Imagine this, you’re ambling around at a shopping mall after a good lunch. You’re in your smart gear - branded long sleeves. Designer slacks. A pair of croc classics, and that thick air of confidence that smelled Ralph Lauren. You’re acting like everyone’s admiring your charm and you smiled even at ashtrays… when suddenly, a fat Malay chick from a nearby makeshift stall bounces to your front blocking your way… holding a contraband traditional herb cream… and says:

“Bang! Bagi kempis perut, murah je…”
[for those of you who don't read malay: "Mister! This cream can flatten your tummy, for a very cheap price..."]

Sounds like some scene extracted from a horror movie, but I’ve seen it happened to a guy once at a mall. Guy’s expression was like being squeezed hard on the balls. Probably there hasn’t been anyone that honest to him before, like… should he appreciate that or should he just fucking mope in dejection for the bitter realization about his own physique? Whatever man, but he got his shit ruined that day out of no reason at all.

And that kinda gave me an idea about this; a good source of unbiased third party opinion can always be good fun in this world full of lies and deception, you know? Something you can use to give delusional people a slap on the back of the head. Like this bitch here.

In this case, one can actually bring her out to lunch and suck it up to her by telling her how great looking she is. And then, once she gets into the cloud nine state, you crash a brick wall down onto her by bringing her into the radar of a slimming product promoter (can be traditional herb cream or those ass cinching undergarments… doesn’t matter). A big target like her will be an easy lock for the promoter, and she’ll be approached by the promoter to downsize her lardy ass. When that happens, slip out a stifled laugh or two in front of her - that’ll burn a hole deep into her self esteem and at the same time, do her a favor by waking her up - that she’s fucking fat and she needs a few tubs of those cream to rub it off.

How cool is that?

It’ll make a good farewell gift for any fat chick that’s leaving the company. Subtle yet, effective in conveying the message. I’m so gonna fucking to that to someone someday.

(btw, what do you guys think of my new banner?)

One of the headlines in our local news site yesterday:

“New crackdown soon on tinted vehicles”

If you haven’t already read that news article, well, the main idea of the whole thing is - the government is gonna go all out against you motherfuckers out there who abetted the aliens’ evil plot to take over the country/world by tinting your vehicles.

o_O

Fuck shit if you’re not scared the daylights out of yourselves already.

So what’s this all about really? Or shall I say, is that all necessary? Why heavily tinted vehicles became such an important agenda for our government all of a sudden? To divert our attention from the leaking Parliament roof? Apparently, not.

“Heavily-tinted windscreens and windows can pose a hazard to other road-users, especially during rainy days or at night” - one of the big shots was quoted saying.

I was like, Wow, that’s something scientific that we could use to add into our goldfish-equivalent knowledge. Thou shalt not tint your ride until you can’t see through your windscreen/window. Riiiggghttt.

To make you people believe that they mean business this time, they alleged that they have imported 150 units of tint checking doohickey from Australia for 1 million bucks (with that sum of money, I can buy enough education for the MP’s in our Parliament to have a more refined behaviour) - a machine that’s capable to attributely measure light penetration through your vehicle tint, day and night. Those who get caught, will be made to pay a hefty fine of 300 bucks.

Now that’s gonna burn a hole in our pocket. All that for a decent purpose of wanting to cut the cancer causing UV and IR from messing up with our skin. They (the government) would rather let us die of skin cancer and prickly heats than looking as cool in tint as their Yang Berhormats that scoot around the city at sub-sonic speed with police escorts… They’re all out to make us look as uncool as possible. We’re needless to say, fucked.

That’s why I came up with this method to verify our tints - whether or not it allows enough light penetration into our vehicles. You know, better act fast before too late. 300 bucks are not easy to get by. (Elliot has to get anal-fucked by 300 Banglas, or the same Bangla for 300 times, to pony up that amount of cash…)

Here’s what you can do to determine if your tint’s ok and to potentially save that 300 bucks :

1) identify a ghetto or gangster spot in the city.
2) look for a specific bunch of gangsters hanging out in the open.
3) drive by in front of them.
4) wind up all your windows (if not already wound up)
5) honk to beckon for attention
6) flip those gangsters a bird.

If your car tint has adequate ‘light penetration’, you’d get those gangsters hot on pursuit behind your ass. Enough light penetration means, they can see your ‘bird’. See?

(I flipped a bird at an Indian truck driver last week, he almost got a stroke from fuming too hot over my ‘bird’. My car tint is safe. No issue.)

If they’re not reacting to anything, it’s time to get your windows/windscreen re-tinted.

Alternately, if you’re a chick, you can opt to drive around town in nude. If your tint has adequate light penetration, a lot of guys will give you a wolf-whistle or honk (or puke if you look like a walking clinical waste).

If no reaction was garnered from the exposure, then you know lah - your car needs a new tint job.

You’re most welcome.

*this post requires a great deal of reading, comprehension and imagination. Please be informed.

