I’ve been thinking about this, people, wouldn’t it be great if there were to be such thing as ‘active confession booth’? You know… just like the one they have in churches? Well, that’s a passive practice, since we all know that there aren’t many assholes willing to confess their wrongdoings. That’s why the social decadence. It’s not good enough.

That prompted me to think of this idea, you know, instead of waiting for people to repent and confess themselves, why don’t we make it the other way round? We get the ‘booth’ go out and around to tell them what they have done wrong, what is wrong. It’s like, an active role or something. You know what I mean? Eg. that ‘booth’ can walk up to just anyone and remarks:

- “bitch, loose the hat. It looks ridiculous on you”
- “You fucking reeked like a roach. You need a thorough bath and shitloads of deodorant”
- “Hey grandma, dressing gothly like an 18 year old will not make you any younger.”
- “I totally hate the way that panty misshapes your ass. Go wear a thong for fuck’s sake”

It may or may not involve cussing, it’s up to anyone to stipulate. But you get the idea.

Maybe it might not be very practical to get someone to walk around in a real ‘booth’. Whoever’s in there will get into a lot of trouble moving around and preaching the truth safely, especially if confronted by rash individuals who might set the booth on fire. Having put that in mind, maybe we can substitute the booth with a bulletproof/fireproof Templar knight armor or something.

With that in place, the truthbearer can easily move around anonymously without qualms and in full protection from external harm. And we’re gonna get fuckloads of these truthbearers to patrol around offices, streets and various public places, to spread unbiased honest views about everything, cleansing filth and restoring the faith in humanity.

It’ll be so friggin’ awesome, isn’t it? Now, any volunteers?

A couple of ground breaking business proposals that my colleagues and I came up during our tea break yesterday

Super awesome petrol station.
Concept is to set up a superlative premise that stands out from the rest of the conventional boring petrol stations. How? By hiring scantily clad bombshells (eg. Hooter waitresses) as petrol pump attendants. A customer just need to shove their vehicle into a designated lot, sit back and enjoy the view of those bimbos doing their job:

- pump fuel
Pump attendant shall stoop down with a loose blouse. This will maximise the sales as pervert customers will fill up their tanks full each time they refuel (full tank = gets to ogle the downblouse longer…)

- clean windscreen.
Instead of using a window cleaner or a sponge stick, we’re gonna attach 2 pieces of chamois cloth onto the bust of the pump attendant. Then, the pump attendant shall spread up onto the screen with her tits (patched with chamois) and gliiiiiiiiiide around… to wipe the screen clean.

- sales of other miscelaneous items/service
With scantily clad babes as our frontline army, we can basically sell anything to any guy. Cigarettes, condoms, car accessories, you name it. And perhaps if we want to be more creative, maybe some kinky services as well… 5 bucks per close view of the sexy petrol attendant’s armpit… 10 bucks to lick it (we’ll make sure it smells and taste good)… something like that.

It’s going to be a hit. No shit.

The neighbourhood friendly pub
Each time we think of going to pubs, we always think of negative stuffs like traffic jam, lack of parking space and how to get home safely (DUI, roadblocks, etc). So, you’re likely gonna end up worrying about more stuffs instead… which totally waive the original idea of going out to romp ourselves out.

That prompted us to come up with the idea of wiping those worries off our future clients’ minds. We shall adopt the old-school idea of providing shuttle services to the pub customers. How? Just set up a hotline and coordinate. All a customer has to do is to make a reservation through the hotline and a shuttle will be sent to pick up that customer (and all his/her cronies) at a designated meeting area … say, an LRT station or perhaps a popular mall? Hell yeah, how convenient.

And when the customers are done with their partying, there’ll be return shuttle services to send them home too. One of my colleague asked if it’s going to be a problem cleaning up pukes of drunk customers on the bus…
Well, worry not. The seat will come pre-installed with a retractable bucket that connects to a bigass tank underneath the bus. All a drunk passenger gotta do is to flip out the bucket and york their innards all they want. Their pukes will end up inside that tank without any mess.

