Archive for the ‘movie reviews’ Category

May 29, 2004

“The Day After Tomorrow” (2004)

Someone dragged me to watch “The Day After Tomorrow” after my trip back from KL yesterday.

Maybe I was too freaking tired from the trip or something but, I actually found the movie SUCKED! If you haven’t already watched it, keep it that way! Avoid it at all cost! It does not worth even a pirated DVD… or even pirated camcorder recorded VCD.

The story’s about a scientist who had a theory about some global warming shit that won’t be happening for another 10,000 years or so. Apparently, he must be jinxed big time, because the shit happened right after he presented the theory to his colleagues and bosses.

And when everyone got panic and started to call him up… he decided to do the same thing as well – panic. Then the story got even more ridiculous, when he also conceived of a plan to save his son who happened to be in New York (who was after a girl he loves). The story then follows that scientist to walk from one end of a continent to the other in just a few days… to look for his son who was trapped in a fucking library (who wasn’t actually trapped at all). And after he had found his son, the fucking storm ended… and before you realized if it actually makes any sense, the movie ended…. just like that.

It couldn’t get any more preposterous than that, I tell you. It’s one of the worst movie I have ever seen. In this movie, no one on planet earth actually did anything (not that they could) about the hefty weather change… not even God I reckon. So, basically, those guys were just running around trying to look smart with a stupid plot.

Just… don’t watch it.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
May 15, 2004

“Troy” (2004)

Watched “Troy” last night. Ain’t really a Brad Pitt fan so… my review will be kind of biased for this movie.

1) My favorite male character in this movie would be Hector. Why Hector? Because I think he’s the only one with balls. Died defending his country with great honor… what more could one asks for? As for the rest, they died fighting for chicks. And that pretty much includes Archilles (Brad Pitt).

2) My favorite female character in this movie would be no other than Archilles’ mom… that old hag who gives shit ass opinion to his son while collecting sea shells. [Long pause…] Alright, I was just kidding… My favorite female character would of course be Helen. That Helen is sooooooo damn hot! The blue eyes… the cleavage… the smooth skin… Oh my god. If anyone has a link of Diane Kruger posing nekkid… kindly buzz me an email. The kindness would be greatly appreciated.

3) The battles scenes are cheesy. Not enough blood. The war in Troy looked more like a school gang fight when compared to The Lord Of The Rings. The producers could have focused the flick more on the battle scenes than the drama of heroes courting chicks. And the movie script also sucked.

4) The wooden horse sucked as well. And the thing doesn’t even look like it was made of wood. It looked more like it was made of discarded tires or something like that. The Trojans would have had second thought on hauling the ugly thing into their fortified city. And even more ridiculous was, they even bothered to haul it with logs. I mean… come on… we all know that the wooden horse of Sparta comes with its own wheels!

5) I was falsely made to believe that the Trojans are the one who had the signature “mohawk brush” on top of their helmets… (referring to a picture on a popular brand of soap powder). When I saw the Spartans wearing the “mohawk brush” helmet… it kinda made me confuse of who is who. But this has nothing to do with the movie… it was my own mistake.

6) The character Archilles — I seriously think they could have gotten a better person to take that role. Brad Pitt is too fucking short to be Archilles. Maybe they should get The Rock to do it. Nothing will go wrong if they hire The Rock… he’ll rip asses apart without mercy… and all the chicks in the movie would fall for him. There will be no war, because everyone loves The Rock.

7) The best part of the movie had to be the part where Hector slit Archilles’ retarded cousin’s throat. The poor guy was choking for breath… and I think that part looked very authentic and awesome.

Overall, the whole flick was practically goofy and preposterous. A great epic that got butchered by delinquents and untalented farts.

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May 10, 2004

“Van Helsing” (2004)

Watched “Van Helsing” on Friday night. Entertaining shit. Summarized comments :

1) Really liked that Mr.Hyde character in the beginning of the movie. The big guy reminded me of a friend’s father. You know, the distinctive features of excessive testosterone… big… fucking ugly. They made him looked strong and vicious… and so alive… and I actually imagined the guy having a breath reeked of cigar and Guinness Stout.

2) The Frankenstein monster… which has an uncanny resemblance to that plump Sam character in LOTR. Initially, when Dr.Frankenstein shouted “he’s alive”, I thought I would be expecting something real nasty… but only to discover later in the film that the monster actually had somekind of babyface .. and a lispy voice. This has got to be the lamest character in the flick.

3) Count Dracula – mentioning the name makes me think of a pervert looking vampire dude with a really cheesy hairstyle + tux… and often spotted with a shiny pair of Larry’s shoe. But in this movie, the Count has a lengthy hair with an earring. The Dracula character looked more like a pimp than a scary vampire.

4) Right, then come to the Harpies – the 3 wives of that pimp Dracula. They looked mean and ugly alright. With a mouth so big that they could fellate a whale’s dick. The design of these 3 characters are awesome. Only thing that I noticed about them – is that they don’t have nipples! Just like Cheetara in Thundercats! What the fuck??

