Archive for the ‘mails/posts’ Category

September 25, 2008

my ovaries are dangling

I found this email in my inbox today…

From: [my Insurance company]
Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2008 2:38 AM
To: Ooi, Michael
Subject: Specially for women like you


Do you want the freedom to live life on your own terms?

If so, [PROGRAM NAME] is really ideal for you.

[PROGRAM NAME] for Women is a new, all-in-one health, protection, savings and investment solution for your future.

Whether you’re young or established, have a successful career or simply managing a home, [PROGRAM NAME] for Women features 4 solutions specially designed to meet your needs during the different life stages. Each solution is flexible and easily customised, offering total financial and life coverage that is relevant to you.

Life’s complicated enough. Financial security shouldn’t be.

Click to see how easy we’ve made it for you.

[Agent name]
[Insurance company] Contact Centre

Specially for ‘women’ like me… fuck. It wouldn’t have been that wretched if my name was not quoted in the content, because I would have disposed it off as another spam mail. But not with the big bolded ‘MICHAEL OOI’ in it. So I’m officially a ‘woman’ in their records. My insurance company’s records. FUCK.

Enclosed with the mail was a picture of a relatively young woman stretching her hands at a meadow with a liberating close-eyed expression ala the armpit deodorant advert style. I’m not sure if that picture was suppose to assuage any possible confusion that might arise upon the shocking discovery of my ‘true’ gender. This is disturbing indeed. I made an effort to reply…

From: Ooi, Michael
Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2008 9:15 AM
To: [my Insurance company]
Subject: RE: Specially for women like you

FYI, the last I checked, I am still a very masculine and established MALE. So, no thanks.

I was thinking of attaching the picture of my schlong to the originator (whom I presume must be a lady) with a caption ‘DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A FUCKING OVARY TO YOU??’, but I eighty six-ed the idea because I do not want to be too brash – because the lady on the other end might just die out of excessive cum radiation…

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 9 Comments
June 23, 2008

what cha gonna do?

Somebody posted an interesting comment in my ‘kick ass‘ entry.

# somebody said: Hai world. Try to be the PM and ask yourself what to do.

My reply to him/her:

# michaelooi said: somebody – If I’m the PM, I’m gonna punch myself in the face, undo the fuel price hike, sack all my monkey ministers, renounce my PM-ship and then make way for somebody who is more capable to be the next Prime Minister.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | Comments Off
February 25, 2008

I speakeh Enguhlish (part 2)

As usual, I was doing my job chasing for reports from vendors. Again, a Chinese female correspondent of unknown age responded:

Dear all:
The attached file is FA report for your reference, if have any question, please connect with me.

Best Regards
[female correspondent of unknown age]

I think this one’s hornier than the previous one – she demanded a hook-up for every answer to a question. But I ain’t asking that cheap bitch anything man…

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 6 Comments
January 2, 2008

‘review my site, michael’

How bout me clobbering some retards as my first post on a spanking brand new year? Sounds like a good idea.

Here you go, people. (received this a few days ago)

from: HeartBeat Admin []
date: Dec 31, 2007 3:57 AM
subject: Review on

Hi, I’m Vincent from A website that providing personalized gifts online in Malaysia.

I just visited your website & I found it is interesting and informatic.

May I know could you help me to write a review on my

As a return, I would be very happy to present you a personalized mug from our website. We can print your own photo on the mug.

Looking forward in hearing from you.
Thanks. ^_^


012-647 9294

Ohhh [squeal]! He finds my site ‘informatic’ and I have every reason to be thrilled about it.

I fucking hate spammers.

from: Michael Ooi
to: HeartBeat Admin [],
date: Dec 31, 2007 6:19 PM
subject: Re: Review on

dear vincent
your site looks like a cheap ass porn site without porn.


There. Feel free to visit Vincent’s site and tell me if my review’s accurate or what.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 13 Comments
December 23, 2007

wildlife preservation & merry christmas

i stumbled into this in my inbox…

From: pk tan To: Michael Ooi
Date: Dec 22, 2007 8:04 AM
Subject: Malaysia Wildlife Conservation Awareness Campaign 2008


My name is Pk Tan, the editor in chief for Malaysia Travel Guide. I’m writing in to request for your help in our online campaign on “Malaysia Wildlife Conservation Awareness 08″.

[site link – if you’re interested, google for the link yourself, sucker]

Here at Malaysia Travel Guide, we seek to promote Malaysia Tourism in the right way. Our first campaign revolves around the conservation of Malaysia wildlife. We seek to increase public awareness and knowledge of the value of biodiversity, its threats, and actions that will help conserve wildlife and natural areas in Malaysia.

We believe that Wildlife conservation begins with education; It is to address this lack of understanding that Malaysia Travel Guide introduced The Malaysia Wildlife Conservation Awareness Campaign.

The objective of this campaign is to increase the awareness of “Malaysia Wildlife Conservation” via the internet, especially through Blogs.
Join us in our campaign:
There are a number of options that you can help us in this campaign.
– On the 1st Jan 2008: Blog / Write a post that relates to the Malaysia wildlife conservation. It can be to do with your usual topic or totally just about a Malaysia wildlife conservation issue.
– Prior to 1st Jan 2008, inform other bloggers about this campaign and explaining it in terms they understand (or direct them to the campaign page).
– Support the campaign: Add our banner to your site and spread the word

The best way to raise awareness is simply talking about it.

Wildlife conservation begins with each of us – Together, we can make a difference.

I would also be interested to hear any comments or suggestions you have about this campaign.

Oh yah, please do let me know, Thanks!
Thank you for your time : ))
Warm regards,

Another pimping request. Some wildlife conservation. Wtf.

I’ve had a few cans of beer tonight after a round of barbecuing some wildlife (ironically, with a bunch of wildlife, and got a bit wild ourselves) and I felt like replying so, I did it. And here’s my reply to the editor in spam…

From: Michael Ooi
To: pk tan Date: Dec 23, 2007 2:39 AM
Subject: Re: Malaysia Wildlife Conservation Awareness Campaign 2008

mr. tan
I hate to say this but, I think I’ll have to disagree with you about something – i think tourism and preserving wildlife are both different ballgames, and they don’t complement each other very well.

for one, tourists don’t come here to see wildlife. They’re here to have a great time (i.e. they don’t give a shit). And if they’re here, they’re gonna produce more wastes – that’s not gonna be good for any ‘wildlife’ per se (unless the ‘wildlife’ you’re referring to are those with silicon boob bags and stilettos)

Ergo, it is best to not have more tourists here if you really want to ‘preserve’ wildlife.

If you want tourists, forget wildlife. If you want wildlife, you should stop driving automobiles, quit using computers to spam email strangers, ditch your clothes and live in the wild instead – then you would have done your part to preserve the environment (which, indirectly, could save a thing or two that breathes).

But then, I’ll still post this email exchange in my blog. It’s not going to be on 1st Jan though, but in a way, it’ll still help to pimp your cause.
And all the best with that.

P/S: Please, don’t email me anymore. I eat animals (though domestic), I do not want to feel any guilt while doing that. (eating animals since 1977)

Merry Christmas, everybody. Remember to recycle your beer and wine bottles, and kill less wildlife (leave the orang utans alone please… and I do not mean those that work in unisex hair salon…)

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