Archive for the ‘imaginations’ Category

April 13, 2006

meet zed


Denizens of Earth, meet a fragment of my body – my nostril hair. His name is Zed and his life motto is “just do it”.

Now most of you would ask, do what? Well, for him, he did things that none of you people are willing to do. He helps me filter out harmful particles inside my nose, preventing them from entering my lungs and screws everything up.

Being as productive as they inherently made to be, they also always take the trouble to collect them nasty dust particles together, and conveniently sticking wads of them at the wall inside my nostrils for me to collect and dispose everyday. (Zed happens to work inside my left nostril).

If it wasn’t for his (and his colleagues’) goodwill, I would have breathed in heaps of foreign materials into my system and I probably wouldn’t be sitting here still breathing today. He and his diligent group of colleagues, are not only my valuable employees, but also are my symbiotic friends. Fate seems to have arranged for us to synergize together as an integration of efficient mass, trudging through the hostile world dispatching fear, like a porcupine and its quills, a bee and its sting, a hyena and its badass teeth, a dick and its cum.

That’s how important he is to me. Or shall I say, was.

Yes, sad as I am like the rest of Zed’s colleagues, today I had to bid him an emotional farewell… for today is the day he retires from his line of duty. It was a sad news for me alright, but I didn’t plead for him to stay, as I respected his decision of retiring. He deserves the long break after all those years of hardwork.

I tried to ask what is he planning to do post his retirement – but he didn’t give a definite answer. He dawdled for a while before looking up to the sky with several beads of tears rolling down from the edge of his keratinous face. That was when I decided not to press further, perhaps the old follicle needed some time to be alone and think of his idle days getting old…

But whatever his plan is, I hope he knows that should he ever feel like coming back to work for me again, I definitely would be more than glad to welcome him back with an open nose.

“Farewell my friend…” I then said to him, and he gave me his only passport photo (as above) as a memento for our friendship and he wafted off into the thin air. He’s going to be missed by fellow colleagues, mucus and boogers alike.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 13 Comments
March 19, 2006

shocking revelation

This morning, when I was getting ready to go for breakfast, I accidentally saw something hidden behind my room CD player. It looked like a transparent container of some kind, and there was something in it. Curious, I took the container out to see what it was… and saw something that I will shockingly remember for the rest of my life…

It was a TOYOL!!!!!

(I’m sure you guys know what’s a toyol… Well for those who don’t, toyol is actually a resurrected undead fetus in the Malay mythology. A toyol is usually reared to perform mischief on behalf of its master… like stealing or crashing your computers and stuffs… It’s a form of black magic.)

Now that probably explains the scratching I had experienced last week… kanineh! Whoever that puts it there, is definitely up to no good!

I have taken a picture of that foul creature (click ‘more’ to view it, discretion is advised), and am gonna call the authorities soon…
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 23 Comments
March 13, 2006

the mosquito and the serpent

its version of the story:

“I was chillin’ out at this uber nice wet-cave-of-supreme-coolnezzzzz, minding my own bizzness, when I heard a loud thundering noizzzzze of something ripping apart. It sounded like some metal teeth grinding each other. I wazz scared of courzzzzze!

I tried to turn my head azzz far back azzz I could, to check what’zzz going on… and saw thiz colossal mouth with metal teeth gaping out wide in front of the cave entranzzze! Just as I wazzz about to freak the living shit out of myzzzelf and have a heart attack, the big-mouthed monzzzzter stuck out itzz big ugly tongue, which happened to be a scale-less fat serpent of somekind, making a partial entry into the cave!

That wazzz when I yelled ‘motherfucking hell!’ and started to flap my wingzzz azz hard azz I could, hoping to use my size azz the advantage to slip out of the giant’zzz reign of terror. And when I flew acrozz the fat serpent, I managed to catch a glimpse of itzz ugly head – it hazz no eyezz, completely bald, a bit wrinkled and hazz a puckering mouth to go with it.

