I wonder if you guys fucking remember this???

If you don’t, well, you either must be too young or too fucking old to know what I’m talking about.

This box of chocolate junk with an image of a cross-eyed Doraemon clone, has something other than chocolate balls in it - a cheap toy.

For some strange reason, kids during my time used to go all nuts about it (the crappy chocolate balls, however, would be discarded to feed Malaysian stray rats…). It was part of the madness that hit the 80’s, and ‘Cokelat Ding Daaaang’ held a special place in us kids’ hearts…

Today, that place has been detrimentally taken over by digital images of nude girls with fake titties on the internet… corrupting the minds of the young, lowering their IQ’s and retarding their growth. (that’s why they all look identically like Jay Chou now)

Now, how many of you ever had the chance to express your negative opinions about housewives and their bad taste in fashion, to a bunch of housewives? I had the rare opportunity yesterday.

The historical event took place at Company X cafeteria when I was having my breakfast with a couple of these shapeshifted housewives. They were sharing opinions about how important it is for an aged woman to look the best for her age. You know, stuff about wearing revealing clothes, dying their hair shit-brown, etc.

Initially, I do not intend to participate in their discussion, because I am not into the idea of old people trying to look young by having excessive makeovers and shit. I knew if I say something, I am going to strike some nerves there and get into trouble. But then, I couldn’t help it after a while. I figured I had to say something - for the sake of mankind - to change the paradigm that has wrongfully taken residence inside their porous brains.

I told them, it is definitely not OK for old women to over-indulge themselves with cosmetic makeovers and vogue fashion. There is only so much one can hide, and after that, it’s going to look just more and more ridiculous and revolting. It’s like adding sugar to your dessert. The right amount of it, will be pleasant. Too much of it, you’d get stroke and high blood pressure (or whatever). See my point? But sadly, not many aging women realize that. They see makeovers and vogue fashion as a huge fountain of youth - the more you slap them on, the better looking you are. That’s just fucking tragic, man.

I’m sure many of you have seen old shapeshifted housewives trying to dress-to-kill. Shapeshifters with hump wearing barebacks, shapeshifters with dimpled cellulites wearing miniskirts, spandex pants, etc. It makes you wonder, what the fuck is wrong with them. I once saw a woman who was way beyond her menopausal age wearing a low cut blouse grandiosely revealing her canyon-wide wrinkled cleavage to the world. Like, can’t she tell? That her rack is… is… is… as saggy… and wrinkled… as a blob of wet plastic bag? Things that I don’t understand.

I know some of you are probably going to chide me that this is about a woman feeling good about her own body and having shitfucks of self confidence that I probably won’t understand in this lifetime. You know, the usual bullshit. But I was just being honest about what is not pleasant to my eyes. Nobody’s stopping them from having self confidence. This is not about having self confidence. This is about how not to be an eyesore and even more, a subject of ridicule. Why can’t they be comfortable with how they naturally look? In my opinion, women with age should not aim at how they look, they should aim at how they carry their personality. When you’re 60 wearing a mini-fucking-skirt or a spandex pants showing off your droopy cameltoes, people just won’t give you any respect. They pay you respect (with flowers and joss paper, that is…)

I think got my opinion across… because none of them castigated me of what I said. Before I peel off, I gave them this final crazy ass suggestion about doing a self check before hitting the streets with their makeovers:

“If you ladies really want to find out if you have really overdid your makeover or overdressed, just take a stroll past the front gate of any of your dog rearing neighbors. If your neighbor’s dog barks like batshit crazy when it sees you, that means whatever you’re wearing or have on your face, are going to agitate some animals and it is also likely going to have negative effects on us humans as well. That’s the time when you should seriously consider to tone it down.”

This, is gonna change the world.

