Archive for the ‘mails/posts’ Category

October 12, 2007

I speakeh Enguhlish

I sent an email to a vendor asking for a technical report last week. The correspondent was a Chinese lady of unknown age. After much deliberation, she finally replied my request today…

Dear Michael:
This is the report , still have one pcs not complete , I ‘ll give you asap.
Any question please touch me.
Thanks

I think she’s horny, but I have no question for her.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 7 Comments
August 21, 2007

I’m working with retards

I requested for a heatsink for one of my lab computers last week. As usual, I was made to go through shitloads of paperwork to get that paltry 5 dollar part. Come today, one week post my official request – the heatsink was still nowhere to be found (normally, it would take only a couple of days). That was when I send an email to check with our Inventory Control (IC) department (the same department that The Gimp works in – if you can remember him), on what the hell’s going on here…

From : Ooi, Michael
To : [IC guy #1]; [IC guy #2]; [some manager from other department]
Cc : [IC manager #1]; [IC manager #2]
Subject : [XXXXX]

All

May I ask what happened to this part I requested?
From the form, it seems that the part has been physically pulled – but I have yet to receive the part…

Kindly advise.

I may sound like a very innocent guy in that mail… but that was just me trying to be courteous and shit. In actual fact, I was somehow pissed, because all it takes for those bums to approve my fucking heatsink was just a couple clicks of buttons in the electronic form – I could have gotten the heatsink on the very same day had they been a wee tad more efficient.

Exactly 7 minutes later, I received a reply from IC department…

From : [IC guy #2]
To : Ooi, Michael; [IC guy #1]; [some manager from other department]
Cc : [IC manager #1]; [IC manager #2]
Subject : RE: [XXXXX]

Hi Michael,

I was called up you few times on yesterday afternoon but nobody pick up the call.
Kindly please print out the [electronic form]and issue the part from the [some location that I have no idea], beside that contact IC guy #1 (ext# XXXX) or IC guy #3 (ext# XXXX) to verify the physical part and paste on the IC sticker.
Thanks.

Best Regards,

IC guy #2
Inventory Control
Email: Ayam_a_retard@companyX.com
Direct Line: XXXX
Fax No: XXXX
* Challenges Used to Improve Our’s Strength

I had to fucking read a few times to understand that gibberish on his email (check his signature quote out… pfftt. I bet he filched that off some graffiti he found at a Chinese elementary school toilet somewhere…).

It seems that IC guy was trying to put the blame on me for the delay… you know, simply because he wasn’t smart enough to relay a message to me? Yeah.

Being a nice guy I am, I replied courteously again…

From : Ooi, Michael
To : [IC guy #2]; [IC guy #1]; [some manager from other department]
Cc : [IC manager #1]; [IC manager #2]
Subject : RE: [XXXXX]

IC guy #2,
My bad, for being so busy and not at my desk – I apologize.
But you could have left me a voicemail or sent me an email – I’m sure you know what they are.

Anyway, I’ll work out with IC guy #1 to get the part. Thanks for the info.

Michael Ooi
Failure Analysis – Company X.
Direct Line : XXXX
Direct Fax: XXXX
*”You don’t win friends with salad” — Homer Simpson*

I’m not even sure if he gets my crudely veiled sarcasm. But anyway, it’s there for the record and for his managers to appreciate.

Retards, they’re here and everywhere. It makes me feel like I’m surrounded by aquariums full of dugongs… everything’s fat and in slow motion and job never gets done…

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 10 Comments
November 1, 2006

A plea for a noble deed

Found this mail in my inbox today

From: Muhammed Al-hakim [mulal@inmail24.com]
To: Michael Ooi
Date: Nov 1, 2006 3:15 PM
Subject: A plea for a noble deed

Dear Friend,
As you read this, I don‘t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is Muhammed Al-hakim a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E. I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself) but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give also to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.

So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.

I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Isreal, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.

The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of fifteen million dollars $15,000,000,00 that I have with a Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit stashed in a diplomtic box and dispatche it to the less priviledged and hungry.I am failing in health and i have been restricted to a solitary life by the doctors till i die.

I have set aside 30% for your time and service and expenses.

N.B:dear friend, please do reply to my alternate email address only: malhakim@albaha.cc , for a faster response

Muhammed Al-hakim
God be with you

Like I should be flattered. Here’s my reply to Muhammed:

From: Michael Ooi
To: Muhammed Al-hakim [malhakim@albaha.cc]
Date: Nov 1, 2006 4:51 PM
Subject: Re: A plea for a noble deed

Dear Muhammed, son of a camel,

as rich as your cancerous ass can be, I can’t help but feel sorry for you. There are only SIX zeros in a million, moron… you should probably learn arithmetic before you die.

From Malaysia with love,
MichaelOoi.

