I’m sure you’re aware about the recent news of petrol price hike and increase of BLR.

I, hereby, would like to inform you that from today onwards, I’m gonna spend 4 – 6 more extra hours per week at the office and claim for that ‘inconvenience’.

Be it that I sit through that 4 hours shirking off, or working for the good of the company, it matters not. You just have to approve those extra allowances with no questions asked.

It is of utmost importance that you adopt an empathetic state of mind and be positively considerate, that despite I’m working my ass off 200% more than your most productive period anytime, my wage is still a few fucking hundred folds lower than your dental privilege and subsidized car loan.

With the exponentially increasing rate of inflation and cost of living in this less than developed country of ours’, like this, it is only a matter of time before our wage increment rate fail to catch up and hit the major deficit boner – which I vehemently think is happening right now (for my case).

Soon, I won’t be able to even afford a condom for a decent intention of family control… which in turn, will spawn more moolah-leeching brats and eventually die getting mobbed by my own kids for failing to provide an adequate parental support. And if I die, you’re gonna have to hire another asshole for the job which might not be as good as I am considering the fact that I have a 7 years experience in this organization on record.

And I also understand… about the budget restrictions you management folks have to stipulate – that the company shall prioritize the spending on fancier looking publicity than giving its employees a good round of increment, lest they’ll gloat, put on weight and be a fucking vegetable.. emulating the upper hierarchy of the management.

Hence, being a considerate and rational person, it would only be pragmatic for me to just merely claim for that afore said extra hours to cover the increased expenses. A little request for a bigger cause…

Your understanding will be greatly appreciated.

Yang Benar,
Michael Ooi (only 62% evil)

Somebody asked me today, why would I whimper over a paltry lipstick mark on my glass? A lipstick mark, on that supposedly cleaaaaaan plastic glass from the cafeteria. What’s the big deal about it?

It’s all about me imagining things.

1) I guess I can try to imagine that the mark belongs to a hot chick and pretend that I am virtually mouthing her. But then, the lipstick mark might also belong to that despicable harridan from Human Resource who smells like a wet mop. And I definitely ain’t mouthing any wet mop.

2) I think, if the lipstick were to be that easily part from the mouth of the wearer, that could only mean that it’s a contraband lipstick. Contraband lipstick that contains heavy metals such as lead, mercury, titanium, aluminum, condominium, paramecium, parameswara (whatever). Who knows, if these dangerous ingredients might instigate some sort of allergy that could swell up my nipple to the size of a mangosteen?

3) Or perhaps, if the wearer has a questionable oral hygiene – ie sucked her husband’s (or whoever’s) cream the previous night without washing her mouth – and painted that layer of lipstick on her lips. And what are the odds, out of a few millions spermatozoa lurking inside her mouth, that a few of them could have wound up embalmed on that layer of sticky red slick of cheap chemical? (now imagine the whole graveyard of preserved sperms were to be transposed onto the glass you’re about to take a swig from…)

Unless you fancy eating somebody’s sperm and a whole deal lot of heavy metal for breakfast (or any other meals of the day), I don’t think that would be anyone’s idea of having a balanced diet.

It’s all inside my head. (That’s why I bring my own mug to work.)

Hey Santa,
I never believed that you existed. That’s because I’ve never really seen you. Yeah, I’ve seen heaps of your clones at shopping malls wearing fake beards but I have always known that they’re fake. (what they think I’m fucking stupid or something?). And that’s as far as what I can go about this whole Santa Clause business.

Though you may be myth, but I have to shamefully admit, that I’ve always marveled at the idea about you giving out stuffs for free to everyone (if they’ve been behaving themselves… that is). I mean, how cool can that be? You must be goddamn rich. Nowadays, you don’t get free stuffs around anymore, save for of course, those annoying porn spams and discount fliers in both our email and physical mailbox. Fucking hell.

Anyway, I was thinking on the other day, like, what if you REALLY EXISTED all these while and but I haven’t been redeeming something from you for Christmas? That’ll surely be a mistake too great to bear. I certainly do not want to miss such a chance… and hence, I’m doing this –

I’m telling you what I want for Christmas.

