Archive for the ‘movie reviews’ Category

March 13, 2005

“Saw” (2004)

A few weeks ago, as I moped around one of the pirated DVD outlet in a local mall, my eyes suddenly caught a title that pretty much aroused my attention. It’s called “Saw”. No, not “I SAW my neighbour porking a buffalo’s ass”‘s SAW… This SAW … means the blade with jagged tooth that we use to cut something up … like your mongoloid’s boss’s car bumper.

Pretty simple but nasty title. Sort of gave me an impression that it’s a movie about some psychotic dude going postal in a quiet neighbourhood with a chainsaw cutting up teenager’s tits and dicks, and make them into burgers or something. I took a look at it’s cover for a confirmation, fair enough, it was embellished with blood stains and screenshots of gore … and I immediately added it into my cart (there wasn’t actually any cart there but, just to give you an idea that I am on a pirated DVD shopping spree that day…) along with a few cool titles like Blade III and The Incredibles (as collection).

So how was that movie ? Hmmmm… below expectations. Like most modern horror movies, it has it’s fair share of lame plots. But overall, the concept and storyline is kinda unique by itself. The movie actually did not have any pissed off psychotic dude going postal in it. Instead, we have a calm & enigmatic character masterminding tricks and riddling puzzles for it’s victims (that encompasses assholes and dickheads like our bosses …) to solve… which if they fail, they’re gonna have to pay with a horrible death. Quoting one of the detectives in the movie – the villain didn’t actually kill the victims himself, but merely arrange for them to kill each other in a game of death.

Well, the movie focusses on 2 guys who got trapped in the latest version of the deathly game – whom both of them were shackled in a squalid looking toilet, clueless of what’s happening to them. Like an adventure game in the PC console, the movie would then bring you from plot to plot, how these 2 blur victims managed to uncover clues that was deceitfully laid towards their death for them… and their efforts to escape.

During one of the escape attempts, suddenly, the villain froze up the whole room with his magical time-stop spell (like those in Advanced Dungeons and Dragons) … and summoned some yellow-colored nasty little annoying critters to eat them up …. which they marauded the scene with an appearing/disappearing acts (teleportation spell ? holy fuck !) ..emitting high pitched squeaks as they menaced around … and then, my DVD player locks up and stopped.

Those nasty little critters are actually the common static errors you usually see when you got a fubar-ed disc (*fubar – fucked up beyond all recognition). Though I am a bit mad and cussed a lot during the bummer, I ain’t really complaining. Situations like this are very common for pirated DVDs … So, I got back to the outlet for an exchange, and only managed to finish that movie today.

Alright, having watched the remaining 30 minutes’ worth of ending, here’s what I managed to conclude about this movie

– the gore factor is only mediocre. Heck, I didn’t see any brain tissues or somebody’s bladder on this film … only blood. Blood is so cliche nowadays… the public’s craving for more.
– the storyline’s kinda tricky… full of flashbacks and tricky plots – which makes it …lame. Like I’ve mentioned before, horror movies shouldn’t focusses too much on storyline.
– the movie could have been better with a tit scene in it. Not really a compulsory but, as a bonus.
– they could have dumped in more budget for this film, hire more convincing actors. Like ‘The Rock’. Then chip in some scene of him breaking somebody’s head with a flick of his knuckles. (Not just some shitty actors crying like a sissy inside a toilet awaiting death.)
– the title’s a bit misleading. The only “saw” I’ve noticed in this movie is 2 metal blade saws… which was commonly used to cut galvanized steel pipes. One of the victims foolishly used it to cut his own feet – which I think, has nothing to do with the main plot of the film at all. This movie should be called “Sick Bastards” instead.
– the ending’s too brief and simple. It just showed that the real villain has all along been feigning as a corpse lying inside that filthy toilet disguised in a mask. He just got up and gave the remaining guy an “April Fool” look and closes the fucking door… and that’s it. Too simple. Even “Sesame Street” has got Big Bird and Elmo waving goodbye with melodramatic fading music.

It’s just another horror movie DVD for high school students.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 18 Comments
November 27, 2004

“Alexander” (2004)

Watched “Alexander” last night. How would I describe it? 2 words – VERY GAY. That’s right, the goddamn hero of the movie – Alexander – is gay.