(the cumulated puke inside the tank can then be recycled by selling them off as agricultural organic feeds for pig farmers…)

This way, the pub goers won’t have to worry about their safety, parking, traffic jam or losing their fucking license to our ever efficient law enforcement officers.

*****

You heard it from me first.

By now, most of you people would have probably heard of Asian Fear Factor getting hosted in Malaysia. Everyone’s so excited about it because the organizers think that it’ll improve our tourism industry and shits like that. (albeit I don’t quite see the connection here, seriously).

But, what the fuck, improve tourism or not, somebody’s gotta get their asses creamed… don’t they ? For they’ve failed to realize, us bunch of Malaysians have A LOT more of kinky factors for them to fearrrrrrrrr.

Well, my BODs and I actually managed to come up with some Malaysian stunts that we could use for the show… brainstormed during an outing on the weekend. (and no, our ideas weren’t fueled by alcohol at all - it’s perfectly safe…. at your own risk).

Kids… remember, don’t do this at home. Just….anywhere else but at home…

Wash the beggar
I’m very sure you guys have seen them, those beggars with unwashed wax-like-a-chump long hair that smells like a decomposed wet rug. Hell they stink so bad, that you would want to barf right away and keel over. No doubt that they’re a walking hazard to the public… (and we’ve plenty of these people on our Malaysian streets)

But with a little creativity, we can actually put their eccentric traits into good use. Like in this case, as an element of fear in the Fear Factor program. How ? Simple. Each contestant will be given a bar of soap and 2 barrels of water to wash these dirty motherfucker’s hair. Those who completes the stunt will advance to the next level … and those who barfed, or passes out, will be eliminated from the game.

Canine stunt
Rottweilers, this name shudders our very thought. They’re fucking big and badass. I bet if they were to be bestowed with a pair of human hands, these vicious doggies would use it to tot an Uzi to rob some banks and rape some chicks. No shit. But then, submitting to the will of nature, we’re lucky that these fuckers are only good at biting… and they bite hard.

Contestants will be asked to strip naked and don a fake kitty mask on their face. They will be asked to run stark naked around a cage full of these starved Rottweilers to collect some flags and stick it on their asses. The one who collects most flags in under a limited time will advance to the next level.

Aromatic Bangladeshis
You’ll always know when a Bangla is around. That’s because they have such a bad body odor, they’re part of the cause of our rising Malaysian air pollutant index (API). God knows how many Indonesian maids have been killed while having sex with these roach-smelling scum. Thousands more would suffer a slow painful death from unknown chronic diseases.

This shall be one of the toughest stunt the contestant have to face. Those who would breath under a Bangla’s armpit for the longest period of time, will win the stunt. As usual, anyone that passes out (or killed) gets eliminated. (this stunt is extremely dangerous but hey ! This is Fear Factor… not the Giddy game show… so, shut the fuck up and quit whining).

Sup Spesial Indonesia
I bet you people have noticed a menacing decline in intelligence amongst the richer Malaysians. Especially those who holds the higher management posts. Why ? Well, that’s because they’ve been feeding on these special soups prepared by their diabolical Indonesian maids. Soup made of human feces, used sanitary pads, smegmas, nasty-yellowish-discharges-from-cunts, etc etc.

Alright, these soups shall definitely be featured in our Malaysian Fear Factor. Contestants are required to toss a couple of dice to determine the amount of LITERS of these “Sup Spesial Indonesia” that they’re gonna consume. Again, those who barfs or blacks out while consuming these soups, will be eliminated from the game.

Minibus stunt
When I watched the western version Fear Factor featuring those stunts that involve those big rigs, I laughed to myself. Man, what is that compared to our minibus drivers … who’s capable of drifting on 2 wheels and speed exceeding 150% of the allowed limit ? Goddamn.

This would be a good chance for us Malaysians to show them gweilos who’s da boss. We’re gonna make the contestants climb on these speeding minibuses to collect flags, emblems or whatever. Those who collects the most objects without getting killed, gets to go to the next level.

