Archive for the ‘movie reviews’ Category

September 2, 2004

“Predator” (1987)

You know, when I first watched “Predator” many years ago, I thought it was another one-man-army action movie with Arnold Sch#$%^&* whooping everyone’s ass. It was the trend in the movies realm back then – to have a half naked muscular dude running around killing everyone for his country.

Actors with huge biceps and muscular tits suddenly became stars… and they all seemed to have weird names – Slyvester Stallone, Dolf Lundgren, Arnold Sch… ok … I give up. Let’s call him Arnie (yeah, I know, that sounds like a sissy. Blame it on his hard-to-spell real name).

And I have to admit this – I was pretty fascinated with this kind of movie as a kid. Fire and explosion used to be as arousing as lecherous women does to me now. So, when the movie “Predator” started screening in the cinema, I was kinda expected it to be that kind of genre — you know, Arnie mowing asses into carcasses and becomes a celebrated hero.

Halfway through the movie, the story took a strange turn. Something out of my expectation. Out of nowhere, an invisible dude appeared and started snatching Arnie’s tough ass buddies into the jungle. The unexpected villain stupefied me, as I had never before seen a villain who could go invisible and make Arnie look like a goddamn loser.

That was how, in my humble opinion, the movie captivated it’s viewer’s heart. It was full of surprises and never-before-seen special effects. And the biggest break of the movie was – to find out that the villain was a freaking alien that could camouflage itself to an almost invisible stage… and it was fucking ugly like my Form 3 Maths teacher. That was soooooo out of my expectation.

Albeit there weren’t any computer graphics during that era, the movie was magnificently produced… and the outcome was very breathtakingly awesome. Everything… from the makeup to the special effects, was a detailed masterpiece and the storyline’s a classic. (The kick of the movie actually lies in the surprises, and that’s what made it so special.)

So, what’s my point? Alien versus Predator. If you already knew what is going happen in the movie, would you still have that kind of thrill as the original? I don’t think so. The idea’s so lame. You know what would be interesting? Alien having sex with Predator – now that would be something OUT OF OUR EXPECTATIONS. The porn world will never be the same ever again.

That’s why, I chose not to watch the new AVP movie. You guys let me know if it’s good after watching it.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
August 22, 2004

“The Sisters” (2004)

Went to watch a Thai horror flick last night titled “The Sisters”. It was a nice one, albeit the story’s a bit lame.

It was about a prostitute (whom in my humble opinion, looked like a transvestite) who was murdered by one of her customers when she was on her routine whoring activities one night. The guy who murdered her, tortured her a whole deal lot before beheading her. The psychotic dude then tied her head up inside the air conditioner duct, and left her body under a bed in a hotel room. And a very angry ghost was born – the one that was even bolder than a poltergeist and with an incorrigible hatred for males.

The grisly murder scene was very realistically done. The blood color was unbelievably real, and that piece of head didn’t look plastic at all. Nice.

The story then proceeded to focus on a group of youths, probably a rock band or something, who rented the same hotel room many months (or years) later. I took no notice of the time, as there was a motherfucker who sat so upright in front of me that his big stupid head blocked almost half the script (it was a Thai movie, I had to read the scrip to understand).

As expected, the group was damn unlucky to discover that they have a transvestite looking ghost up inside the air con duct and sometimes, under their bed. Quite exciting. And soon, each of them began to die one by one… each in their own freakish way, just like the movie Final Destination – only that their ambassador of death was a transvestite looking female ghost – who was not very coy in nature .. and would not hesitate to show her awful face in the public.

The real credit in my humble opinion, went to the death scenes, which were very realistic. Real blood is not actually red – but dark maroon with slight yellowish hue when it is being smeared. The flick complied that realistically. The design of the ghost? Not bad. It used the popular Asian elements in the art of ghost making. You know, plenty of green light… long hair… white robes, rags, etc. The only thing that they had done differently was the eerie looking contact lenses… plus some red veins around the ghost’s face – to add more ferocity to its face. Then there was also a ghost kid that would do occasional stray haunting, but he was just a static fuck and did no real harm. Then there was the other ghost sister, who made only less than 5 minutes worth of appearance in the whole length of the movie – who looked like Natalie Portman in her younger years.

It wasn’t a very scary movie, but still quite nice.