In its desperate bid to cut down spending and improve the financial status, Company X mandated that all the engineers in my department need to lead at least one cost reduction project in 2007 - else, we can all forget about any possibility for promotion. That’s why I am attending a whole week training about quality improvement this week. (It’s hard to earn an honest buck nowadays.)

Amongst the interesting topics that I’ve learnt today was - ‘LEAN’. ‘Lean’ manufacturing. ‘Lean’ process. ‘Lean’ shit.

‘Lean’ is about identifying and reducing wastage. It is a topic that requires some 12 full days training, and due to time constraint, we’re only allowed to skim the surface of it. There was also a mention by the trainer that ‘lean’ benefits the learner not only in his work life, but also in his everyday life - as its ideologies are applicable to virtually anything that one can think of. Which, made me ponder a little bit further about this ‘lean’ thing…

Now when I try to think ‘lean’ and associate it with our everyday activities, for some reasons unknown to me, I think about dogs. Dogs, when they eat, they fucking spill their food everywhere. Usually, 20 - 30% of them. And they always eat more than they should. Those are all wastage to me.

Maybe you don’t see it as critical as I do, but if you were to put this in cents, you’re talking about pouring your hard earned moolah into the garbage bin. Really. Having your dog spilling 30% of its food is akin to paying 100% for only 70% of the content. That’s bad karma people. There are literally millions of people struck by famine and poverty everyday, and you’re letting your dog do injustice to mankind by eating like a … dog. That’s fucked up man…

If you’re thinking ‘lean’, you wouldn’t let that happen in the first place. You’d either kill your dog, or you can use the ‘X machine’ - an innovation courtesy of my wandering mind during the lecture. Read on to find out what it is all about…

You see, we can actually design a machine that feeds our dog automatically without wastage. Here’s roughly how it should work. I’m gonna do this in point form for my convenience’ sake :

- Machine consists of a tube big enough to fit a domestic dog.
- One end of tube act as the entrance for dog to walk in, the other, was a ’special food bowl’ hooked to a microprocessor controlled food dispenser.
- An electronic weighing scale will also be placed under the tube to measure dog’s net weight.
- A 3D object scanner will be installed inside the tube to scan dog and data fed into a NURBs modelling program.
- When the 3D model of the dog plotted against the scale of tube, you’d get the average distribution of the size of the dog.
- Through some programming algorithm, you’d be able to easily convert the size and weight of dog into BMI (Body Mass Index).
- With appropriate reference to correlate a canine diet against its BMI, food will be dispensed accordingly to the ’special food bowl’.

Now we have sort of eliminated problem number 2 - dogs eating more than what they should. They will not get more, but just enough and essential to keep them healthy.

To curb wastage caused by spill,

- a larger funnel will be placed under the bowl, streaming the spilled food into a, again… ‘microprocessor controlled’ high speed blender. (everything’s microprocessor controlled nowadays… so get used to it already)
- spilled food will fall into blender through funnel, and the blender will automatically mix spilled food with 3 parts of water.
- the mixture will then be pumped into a giant syringe and jabbed into the subject canine’s ass.

So, you see what wonders can this machine do already? Food will be dispensed according to dog’s BMI… and spilled food will be processed into liquid form and jabbed into the dog’s ass. If you have a sound general knowledge, you should know that the dog will learn its lesson through the jab (Pavlov’s theory - go read about it) and next time, the darn dog realize that spilled food means painful ass. (and at the same time, we directly ‘inject back’ the spilled food into the dog without actually wasting them… how cool is that?)

Of course, there could be problems like the dog potentially damaging the machine when it shoots out from the tube (when needle stings its butt)… but that problem can be easily resolved by an automatic restraining claw. Eg. When syringe jabs the dog, a mechanical claw automatically pops up simultaneously to grab dog’s balls. Through Pavlov’s theory again, dog will know that dashing out of the tube is a BAD IDEA. *For female dogs (bitches), I’ll leave it for you guys to imagine yourself.

The whole thing may sound ridiculous but it’s actually all possible. We already have the technology and the ability to do it. It’s just, nobody gave a thought about it yet… until I was graced by the almighty God of all ‘lean’ thinking. (aren’t you guys feeling blessed already?)

You know, I am beginning to like this management training already…

(you guys let me know if you need any clarification… as I typed this whole thing with a foggy mind… Initially wanted to make an illustration for the machine, but I was too lazy to do it…)

Remember John? The callow technician whose IQ is equivalent to a box of rocks? Or less? Well, he’s now in UK studying Engineering of some sort. Yes, he’s not working for Company X anymore (I’ve briefly blogged about it here).

A couple nights ago, he messaged me through MSN Messenger. Wanted to consult me about his latest engineering project. Here’s the transcript

John : Michael

me : hey john

John : how are you?

me : fine i guess. are you in UK now?

John : yes. i need some idea from u…. about a robotic arm project…

He lengthily described about an assignment of his that involves the use of a robotic arm, and that his lecturer wanted him to think of something that can make a good use of that doohickey. But he didn’t cover a lot of essential details about that project and wanted me to shed some lights for him…

me : you could have googled it instead of asking me… you know… you’ll yield more results that way….

