I have this really cool idea … you know, how doctors can be replaced with automated machines that could do exact the same job. Well, of course, there are a lot of factors that are debatable, that doctors can do much more things than a machine can …. bla bla bla, but hey …horses was once thought to be the ultimate land traveller until someone invented the automobiles…

Alright, how does it work ? Much the same way like an ATM does. Instead of 1 doctor in a clinic, we’ll have like half dozen of machines in a premise that would be called - the cyber clinic. It’s a clinic with no nurse nor any doctors. Maybe just a couple of security guards armed with a shotgun or something … to ward off thugs and vandals. (the idea is to have a secure public premise, so, you may even have a bouncer there).

The machine, we shall call it, Automated Medical Assistance Machine (AMAM). AMAM sounded kinda absurd so, we can probably call it “The Box”.

“Oh damn, I think I’m having a fever”
“Just look for The Box dude.”

The Box, will be equipped with the most sophisticated hickeys to diagnose it’s patients. The main interface would be a touch-sensitive screen. The first step was data collection. The patient will first select from the major categories (on screen), to tell The Box what’s wrong with him/her.

Then, The Box will attempt to collect data from the patient. There would be a slot or something to let the patient insert his/her hand, and from that slot, the machine will determine the patient’s history or identity through the fingerprint ID and at the same time, determine the heartbeat rate. It probably just gonna take less than a few seconds. If it’s gonna take any longer, there will be a porn themed screen-saver popping up from the screen, to ensure that no customers would ever get bored.

To take the temperature, there will be a sterilized probe ejecting from one of it’s hidden slots, and the on screen instruction will prompt the patient to put the probe into his/her mouth (or anywhere at all) for temperature probing.

And if there’s any need to obtain the semen sample, one will just need to insert his prick into a fitting hole with contraption - where the machine will proceed to ‘milk’ out the semen using somekind of sterilized rollers … coupled with some soft porn on the screen for that brief moment. Once the semen sample is obtained, it will do some analysis on the samples and cache up the information.

Same goes for the female patient. If there’s a need to obtain any epithelial samples (or anything at all) from a female patient, the machine will be able to eject a disposable dildo to be inserted into the patient’s vagina. Of course, there will be slideshows of half naked muscular hunks to aid the process of sample collection. Once done, the disposable dildo will gently retracts back into the machine. And toot toot teet toot (no this is not R2D2), data will be transformed into useful information. No more pap smears.

Once done, all the information and data will be tabulated in some logic programming to decide, what type of medicine to dispense … and it will automatically print the instruction label on each type of medicine it dispenses.

And the machine would gladly accept credit cards. No problem.

Do you want a copy of receipt of your transactions ?
Yes.
Do you need a medical certificate ?
Yes.

And instantly, the copy of MC would be emailed to your boss and CC your HR officer.

It’s that simple.

Cool eh ?

Nobody’s gonna have to be afraid of no pervert and sex maniac doctors anymore.

We humans created the metrics system to measure something. It sort of eliminated the uncertainties that our ancestors had to endure in ancient times. Our lives prospered and our sciences advanced, all because of the metrics system.

“A 3 foot long dick, excluding the holim” and your audience will instantly go “WOW !” without having the need to thoroughly decipher the length.

“a girl with a 34D rack” and the crowds go wild without having the need to actually witness the real thing.

Something like that.

But there are a lot of things that are still left without any metrical measurements. Or just simply, they are immeasureable.

One of the most common but critical immeasureable factor is UGLINESS. It’s really hard to measure how ugly a person is. It seems that we human can’t really agree to a set of defined standard that could determine how hideous a ratfink ranks.

Well, that is about to change, for I … have discovered a way to make people connotate the depth of ugliness. We don’t have to use adjectives to describe an ugly person no more. Just use michaelooi’s… THE BARF CYCLE METRICS.

Here’s how it works:

I’m sure there’s a lot of us out there have experienced throwing up before. Be it alcohol induced or other reasons, they are the same. The moment you plops your head directly into the toilet bowl, you’ll feel some pressure from within that forcefully spouts out your half digested bolus of food or stomach lining goos.

The feeling’s terrible .. and it will last for a couple or more seconds and stop. Then if the queasy feeling persists, you’ll barf more.

That period which you continuously barf and then stop, is regarded as 1 BARF CYCLE.

