Archive for the ‘imaginations’ Category

December 22, 2005

lipstick mark

Somebody asked me today, why would I whimper over a paltry lipstick mark on my glass? A lipstick mark, on that supposedly cleaaaaaan plastic glass from the cafeteria. What’s the big deal about it?

It’s all about me imagining things.

1) I guess I can try to imagine that the mark belongs to a hot chick and pretend that I am virtually mouthing her. But then, the lipstick mark might also belong to that despicable harridan from Human Resource who smells like a wet mop. And I definitely ain’t mouthing any wet mop.

2) I think, if the lipstick were to be that easily part from the mouth of the wearer, that could only mean that it’s a contraband lipstick. Contraband lipstick that contains heavy metals such as lead, mercury, titanium, aluminum, condominium, paramecium, parameswara (whatever). Who knows, if these dangerous ingredients might instigate some sort of allergy that could swell up my nipple to the size of a mangosteen?

3) Or perhaps, if the wearer has a questionable oral hygiene – ie sucked her husband’s (or whoever’s) cream the previous night without washing her mouth – and painted that layer of lipstick on her lips. And what are the odds, out of a few millions spermatozoa lurking inside her mouth, that a few of them could have wound up embalmed on that layer of sticky red slick of cheap chemical? (now imagine the whole graveyard of preserved sperms were to be transposed onto the glass you’re about to take a swig from…)

Unless you fancy eating somebody’s sperm and a whole deal lot of heavy metal for breakfast (or any other meals of the day), I don’t think that would be anyone’s idea of having a balanced diet.

It’s all inside my head. (That’s why I bring my own mug to work.)

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 18 Comments
December 14, 2005

a letter to santa

Hey Santa,
I never believed that you existed. That’s because I’ve never really seen you. Yeah, I’ve seen heaps of your clones at shopping malls wearing fake beards but I have always known that they’re fake. (what they think I’m fucking stupid or something?). And that’s as far as what I can go about this whole Santa Clause business.

Though you may be myth, but I have to shamefully admit, that I’ve always marveled at the idea about you giving out stuffs for free to everyone (if they’ve been behaving themselves… that is). I mean, how cool can that be? You must be goddamn rich. Nowadays, you don’t get free stuffs around anymore, save for of course, those annoying porn spams and discount fliers in both our email and physical mailbox. Fucking hell.

Anyway, I was thinking on the other day, like, what if you REALLY EXISTED all these while and but I haven’t been redeeming something from you for Christmas? That’ll surely be a mistake too great to bear. I certainly do not want to miss such a chance… and hence, I’m doing this –

I’m telling you what I want for Christmas.

Don’t worry about that bit of me being a good/bad boy. With 28 years’ stint of unclaimed requests, it is already out of the question whether I’m qualified to be able to get what I want. In addition to that, I’m also willing to trade my whole lifetime’s Christmas gift into this deal … FIVE ITEMS FOR ME this Christmas, and you needn’t have to worry about me EVER again. I’m gonna fucking leave you alone after this.

How bout that, big guy?

(and if you can do some math, you’d figure that this could be the best for both of us in the long run.)

Alright, I’m not gonna waste any-fucking-more of your time. Here are the stuffs that I want, you make the call:

(well, actually I want lots of money above all stuffs, but being a considerate person, I understand that it isn’t really a plausible request as that would skew the economic balance of my country… so, I’d make some realistic requests instead)

1) My Canon 350D’s kit lens sucks. Its saturation and focus aren’t performing well enough for me. I’ve been doing some research, and figured that it would be best for me to fit in a Canon EF 24-70mm f/2.8 L USM Lens into my camera. That would be a perfect Christmas gift.

2) And a Speedlite 580EX flash to go along with that piece of awesome lens? It’ll be my best Christmas ever.