If you do not know what I meant, well, allow me to be a little bit blunt here – Alexander the Great sucks dick, fucks a guy’s anus and licks man-titties. Yes, be very disappointed.

Make no mistake, this is not a gay porn. It’s a movie about Alexander’s life – from the day he was a baby till the day he dies – all cramped into 3 hours of ass numbing epic. An epic about his arrogance, his thirst for greatness and most of all, his confusion about his own destiny.

The movie would be a lot more better, if
1) it focuses more on his “Greatness”
2) it has more battle scenes than those gay moments
3) the cast of Alexander were to be played by someone taller and more aggressive – like The Rock or Triple H.
Colin Farrell looks more like a very sick kid in a hospital ward than any warrior. But for the gay scenes, he’s definitely doing a very good job. It disturbed me to my very bone.

Yes, I felt very disturbed about the gay scenes. The movie’s like propagating some kind of message that promotes homosexuality, that it’s ok to get confused about your own sexuality and that we can fuck whatever we want as long as it’s fuckable … and get to be a cool warrior at the same time.

Well, they could have possibly added Alexander doing drugs as well, if it’s not for the time factor (as there’s no heroin back a few hundred years BC).

Kids watching this movie will get an impression that Alexander is a very successful gay bastard (who has a hot mom and an asshole father) – which I think, is not very right. Alexander’s suppose to be a great conqueror, even if he’s gay, they should have cut the part off, you know, this is a movie – not a history lesson. Movies are suppose to be entertaining.

The script’s corny as well, I remember one particular scene where Alexander’s barbarian bride actually saw him mouthing one of his lifelong gay partner, named Hepatitis or something, got shocked beyond recognition and later said this lame line to Alexander

“You… loved him ?”
“No.. he’s … Hepatitis” (or something like that)

Oh fuck, come one, what would be the first thing a woman shout if she discovers her husband’s mouthing another guy who looks better than herself ? Definitely not “You … loved him ?”

And I’ve also noticed, that none of the actresses in the movie look good (save for the group of harems inside the Babylon palace and Alexander’s collagen lipped mom – played by Angelina Jolie). I don’t know why.

A hero should have at least one good looking bitch beside him and also a compulsory intimate scene where the hero get to squeeze some tits and hump that good looking bitch. It’s written in the stars.

But instead, we get to see Alexander flirting with skinny men and his man-bitch – Hepatitis (or something, can’t remember his name). So very gay.

If you’re expecting a good epic with awesome battles, you’ll be disappointed, big time. If you’re a homosexual tard, then this movie should be your cup of tea.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 25 Comments
November 8, 2004

“The Grudge” (2004)

I bet everyone knew what the hell Ju-On is. Everyone except me. I have always thought Ju-On was another annoying Korean horror movie that could not even scare a 90 year old grandma with hole-in-the-heart problem. But I was so wrong. It was actually an annoying Japanese horror movie, that could not even scare a 100 year old grandma with hole-in-the-heart/spleen/bladder problem !

Well, I didn’t know that initially. That’s why, I hauled my ass to watch The Grudge – a western adaptation of the original Ju-On starring Sarah Michelle Gangbang and Bill Gates (cmon, you guys should already know who the actors/actresses are).

According to some of my buddies who had already watched Ju-On, they said these 2 movies are exactly identical, save for the cast of a few actors/actresses. So, I guess for those who have already watched the original Ju-On, they will find themselves in some kind of Twilight Zone situation — those goddamn ghosts doing some deja-vu haunting shit for different type of races. First the Japanese, then the Americans. I foresee this will be followed by Afghans, Africans, Thais, Malaysians, Singaporeans, those lizards on Kodomo Lion Island. Goddamn, Ju-On’s gonna have a fucking world tour!!

Alright alright, jokes aside. This movie, is a complete deviation from the classic American horror movie. It’s all about Asian ghosts, freaking out (and killing) American people – in this case, it’s Buffy – a well known vampire slayer. The storyline’s kinda ok, but again, like I’ve previously ranted on other horror movies, there seems to be a lot of inexplicable human stupidity involved. Here is some of the highlights :

1) When the old lady that you’re suppose to look after (an assignment from a charity body) is a freak, and you hear strange noises from the attic in her not-so-brightly lit haunted house, what would you do?
A : Scream and get the fuck out of the house
B : Get the fuck out of the house and scream.
C : Scream, get the fuck out of the house, and scream louder.
D : Go up the attic with nothing but a lighter to check the noise out.

