Archive for the ‘…is a bitch’ Category

April 17, 2019

the principal engineer that looked like Momo…

… is a bitch.

A little backstory. Part of my work at Company T, is to develop a test with automation for a prototype product, that is non existent anywhere in this world. Although it sounded kinda awesome but it’s a bitch of a work if you think about it. Because nothing like it has ever existed, a lot of the stuff that we do, involves a hell lot of calculated chances, especially the automation hardware that goes into it. We have to wade through the pool of unknown shit before we can get our job done. You get the idea.

Because we’re not perfect at maths, a lot of those ‘calculated chances’ occasionally manifests as failures… just like those countless of rockets the Nasa guys wrecked before they’re finally able to send something to the outer fucking space. And when shit like this happens, we jump into the mess to figure out what went wrong, and fix the damn shit to put the whole thing back on track (it’s part of our job). One would think that our line work should consist of some of the smartest people on the planet to be able to pull off this kind of shit, but that’s a fucking major oversight. Believe it or not, a lot of the people involved in my project are no more than a regular dumbass that fools the everyday public.

One of them was this middle aged principal engineer bitch called “Momo”. Before I continue, I have to explain that a principal engineer is very big deal in Company T. It’s like, the fucking Jedi High Council master in Star Wars, or one of the Eminent Persons in Dr.M’s government. They’re paid like the directors, and they have the say in every fucking matter. And they’re supposed to be the smartest of us all. So, when a principal engineer asks you something, it usually means some serious shit is going to hit the fan…

Case in point was this engineering mess we’re in. In the midst of it all, this – afore mentioned – principal engineer bitch sent an email asking this question “Why didn’t you guys prevent the failures from happening?”

That’s like asking doctors why they can’t prevent people from getting cancer. Everyone who read the email were shocked, especially me, who had no clue who this Momo was. I checked her profile via the company database, found that she looked like that ugly meme character “Momo”, and has fuck tonnes of engineers reporting under her belt. I immediately knew she’s not someone I should shoot a sarcastic reply at… So I asked one of the managers whom I work with

“Eh, who is this ugly hag ah? Who the fuck asks this kind of question?”
“She’s a principal engineer. She is the boss of the [manufacturing team who screwed up a lot]”
“A principal engineer? Seriously?? How can a principal engineer ask this kind of retarded question??”
“No idea.”
“Fucking bitch”

Her email remained in everyone’s mailbox for days, unreplied. In the end, the matter was forgotten and everyone moved on. But Momo would continue to stir shit up that nobody could fathom what her intended effect was. In the end, we solved the problem, and she remained a bitch.

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May 6, 2018

the teenage girl at the cinema

…is a bitch.

How so? I was watching The Avengers Infinity War at the cinema with my family, when I noticed flashing lights coming from my right. At first I thought someone was taking a goddamn selfie inside the fucking cinema when the movie was showing, but it didn’t seem so because I know a camera flash only flashes once, and it illuminates the person’s face. But this was outwards, and it gave a 3 – 4 quick flashes, just like a goddamn plane’s beacon. It was annoying as fuck.

I tried to peer over to the side to see who the fuck was doing that but, alas, I could not see shit because it was as dark as fuck. And this went on throughout the duration of the movie and I swear I was at the verge of charging over to that direction and be prepared to give the perpetrator a concussion with my knee or something (perhaps hoping at the same time that the person isn’t as big as Thanos). But almost at the 4th quarter of the movie (that was when Thanos was about to teleport to Earth and fuck things up real bad), I heard an irate guy voice bellowing “CAN YOU STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR PHONE!?”.

…It was only then I found out that it was a teenager bitch who had one of those stupid phone case that blinks like mad whenever there’s a notification or something, and the teenager bitch couldn’t stop looking at her goddamn phone and reply the messages from her retarded friends. Though that confrontation should have gone way earlier and more hostile (something like “IF YOU DON’T KEEP YOUR GODDAMN PHONE NOW I’M GOING TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!”), but it did the job. The blinking stopped.

According to my wife (who sat next to the bitch’s parents), she was already told many times by her own parents to keep the phone because the blinking was too annoying. But she didn’t care until some dude yelled at her. Fucking parents couldn’t do jack shit about their daughter’s insolence. Goddamn cibai. If it’s my daughter, I’d have tossed her phone into the sea for being such a bitch.

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March 12, 2016

the teambuilding mate with gray split ends

…is a bitch.

One of my teammates in the teambuilding event. Middle aged, skinny top half, cellulite ridden bottom half, with gray split ends hair that looked like wild reeds growing out of a prison compound. Very asserting character, and couldn’t stop being a dominating mom in the team. As if having the experience of giving birth and schooling a couple of brats gave her the wisdom to control everything under her will on this planet.

Had a tough time dealing with her bullshit through the whole teambuilding event, but it culminated with a coconut eating event (it’s one of the activities in the teambuilding, don’t ask). Objective was simple – hack, drink the water and eat both coconuts’ flesh completely in the shortest time. I guess the organizer thought that city dwellers like us would struggle to do this, having had our food/drinks served most of the time at fancy food courts.