How does this relate to the UGLINESS factor ? Easy. We use Cher as the standard. She’s equivalent to 1 barf cycle. That means, she’s so ugly that she could make one barf for 1 barf cycle. The maximum is 5 barf cycles. Anything beyond that would be surreal and probably a fiction.

The Barf Cycle Table.
1 Barf cycle = a person who’s so hideous that it’ll give you some uncomfortable feelings and puke for 1 barf cycle. May potentially cause loss of appetite.

2 Barf cycles = a very ugly person that makes you puke 2 barf cycles and a permanent nauseous feel. Side effects includes loss of appetite and nightmares.

3 Barf cycles = puke 3 barf cycles, permanent nauseous feel, loss of appetite, nightmares, hairloss and nosebleed. A person of this rating would probably lose the rights to vote, to legally drive or participate in any public events. Required to wear a mask to avoid public injury.

4 Barf cycles = puke 4 barf cycles, permanent nauseous feel and headache, loss of appetite, nightmares, hairloss, nosebleed, gout, gastric, high blood pressure, minor stroke, inability to control some of your limb functions. A person of this rating would be arrested by police on sight and possibly executed without trials. A mask usually won’t help.

5 Barf cycles = puke 5 barf cycles, induces palsy, possibly even permanent brain damage. The ugliness of this magnitude is legendary. Animals would attack the subject on sight, and is considered a hazard to human population. Would be executed on sight without trials, exhumed, sealed in a container, packed into a concrete drum and ploppled into the ocean.

One can never exceed 5 barf cycles … coz if you do, you’ll be completely black out and never get to barf ever again.

So, next time, if you want to describe how ugly a person is, you may use this BARF CYCLE METRICS for a more standardized expression.

An example :
ToiletWhore ? = 2 barf cycles.
ToiletWhore without her makeup ? = 3 barf cycles
ToiletWhore without her makeup and flashes her armpit hairs ? = 5 full barf cycles

You got the idea.

I was asked to attend a session of presentation by a ‘very important person’ today. My boss Pete did it. Knowing that it would be boring, I wasn’t in the mood of attending but, I don’t have a choice as Pete indirectly stressed that “attendance is compulsory”. So, I kinda reluctantly brought myself into the auditorium like room.

It all looked dull as I walked past a mass crowd of engineers who had already taken half of the available seats. If my somber mood could be directly converted to sexual gratification, I would have ejaculated all over the goddamn room. I took a nearby empty seat and started daydreaming.

Then, something came to me. I suddenly have an insight on how to have fun and amuse myself throughout the vapid session of presentation. I decided to play a game called “Spot An Idiot”. The rules ? Observe the happenings around the room, and identify who’s the idiot. It got me excited and I sat upright tight - got myself ready to play the game.

idiot #1 : Pete.
Pete was the one who invited me to this stupid presentation. It’s a waste of time. I could have used the time to do something more meaningful like surfing the net. He automatically became an idiot for doing that. Hahah… that was fun.

idiot #2 : The ‘very important person’.
He looks like a typical white fat American cop with those thick moustache. Was that kind of nobody cop that always be the first to get shot (and die quickly) in any crime battle. Coz he’s too fat and easy to hit. He became an idiot for looking like one. Period. Damn, I’m having too much fun already.

idiot #3 : A director called Hamlae (try to find out what that means in Thai…)
Once the VIP’s presentation started, Hamlae brought in 3 tins of Diet Coke with 3 glasses of ice to the VP (VP came with another 2 American managers). That was clearly a fawning act. I mean, come on, the session was only like 1 hour … not that he’s embarking a 5 hours journey to hell or something. Sheesh… That sycophant worm ought to be shoved with a whale’s dick into his ass. He’s a clear winner of all idiots.

idiot #4 : a Malay lady clerk with head scarf
Her cellphone rings out loud during the VIP’s presentation. Cheapskate ringtone of classic P.Ramlee song. She answered it and hung up. Phone rings again. The first time was acceptable, but the second time was not. She could have switched her phone to silent after the first time. Idiot.

idiot #5 : the 1st American manager
It was his turn to present. That guy did his presentation entirely by looking at the screen, not the crowd. He was reading the slides …and spoke so softly that I can barely make up the words he said. (Not that it matters, as I’m not paying attention… but it’s important to determine if he’s an idiot). Heck, if it was all about reading slides, might as well let the crowd read it themselves. We have a confirmed idiot here. Oo yeah … so many idiots.

