Archive for the ‘…is a bitch’ Category

March 12, 2016

the teambuilding mate with gray split ends

…is a bitch.

One of my teammates in the teambuilding event. Middle aged, skinny top half, cellulite ridden bottom half, with gray split ends hair that looked like wild reeds growing out of a prison compound. Very asserting character, and couldn’t stop being a dominating mom in the team. As if having the experience of giving birth and schooling a couple of brats gave her the wisdom to control everything under her will on this planet.

Had a tough time dealing with her bullshit through the whole teambuilding event, but it culminated with a coconut eating event (it’s one of the activities in the teambuilding, don’t ask). Objective was simple – hack, drink the water and eat both coconuts’ flesh completely in the shortest time. I guess the organizer thought that city dwellers like us would struggle to do this, having had our food/drinks served most of the time at fancy food courts.

As expected, bitch with gray split ends stepped out and boldly told everyone to calm the fuck down (when nobody was panicking). She declared that she’s had loads of experiences when it comes to hacking coconuts, and she’s gonna be in charge of cutting one of them (well, only 1 participant is allowed to hack 1 coconut). She told me to just follow what she’s doing (I was in charge of hacking the 2nd coconut) and everything would be fine. So I asked what’s her plan, just to see what she’s gonna say – she outlined that she’d hack a hole on the top, finish the water, and hack a bigger hole to get to the flesh. I disagreed with her, much to her surprise (perplexed reaction, like she’s just heard her kid talking back to her)… I’ve hacked my fair share of coconuts myself, so I was kind of an expert.

“No, that won’t work”, I said.
“Why it won’t work? I’ve done this many times. You need a bigger hole to get to the flesh!”
“You drink the water, and you split the damn thing. You then eat from each half, like a bowl.”
“That won’t work. Splitting it is not easy, and time consuming”
“No, it’s going to be faster.”

And we both knew it was on, middle aged uncle (me) versus middle aged aunty with split ends (her – she’s much older). Getting to the water part was easy. Just hack a hole and insert straw to drink. But when it comes to getting to the flesh, bitch with gray split ends tried to what it seemed like violating the coconut to have a bigger asshole, and the end result looked amusingly like a coconut that was bit open by a fucking beaver. The fibres of the husk dropped all inside the bigger hole, which was not big enough to fit in a spoon. Bitch continued hacking until the coconut was badly mangled.

I on the other hand, made a hard chop at the top center (with the hole), pressed down the chopper with my weight to make a 70% downward split, put the chopper away and pulled apart the 2 halves like they were beef flaps. The splitting took no more than 10 seconds. I was already finishing the flesh when the red faced hag was still violating the coconut. She was later heard disclaiming her epic fail with a pathetic – “I was given an older coconut! It was tougher!”. Bitches. They never want to lose and they never learn.

michaelooi  | ...is a bitch  | Comments Off
December 22, 2014

fake your mother

Stereotypical Chinese educated girls. Always striving to sound and look sophisticated. It is as if these people exists for the sole reason to not let people look down on them. They’d do anything to cancel out any negative perception on them. One of the most annoying of things they do – is to ‘fake-English-accent’ (as a verb, because I don’t know how to actually describe that) their Hokkien/Cantonese dialect. Pretty much like how the contemporary Malay girls would say “Keshahhh Chinnta antharaaa dua duniaaa”… you know, with the emphasis on the H and everything.

I don’t fucking understand. Why would these people think that it works on them? Fucking makes me feel like killing an innocent animal really. Why the fuck would these people fake-English-accent their native dialect?? WHYYYYYY!?

I’ve been getting this radiation from a couple of bitch new tenants in my cube lately. Every fucking day. Every awakening seconds. FUCKKK! They’d never stop chatting with these stupid faked-English-accented-Hokkien. Bhak-khut-theh. FUCCKCKKKKKKK!~!!!!