Unfortunately, the cute Japanese girl character chose option D and got herself killed. She’s the first victim of Ju-On in that movie. Served her right. Somebody tell me she isn’t stupid.

2) When you see a black shadow (with big fiery eyes and horrifying cry) creeping out from a freaky old lady’s bed, what would be your best idea that darn thing is?
A : A black colored ghost
B : A negro ghost
C : A ghost covered with black pubic hair.
D : You think it’s ‘something not right’.

Sarah Michelle Gangbang thinks it’s option D. It’s everything but a ghost. And she’s scared. I wonder, why can’t she just say “THE HOUSE’S FUCKING HAUNTED AND THERE ARE SHITLOADS OF GHOST IN THERE !”. Somebody tell me she isn’t stupid.

3) When you see a blood drenched Japanese girl schlepping in your workplace lobby like a zombie, in the middle of the night, and she’s not naked, what would you do?
A : Scream and get the fuck out of the building
B : Get the fuck out of the building and scream.
C : Scream, get the fuck out of the building, and scream louder.
D : Walk towards the zombie, confirm if it’s blood drenching from her body, and ask if she’s alright.

The charity center supervisor, which was a guy, chose option D, and got himself smoked in a pretty nasty manner. Somebody tell me, this guy isn’t a retard.

So basically, the haunting would get more and more awesome just because of these stupid people kept hitting a boner. It’s that simple.

How was the special effects? The same old Asian way of doing it — a few inches thick of white foundation on the face, assload of mascara, long hair and a compulsory white robe. Got a few scenes lit with green or blueish lighting that put up the effect of eery ambience. Chintzy.

Then there’s this Toshio ghost kid. He just put on some really thick layer of white powder on his face and open his mouth wide agape. I was kinda freaked the first time I saw the ghost kid, because I’ve never seen a kid that could open his mouth so big. Could even swallow a helmet, no shit. Now, imagine the kid doing this while looking at your crotch. Sheeesh … *goosebumps.

So, how would I rate this movie ? Well, it would score a distinction only if
1) you haven’t watched Ju-On or have no idea what Ju-On is…
2) you’re a female or someone who’s effeminate in nature.
3) you’re a fan of Sarah Michelle Gangbang.
4) you have holes in your heart.

Otherwise, it’ll just be as entertaining as watching people killing themselves by doing stupid things.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
September 27, 2004

“Pontianak Sundal” (2004)

Watched “Pontianak Sundal Something Something” last night. My darn sister bought the original VCD – that doesn’t carry any subtitles (told ya original sux). Which means, I’ll have to depend on my long lost knowledge of the forbidden language to understand it. (*pontianak = it’s a female vampire from Malaysian folklore)

Normally, I don’t fancy Malay movies. I only watched 2 Malay movies before in my whole life.

1) Orang Minyak – starred by the late P.Ramlee. Watched it when I was a kid. Interesting movie for my standard at that time. It’s about some psychotic dude that goes around the village raping middle aged housewives. And he looked like Spiderman in black. Naked.

2) Bukit Kepong – a movie that was shown repeatedly on TV when there wasn’t any satellite reception back then. It was about a bunch of Japanese farts that mowed down a whole village of rookie soldiers (including housewives and kids). Kinda nice. It would be better with more violence and colors.

So, this “Pontianak Sundal Something Something”… big deal. Won a few awards recently at Spain. And I guess that’s why I was so eager to check it out. My third Malay movie.

My verdict ? Avoid this movie at all cost. Not worth even a pirated VCD. It’s really ‘sundal’. Which means, it sucks. The movie was edited in such a frivolous way that I didn’t even know what was going on one scene to the next. Goddamn.

A few summarized comments :

1) The pregnant heroine turned into a pontianak after she was murdered (she’s a heroine because she’s hot). But her maid didn’t (she was murdered too). So, does that mean, if one were to be murdered when pregnant, she would turn into a super powerful pontianak? And if that’s the case, why Sharon Tate did not turn into a pontianak to smoke Charles Manson’s ass ?

2) It seems like the pontianak (in the movie) was a crazy fuck. When she was resurrected as a pontianak, she went around killing everyone except the villain who murdered her. Kinda ironic, isn’t it ?