Deep murky water
In the original Fear Factor, the organizers tried in vain to emulate the fear of diving into dark waters - where the contestants were asked to submerge into a pool of gruesome ink pond filled with decomposed squids to collect some beacon under a timed period. But hell, that’s so lame compared to our contaminated Malaysian rivers.

I’d quote Sg. Pinang in Penang for example. It is filled not only with dead squids, but dead “everything”. Cats, dogs, fishes, snakes, you name it. The water is not dark, but it’s greasy black. It’s oxygen content = NIL. That’ll be some challenge. Contestants will be asked to retrieve some sticks at the bottom of the river (which amongst the sticks, might even find some unwanted festering organic waste…). Those who survives the stunt, gets to advance the level. Those who doesn’t, well… too bad.

Well, that’s about it I guess. We actually came up with a couple dozens more, but can’t remember most of it.
(My buddy Charles actually came up with the idea of riding on a Nuri helicopter to make a few turns, but I think that’s a bit too dangerous.)

I suddenly came up with an idea of a shopping guide to AnnElle today. It all started when I saw her wearing this really ridiculous long skirt … which I commented could retard her agility.

I asked her to imagine, if she were to be suddenly chased by a slobbering mad dog … she’s gonna have a lot of problems running or climbing a tree/gate with that skirt on.

“Who said I’m gonna run ? I’m afraid of no dawg ! I could just kick the dog’s ass like nothing !”

Yeah, she’s a taekwondo black belt holder. Like it matters to a kooky dog … let alone to face the coincidence of it being a big ass dog … like a Rottweiler or something. They’re gonna bite her tits indiscriminately… black belt or not. I tell you, the best defense out there is to fucking run.

So, it all comes back to the question - is your attire ergonomic ? Yeah fucking hell… a lot of your clothes (yes, ladies … YOU) are expensive .. looks damn sexy and was made from the skin of an elephant’s placenta - it doesn’t fucking matter. But does it allow you to run ? Climb ?

Of course I’m not portending solely on situations like getting yourself chased by a pack of rabid dogs. That’s just a simple example. It could be something else that’s way more complex than you can think of … like being chased by some psychotic killer or to climb on ladders during a fire… shits like that.

So how do you know if your clothes are safe ? Most likely, you girls won’t be able to figure the difference. But worry not. You can remind yourself of “the doggie guide”. It’s the most practical and imaginable guide one can ever have … and the situation is good enough to emulate any similar predicaments you might face in reality.

Just, each time when you’re buying a pair of blouse, jeans or whatever, make it a habit to imagine you’re being chased by a dog when you’re wearing that item… and ask yourself -

“Am I gonna be able to run wearing this ?”
“If yes, is it going to be any faster than THAT dog ?”

If there’s a ‘NO’ in any of your questions, don’t buy it. If you’re not sure, just fit yourself in that blouse/skirt/pants/etc and take a run around that area and decide (hey, there’s no ruling that you can’t do that !)
*the author recommends wearing miniskirts and singlets, coupled with a pair of pull-me thong and a spandex sports bra … as they’re the most practical for situations like that …

That way, you sort of eliminated the possibility of putting your own life in danger in case you’re in a real bad luck - by being more cautious in what you buy/wear.

You’re welcome.

*this is a continuation from yesterday’s post*

If you haven’t already noticed, there has been quite a number of odd & unappealing models from Proton that has generated very disappointing sales over the years. Like that piece of junk, Juwara. I’m not sure if it’s looking more like a washing machine or a casket, but what I’m sure is, one has got to be real messed up to even think of purchasing it.

I mean, who in their right mind would think such a design would reap great success in the market ? Like come on, with that kind of shape ? It’s like buying an overpriced non-functional washing machine that unnecessarily travels to places… or an air-conditioned mobile coffin. Whatever you want to call it.