You know what I’m gonna fucking do?? I’m gonna start collecting dead roaches and I’m gonna stuff them one by one into their drawers through the gaps and I’m going to see how fake their English accent would sound when they yell like real bitches in the office!

michaelooi  | ...is a bitch  | Comments Off
September 9, 2014

the middle aged participant in a course I attended

…is a bitch.
The course was a 1 full day event, which started at 8am, and the bitch came lumbering in at about 9am. Waddled through some chairs, and sat right in front of me blocking the projected screen, prompted me to shift my position lest all I would learn the whole of that day was her fucking turgid head with split-end graying hairs.

As if it wasn’t bad enough to be a view blocker, she immediately asserted her position the moment she came in like an alpha male primate (albeit she is actually an anjing betina), by asking the instructor shitloads of attention seeking questions (some of which she would have known had she came on time). To top it off, she asked them all with an unmistakable fake English accent, and would look around the room at the end of each question, checking if anyone has caught her faking her intelligence. And when she’s not asking, she’d whip out her mobile phone to IM her imbecile friends or clacking away on her stupid notebook replying emails (if that’s not obvious to you, that’s like, fucking rude). Then she’d cycle back to asking another stupid question, look around for attention, back to mobile phone, repeats. Her personality screams “Oh my cunt is sho…. BIG, that it has tectonic plates and its own weather system!”. Totally fucking revolting.

Then came the lunch break, which was prepared by the class organizer. Everyone took their own (fucking pathetic) bento with a chicken, and this bitch went ahead to exclaim loudly – “Where’s my vadge-gee-tarian set?”. (she made emphasis on the ‘veg’ pronunciation, and exaggerated the silent ‘e’ vowel after the ‘g’). Like she has the compelling need to let everyone know that she doesn’t eat animals. Judging from her cellulite ridden lard ass, she must have gotten the extra unused energy from excessive protein intake through a human. I was surprised that this walking fossil hasn’t considered super-glueing some sequins, plastic beads and fake diamonds on her forehead already, since she liked attention so fucking much.

I hope she gets pesticide poisoning from the vadge-gee-tables she ate.

michaelooi  | ...is a bitch  | Comments Off
August 16, 2014

some random lady at a coffee shop

…is a bitch.
It started with me walking into a coffee shop – alone – to have my breakfast. I placed my order from one of the stalls in there, and tried to look for a place to settle. There were a lot of empty tables around, so I picked one randomly. And then I kinda noticed this lady, who was standing about 30 – 40 feet away near another food stall, started to give me this stinky eye like I’ve just molested her or something. I didn’t know what was that for, so I just ignored her.

She would continue to glower at me for a good minute or so, and came to settle to another table next to mine. I continued to ignore her, thinking she must be fucking crazy. Then a waiter brought 3 mugs of Milo to my table, to which I denied ordering, and that was when the ‘angry lady’ flagged the waiter over to her table, and rudely (loudly) exclaimed in Hokkien “I had to change table because some guy took mine!”. That was only when I realized that the lady must have occupied the table I was sitting before me, and went off to order something. But I was rather pissed that she had to make it sound like I deliberately took her table like I had a fucking evil motive. For the record, the table was fucking empty, and I should be given the benefit of doubt for that. There’s no way I could have known it was occupied. Had I known it was occupied, I would have settled at another table, why the fuck would I take hers? CIBAI.

I wasn’t gonna let her take a sneak shot at me like that, so I kinda raised my voice over her remarks (in Hokkien) “So this is all about this table being yours?? You could have said so!”. That was also when my food arrived, and I told the server – rather loudly, in front of that lady – “Please put the food over there [next table]. This damn bitch here is mad at me for stealing her table!”. I was expecting her to get mad or something but instead, the bitch kinda shriveled to the size of a circumcised foreskin of a toddler. I could tell that she was freaked out (maybe she thought I was psychotic, and might give her a foot stomp mammogram on the coffee shop kerb).

See the picture on the left? You’re looking at her, and her hump – which is full of arsenic and ammonium fertilizer. I hope she gets tape worm infestation from that plate of noodles.

michaelooi  | ...is a bitch  | Comments Off