Let’s imagine about a girl named FeiHai. A typical Chinese educated girl she is, you know, the type that reads too much romance novels and giggles at rats thinking that they’re as cute as squirrels… and doesn’t pluck her armpit hair at all (but would pluck every single strand of her brows…)

Because she’s on a high fix of romance novels, she’s also emotionally unstable. Like once a while, she would whack buckets of ice cream in tears as a let out whenever she faces a relationship failure. (relationship failure to her = the hero in her favourite Korean soap opera had a freak accident in the bathroom and got himself killed).

Whatever she does in her life, it would turn out to be a failure. Like failing to pronounce the word “Carrefour” properly (which she would pronounce as “carry four”). Like failing to try not to fail too many subjects in school. And the most frustrating of them all, to fail her driving tests again and again - which she somehow thought must be due to her recent breakup with Victor. (*Victor is a very famous boy band member who doesn’t even know her at all). She would blame it on her lack of sleep … and the shock effect of her artificially crayon brows on the driving test instructor… basically everything but her own self.

She would then whack even more buckets of ice cream because of that, and eventually wake up one day thinking of what Jay Chou had taught countless of queer looking skinny lowlives how to get a life (like listening more of his StreetFighter Chinese language rap songs). Her sudden epiphany would instigate her to realize that she needed to change… like learning how not to cry so often and try to use her brain behind the steering wheel.

With the spirit of her yellow stained Hello Kitty soft toy, she would relentlessly try and try and try to pass her driving test. She would fail for another 30 over times before her effort finally pays off… and Feihai would finally get her driving license.

****

Frankly speaking guys, do you think it’s a good idea to let such an inept person like FeiHai to roam freely on our roads behind a killing machine of hers? I don’t think so.

She frigging failed for like 30 over times, but would still get a driving license out of only 1 pass. That’s fucking ridiculous if you were to ask me. I mean, what are the chances of her not killing anyone on the road? If you can do the math, assume that she tries not run over a herd of 31 cows that was crossing the road … and crashed 30 times out of 31 attempts to avert each of them. Do you think she’d still have the life to read more romance novels?

And these driving tests aren’t like those written exams we had in school. They’re more like tests with complete answers - and everyone had the advantage of getting themselves prepared for it. Yet these dimwits would fail again and again. Obviously, they’re not meant to drive - just like some who would crank a monotonous moo when asked to sing. Tonedeaf.

But because it is a necessity to be able to drive legally with a motorized vehicle, it is often the case the authorities would overlook the need of barring these calamitous motherfuckers from making the road a more dangerous place to commute. And we kept wondering why are there so many accidents that kill literally thousands everyday …

I’d say we scrap the current driving test system. If we want competent drivers on the road, we should stringent the criteria for getting a driving license. Like requiring a degree for driving … you know, just like any majors in tertiary education. You must have a degree to drive a car or face death penalty… something like that.

Those who fails their driving test modules (for the degree), would be barred from taking more driving courses for the next 5 years to support the public transport. This would indirectly profit the government and the money can be put for a better use like funding stem cell research so that we could clone organic real tits instead of relying on silicon bags…

And many more advantages… It’s a stone that kills many birds. I wonder why nobody thought about this…

I finally registered for my new identification card (IC) yesterday after much procrastination. Spent nearly 2 hours idling inside the id registration office, for just 1 minute’s worth of job. Fill in a simple form (your name, address and phone number), snap a photo and scan both your thumb prints. As simple as that.

It really bothered me why we need to go through so much trouble to get all that done. Like it’s so fun to sit on that uncomfortable seat whiffing the poorly ventilated office air. “Cekap dan Efisien” my ass.

If I were to be the planner for all these, things would’ve been so much better. Here’s what I would do…

Instead of hiring those sloths to work at front counters collecting data the neanderthal way, I’d say we invest the money on somekind of vending machines to process these informations. Get like a few hundreds of it and dumb them into a rented auditorium or something. Then hire a few dozen of bouncers for crowd control.