Just as I wazz wondering what on the mother of fucking earth thizz goddamn fugly creature izzz, the serpent started to violently puke a torrent of stinkin’ yellow tranzzlucent liquid, shooting at the cave, and then moved towardzzz me! I of courze flapped like a mad mozzie on drugzz gettin’ my ass outta there! almozzt uzing up all my microorganizm feeding yearzz of energy, juzzt to narrowly ezzcape that dreadful puke of death!

But that wazzn’t the end of the terror, the serpent, having failed to drown me with hizz puke, suddenly lunged up of itz position to take a bite at me… so fazzt that it wazz streaking up an illuzion of mid-air-suspended yellow lucid venom in the process… GODDAMN!

Fortunately, I managed to take drop wing maneuver that uncle Louie taught me when I wazz a little mozzie, and I ezcaped the second attack unzcathed, leaving the curzed place… never looking back.

I swear on losing my proboscis that I would never hang out at cool cavezz ever again…”

his version of the story:

“I was late for lunch and I needed a quick piss. So I got in front of this nearest urinal I could find, unzipped frantically and whipped out my prick to flush out my bloated bladder. Just as that extension of my bodily organ flailed into the air space of the porcelain niche, suddenly, a mosquito appeared inside the urinal out of nowhere and began to head towards my dick’s direction.

I panicked of course, them goddamn mosquitoes have viruses! and I didn’t want to end up inside the hospital diagnosed with malaria from a mosquito bite on my dickhead! So, that little terrorist bastard had to be stopped. Having no zapper or whatsoever convenient weapon at hand, I tried to drown the goddamn insect by shooting it with my piss.

But that proved to be a difficult task, having to man-hold that mega horsepower torque turret to shoot a weeny insect no bigger than a cat teat. That bloodsucker was lucky that day to have escaped some serious ammonia poisoning. Sensing danger, the mosquito then darted towards my pubic region, probably hoping to seek temporary refuge in the lush thicket of hairs there.

That ambitious little fucker.

Of course I didn’t let that happen. I still have a last resort up my sleeve that I could use – I tried to dickslap it, which I shamefully missed (hey, try biffing up a termite with a bulldozer, you’d get my predicament)… and spilled piss all over in the process, creating an unintended mess around the urinal. GODDAMN!

But that was enough to scare that filthy mosquito away, leaving me back to my unfinished business. *heaves sigh of relief*

Man they should fog the toilet every now and then… there are some dangerous shits in there! ”

moral of the stories:
Listen to one side, you’ll get a story. Listen to both sides, you’ll get the truth.

Another community message brought to you by Ridsect and Koko Crunch.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 20 Comments
March 1, 2006

the beige colored disaster

*If you’re a minor, would you kindly fuck off.

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
– the same hot chick
– 5 ft 5 to 5 ft 7.
– Late 20’s.
– Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Ignorance in selecting proper attire at workplace may cause occupational hazard.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)
Ken (Espionage Specialist)

Observation
– Subject appears to have synthetically dyed hair, color of what appears to be a match of Pongo pygmaeus.
– Heavy presence of chemical on subject’s face.
– Subject is wearing a cropped beige blouse a size smaller than her recommended size.
– The above garment is paired with a complementary beige colored mini low-slung flare skirt, which is also a few sizes smaller.
– A large flab of abdominal lard is visible at the region in between both undersized clothing article.
– The flab is estimated to consist enough energy to light a blubber lamp for approx. 2 weeks.
– The relatively short miniskirt also exposes a significant area of subject’s inner thighs, which appears to be dominated with convoluted networks of varicose veins.
– Observation from Espionage division : Subject is wearing a pair of black lacy undergarment, which has it’s upper hem protruded above the miniskirt waistline.