But then, the greatest mistake was not actually on the design. It’s actually the way it’s being marketed. It’s all wrong. You see, with a little bit of an ingenious tweak, this odd looking piece of junk could probably sell like a hotcake. Or possibly, even etch a name on the international market. How ? Ask engineers like me and Wilson.

For instance, we could optimistically make that thing to function like how people originally perceived it to be. Yes, as you smart people might have already guessed from the title of this entry, as a funeral car. We would aptly rename it as Proton Keranda (keranda = coffin in Malay). Here’s some of Proton Keranda’s additional features that my colleague Wilson & I had came up with :

- It is somewhat popular for a Taoist funeral procession to have a funeral car that wails out religious mantras out in public. To cater that need, the Proton Keranda will be equipped with 2 pairs of amplified 3 way component speakers that are capable of generating 10,000 watt of combined auditory output (with surround and THX) that can reach devoted mourners from a mile away. Just pop in a CD, and that’s it. No modifications needed.

- The vehicle also incorporates a build-in hydraulic lift that has the capability of lifting a 1000 kg load. Like, who knows if the deceased guy might be the size of Triple H times 2, stuffed in a coffin made of pure gold or something like that ? Would you be looking around for a hundred Banglas to lift that darn thing up ? If you have the money, can you even stand their puke inducing perspiration odour (that’s like A HUNDRED BANGLAS we’re talking about here…). A hydraulic lift would definitely be more economic & practical.

- Folded joss papers are very popular in the Chinese culture. One of the vital ingredients to honour the dead. As we all know, folding these papers can be quite a challenge especially for those who can’t even fold their own clothes for nuts. But with a Proton Keranda, nobody should even worry about folding anything. Just load a stack of those joss paper into a feeder located inside the cabin, and automatically, the machine will fold the joss papers into a pre-programmed design and dispenses it into a big bag for usage later.

- Then there are also a certain type of people who would want their deceased one to be cremated only like a week after death to make way for a longer funeral ceremony. That’s because sometimes, the deceased might be expecting his/her kin returning from a foreign country to pay him/her the last respect. In this case, the uniformed temperature stabilizer and dehumidifier inside the main cabin will be an added advantage to preserve the corpse at it’s tip-top condition, so that the tardy kin would remember his croaked old man/lady as a good looking person, not as a half decomposed maggot infested corpse.

- Getting the box up on the vehicle is one thing, getting it off is another. Like any conventional funeral car, Proton Keranda also came pre-installed with a electrically driven conveyor belt, should there ever be a need to roll the casket into a connecting furnace or something (sea, ocean, government office, etc).

- Old funeral cars often come as a standard (manual gearshifts and shits). That’s not really practical when you’re suppose to do like 10kph in a procession for the mourners to weep. (imagine the funeral car driver fall asleep and releases the clutch. Vehicle will jerk violently resulting the corpse catapulting out from the vehicle…) Taking account of this inconvenience, Proton Keranda has been designed with an auto low-speed cruise interface, where the fuel line is digitally custom controlled with precision components to ensure that the vehicle doesn’t jerk or stall at low speed cruise to ensure a smooth funeral procession.

- There will also be a 21 inch plasma display at the front of the vehicle to exhibit the commemorative photos & videos of the deceased. All you got to do was to load up images into the DVDROM located inside the console of the vehicle, and the graphics will be instantly projected on the plasma screen. No more black and white dull photos. (Heck, the dead guy can even pre-frabricate his/her own orbituary MTV featuring his/her favourite song. This can be done during the well stage of a person’s life like the insurance concept).

- air ionizer, deodorizer, etc etc.

With all those features offered, I’m very sure Proton Keranda will soon be an internationally acclaimed funeral car in the world in no time. And Proton no longer have to cower in shame of it’s negative image. Eg :

Dumbass : “Man, that vehicle sure looked like a funeral car !”

Smartass : “Well, that’s because it’s a funeral car you moron.”

Dumbass : “Owh, my bad” [proceed to kill himself]

Now who needs a Volvo for a funeral ?