3) Alright, my perception of the pontianak is – a female vampire. And we all know that vampires suck blood. They’re gonna need fangs to do the job. This pontianak sundal, she didn’t have any fangs (just a pair of great tits). She killed her victims by using her pair of wolverine like claws. Zweek zwekk… scream… and that’s it. Cheesy.

4) The design of the pontianak was not impressive enough. It’s still the same old asian ghost design. Long hair, white robes and some very thick powder on the face. And in this movie, the pontianak even sported a pair of eyes with a very bad case of conjunctivitis. Made my eyes watery at certain point. Ma fuck.

5) I was confused who was who in the movie. The script was confusing. The flick was badly edited. Obviously, the director is a Stephen King wannabe. (and Stephen King sux).

I reckoned that the movie will be way better if it focuses more on the haunting of a pontianak instead of trying to cramp storyline, haunting and stephen king elements in it. But then, having won so many awards, how much better could the director ask for?

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September 26, 2004

“New Police Story” (2004)

Went to watch New Police Story on Friday. Got ourselves some free tickets. Apparently, when Luis went to buy the tickets, the girl behind the counter mistakenly thought he had paid her a 100 ringgit bill (which he didn’t). She printed out our tickets and even gave Luis the change. And those were 6 orchestra seat tickets, what the fuck, heheh.

Ok, what did I think of the movie? I don’t know – let’s just say, the movie was a deviation from the original Police Story trilogy. Instead of having traditional badass looking villains, the director hired a few kiddies from a nearby McDonalds to star in it. To save some cost I guess.

Jackie Chan starred as Wing, a middle aged super cop that was fucked in the ass right from the beginning by a bunch of prepubescent looking thugs. Those teenage thugs were a bunch of rich kids that led a double profile – day time as a normal person, and night time as a bunch of psychotic criminals that has the penchant of yelling “wooooo !!”.

The movie began with that bunch of teenage thugs pulling a night time robbery in a high rise building and mowed down a whole team of cops that responded to the scene with some high powered automatic rifles. And that prompted Wing the Super Cop to take over the case. He sort of bragged that he would bring those criminals to justice within moments of the massacre – which was his main mistake for being too confident.

Then, with some magical ways, Wing managed to trace down the thugs to an abandoned warehouse. Instead of leading an entire army of police force to burn the whole place down, Wing the Super Cop led a team of young & inexperienced rookie police boys to do the job. But what he did not realize was, those thugs weren’t just any ordinary thugs (even having known that those thugs killed so many cops). Those thugs were in fact, a bunch of avid gamers (that was so scary), and that gift gave them the advantage to set some really wicked traps inside the warehouse to cream Wing’s ass.

That was how Wing lost all his teammates (including his faggot brother in law). But then, for some odd reasons, those teenage thugs did not kill him. Instead, they blew up a portion of the place to freak Wing up… and made him a useless alcoholic. I reckoned that all these were properly planned so that Wing the Super Cop could have a second chance to retaliate. (or else, the title would have to be changed to Teenage Thugs Story).

Fast forward one year, Wing was still a drunk fuck. During one of his drunken moments, when he was puking his bile out in an alley, suddenly he was shadowed by a youngster that looked like another McDonald’s part timer. He was Nicholas Tse, which hailed the name PC584003 (I forgot the number, so I made up one) and he rescued Wing from the alley before he got raped by a bunch of horny stray cats. Nicholas looked kinda cool at first, until a couple moments later, I saw him mopping Wing’s apartment floor. His reputation instantly went down a few notches in my impression book.

The rest of the story was pretty predictable, you know, PC584003 inspired Wing to wake up from his alcoholic sleaze and work his way to arrest those bunch of teenage thugs. Not much intelligent plots, and the movie would reach to its grand finale. The way Wing defeats those bunch of teenagers was pretty cheesy I would say. He actually did it by calling their parents into a robbery scene – which made those teenage thugs panic and went ballistic. Afraid of their moms’ nagging I guess.

The only thing that I really enjoyed about this movie was the hand-to-hand combat scene, which I think was pretty cool. Jackie Chan’s already 51, and he still got the moves. Now imagine your dad fights like that. Other than that, it’s just an ordinary musty Hong Kong flick, nothing special.

But then, for free, who am I to complain?

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