Analysis & Risk assessment
– Both undersized clothing articles are insufficient to cover the subject’s vast properties of dunes and ravines, creating a void at the middle section.
– Due to the sarcoid nature of the subject, the pliant tissues of the abdomen compresses at the lower section and oozes forth at the upper side at the waistline of the undersized miniskirt, creating a revolting illusion of flabby ‘spare tires’.
– Prolonged exposure to the afore said illusion may induce loss of appetite, insomnia, cardiac arrest, permanent blindness, dementia, stroke and even brain damage to the gawker.
– The tight low-slung miniskirt, in the meanwhile, could impede the bloodflow to the subject’s nether region – which in turn, might render the subject paraplegic. An extended period of restricted bloodflow may even render her clitoris or rectum gangrenous.

Corrective Action(s)
Assuming that both the conflicting clothing articles are to stay:
Subject would need to suppress the lard tissues from bulging out at the center void of the body. This can be achieved by either means of following process:

a) Expensive solution – By cinching the waist with a tight fitting corset. The reinforced inward clench of the corset will push the fatty tissue inwards, spreading it evenly across the torso, displacing the lards to the subject’s bosom and derriere. This in turn, would shift the gawkers’ attention towards the subject’s mammary funbags and hindquarters department.

Warning: This would however, only divert the original problem to a less critical level. Prolonged exposure to abnormally large bosoms/hindquarters are known to cause deterioration in natural reflexes, hindering workplace productivity amongst male employees.

b) Cheaper alternative – The same advantage of wearing a corset, however, can be achieved with a cheaper alternative – by using poly-ethylene coated tape (a.k.a duct tape). The subject can wrap the duct tape around the protruding lardy area tightly, beginning from the lower portion of the breast extending until the upper pubic region, emulating the effects of a corset.

caution:
– not to overlap duct tape onto the furry part of the pubic patch, as the consequences can be dire…
– certain individuals may be allergic to duct tape adhesive. It is advisable to test duct tape on small portion of skin before going ahead with plan.
– duct tape may cause certain medical condition due to lack of ventilation. Subject may be confronted with a whole new level of problems that are equally (if not more) potent than the original – like prickly heat, skin laceration, cervical hemorrhage, herpes, syphilis, VD, polio, etc.

End of report.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 11 Comments
February 28, 2006

Dear boss,

I’m sure you’re aware about the recent news of petrol price hike and increase of BLR.

I, hereby, would like to inform you that from today onwards, I’m gonna spend 4 – 6 more extra hours per week at the office and claim for that ‘inconvenience’.

Be it that I sit through that 4 hours shirking off, or working for the good of the company, it matters not. You just have to approve those extra allowances with no questions asked.

It is of utmost importance that you adopt an empathetic state of mind and be positively considerate, that despite I’m working my ass off 200% more than your most productive period anytime, my wage is still a few fucking hundred folds lower than your dental privilege and subsidized car loan.

With the exponentially increasing rate of inflation and cost of living in this less than developed country of ours’, like this, it is only a matter of time before our wage increment rate fail to catch up and hit the major deficit boner – which I vehemently think is happening right now (for my case).

Soon, I won’t be able to even afford a condom for a decent intention of family control… which in turn, will spawn more moolah-leeching brats and eventually die getting mobbed by my own kids for failing to provide an adequate parental support. And if I die, you’re gonna have to hire another asshole for the job which might not be as good as I am considering the fact that I have a 7 years experience in this organization on record.

And I also understand… about the budget restrictions you management folks have to stipulate – that the company shall prioritize the spending on fancier looking publicity than giving its employees a good round of increment, lest they’ll gloat, put on weight and be a fucking vegetable.. emulating the upper hierarchy of the management.

Hence, being a considerate and rational person, it would only be pragmatic for me to just merely claim for that afore said extra hours to cover the increased expenses. A little request for a bigger cause…

Your understanding will be greatly appreciated.

Yang Benar,
Michael Ooi (only 62% evil)

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 12 Comments