Some highlights when I was watching this movie :

– there was an idiot in front of me who sat damn upright that he blocked most of the script during the movie. I was not sure what was his problem but, it was sure hell annoying. I almost wanted to throw some ice cubes on his head to hint him but, I ran out of ice cubes.

– there was a rank blimp sitting next to me that smelled like a wet dog and always adjust his position. Each time he did that (adjust his position), the entire row of seats would shake like an earthquake (because he was too fucking heavy). I couldn’t give him an elbow because he’s about the twice of my size, exactly the type of person that nobody should mess with. I left him alone.

– there were 3 girls behind my row, that would shriek throughout ‘almost’ the entire movie. They would occasionally go “eeeeek !!!”, “eee-yeeerrr !!!”, “arrrrhhhh !!” and sometimes, some jerking due to the shock elements in the movie. Oh goddamn, it was so fucking funny. But they didn’t make it till the end, about halfway through the movie, they decided to quit and abandoned the cinema. The 3 girls quickly squirmed out from their seats and fled the cinema while one of them still ee-king. It triggered a massive laughter inside the cinema when they skedaddled across the cinema hall like a bunch of timid mice.

But one thing, the movie was shown in a home video format – because it wasn’t in wide screen format. What the fuck.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
August 15, 2004

“The Village” (2004)

*spoiler alert for the The Village. Read at your own discretion.

I watched “The Village” last night. What do I think of it? It was quite ok… although it didn’t turn out quite to be what I expected. The movie’s got a horror taste, but it wasn’t really a horror movie. Just like yourself kneading a pair of fake tits. It felt soft and tender like real ones… which was good, but in fact, you’re actually kneading a bag of silicone. Something like that.

The plot’s pretty simple. It was about a group of people who got pissed with the society so much, that they decided to move into a privately owned forest reserve (which belonged to one of the rich members whose rich dad got murdered by some villains). They built a village deep inside the forest isolating themselves from civilization… and made up some fictional shit about monsters that lurk in the woods — all that to ensure their children wouldn’t leave the village.

How? Well, they have this borderline that separates the village from the woods. The imaginary monster (which was uncreatively called referred by the villagers as “Those we do not fuck or mess up with”) sort of made a mutual truce with the villagers not to cross the border to the opposite side, else, they would kill and rape all their livestocks… and then would turn the villagers into meatballs.

Cool eh? That’s where the suspense was. The audience were made to believe that the movie was all about monsters that lurk around in the woods to make the villagers’ lives miserable. But then, as I have mentioned above, all these monsters shit were made up by the elders in the village – so, there weren’t actually any real monsters in the flick. But there were a few scenes where the alleged fake monster made some appearances – which was actually acted out by one of the elders themselves. (and the latter one by one of the insane dude).

How did the fake monster look like ? It wasn’t elaborated in the movie. There was only one particular scene where the face of the fake monster was actually shown – and it was a wild boar mask with long fingernails. But I think it looked more like Splinter – you know, the giant mutant rat that taught the Ninja Turtles how to fight.

But then, interesting as it may be, I still have some comments about the movie’s storyline :

– the village was started out by a group of like… a dozen people. But inside the village, the population was like 50 – 100 (estimated). Does that mean, the elders have been fucking each other and reproduce like a bunch of horny rabbits?

– wouldn’t it be much easier to install a high voltage electric fence around the village to make sure that their children don’t loiter beyond the woods (instead of making up the monster stories)?

– ok, since the owner of the park was so rich, he could actually hire a few Banglas to act as those monsters full time… instead of depending on themselves, right? The Banglas need no mask nor long fingernails. Their face are scary enough… and their odor alone could cause hazard.

A lot of open ends … Definitely a disappointment to those who expected it to be a scary movie. But I kind of enjoyed it.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
August 6, 2004

“Kill Bill: Vol. 2″ (2004)

I just watched Kill Bill volume 2, and I’m about to reveal how the movie fared compared to the first one. And there will be a lot of spoilers ahead. So, please… stop right here if you feel like discovering the movie yourself….

Alright, the first spoiler that I’m gonna reveal is — Bill dies at the end. Surprise!

Ok, seriously, Kill Bill volume 1 was one of the best American action movie I’ve ever seen. Kill Bill volume 2? Sucked big time. Not only it didn’t have much of its signatory fake blood but, the second installment has somewhat turned into some kind of a soap opera. Watching “Frazier” would’ve been much more entertaining than this movie. Goddamn… I felt so cheated !