As expected, bitch with gray split ends stepped out and boldly told everyone to calm the fuck down (when nobody was panicking). She declared that she’s had loads of experiences when it comes to hacking coconuts, and she’s gonna be in charge of cutting one of them (well, only 1 participant is allowed to hack 1 coconut). She told me to just follow what she’s doing (I was in charge of hacking the 2nd coconut) and everything would be fine. So I asked what’s her plan, just to see what she’s gonna say – she outlined that she’d hack a hole on the top, finish the water, and hack a bigger hole to get to the flesh. I disagreed with her, much to her surprise (perplexed reaction, like she’s just heard her kid talking back to her)… I’ve hacked my fair share of coconuts myself, so I was kind of an expert.

“No, that won’t work”, I said.
“Why it won’t work? I’ve done this many times. You need a bigger hole to get to the flesh!”
“You drink the water, and you split the damn thing. You then eat from each half, like a bowl.”
“That won’t work. Splitting it is not easy, and time consuming”
“No, it’s going to be faster.”

And we both knew it was on, middle aged uncle (me) versus middle aged aunty with split ends (her – she’s much older). Getting to the water part was easy. Just hack a hole and insert straw to drink. But when it comes to getting to the flesh, bitch with gray split ends tried to what it seemed like violating the coconut to have a bigger asshole, and the end result looked amusingly like a coconut that was bit open by a fucking beaver. The fibres of the husk dropped all inside the bigger hole, which was not big enough to fit in a spoon. Bitch continued hacking until the coconut was badly mangled.

I on the other hand, made a hard chop at the top center (with the hole), pressed down the chopper with my weight to make a 70% downward split, put the chopper away and pulled apart the 2 halves like they were beef flaps. The splitting took no more than 10 seconds. I was already finishing the flesh when the red faced hag was still violating the coconut. She was later heard disclaiming her epic fail with a pathetic – “I was given an older coconut! It was tougher!”. Bitches. They never want to lose and they never learn.

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December 22, 2014

fake your mother

Stereotypical Chinese educated girls. Always striving to sound and look sophisticated. It is as if these people exists for the sole reason to not let people look down on them. They’d do anything to cancel out any negative perception on them. One of the most annoying of things they do – is to ‘fake-English-accent’ (as a verb, because I don’t know how to actually describe that) their Hokkien/Cantonese dialect. Pretty much like how the contemporary Malay girls would say “Keshahhh Chinnta antharaaa dua duniaaa”… you know, with the emphasis on the H and everything.

I don’t fucking understand. Why would these people think that it works on them? Fucking makes me feel like killing an innocent animal really. Why the fuck would these people fake-English-accent their native dialect?? WHYYYYYY!?

I’ve been getting this radiation from a couple of bitch new tenants in my cube lately. Every fucking day. Every awakening seconds. FUCKKK! They’d never stop chatting with these stupid faked-English-accented-Hokkien. Bhak-khut-theh. FUCCKCKKKKKKK!~!!!!

You know what I’m gonna fucking do?? I’m gonna start collecting dead roaches and I’m gonna stuff them one by one into their drawers through the gaps and I’m going to see how fake their English accent would sound when they yell like real bitches in the office!

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September 9, 2014

the middle aged participant in a course I attended

…is a bitch.
The course was a 1 full day event, which started at 8am, and the bitch came lumbering in at about 9am. Waddled through some chairs, and sat right in front of me blocking the projected screen, prompted me to shift my position lest all I would learn the whole of that day was her fucking turgid head with split-end graying hairs.

As if it wasn’t bad enough to be a view blocker, she immediately asserted her position the moment she came in like an alpha male primate (albeit she is actually an anjing betina), by asking the instructor shitloads of attention seeking questions (some of which she would have known had she came on time). To top it off, she asked them all with an unmistakable fake English accent, and would look around the room at the end of each question, checking if anyone has caught her faking her intelligence. And when she’s not asking, she’d whip out her mobile phone to IM her imbecile friends or clacking away on her stupid notebook replying emails (if that’s not obvious to you, that’s like, fucking rude). Then she’d cycle back to asking another stupid question, look around for attention, back to mobile phone, repeats. Her personality screams “Oh my cunt is sho…. BIG, that it has tectonic plates and its own weather system!”. Totally fucking revolting.

Then came the lunch break, which was prepared by the class organizer. Everyone took their own (fucking pathetic) bento with a chicken, and this bitch went ahead to exclaim loudly – “Where’s my vadge-gee-tarian set?”. (she made emphasis on the ‘veg’ pronunciation, and exaggerated the silent ‘e’ vowel after the ‘g’). Like she has the compelling need to let everyone know that she doesn’t eat animals. Judging from her cellulite ridden lard ass, she must have gotten the extra unused energy from excessive protein intake through a human. I was surprised that this walking fossil hasn’t considered super-glueing some sequins, plastic beads and fake diamonds on her forehead already, since she liked attention so fucking much.

I hope she gets pesticide poisoning from the vadge-gee-tables she ate.

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