3) I’d love to see Lorraine gliding with a set of 17 inch Enkei wheels. Something like SC03. Ooh yeah…

4) Say, if you can wave a Jedi mind trick on my department head and influence him to authorize a fuel subsidy for my car, that’ll be awesome.

5) Everyone ought to have an altruistic wish … such as world peace, cure for cancer or something like that. So, I’m going to make one also – I ask for your blessing to those who reads my blog, to be able to achieve 10 minutes worth of orgasm EVERYTIME they have sex. (well hell, if you’re reading this entry, that very well includes yourself too. Shagging Rudolph would never be the same again for you! Talk about mutual advantage… goddamn I’m good!)

There. 5 of them. Just give it a thorough consideration and email me. We’ll talk. Cheers.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 24 Comments
November 10, 2005

a beautiful mind

*If you’re a minor, get out of here

I like solving problems. Solving problems is good!

~~~~~

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
– hot chick
– athletic built frame
– 5 ft 5 to 5 ft 7.
– Late 20’s.
– Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Transparent linen flare skirt directly/indirectly contributes to lack of productivity amongst the male employees.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)

Observation
– Subject appears to have a balanced body ratio.
– No organic modifications visible, except for a couple of pseudo eyelashes (unconfirmed)
– Heavy presence of chemicals on subject’s face.
– Gravity test failed. Minute or zilch presence of mammary glands.
– Subject appears to be donning a pair of white linen flare skirt.
– Radiation material visible underneath the mentioned skirt. Appears to be white cotton.
– No further physical defects observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
– The thin mass of linen material of skirt offered little impedance for light photons to pass through.
– As subject is donning a pair of white cotton lolas, it creates an uneven textural properties between the epidermal surface of the abdomen and the cotton material.
– When light photon passes through linen & hit the solid wall of infinite mass, the differential of surface texture reflects a substantial delta of the color spectrum – a flat white versus a slightly off fair beige.
– This would thus project an image to the human gawker, as the radioactive cotton material conspicuously accentuated between the differential of light out of the epidermal surface… that the subject is wearing just an underwear to work.
– The visual beacon reflects light in a radial manner.
– Assessed damaged is estimated to be at it’s maximum potential – 360 degrees under an average lighting condition.
– Side effects induced include lack of concentration, amplified rate of hormonal production, increased heart beat, excessive perspiration, excessive blood flow to the luncheow male reproductive organ, asthmatic seizure, glaucoma, cataracts and tuberculosis.

Corrective Action(s)
This proposal is made by assuming that the white linen flare skirt is the permanent factor and solutions are to be promoted revolving it.
– The key containment plan is to eliminate the differential of spectrum of the reflected lights off the subject’s nether region; by ensuring that the material residing underneath the white linen is uniform across the surface – which can be easily achieved by
a) wearing a large geriatric type of undergarment
b) wearing nothing underneath that skirt.

Proposal (a) would be the least favorable solution considering the fact that the subject is a relatively young and attractive female. Wearing a pair of grandmotherly underwear may void her credibility as a hot chick and prolonged wearing of such poor ventilated garment may cause genital warts and thrush.

Proposal (b) would be a recommended containment action. By removing the cotton undergarment from underneath the linen skirt, the reflected light will thus be made even – minimizing the arousal of the opposite gender that could cripple the productivity at the workplace. Other advantages of this cotton removal procedure include better ventilation of the feline creature beneath the abdomen (keep it content and all that..) and also less detergent used to wash the aforesaid cotton material (environmentally friendlier…)

The negative side of proposal (b) would be that the darker hue of the frontal pubic region would create an equivalent, if not worse, adversity than the original cotton issue. But this, however, can be easily solved by dyeing the pubic hairs to white color.

End of report.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 21 Comments
November 8, 2005

sample blog entry

My comment on the previous entry got me thinking, how is it going to be like …if one of those poo brain directors were to actually own a blog? Hell, I did my ex-boss Rob before… a fictional blog as himself. Got quite popular, but then I wasn’t free enough to maintain it and eventually had it shut down. The bad part about the whole thing was, I didn’t save all the archives for future reference… so all was lost with my delete button.

But I can still imagine how it’s going to be … if one of them were to ACTUALLY blog. It’s quite possible… really. After all, they don’t have much things to do but to sit in front of their desk pretending to save the fucking world.

Here’s my take on it…

