Have you ever been in a situation where you wanted to catch a flick at the cinema, but had a hard time choosing what to watch because you’ve never heard any of the titles? That was my dilemma yesterday. My wife and I had a few hours to kill and we didn’t know what to watch. I ended up choosing “Ninja Assassin” because, you know, the title sounded kind of rad (albeit a bit tacky). I used to be fascinated with ninjas as a kid, and I figured, a flick with with the words ‘ninja’ and ‘assassin’ in its title would provide some decent amount of entertainment, right? Well, how wrong was I.

This flick feels like a cheap B-grade work, although one can tell that some decent effort has been put to make it look good. Amidst the CGI fake blood and gravity defying stunts, the flick still fails to deliver any form of excitement I expect from a martial art flick. In fact, it doesn’t even look like a ‘martial art’ flick. The way they presented the ninjas to possess the kind of superhuman abilities (ability to warp through space at light speed, dodge bullets, disintegrate into thin air, and self heal like Wolverine in the X-Men), it looks more like a sci-fi fantasy flick. And if this is a sci-fi fantasy flick, then goddamn – it sucks even more ass! Because expectations on the CGI front would be even higher!

And in case one is wondering, there isn’t much of a plot either. Worse still, the script is also cheesy and the actions bore to the bone. There are just a lot of chaotic flippings and camera shaking effects. Most of the time, I can’t tell who is fighting who (like “Transformers”) and lost about what is happening to the storyline in between the panning. I guess the only probable good thing about the flick is the amount of sweaty pecs shown by the hero, who is played by a popular ah kua Korean boyband singer or something like that (his pecs are even on the poster…), which might appeal to some needy ladies or ‘unstraight’ guys out there. Other than that, I think it’s a total waste of time. (So to say, I really ‘killed’ some time there…)

2/10

I have not been to the cinema since the first “Transformers” movie. With some time to kill, I decided to catch ‘2012′ yesterday. Like ‘Transformers’, the only thing I really enjoyed inside the cinema yesterday, was the caramel glazed popcorn. Boy how I missed the popcorn.

I don’t know if this is just me but, the movie’s not really that good. It has tonnes of cool special effects, no shit… but that’s about it. I’m surprised this movie was not directed by Michael Bay. It sure hell looked like his work. Senseless effects with not much of a story. You know, the prophecy… the black president… the grim farewell speech… the humanity get-together to face the odds… Boring.

And of course, a fair share of preposterous plots. Here’s a couple of them I manage to randomly pick

- comical airplane maneuver
The hero’s airplane seems to be able to take off from cracked and uneven runways (twice in the movie)… in spite of the crazy ass tremors, volcanic eruptions, proximity of the pyroclastic flow, etc. Also, hero’s airplane could fly through volcanic ash, which is technically speaking, impossible. The plane’s engine will choke, and the ash is gonna sandblast the whole plane until it goes down.

- bionic body
The people inside the ark were soaked with tsunami sea water that washed through the snow at Himalayas, which must be at sub zero temperature. Instead of dying of hypothermia, the wet people of the party boat were as animated as excited alcohol laden teenagers in a pool party. The people in 2012 must have bionic abilities to withstand that kind of temperature.

And many more. The whole movie’s like that. It’s like watching road runner and the coyote show. Everything is so fucking coincident and everyone’s unbelievably lucky. I’d definitely enjoy the movie if I’m a 6 year old but alas, I’m not so… it’s a waste of my money. (ticket’s 10 bucks! fuck that’s expensive!) 4/10.

This is a very depressing and emotional flick – quite contrary from what the title might suggest. I was expecting it to be a ‘Rocky’ style gritty tale about some wrestler fighting the odds to the top, but it appears to be quite the opposite. It was about a tale of a professional wrestler (the ‘entertainment’ type) who had been to the top, fighting the harsh reality to not stay at the bottom.

Bitten by old age and waning popularity, Randy “The Ram” Robinson (the wrestler, played by Mickey Rourke) finds life is not quite the same as it used to be for him. He is part time wrestling, and full time struggling to make ends meet. His daughter hates him, and he hasn’t got a family. All he has are a bunch of wrestler friends and a stripper he likes at a club. Then one day, after a straining routine at the ring, he gets a heart attack and everything comes crashing down on him when the doctor tells him he can’t wrestle again. And the flick goes on to tell the viewer about how getting old can be such a bitch if you don’t have a plan for yourself.