I don’t know if this is just me but, I find myself having a lot of troubles remembering female Chinese names. For some strange reasons, female Chinese names don’t seem to be able to stick inside my memory at all. They’re like, malicious worm programs that get filtered out by my innate antivirus system or something. This was especially frustrating for my wife Emily, as I keep forgetting her friends’ names, which can occasionally be quite embarrassing, but most of the time, just difficult for her to kibbitz about somebody to me (which she thought would be a waste of effort if I don’t really know who she was talking about…)

But then being a reasonable person that she is, she understands my problems, and she knows that being a bitch about it won’t help either. So we kinda developed this tacit solution for my problem over the years in our relationship. I, will try my best to remember her friends with Chinese names, and she on the other hand, will help me remembering them. Take special note on the phrase - ‘remember her friends with Chinese names‘. It’s completely different from ‘remember her friends’ Chinese names‘. If you don’t get it, here’s a scenario to help you out:

Emily introduces me to her female ex-colleague, Xiao Huey, for the first time. I told Emily that Xiao Huey looks like an oversized hamster and went on to forget her name the next minute. Fast forward 1 year later, Emily relates a story about Xiao Huey to me,

Emily: “Dear, do you remember my ex-colleague Xiao Huey?”

Me: “No I don’t.”

Emily: “The girl that you said looked like a giant hamster?”

Me: “Oh… her! Yes, what about her?”

Emily: [yakety yak]

The scenario above was a true event that actually occurred, though the name ‘Xiao Huey’ was fictional (because I don’t fucking remember her friend’s name)

But it is a beautiful workaround, ain’t it?
a) I get to retain my personality… and at the same time,
b) I also get to express what I feel about my wife’s friends without qualms,
c) my wife gets to do her gossip shit without any technical setback…

You see when a woman gets to do her gossip shit regularly, she’d get her ample dose of de-stressing and that in turn, translates to more bliss for the boyfriend/husband. It’s a win-win situation (well, more like ‘not to lose too much’ for the guy, actually…)

This is one of the many tricks that you can adopt to make a relationship a less stressful affair.

So, if you’re a forgetful (or eccentric, if that’s what you want to call me, I don’t really give a crap) person like I am, this can be a solution for you - remember their distinctive features instead of names, you know, like… the chick with a huge motherfucking nose, lopsided droopy eyes, reminded you of incredible hulk, etc. If the trick works for me, and there should not be any reason why it cannot work for you. All you need to do, is to convince your other half… (and thence, nobody should ever complain that you didn’t do no shit for the relationship…)

I don’t know about you people but, I noticed that there has been a flurry of VIPs coming out to make really inane statements to mitigate the coalition’s embarrassing performance in the 2008 general election. I’ve taken the trouble to compile this up…

Datuk Seri Rafidah Aziz
Barisan Nasional should conduct a post-mortem on the shocking losses in the 12th general election

Datuk Seri Mohd Ali Rustam
post-mortem would be carried out to determine the cause of the losses here including the effects of an increase in opposition representation in the state legislature.

Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi
Barisan Nasional will appoint an independent panel to do a post- mortem of the results of the 12th general election

Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein
The Barisan Nasional has to be introspective and assess what caused it to lose several states and seats in the general election

Datuk Seri Ong Ka Ting
we will conduct a very thorough and in-depth study into all the factors that led to such results.

Datuk Seri Zainuddin Maidin
The political tsunami that occurred during the general election provides an important lesson to Umno and the national leaders

Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah
The Umno supreme council must do its homework soon to find the root causes of these problems and weed them out before it is too late

I was like DUHHHHHH! Like, where have they been lah??
This is akin to, being hit by a train and not knowing
a) what hit them
b) why were they hit

I wonder what else do they need, another 3 billion ringgit of tax money to set up a royal commission to investigate the root cause of their loss? This is ludicrous man.

Speaking of being ludicrous, there’s another nincompoop that beckons for some attention today. Here, read this:

Call to scrap mega projects

PENANG: The state Umno will “persuade” the Federal Government to scrap all the mega projects in the state in view of the people’s clear rejection of Barisan Nasional.

Since Penangites do not want development, the Federal Government should not force it on them, said state Umno liaison committee secretary Datuk Azhar Ibrahim.

He said that this was not Penang Umno taking revenge “but we are actually giving the people what they want”.

“They voted for change, so let us see what the DAP can do,” he said after the party’s emergency meeting at Menara Umno yesterday.

Azhar, who is Penaga assemblyman, was appointed the state Opposition Leader at the meeting.

Meanwhile, Umno liaison committee deputy chief Datuk Abdul Rashid Abdullah hit out at the new administration for its decision not to practise the New Economic Policy (NEP).

source

This guy actually thinks that we Penangite didn’t vote Barisan Nasional because we do not want development. We must have wanted to go naked and live on trees all these while. Unfuckingbelievable, isn’t it? This coming from a Datuk.