~~~~~

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #1

I was in a meeting today with other core team members – supposedly, we were there to meet up to discuss about some really really bad and serious problem. But throughout the meeting, I couldn’t seem to register a thing they said. What projection? What percentage? What upper lower control limit? I was totally lost. So I feigned the ‘thinker’ pose that Brutus the VP had always taught me. It worked fine alright… until that smartass engineer who hailed the name Michael asked for my opinion.

Like… did I hire him to ask for opinions??? Why would he need my opinion??? These young engineers – they can’t be depended upon. Spoilt dicks. So I gave him an opinion. A standard opinion. “It’s good to see that we’ll be able to synergize our strategies in working towards a win-win situation and a better future.” [it was Brutus’ idea again. Always make up your sentences with these 4 words in all your communications directed to your employees : Synergize, Strategy, Win-Win, Future]

I see confused looks but hey… it worked again. They moved to another agenda. Phewwwww!!! Being somebody’s boss is never easy I tell you.

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #2

Man, I hate that engineer Michael. I wonder what is wrong with that prick… why he keep stepping on my tail??? So what if his black car is shinier than mine? So what if he looks better than I am? He’s just a fucking engineer. Look at him… stupid long hair with the sideburns… BAH! Sideburns are so yesterday .. ok? YESTERDAY. Today, the fad is about being bald [like me, hahaha]. If only he could figure that out.

And oh, blue jeans. Chuckles. That’s so dumb ok? When you’re about standard, white long sleeved cotton shirt is the wayyy of the execs. It’s the symbol of a man’s success and wealth… and girls dig successful men. Top it up with my Larry’s classics, FUHHHH… I’m sizzling, ok?
(Oh one thing about that white cotton shirt. When you’re in it, you wouldn’t be able to slurp soy or curry based noodles anymore for fear of spots…)

Well, let’s hope he doesn’t do any mistake… for I will axe him out of my organization. But first, I got to spend more time to understand what his work is all about … hmmmm…

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #3

I was out with Brutus the VP for golf today. Boy do I hate golf. Brutus said he hated golf too… but he said a successful leader without a golf club… is like a samurai without his blade. Or a hyena that frowns all day. Whatever. So, we have no choice but to go the way of the warrior – we play golf.

It is on these green golf courses, that businesses are discussed and alliances are forged… a place where big boys like us dress up like dorks to talk about high level stuffs. If you look it at an angle, it’s not entirely a bad thing really… but what peeves me the most, is that they don’t have enough chicks on golf courses. I’m beginning to suspect this is all a gay thing.

Perhaps I’m just jealous of the engineers – who gets to frolic around with scantily dressed bimbos at those young people clubs and all that. *pouts*

Sheesh… I think I’m gonna even that up by announcing a budget freeze tomorrow. Serves them right for having too much fun.

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #4

Shit, it’s really tough to get people to work. My admin girl Lola was on medical today, and I had to get a set of really important documents photocopied. I tried to look for someone to help me out… as I was too tied up replying emails from Brutus pertaining the missing golf balls that day. But everybody seemed to be missing today.

I tried to look up and down the office, but to no avail. Finally, I managed to stumble into a fat Indian lady who was holding a mop (one of our company products, I presume…). I asked for her help to get those set of documents photocopied… but instead of helping me, she yelled at me “PHOR DAHHH!!!” and continued to mop the floor. What kind of attitude was that???