5) Also noticed that all the female characters inside this movie have ravine deep cleavage. Flat chested women don’t seem to exist during that time… very thought provoking.

6) And then there was this Dr Frankenstein’s slave – Igor – who resembled Tommy Lee Jones in many ways. Heck, I even thought they were twins. This guy is a pure badass. A typical snob with no dignity. With a simple threat of cutting his fingers, he would change his standpoint from “No I wouldn’t” …to “Yes I would” – bad script and character planning.

7) The coolest part of the movie has got to be the moment when Hugh Jackman turned himself into a werewolf, and started to beat the shit out of the monster version of Dracula. Really liked the part where they were pile-driving each other crashing through everything in their path.

Not to mention countless of funny scripts that were perfectly fitted into some of the serious plots. Not bad at all.

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April 25, 2004

“Kill Bill” (2003)

I finally watched “Kill Bill” last night. I know it’s already a history now… but, just wanted to blog about it in case anyone gets even more jurassic than myself.

Well, one word describes it all – bloody. The violence… gore… the blood. Oh my god. I love this movie. The main cost of making this movie? Fake blood. Lots of them. It’s the main ingredient. Starring : Fake blood, Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu, etc.

Like a lot of other action movies do nowadays, this movie emphasizes on martial art actions. What’s an action movie without martial arts? Crap. Gone were the John Wayne era. In this movie, they hired Yuen Wo Ping — one of the famous martial arts director from HK – to choreograph for the stunts & fight scenes. That’s why, this flick looked very ‘kungfu-ish’. With flippings and all that.

Samurais don’t fight like this… they usually ride on horses and wield their swords with 2 hands… and would kill themselves over small matters. But, not in this movie. Uma waved her swords like loose limbed skanky bitch… mutilating any Japanese mobster that gets in the way…. and she single handedly killed approximately half the population of the Yakuzas… not quite logical but quite awesome. It makes “The Last Samurai” looked like a cooking show.

All distinctions aside, there were a couple of mistakes I’ve noticed though. The first one would be when she woke up from her 4 years coma. She recuperated her shrunken muscle in 13 hours (or was it 18? whatever) inside that Pussy Wagon. If she really took that long staying inside that wagon, 2 things would have happened.

1) she would suffocate. 13 hours inside an enclosed vehicle = suffocation. Period.
2) arrested by the authority. She killed 2 blokes inside a public hospital ward… do you think nobody would notice that? Please.

But no, instead of all that, she’s well and alive. Heck, she could even drive a 4 wheeler without any physiotherapy. That is simply not possible.

Another mistake is… in the movie — Uma was seen carrying a samurai sword inside the airplane. Now, we all know about the security level in airports… those fuckers won’t even let you bring a nail clipper into the plane… what more a 3 feet+ samurai sword? It just doesn’t make any sense. What were you thinking, Quentin??

But then, these are all small matters that can be overlooked. The main plot of the movie was revenge… not about messing with law enforcement officers or airport securities. Only terrorists do that. Overall, it was the fight scenes that took the cake… which I enjoyed very much. Can’t wait for the second episode.

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April 19, 2004

“Walking Tall” (2004)

Intended to watch “Super Sapiens” (aka Hellboy) on Saturday, but all shows were fully booked. So, I settled for The Rock movie — “Walking Tall”. Having known that it’s The Rock movie… it was understandable that the flick would contain a reasonable amount of ass kicking.

Well, it didn’t disappoint after all. The flick DID contain a lot of ass kicking. The Rock’s acting has improved somehow. I like his new hairstyle… and the way he ogled at girls. Gone were the days when he would tilt one side of his eyebrow to give that pervert look. Maybe he has finally discovered maturity after all.

Anyway, there were a few screw ups in this movie. The first of all, I would say, was that it lacked of gore in it. Having to see so much brute in an ex military dude biffing up triple x sized casino bouncers… what is violence without gore? I mean, they could have shown The Rock breaking arms and crushing balls (spurting testicals out on the pavement etc)… instead of those lame face punching stances.

The second noticeable screw up would be the female companion. Aww… gawd. The Rock hooked with a stripper. I mean, it would still be better if it were to be a good looking stripper. But the girl (don’t know her name) who was cast as The Rock’s bitch looked like a malnourished skanky drug addict that offers nothing more than bones full of pores (The Rock’s dog might like her). As if there wasn’t anyone else who was willing to take up that supporting role alongside The Rock. (that’s ridiculous, isn’t it?)

And then the length of the movie. Geez… it was barely reaching the 80 minutes mark. Have not even finished my popcorn… and the movie already ended. Felt like I was watching a heavily trimmed weekday matinee. You see… I was out on Saturday night for one fucking reason – that was to get away from home as late as possible. And this movie just spoiled that purpose. They could have added some family kidnap scenes in the movie… you know… or rape-his-girl part to get The Rock real pissed and more psyched up to kick more asses… just to add some substance to the plot, but noooo… it had to end that early. Fuck.

Anyway, having said all that, my verdict for this movie is – not quite the standard. Just get a pDVD.

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