Clearly, all those Datuks don’t get it. Good news for them is, they don’t really need to spend a single cent to find out why they lost so many seats in the general election. The answer’s just a few clicks away, if only they know how to Google. Well if they don’t, they can refer the following points:
Barisan Nasional kalah banyak kerusi kerana 4 faktor:
- Rasuah (Corruption)
- Angkuh (Arrogance)
- kurang Kompetensi (Incompetency)
- kurang Pintar (Stupidity) - see quoted article above for example.

There. No more mystery now.

With the advent of high grade digital sensors, wireless technology and high speed internet connection, it is not surprising that more and more people in the 21st century are finding their privacy intruded upon. Just ask yourself, how many sex scandals have you read in the past 5 years? Shitloads of them.
- Famous people getting caught in video fucking the wrong people.
- Chicks having their cellphones stolen to have racy pictures/videos of themselves distributed all over the internet.
You name it.

These scandals, they all have one thing in common - they’re all very unpleasant. They pique unwanted attentions, they give bad publicities and they expose private practices that are just plain fucking embarrassing to the very core. These aren’t the things that are going to help you foster a good in-law relationship or being taken seriously in your workplace. If you’re someone famous, it could even mean the end of your career.

So it is only good if we can discipline ourselves to combat this kind of threat - by adhering to these core rules which I’ve painstakingly compiled with the aid of some professional help

Rule #1: Never make a video or take a picture of yourself having sex with any living creature.
This is common sense - if there’s no video nor picture of yourself taken, then there shouldn’t be anything to be used against you in the first place. Sure enough, sometimes you may want to remind yourself of a particularly gratifying evening you had with someone but trust me, it’s always not worth it. It won’t be that cool anymore if your significant half or your mom finds out about you giving a clam suck or a blowjob. If you want to fuck, fuck safely. Don’t be stupid to go around creating evidence of your vice co-curricular activities. Just fuck and forget. If you want to remember, you can always call up that tramp/stud and ask for another round.

Rule #2: Secure the perimeter before you pork / getting porked.
You’ll never know if anyone has the malice intent to sabotage your shit or even a decent intend to throw you a surprise birthday party. Whatever it is, it’s always wise for you to go around checking if there’s any discrepancy or anything odd going on. This is like, making sure you have a valid passport before going for an overseas trip. It’s a basic thing. Just drape up any exposed mirror, cover up any holes, close the curtains, switch off your cellphone and look under the bed. Do whatever you must to feel safe. Always remember, it is always better to let people speculate or suspect than to get caught red handed. This is like, a little sacrifice for a much bigger cause and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Rule #3: Always do it with style.
Some things are inevitable and people get to film us anyway. So it is always good if we can consistently deliver the best possible result and maintain our self esteem at the same time. You should trim your pubes and powder your groin everyday. Look the best possible each time you’re planning to have an adventurous evening. Always give the best impression ever. When you plow your partner, do it like you’re attending an audition for a porn lead role. Give it some passion. Make your viewers feel the love, and make them remember you as a motherfucking awesome fucker. With this precaution in practice, in case your porn gets leaked out to the public, at least they get to see you in your best maneuver (to mitigate the embarrassment).

Rule #4: Always keep your shit together.
There are times when we’re careless and stupid, and got ourselves end up as the lead actor in a candid porn video. In situations like this, there is very little you can do other than to keep your shit together (especially if you’re famous). Never ever come out to apologize like it’s a wrong thing. The last thing people remember of you is you having a blast whacking tits / sucking dick without any apparent remorse. So, it’ll only make you look stupid. Never try to win sympathy by being suicidal or speaking out for the victims either. They never work. You’re in the middle of a sex scandal for fuck’s sake, not fighting a cause to save some endangered walruses. Just keep calm, shut the fuck up and hope that the storm will recede itself down over time. If you feel like it, you probably can give a badass comment or two to the press like “it looks and sounds like me, but it’s not 100% me.”

*****

That’s all I can think of right now. If you feel like contributing for the good of the society, by all means, be my guest.

Fuck safe, people.