In the end, I had to do it myself. Can you imagine that? Me as a director, had to photocopy my own documents! What kind of world has the world becometh? CheeBye. Took me an hour to figure out how to operate that stupid photocopier. Why can’t they make photocopiers to be as simple as a torchlight? Just point at document and flip a switch and you’ll get a duplicate copy. Told ya, engineers like to make things complicated. Arrghh!!!

I think I’m gonna freeze the budget for the entire year…

~~~~~

ahh~ my imaginations…

Note: The work above is purely fictional. Any similarity of characters to any living person on this planet is purely coincidental. And no, I do not have problems with my current boss. Yet.

PS: Mannn I still can’t get over the fact that I’ve lost those 5 comments from my previous post. Those were some really good comments… especially the one keyed by a guy called “tulan”. Whoever you are, so sorry bout that dude.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 15 Comments
August 24, 2005

first sex (repost)

originally posted on May 19 2004. This is a repost (with some corrections). I’m too tired to blog today.

*****
*my first sex .. so, it will of course be a lonnnnggg and explicitly detailed post… underaged boys and girls…..stay out ! Adults — read at your own discretion…

She was 17 and so was I. How did I meet her? Well, I met her in a pub. It was Modesto’s By the Sea… I can still remember. She was tall, had long flowy hairs, and a pair of jugs that would make a lot of girls envy (alright, the size is 34C… I later found out).

She was with her bunch of lesbian friends doing macarena on the dance floor – sporting a white tube – and I was with another male friend. When I first saw her, I immediately knew that I got to get this girl. She had a figure of an angel… and looked so effervescently gorgeous. Sharp eyes, high cheeks, fair complexion… as if she was made in Japan.

I made my move by offering to buy her drinks (you know… the standard old corny trick), which she accepted. She acted up a bit at first, but after I charmed her with a few of my stupid jokes, she finally accepted me as her chatting partner (that sort of shit). She even introduced me to some of her lesbian friends and we drank together. Well… they were all kinda nice as I found out later on… you know… lots of laughter and all that.

We drank together for quite a while, until suddenly, she told me that she wanted to have a walk on the beach to get some air. Well, without procrastinating, I volunteered to accompany her (being in a crocodile mood I was…) to the beach …

She told me that she is allergic to alcohol and had developed some rashes on her cheeks that night – which was why she wanted to get some air to cool it down. We walked and chatted for about 20 minutes enjoying each other’s company, when she suddenly asked me if I could do her a favor. She told me that almost all of her buddies were drunk that night… and none of them were able to drive back to their rented apartment that night. And the favor was, she would like me to drive all of them home.

Well, not wanting to disappoint a lovely face, I agreed to help her out. It wasn’t long before all of her buddies came out from the pub and headed to the car, all half drunk. I asked my friend to drive close from behind and to fetch me after I dropped off the girls. Then, I drove her Volvo 240 along with 5 half-inebriated girls (including herself) back to their apartment. She sat in the front passenger seat with me (to guide me maa…) and the rest slept at the rear seat.

I was driving at one particular stretch of the road when she suddenly asked me to turn left into a junction. With a fast reflex, I yanked the steering to make a last minute turn, which made her lean towards my direction (G-force maa..) as she wasn’t wearing the seat belt. I accidentally touched her boobs in the process (which I admit it felt kinda nice…) and that was when something funny began to take place. We sort of like “clicked” to each other there… and automatically embraced. That was when I knew… I had just got myself a field full of golden corn to harvest that night.

Alright, after I parked the car, I ran out to inform my friend to leave me be, and I returned back to the girls. I accompanied them up to their apartment and remained there. I don’t know why I did that but, it was as if some voice from heaven told me to stay. All the girls (incl. herself) then went into one of their bedroom to crash… a couple of them to the toilet to york out their alcoholic biles. I was left alone in their living room, and so, I helped myself with some cold water from the fridge while checking out the place.