These machines, would just encompass 4 input devices. A digital camera, 2 thumb print scanners and a flatbed scanner.
digital camera - to photograph your fucking face
thumbprint scanner (x2) - to obtain your left/right thumbprint data
flatbed scanner - to record your name and last known address

An adjustable seat will be placed in front of each machine. (this is to cater for various heights amongst the people).

All an applicant need to do, is just to place his/her old IC on the flatbed scanner, take a seat in front of the machine and place both his/her thumbs on the 2 thumb print scanners respectively, while staring the camera lense at the same time. At the count of 5, the gadgets would all be activated simultaneously and record the data in digital format… and with a little bit of networking, flow those information into a main database.

That’s all. Less than 10 seconds for each person. Make it 30 seconds. And the place would be made open 24 hours 7 days a week… so that busy people like you and me can go to register our new IC peacefully in the middle of the night… when all annoying housewives are sleeping at home.

Some FAQ’s for you conservative fuckers out there that doubted this idea would work at all

Q: “How would they know it’s me if I didn’t fill in any forms ?”
A: You fucking scanned your old IC, remember ? With a little magic from some text recognition software, they’re gonna know it’s you alright.

Q: “What if I have a new address that’s different from my old IC ?”
A: Who cares ? There are a few hundreds of thousands of dwellers that are nomads. Do you think they have a permanent address ?

Q: “If the government doesn’t have my latest address, how are they gonna notify me to collect my new IC then ?”
A: Your IC will be issued on the spot. If a 60 page passport that’s capable of travelling almost the entire surface of planet Earth can be issued in just 1 day, theoretically, it’s very possible to issue a teeny weeny identification card on the spot… it’s just some common printing and lamination with a memory chip on it …

Q: “It will be pandemonium inside the auditorium ! There’s simply too many registration to be processed !”
A: It’s not gonna happen when you have a few dozens of bouncers controlling the situation with cattle prods and stun guns.

Q: “Those cameras suck ! Everything seems to look ugly in print with those cheap cameras ! Anyway to allow multiple shots so that I can choose my best looking photo to go on my IC ?”
A: Why would you want to look so good in your identification card ? Think about it. Who would usually look at your IC photo beside those loathsome cops that’s gonna write you a speeding ticket ?? Don’t be stupid. In fact, everyone should look as pissed as possible on your IC. If possible, stick out your tongue with a finger as well…like the picture in this post. There shouldn’t be any reason for you to look pleasant at all … unless you’re fond of paying summonses.

That’s pretty much about it. The rest of the unanswered questions can be found inside the toilet bowl. Just put your head into it and flush.

It occurred on one fine afternoon a few months back, when I carelessly mishandled a motherboard and cut my finger. It wasn’t a big cut but, there were a shitload of blood gushing out from that wound, as if it’s menstruating like that. Probably hit a vein or something.

Shouting “cheebye” out loud, I asked Kermit if we have a first aid kit inside our lab. He said he didn’t know. With my finger still bleeding, I scoured the entire lab for anything I can use … like a plaster or something … but unfortunately, all I could ever find was a bottle of alcohol solution, a tweezer and a Bunsen burner. Like Rambo, I poured the alcohol solution onto my wound and torched the gash with that Bunsen burner to make the wound aseptic …. The pain was so intense, that it made me yelled out loud in a virile manner, and broke a lab bench with a reflex of my flailing hand.

Alright, I made that up. Actually, I couldn’t find a first aid kit inside the lab… and so, I stormed out into the production floor to look for one. Not that the wound’s serious but, I felt inclined to plaster up before it completely drains me dry. I went like about 25 meters or so … and finally, I found one.

Like some junkie stumbling into a pot of dope, I dashed to the small white box without procrastinating further. But then, to my befuddlement, the goddamn box was LOCKED. That was when I yelled out loud “WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD GODDAMN LOCK A FIRST AID KIT ?????”. Frustrated, I began to look around for a key to that lock … but I found a notice instead… right above the stupid box. It says I’ll have to contact the Emergency Response Team member to ask for the key to be able to use the first aid kit.