Sacrificing my Friday night, got my snacks ready and was in my comfortable attire – and all I fucking got was a drama queen settling her score by TALKING. Yeah, you heard me right, there were a lot of TALKING in this movie. No more action packed mass slicing… no more slopping of fake blood. Just a lot of talking. The Black Mumba plotted her revenge by having lots of discussion and cheesy style talk — sounds like a corporate manager to me.

Here’s the list of disappointments I manage to observe :

– there were 2 Hattori Hanzo swords featured in this movie (compared to only 1 in Kill Bill vol 1). And none of them killed anyone. A major turn off.

– Beatrix (Uma Thurman) survived a point blank shotgun blast. I’m pretty sure our Malaysian bank robbers wanted to know how the fuck did she manage to pull that stunt. Logic went wrong.

– Bill (the villain boss that is…) uncannily resembled my car salesman. You know, the one who sold me Lorraine. He looked like someone who can’t kill a cat for no shit. Let alone being the leader of a killer squad. Bad casting.

– Beatrix’s child survived. Apparently, Bill kept her daughter all these while. That means, Bill knew she wasn’t dead. If she wasn’t dead, Bill would’ve made sure she was… but apparently, that did not happen. Instead, Bill raised the child (whom he revealed at the end of the film – that he thought it belonged to the stupid guy she was about to marry)… and waited for her to plot her revenge. That’s very wise for a “murdering bastard”. Bad story planning.

– Gordon Liu appeared twice in Kill Bill. First appearance as the squad 88 leader (or something like that) … and second appearance as the old fart Pai Mei (who defied gravity). What the fuck? Were they out of cast or something? Or was it that Gordon Liu wanted to do some Eddie Murphy shits? Why don’t he act Bill as well? Again, bad casting.

– When the Budd guy poured some ice blended drink to Elle, he only poured like 1/4 full for each glass. But when the Elle bitch held up the glass to drink it, the content inside the glass magically became more than half full. It was a blatant mistake that could be spotted easily.

I can go on forever like this. The movie was a flop. Not even 10% as good as the first one. If you plan to watch this in the theater, don’t. Think about it, why they didn’t ban Kill Bill 2 like they banned the first one. That’s because it’s a fucking soap opera … that’s why. Ugh.

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July 24, 2004

“I, Robot” (2004)

I didn’t blog yesterday because I wasn’t at home. My office had blocked the use of blogger so, I kinda have to blog from home now.

So, where did I go last night? I went to watch “I,Robot”. Not bad… a few comments though (warning- I don’t give a shit about letting out spoilers… such as Will Smith is a 1/4 robot…, so, fucking read at your own discretion..):

– the computer animated graphics weren’t really good. The robots ran like wimps and didn’t really look scary enough. I think they have to spend more time rendering, instead of rushing for datelines. Maybe lack of funds…

– The new NS-5 robot looks shitty. Why the human eyes and face ? It just doesn’t make sense. If we ever wanted our robots to look like human, well, we could have hired Filipino maids or Bangladeshi’s. Much cheaper. (side note: the NS-5 robot also uncannily resembled our Penang’s chief minister’s face)

– I noticed that the NS-5 domestic helper robots could climb walls, somersault, kick asses, basically – able to perform any stunts that mimics Jet Li or Jackie Chan – too much for a domestic helper, don’t you think?

– The evil artificial intelligent boss (VIKI) created NS-5 robot with remarkable agility with a sinister plan to take over the world. If that thing’s so intelligent, why didn’t it make the robots bulletproof as well? That doesn’t sound very intelligent to me…

– In the movie, there was this solution of microscopic robots that was used to destroy robotic system or something, forgot what it’s called. The boss actually kept this solution in the same building with her (yes, the boss’ a female artificial intelligent character). Knowing that this could be dangerous… wouldn’t it make more sense if the thing were to destroy the solutions to eliminate any possibility of it being gotten into the wrong hands? Why keep it and have it conveniently reachable by a hero who has shitloads of plans to thwart of your plans to take over the world?

But then, storyline was not at all bad. There were some twists to it. At least it was not just any cheesy plot to destroy the world and some dude prevented it with his heroic one-man-army attitude. If I were to be asked to give a rating to this flick, I would have given it a 6 out of 10 marks – just because I liked that Audi car…

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