John : i already searched for a few days, still no idea

Situation assessment - A freshie engineering student consults an experienced engineer about an engineering assignment. Should the seasoned erudite engineer bequeath his knowledge to the young padawan? Most certainly fair for him to do so. It’s what he knows best.

So, the veteran engineer decided to altruisticly impart his knowledge for the good of humanity…

me : if you were to ask me, i’d say build a robotic arm to masturbate a man’s dick. you know, just a firm rubber grip, that could repeatedly jerk itself mad.

John : hahaha

me : maybe hook up a few probes to measure the body temp and heartbeat…. and if those data translates to an increased hormonal imbalance, then jerk faster. i’m sure your lab professor will like it. so are you building one or are you gonna write a thesis about it?

John : no, i already got the robotic arm, just want to know what i can do using this 2 robotic arms

me : Oh you have TWO arms! well, you can use the other one to twist your own nipple… or perhaps to cup your nutsack, while the other one is busy with the wanking

John : but if really want to built that, it’ll cost alot =.=

me : desperate men will pay anything for a good toy …. your uni didn’t teach you that? what the fuck dude

John : =.=”"

How about that people? A high tech robotic arm that can fulfill a man’s need indoor (well, extend a cord out, and you can even make it outdoor). If you think that invention is too self centered, then perhaps it can be utilized at sperm banks… It’ll milk sperms out of willing donors at an unprecendented pace and uniformity.

If John could make this thing happen, he’d sure become the most popular guy in the campus. Just hope that his machine works as expected, and doesn’t rip off somebody’s weiner instead.

[if you guys have any ideas that you want to share with John, feel free to 'ejaculate' your suggestion in the commenting system below.]

I’m sure almost all of you working class people have encountered dopes before. You know dopes? People that makes our life difficult? People that induces stroke amongst their co-workers with sheer stupidity? It is them I’m talking about.

So what the fuck are they doing here? How did they end up at my workplace, Company X? Or rather, at YOUR workplace? The hiring system. It is all wrong. All of them. Somehow, after advancing so many millenniums of civilization, we human failed to realize the fundamentals of natural selection, and ultimately, led ourselves towards mental decadence.

Now, you may be wondering what’s wrong here? Ask yourself, what do we people normally do prior hiring a person? Conduct an interview. I tell you, interviews are fucked up. Do you really think those stupid fuck interviews are really an efficient way to determine if a person’s the right candidate for any particular job? Fuck no. That’s because it’s simply impossible for one to be able to filter out a dope from merely a couple hours’ worth of conversation. To tell apart a retard, maybe… but definitely not a dope.

A dope, as stupid as he can be, will definitely try to look and sound at his best for an interview (a blatant act of deception). Logic tells me, that if you want to know the ability of a person, you don’t actually ask the person himself if he’s good. The person won’t admit that he’s a dope. He would be a retard if he does that. You don’t want a retard to work for you anyway. That’s why I said it’s all wrong. Conducting an interview for a job vacancy is defying logic. It’s like giving a child the chance to cheat in an examination. Or asking to be deceived… only to discover the hard way later that the person you interviewed is by no means who he’s supposed to be. It happens all the fucking time.

A good example would be Panda, if you can remember her… The bright straight A scorer. Good academic background. Very promising during the interview. But when she started work, only then my friend Wilson realized that she basically don’t even have the ability to tell apart a screwdriver versus a hockey stick… (alright, I may have exaggerated a bit far off…). By then, it’s already too late to do anything about it, but to painstakingly go through a tedious employee removal process… a waste of time and resources.

So why do we still use this same oldskool method to induct more dopes into our lives? I don’t know. Maybe there has been too much dopes around that they took over the entire rein of management, and are attempting to steer mankind backwards to their pre-civilized era. Like, if there’s anyone in the management who’s not a dope, they could’ve realized that already… (a dope won’t think a fellow dope’s a dope, if you get me…). Or maybe we’re all dopes and we don’t even know it… (except me of course, to be able to figure out all these…)

But whatever the reason is, it doesn’t matter now. What we can do now, is to do things the right way. Michael’s Smart people’s way. Just ditch the interview idea. Instead of interviews, we make a bunch of potential job candidates work for a period of time (without wage) and let the existing subordinates review their performances. The one with the highest performance review, gets the job. (in case you’re wondering, yes, it’s almost like the concept of that reality show… The Apprentice… though i never really watched it). And no, that’s not even a probational period… since there’s no contract signed or wages paid. If the person’s slow, or in any way, failed to perform within expectation, he/she can just be escorted out without having to worry about violating any employment contract. Awesome, isn’t it? Natural selection concept. That’s how crocodiles ruled the Nile till this day…

In the meanwhile, I think I’ll continue to mope and shirk around the office… and then hope that one day, I’ll be able to get around these dopes, take over their management posts and do all the changes I currently have in mind… (first thing to implement, sack the roti canai cook…). I’m very optimistic about it, wish me luck.