…is a bitch.
One of my teammates in the teambuilding event. Middle aged, skinny top half, cellulite ridden bottom half, with gray split ends hair that looked like wild reeds growing out of a prison compound. Very asserting character, and couldn’t stop being a dominating mom in the team. As if having the experience of giving birth and schooling a couple of brats gave her the wisdom to control everything under her will on this planet.
Had a tough time dealing with her bullshit through the whole teambuilding event, but it culminated with a coconut eating event (it’s one of the activities in the teambuilding, don’t ask). Objective was simple – hack, drink the water and eat both coconuts’ flesh completely in the shortest time. I guess the organizer thought that city dwellers like us would struggle to do this, having had our food/drinks served most of the time at fancy food courts.
As expected, bitch with gray split ends stepped out and boldly told everyone to calm the fuck down (when nobody was panicking). She declared that she’s had loads of experiences when it comes to hacking coconuts, and she’s gonna be in charge of cutting one of them (well, only 1 participant is allowed to hack 1 coconut). She told me to just follow what she’s doing (I was in charge of hacking the 2nd coconut) and everything would be fine. So I asked what’s her plan, just to see what she’s gonna say – she outlined that she’d hack a hole on the top, finish the water, and hack a bigger hole to get to the flesh. I disagreed with her, much to her surprise (perplexed reaction, like she’s just heard her kid talking back to her)… I’ve hacked my fair share of coconuts myself, so I was kind of an expert.
“No, that won’t work”, I said.
“Why it won’t work? I’ve done this many times. You need a bigger hole to get to the flesh!”
“You drink the water, and you split the damn thing. You then eat from each half, like a bowl.”
“That won’t work. Splitting it is not easy, and time consuming”
“No, it’s going to be faster.”
And we both knew it was on, middle aged uncle (me) versus middle aged aunty with split ends (her – she’s much older). Getting to the water part was easy. Just hack a hole and insert straw to drink. But when it comes to getting to the flesh, bitch with gray split ends tried to what it seemed like violating the coconut to have a bigger asshole, and the end result looked amusingly like a coconut that was bit open by a fucking beaver. The fibres of the husk dropped all inside the bigger hole, which was not big enough to fit in a spoon. Bitch continued hacking until the coconut was badly mangled.
I on the other hand, made a hard chop at the top center (with the hole), pressed down the chopper with my weight to make a 70% downward split, put the chopper away and pulled apart the 2 halves like they were beef flaps. The splitting took no more than 10 seconds. I was already finishing the flesh when the red faced hag was still violating the coconut. She was later heard disclaiming her epic fail with a pathetic – “I was given an older coconut! It was tougher!”. Bitches. They never want to lose and they never learn.