idiot #6 : the 2nd American manager
When this guy presented his slides, he started it off by talking about his beard. He has no beard. Well, he’s actually talking about how he used to have a beard. And I think that was lame. Nobody talks about beard during a formal presentation. And it was not funny. I think he’s fucking stupid. I-D-I-O-T.

idiot #7 : Dickhead.
If you remember Dickhead, he was one of the motherfuckers I’ve listed in my hate list. Why is he an idiot ? Well, he’s always an idiot .. no doubt. But to be fair to the game, he wasn’t one … until he raised his hand to ask the VIP a question. What question ? I don’t know, coz nobody in the room understood what he’s trying to ask. The VIP, being an idiot himself, kinda answered him blindly and his answer was totally out of context. Dickhead nodded in approval (even when the answer’s not what he wanted to know). He’s trying to show everyone he “boleh”. Fuck him. He’s an idiot.

idiot #8, #9, #10…
Fuck. So many of them. Engineers. It was as if they can’t wait to tell me that they’re an idiot. It’s like zombies creeping out of the muddy dirt. A few engineers stood up to ask stupid questions … like “What is your strategy … bla bla … what is your plan … bla bla … what do you think… bla bla…” Fucking flatterers. Why won’t they ask the VIP through email if they wanted to know so much ? Why has it got to be during the presentation ? To seek attention - that’s why. Idiots everywhere.

idiot #infinity : the VIP again
I don’t understand why he can become a VIP. The rotund idiot was not only stupid, but he’s full of bullshit as well. Stone faced and probably had a 20 second delay to react to anything. He likes to use high level words… like “deliverables, strategy, align, synergize, teamwork”. Fuck. None of his presentation makes sense.
Eg. “My organization plans to work on reducing this & that through teamwork. With strategy.” Yes, but how ? Everyone kinda fucking knows what’s the goal … but HOW ? What are you high paying bastards doing except wasting time presenting something that was so spastic ? A lot of talks going on, and I have heard the same thing for so many years. None of them actually put to work.

I decided to stop counting after that - because the VIP kept showing up in my radar screen and kept messing the score. I kinda lost count and stopped.

*long post. might be boring to someone …or might be a good idea for your university thesis… whatever*

Our world is becoming smaller as each day advances. Why ? Because we humans keep having sex and duplicating … and the land area remained the same. The end result is inevitable - that the place we all live in …is going to be crampy .. and we’re gonna spend more time cussing inside the traffic. Government officials are too stupid to be able to think of something better .. and it’s a problem that seemingly can’t be solved at all.

But they are all so wrong. There’s a way out to it. I had that epiphany when I was taking a dump on my porcelain throne today. Not any simple insight.. but one that’s probably gonna change the world. One that’s going to make our world a better place to live. I’m gonna blog about it here so that no one could take the credit away if it comes true…. .Here’s how it will work. It’s called “MichaelOoi’s Concept”.

If you want to get a better grasp of what “MichaelOoi’s Concept” is all about, you’ll have to drive yourself out to the nearest expressway/highway in the wee hours of the morning. 3 am should be perfect. Park your car/bike at the side of the expressway’s emergency lane. Take a good look at your surrounding. What do you see ? Nothing. …. …

No life nothing. A blank road and with occasional drunk drivers passing by. Now, what does that mean ? In industrial term, it is called “idling”. That means, something is not put to a good use here. Roads are built for vehicles to travel upon … and when it’s left idle like this, that means, it’s losing efficiency.

“But everyone’s sleeping at that hour !” - some may say. But that’s not the point. Why do we leave our roads blank for the period of 7 - 8 hours to sleep … and then everyone fucking jam/congest it in the next 16 - 17 hours ? If this were to happen in a production line, that would meant — all of us will have to wait at least a few months just to buy a tv … and demands will overcome supply. Inflation will soar … and we won’t be able to afford even a 12 pack condom from 7-11. Why ? Because basically there will be no 24 hours production shift in the entire world to supply whatever that we need to grow !

And if you got what I meant — this is exactly what’s happening to our world today. It’s been part of our everyday life and we didn’t realize it. Why banks and post offices only open at office hour when everyone’s working ? How are they gonna go to bank if they have to work ? Take their time off from work to go to bank ? That would mean - lost of productivity … then … THIS IS EVEN WORST THAN WHAT WE ALL THINK OF !!