About a couple of minutes later, she came out from her bedroom and gave me a tight hug. I didn’t fucking know what’s that all about but… I believe, that’s probably the reason why I stayed. We then kissed each other (it was one of the sweetest kiss I’ve ever encountered..) and started to ascend into the direction of her room. Right at that time, my heart was practically palpitating like mad… pumping high pressured blood into my entire body… and made me burn in fire. That was my first time of doing such co-curricular activity with a girl – a great looking girl at that – almost a total stranger… and definitely, for my juvenile mind, was something I would never dreamed of doing so soon. I was feeling both scared and curious at the same time… damn… it was so hard to describe.

It wasn’t long before we closed the door behind us and crashed onto her soft bed. Being an inexperienced bloke at that time, I just did not know how to proceed, but to dive straight into her promising boobs, with the clothes on. I was sort of clumsy needless to say, and was satisfying my perversion by just frolicking around her Triumph bra (I took off her tube without problem)…. and kissed her… and frolicked… and kissed… frolicked… kissed… until it was as boring as watching moss grow on a sloth’s dick.

That was when I decided to get more adventurous. I attempted to unhook her bra and wanted to check out how the wonderful pair of exotic milk container would look like without its cover. But I had a problem. Never done anything like this before, I could not get her bra to unhook… I almost cussed out loud when the passion was about to turn into frustration… until she helped me to unhook them. It was like opening a heavy lid of a treasure chest, revealing a heapful of sparkling jewel inside. The very sight of her asset was ecstatic. Never had I seen anything so beautiful in my life, it was breathtakingly awesome… plump and pinkish… and I started to caress her pair of… oh my god… that is so goddamn explicit.

Anyway, we stroked and petted each other around while sliding off the rest of our dud. It felt awkward at first but, I got used to it after a while. The feeling was warm… my skin rubbing against her smooth skin… and I was meticulous in scouring and exploring every single inch of her body. Gone were the fantasies … gone were the imagination. I found all my answers right on the same night.

Then, it came to the part when she was too hot to handle. She was grabbing me hard on the shoulder and then automatically positioned herself on top of me. I was inexperienced yes… but I wasn’t stupid. I knew that we had come to the porking point. Like what I had perceived all along through my friends and porn movies, I attempted to insert my plug into her lubricated socket (which smelled kinda funny). But it was not as easy as I thought. I couldn’t get it in! I mean, I couldn’t find the socket! It was nowhere to be found!

I panicked, felt embarrassed at the same time. It was then she asked me “Your first time?” ..which I responded by nodding. She let out a short giggle… and then began to hand guide my plug into her socket. What happened next was totally indescribable. I probably blacked out at some part of it but… the humping part was splendid. It temporary made me forgot whatever that was going on in my world and I enjoyed every bit of it.

The coitus part was quite long, probably because the presence of alcohol. We were doing it with full passion though and I could tell that from the moans that she made. It went on for about 5 minutes… until I suddenly had a funny feel inside me. It was like a “floaty” feel… you know… and the more “floaty” I felt, the faster my rpm goes.

It was hot as hell until to the point when I knew that “the thing” was about to come out from my lizard. Very fast. With a quick reflex (as always), I unplugged my jack and began to unload my nut’s contents onto her body. Like an F1 driver with a king-sized champagne on a podium, I blasted my torrent of viscous liquid starch (enriched with vitamins and minerals) all over the room. It smeared on almost everything in sight, the curtains, dressing table, her used undergarments behind the door, her pet soft-toy, windows … everything. The room looked like as if some snow storm had hit the place hard… and that’s when I realized, the harvesting season was finally over.

Not logical? Sounded fictional? You are right! Because it’s really fictional! Do you think I really am gonna blog about my “first sexperience” here? What were you thinking man? Who in their right mind would blog about their first sex ? COME ON …

It was all true until the part where the girl asked me to fetch her and her girlfriends home. I actually chickened out at that time. And that’s about it. (I think I mentioned this before inside Doc’s forum). The rest, I made up myself… because I’ve got nothing to blog about today.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 21 Comments