in Singapore? Causeway Bay in Hong Kong? Yeah… Lots of people will then wake up and the machines will lose more power. It would be easier to fight the machines.

That’s about it. It’s as simple as that. I don’t even need 3 episodes of movie to finish off the machines. I just need to follow the steps that I mentioned above… and we would already be rave-partying inside Zion… like they always do – without having the need to sacrifice so many lives and properties.

I’m brilliant.

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November 2, 2003

“White Room” (2002)

It has been some time since I last clubbed. So, yesterday, I planned for a night out with the BODs (Board of Directors, my group of best of buddies) to rekindle our youth-hood.

But our plan had to be scrapped in the last minute when my friend Henry and his girl suddenly fell ill, and requested to go for something lighter. So, we went for a movie instead.

Apparently, Henry’s girl already had something in mind – it was a movie called “White House”. I was like – “What the fuck – White House???”. I certainly have never heard of that title before. Henry’s girl said that it was a new title, a Chinese horror movie that would scare the shit out of us and should be fun. But they were all untrue, as I later learned…

1) The movie is called “White Room”. Not White House.
2) It was not a Chinese movie. It was a Korean movie.
3) It was a horror movie alright, but it did not ‘scare the shit’ out of anyone.

I knew it was a fucking mistake then moment I set my foot into the cinema, as the first thing I noticed was – the movie was in Korean language. Now, think for a bit, why would a movie shown in Malaysia presented in Korean language?? I know there might be some Koreans or people that speaks Korean in Malaysia… but it would not be significant, not enough to even plot a revolt against a whorehouse.

We decided to stay on nevertheless, since we’ve already paid for the ticket, we’d just read the subtitles and see if it’s any good. 10 minutes after the movie started, an abnormally tall guy came in and took a seat right smack dab right in front of me. This guy… being tall for one thing, also sat so upright straight like a human sized dildo, with his big fucking head blocking the entire view of the lower half of the screen, obscuring the subtitles.

(If you don’t already know, our Malaysian cinema seats are not sloped appropriately between the rows to prevent viewing disruptions. If a dude decides to sit like a tin soldier, you’ll have to tilt your head to the side to be able to see the screen or you’ll end up watching his stupid head for the entire length of the movie.)

I was seriously pissed at that time. First, my plan for a good night out failed. Second, we chose to watch the wrong movie. And now third, I have this tall guy with a fucking dick head blocking my view. I was at the verge of having a homicidal rage. At one point, I actually lost my cool and gave a hard kick to the back of that bloke’s seat. The kick was hard enough to jolt the entire row of the seats… but the guy was oblivious about it. A group of teenagers who sat further down the same row however, felt the kick and started to glance over. Probably swearing and shit but, still the guy didn’t give a fuck about anyone. What an inconsiderate moron.

I had to tilt my head to the side and adjust myself multiple times just to get a proper view of the screen. It was a total turn off and that probably killed the mood to watch anything. And that’s probably why I thought the movie sucked. It has to be the worst movie ever. Bad seat, foreign language, bad plot and cheap effects. An utter failure.

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