The plot’s simple and engaging. It doesn’t have much dialog. A lot of times, the viewer is brought around The Ram’s life by following him from behind as a second person, just like a documentary (minus the shaking though). It has been some time since I saw a movie this good. Thoroughly enjoyed it. And oh, as a bonus, they threw in a few titty scenes too. The Ram’s stripper love interest was played by Marissa Tomei, whose perky tits – despite being at 40 years old – are still as amazing as any adolescent chick’s. This alone already makes it better than that successful quasi Bollywood flick – “Slumdog Millionaire”.

8/10.

There was already a hype going around about this flick before I watched it – that it was one of the best martial arts action flick EVARR. I was then like ‘Uh oh’, that’s not going to be good because, if you use the word ‘EVARR’, then that shit has to be top notch good… and with expectations set THAT high, things tend to disappoint.

And as I reckoned… it didn’t cut the cake. I mean, it wasn’t bad per se, but, it didn’t live up to the expectation that it is one of the best EVARR. Sure enough, Donnie Yen delivered a never before solid performance (he was Christian Bale good), and the fight choreography was impressive. But it was the plot that ruined the whole thing.

I don’t know if it’s just me but, do you guys notice that there has been like, a fucking dozen martial art flicks out there that went with the ‘beat-the-Japanese’ theme? I understand this is to placate the Chinese audience but, do we really have to do this so fucking often? This is as hackneyed as what the Hindustans did with their train fights and groupie dances. I mean, come on, can’t these people come up with a better and more intelligent plot at all? Something new? Something fresh? Hello?

If you were to ask me, I’d say the “Once Upon A Time in China” franchise was a better watch. The fights might not look as good as contemporary action flicks but, they’re still way more superior as a package. They were with much more surprises and interesting plots (also, check out the “Swordsman” franchise). Those are the best. “Ip Man” however, is definitely not in that ‘EVARR’ league. 6/10 (only for the action, nothing else)

I am never a fan of Japanese manga. Too fucking emo and shit for me. And besides, I don’t understand Japanese and I absolutely hate dubbed audios (though it doesn’t make any fucking difference for animated characters).

But “Afro Samurai” is different. The first time I saw it, I immediately fell in love with its styles and stuff. Over the top violence and gore… Exaggerated poses and maneuvers. I immediately knew this is my kind of shit. Remember those nice short animated manga in “Kill Bill” with blood jetting out of mutilated bodies? Afro Samurai is many times more violent than that. That’s why I love it.

“Afro Samurai: Resurrection”, despite being the first full length movie ever released, does not have a standalone plot. It is somewhat a continuation from a 5-episodes-series released back in 2007. That means, you’ve got to watch the 5-episodes-series to be able to fully grasp what the fuck’s going on in “Afro Samurai: Resurrection”.

The plot revolves around the life of Afro Samurai (voiced by Samuel L. Jackson), a samurai warrior of African descent, and 2 head bands – the No.1 head band, a much coveted prize of being the most awesome samurai ever existed (almost godlike), and the No.2 head band, the only headband that allows a samurai who possesses it to challenge the No.1 title. Sort of confusing but, one really needs to watch the 5 episodes to understand (email me if you want to know where to download the 5 episodes). Afro Samurai, who possesses the No.1 head band (explained in the 5 episodes) and a semi-retired peaceful life, one day got his ass creamed by a band of villains (who had a long violent history with him – again, explained in the 5 episodes) and lost his No.1 head band, is then forced to become the cold blooded killer he once was, to cut through countless of foes that stand in his path, to get the No.2 head band, and then seek to save his dead ‘father’ from being resurrected by the villains (again, one has to cross reference back to the 5 episodes to understand what’s the deal with his father).

A gripping and action packed flick – teeming with gory violence, foul language and unbelievably detailed graphics. But then still, in my humble opinion, the 5 episodes rawked even harder. I consider this a ‘toned down’ version of the 5-episodes-series (probably to go easy on the ratings), that features deeper plots and more badass battles. Notwithstanding being a little bit floppier than the series, the “Afro Samurai: Resurrection” is still one of the most enjoyable full length animated films I’ve ever watched… 7/10 (I’d give the series 8/10 though…)