We Malaysians are definitely a courteous lot… at least I know I am.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | Comments Off
June 13, 2006

blog investment

Found this mail in my inbox today

From: [ad agent]
To: Michael Ooi
Date: Jun 13, 2006 12:01 PM
Subject: Blogging

Dear Mr. Michael,

I work in an Ad Agency and I have some clients who are interested in investing in blogging. I read about your profile in The Malay Mail last weekend and I thought it would be great if we could meet up for a short discussion on business development in the Blogging Segment.

My meeting with client is scheduled on Friday, 16 June. Is it possible for us to meet up before that? Please give me a call at [cell phone number] or [office number].

Thank you and best regards.

Yours sincerely,
[ad agent]
Brand Manager
[company name]

My reply to her:

From: Michael Ooi
To: [ad agent]
Date: Jun 13, 2006 8:25 PM
Subject: Re: Blogging

I’m sorry [ad agent], I’m afraid I can’t make myself accept this deal of yours. I don’t deserve this. Really.

You see, the cream of my blog usually involves mocking of other people, indiscriminate use of profanities and sometimes, even preach impertinent acts amongst the young – which totally escapes me why would anyone with a sane mind would think my blog has prospects in endorsing business of any kind…

It will only be too inhumane of me to accept this deal and later to let you discover the hard way that I’m that much a consummate dick like any ubiquitous credit card salesmen you see in shopping malls. For the best of us both party, I’ll have no choice but to politely ask you to fuck off instead.

I’m sorry that I may have missed a once-in-a-lifetime golden opportunity to make myself a billionaire by replying your free yahoo email address. Maybe someone else who deserves this better and with a wee bit more of an ethic would make a better chance out of this…

Sorry again,
Michael “the ungrateful” Ooi

People, if you’re sincere in securing a business deal with me, send me a 5 figure check (USD) in advance – only then, I’ll put whatever you’re bound to suggest into consideration…

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 16 Comments
April 29, 2006

being an engineer

I got this email from a reader. It’s kinda interesting (his question, my reply) and thought maybe someone else could benefit from this – what do I think about being an engineer (hell, alright, this is another filler post again. But fuck, it’s labor day! I needed the break!). So I decided to post this :

From: [reader]
To: [michaelooi]
Date: Apr 29, 2006 4:36 AM
Subject: Hi I have a question

Hi, you must be wondering who the hell is this.

I stumbled upon your blog recently, I must say you write really damn good. You’re the best I’ve seen among malaysian bloggers. — [that’s my kembang moment if you can’t tell…]

Anyways you mentioned being an electrical engineer. I’m an engineering student currently deciding which field to enter, in the engineering science category.

You see, I believe one does best when he has passion in what he does. I don’t wanna wake up every morning going to work in a job that I hate. I’m considering electrical engineering. Do you think electrical engineering is fun ? Interesting ? You don’t seem to blog much about the job lol.

The first year of studying involves learning all the basic theory and math skills and other fundamentals. About the engineering job, I have no freaking idea how it feels like. I guess I should go for internships and find out for my self huh ? LoL.

Feel free not to reply, I understand, I’m asking pretty much a dumb question.

But it’d be nice to get a idea of the job from such a experienced electrical engineer such as yourself.

O WISE MASTER OF WORDS PLEASE BESTOW ME WITH YOUR WISDOM !— [how can I not reply this awesome guy?]

Here’s my reply.

From: [michaelooi]
To: [reader]
Date: Apr 29, 2006 11:46 AM
Subject: Re: Hi I have a question

Hi [reader]
frankly speaking, EE is not my original choice either. God i hated electronics and that was not my idea of fun at all. You know what my passion is? Arts and photography. Or sex (if given such choice exist).

But given the circumstances that double E was the way of the future, I finally opted for that choice and am glad making that choice right. At least, I landed myself a stable job now. And can pretty much find another without breaking a sweat.

So, sometimes, it isn’t up to a person to be able to decide what’s fun for himself. It’s the circumstances. Can’t say I enjoyed my job much but, hell… I doubt many people on this planet enjoy working, even if it’s something of your interest. You’d probably get an asshole boss when you get a job you like … such is life. (ironically, I’m saying this to you with Labour’s Day round the corner)

Just, don’t worry too much. You’ll be fine. Cheers

I know, I didn’t answer his question directly. The fact is, there’s no answer to this. If I have an answer for anyone to have a good career, I would have been a successful person by now. But look at me, I’m short of a few wire bonds towards being a complete package of IC. Let alone to populate an intricate network of schematic diagram.

Engineering isn’t fun. It’s fucking hard. It’s fucking frustrating. It’s fucking ridiculous. It wouldn’t be that good if it’s easy… alas, nothing’s easy. (even pimps have their dilemma). But what’s left in life to be enjoyed if it’s without some challenge?

Have a happy labour day, workers. (though the only thing to be happy is to get more $$$, duh)

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 16 Comments