I mean, can you fucking believe that ?? That’s how screw up our local management is. This is so wrong. Locking a first aid kit. Tiuuuuu … What next ? Some requirement to submit a formal application for approval before putting out a fire ? Bureaucracy at it’s worst level.

When questioned, those motherfuckers would give some excuses like they’re having problems with people stealing medicines from the first aid kit, and that prompted them to lock it. And they think it’s very smart to eliminate some other least important problems at the expense of the public safety… *shakes head in disbelief*

And about 2 days ago, while me and my bunch of BOE’s were having our lunch, I somehow came up with a pretty neat idea on how to counter those theft problems without actually jeopardizing the safety of others :

All they need to do is to leash a big ass dog (Rottweiler or a German Shepherd) right under the unlocked First Aid Kit to guard the box. This would prevent anyone from stealing the medicine. And then, a few feet away from the First Aid Kit, set up another box to fit in a baseball bat sealed in with an emergency-break-glass barrier. In case of emergency, just break the glass to get the baseball bat … and use it to whop on that canine’s skull. Once that bite machine passes out (or croaks), you may just walk over and waste the entire First Aid Kit all by yourself.

Simple yet efficient.

Fear Factor. The greatest reality TV show on Earth. You get to see :

hot chicks. with big racks. in swimsuits. embossed nipples when wet. and them eating bugs. livestock testicles sometimes. All in one show. It’s a show that emphasizes on the greed of us humans, how far are we willing to trade our fear for money…

I mean, what could be more awesome than that ?

Well, actually yes. During our tea break a few days ago, we (board of engineers) sort of came up with some ideas that could make Fear Factor an even better show than it already was…

It started out when one of our managers voiced his opinion about how Fear Factor is fast becoming more boring … so ‘predictable’… so common. We’ve seen the contenders hoovered basically everything … and that’s about the worst it could ever get. It’s becoming easier to win the 50 grands … and the show’s gradually losing it’s thrill. That’s when everyone of us gave our input… and put our engineering minds into good use - what could be done to facelift the entire show and sow new fear elements into it ?

Well, here’s what I managed to summarize from our discussions …

Physical stunts
No more jumping from buildings. No more hanging upside down from those flying eggbeaters. Those tricks won’t work anymore. Instead, the organizers should extend the physical stunts into the darker area. Make it extreme. Make it REALLY SCARY AND FEARSOME. One that would haunt them for the rest of their lives … win the money or not.

Contenders would be asked to perform bench press exercise (or push ups some may call it…), as much as they can - without revealing to them what would be the consequences.

Obtain the # of times performed by each contender, and divide their respective # by groups of 4. Record the number of the last remaining group (which will range from 1 to 4). That magic number, would be the number of choices that the contender has to choose (out of 4 selections) to be performed with a stunt … to have sex (males:screw, females:getting screwed). That’s right, have sex with strangers. Not just any strangers but… some “strangers” wild beyond your imagination.

Remember the 4 selections ? Those would be the selection of strangers the contenders have to choose.
1) a 40 years old stinking beggar
2) an 80 years old geriatric with herpes
3) a young decomposed corpse (necrophilia)
4) a sedated African Nile river crocodile (bestiality)

For example, John bench pressed 39 times. The number of last remaining group of 4’s will equal to 3. That means, John have to select 3 candidates from the above selections to ‘get that much closer to the prize money’… (which shall be raised to a mind-boggling 20 million bucks).