The problem with the world today - is that we lose too much time and resources living our life at the same shift pattern. Roads were left blank after midnight … and heavily congested during the day. Banks were open during office hour … and closed when workers are off work. And lots more.

How to solve this ? Staggered time plan. Just like the shift pattern in a factory. To maximize our limited 24 hours. Our time should be divided into 4 quadrants of 9 hours each. Each quadrant then overlaps one another by 3 hours - which makes 24 hours of the day. Then, to assign industrial sector (and all it’s direct support businesses) in one of the quadrant, then the commercial sector in the following quadrant. Then followed by government or private services (like post office, immigration, advocacy, prostitute rings, etc) in the subsequent quarter — and the last quadrant to be assigned to agricultural sector. Each sector will operate within it’s respective quadrant time range (as the basic reference point)… get the picture ?

This way, the population would be balanced out across the same piece of land, occupying every single minute of our planet with maximum efficiency. We don’t have to worry about the common “office hours” problem. We can just go to banks or post office right after work, before we sleep. The society works in circle … supporting each other moving the economy forward. No shit … that it will be a bliss for any country’s economy if this idea were to be practiced.

Advantages ? here they are
- 75% decrease (approximate value) in traffic anywhere in the country.
- maximum efficiency of working force(eg. banking after working hours, banks to operate at full capacity, etc)
- reduction of unemployment rate (government sector will require more workforce to support bigger range of “administrative hours” in country)
- reduction in vice activities (due to increase of efficiency in administrative sector as highlighted above)

and much more that probably I myself have yet to foresee.

Implementing this won’t be easy … as mankind has been following the sun all their life … and it will be very difficult to change the habit. But hey, if it’s easy, they won’t have to waste so much money building subways to cope overcrowding.

Shoot me questions if you want.

I have spoken.

I’m sure everyone have heard about the election. Recount and recount … they get different results everytime. Just, what does that mean ? It means that the current method of voting isn’t effective. Period.

Since we’re already in the computer age, I wondered why SPR didn’t consider changing the voting system into a fully computerized way. It’s simple .. really. Here’s an example how :

The citizens can use the much boasted Mykad or the barcode behind old IC to gain access to the voting compound. The guard (or bouncer) shall then guide the voter into respective booth to vote.

There will be no more traditional “X” marking on a ballot. Instead, they get a computer slip form and get to shade a box under their favourite party with a marker — and slot the damn slip into a machine. Just like how the Toto counter did … u know. Everything will be counted electronically. (if you don’t know what’s a Toto … go put your head into the nearest toilet bowl .. and flush)

The user will have to wait for a confirmation from the machine before leaving the booth. If reject, machine will spit out the slip (for re-shade) coupled with a few preset vulgar scolding from a built-in speaker -
eg:

- “Shade properly you moron !” for a university student (computer knew it from his IC .. .remember ?)

- “dey ! thamby ! ohne savadi kerporle !! shade properly ! ” for an indian juvenile (translation : little brother ! want me to kill you ? shade properly !)

- “hoi ! shade ho ho lar ! boeh tiok pak si boh ???” for a chinese ah beng (translation : shade properly ! you asking for beatings ???)

etc etc etc. You get the idea.

If there happened to be any vandalism activity (u know, malaysian youths are known to be violent against public property) in the booth on the machine, the bouncer can storm in anytime to give the vandalizer a good ass creaming action (imagine The Rock giving the one side brow tilt). The same way how they handled those drunk bastards brawling inside a pub.

So, there will be no room left for counting discrepancies or hiccups. Candidates would feel more confident about the results. And this will also eliminate those manhours needed to count the heaps of stone age ballots.

Those banners on roadside shall then be made obsolete - replaced with billboard LED panels (like a very huge TV) on streets that shows animated party campaign. Speeches and ceramahs would be streamed through live webcasts .. and for those without computers, can flock to a fully sponsored cybercafe (by the candidates) to see the webcasts. Splendid .. isn’t it ?

The next thing we know, our election would only require a few security guards / bouncers — and it would be as safe as going to a local hair saloon for a haircut. Environmental friendly, and yet effective.

Everything would be computerized and fail safe. Unless of course, the authority happen to forget to update their virus definition and causes a nation-wide infection. But this can be solved by hiring a really good looking and responsible person with high salary (like me) …to update the virus definition whenever required.

*wink*

Anyone want to be my assistant for the post “virus definition updater” ?