Eating-gross-stuffs stunts
No more eating bugs, slugs or maggots. We need to facelift the show … and those conventional creepy crawlies idea has to be ditched to make way for something more challenging. Those that people wouldn’t think of putting it through their own digestive system

Contenders will be asked to chow down half a pie of cheesecake. Once finished, they’re then required to down neat shots of whiskies until the Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC) level reaches to the level where one’s no longer be able to drive. (purpose is to trigger the puke nerve…)

Alright, once the puke nerve is activated, the contenders are required to eat either of the following :
1) the puke of a another drunk (1 liter)
2) decomposed carcass of a skunk (1 full grown dead skunk) *detoxification drug/treatment will be provided
3) the perspiration fluid from the armpits of a thousand Banglas.(1 liter)
4) camel’s saliva (3 liters)

Contenders are not allowed to puke at any time during the game to ‘move that much closer to the final stunt and prize money’. (20 millions aren’t that easy to get…)

Time bound stunts
No more collecting flags from some rickety platforms. No more who’s the fastest crashing a shitty car. This is Fear Factor goddamn it, not some high school sportsday event. This stunt shouldn’t be fun at all. It should be the hardest, time bound, and traumatizingly the motherfuckest of all fearful stunts.

Prepare a narrow but long rectangular room (suggestion : 5ft x 50ft) with an exit at each end. Fill in the room with approximately 10 sex deprived naked gay niggers. Contenders are then asked to strip naked and go through one end of the room entrance, and exit from the other. (for female contenders, substitute with straight niggers, but niggers will be asked to target the bunghole).

Whoever does the fastest, will be the winner.

Fear Factor will never be the same again… wueeekkk !

Introducing the Fornicator 2005. It may look like an ordinary helmet, but it’s not just any ‘ordinary’ helmet. It’s a *smart* helmet. Built in with the most sophisticated microprocessor, this is one helmet that could be an answer towards safer road trips.

This intelligent helmet is basically a super computer itself. With 3000 over flip chips (0.0001 micron technology) that constitutes the intelligence of 1,294,384 fully grown male human, this piece of super computer helmet is the first ever constructed in mankind history.

How does it work ? Well, It has these microscopic probes which are strategically placed under the protective layer of helmet, directly in correspond to the nerves around the wearer’s head. (this is how the processor interacts with the wearer’s brain).

What does it actually do ? Let’s think of it as an enhancer. Amplifier. Intensifier. Of the intelligence and the judgement of wearer. It has this pre-programmed decision making microcodes, which are processed at 5 billion cycles per second, to assist in whatever traffic situation the wearer has to face.

Take for example, a rider wearing an ordinary helmet is doing 160kph on an open road, when suddenly, a rabid dog decides to cross the road, 30 meters in front of the speeding machine. In a typical situation, it would be a lose-lose-lose situation. The bike crashes into the dog. Dog dies, rider dies or crippled, bike wrecked. There simply wasn’t enough time to react. Either way, the rider is fucked.

With the Fornicator 2005, this can be entirely be averted without sweat. At the split second the rider saw the dog, there would be an emergency signal sent to the microprocessor for solution. And before the rider could even realize that it’s a frigging dog, the Fornicator 2005 already executed the Dog Alert interrupt command, which would instigate the following to happen -

- “Dog Alert” interrupt command will trigger an ultra sensitive crystal oscillator to emit a high frequency sonic signal into the canine’s brain.
- The sonic signal will override whatever decision/intention that has been caching in the dog’s brain
- Instruct the fucking dog’s brain to dive away from the speeding vehicle.
- Dog’s brain sends impulses to hind leg muscles to contract and release.
- Dog dives away. This will be followed by some whining noise.

All these will only happen in less than 0.01 seconds. That’s less than a blink of an eye. The rider will only notice that there’s a dog about to cross the road and the next thing he knew, the dog landed by the side of the pavement whimpering like somebody has beaten the crap out of it. Imagine this, see dog, dog catapults to the side.

So there you have it. 2 innocent lives are saved, thanks to the marvelous safety device every created - The Fornicator 2005.

Look out for it in the stores near you.

*tips from inventor : this can be fun when you deliberately ride your bike towards any stray animals. Watch them dive !