Don’t worry about that bit of me being a good/bad boy. With 28 years’ stint of unclaimed requests, it is already out of the question whether I’m qualified to be able to get what I want. In addition to that, I’m also willing to trade my whole lifetime’s Christmas gift into this deal … FIVE ITEMS FOR ME this Christmas, and you needn’t have to worry about me EVER again. I’m gonna fucking leave you alone after this.

How bout that, big guy?

(and if you can do some math, you’d figure that this could be the best for both of us in the long run.)

Alright, I’m not gonna waste any-fucking-more of your time. Here are the stuffs that I want, you make the call:

(well, actually I want lots of money above all stuffs, but being a considerate person, I understand that it isn’t really a plausible request as that would skew the economic balance of my country… so, I’d make some realistic requests instead)

1) My Canon 350D’s kit lens sucks. Its saturation and focus aren’t performing well enough for me. I’ve been doing some research, and figured that it would be best for me to fit in a Canon EF 24-70mm f/2.8 L USM Lens into my camera. That would be a perfect Christmas gift.

2) And a Speedlite 580EX flash to go along with that piece of awesome lens? It’ll be my best Christmas ever.

3) I’d love to see Lorraine gliding with a set of 17 inch Enkei wheels. Something like SC03. Ooh yeah…

4) Say, if you can wave a Jedi mind trick on my department head and influence him to authorize a fuel subsidy for my car, that’ll be awesome.

5) Everyone ought to have an altruistic wish … such as world peace, cure for cancer or something like that. So, I’m going to make one also – I ask for your blessing to those who reads my blog, to be able to achieve 10 minutes worth of orgasm EVERYTIME they have sex. (well hell, if you’re reading this entry, that very well includes yourself too. Shagging Rudolph would never be the same again for you! Talk about mutual advantage… goddamn I’m good!)

There. 5 of them. Just give it a thorough consideration and email me. We’ll talk. Cheers.

*If you’re a minor, get out of here

I like solving problems. Solving problems is good!

~~~~~

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- hot chick
- athletic built frame
- 5 ft 5 to 5 ft 7.
- Late 20′s.
- Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Transparent linen flare skirt directly/indirectly contributes to lack of productivity amongst the male employees.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)

Observation
- Subject appears to have a balanced body ratio.
- No organic modifications visible, except for a couple of pseudo eyelashes (unconfirmed)
- Heavy presence of chemicals on subject’s face.
- Gravity test failed. Minute or zilch presence of mammary glands.
- Subject appears to be donning a pair of white linen flare skirt.
- Radiation material visible underneath the mentioned skirt. Appears to be white cotton.
- No further physical defects observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- The thin mass of linen material of skirt offered little impedance for light photons to pass through.
- As subject is donning a pair of white cotton lolas, it creates an uneven textural properties between the epidermal surface of the abdomen and the cotton material.
- When light photon passes through linen & hit the solid wall of infinite mass, the differential of surface texture reflects a substantial delta of the color spectrum – a flat white versus a slightly off fair beige.
- This would thus project an image to the human gawker, as the radioactive cotton material conspicuously accentuated between the differential of light out of the epidermal surface… that the subject is wearing just an underwear to work.
- The visual beacon reflects light in a radial manner.
- Assessed damaged is estimated to be at it’s maximum potential – 360 degrees under an average lighting condition.
- Side effects induced include lack of concentration, amplified rate of hormonal production, increased heart beat, excessive perspiration, excessive blood flow to the luncheow male reproductive organ, asthmatic seizure, glaucoma, cataracts and tuberculosis.

Corrective Action(s)
This proposal is made by assuming that the white linen flare skirt is the permanent factor and solutions are to be promoted revolving it.
- The key containment plan is to eliminate the differential of spectrum of the reflected lights off the subject’s nether region; by ensuring that the material residing underneath the white linen is uniform across the surface – which can be easily achieved by
a) wearing a large geriatric type of undergarment
b) wearing nothing underneath that skirt.

Proposal (a) would be the least favorable solution considering the fact that the subject is a relatively young and attractive female. Wearing a pair of grandmotherly underwear may void her credibility as a hot chick and prolonged wearing of such poor ventilated garment may cause genital warts and thrush.

Proposal (b) would be a recommended containment action. By removing the cotton undergarment from underneath the linen skirt, the reflected light will thus be made even – minimizing the arousal of the opposite gender that could cripple the productivity at the workplace. Other advantages of this cotton removal procedure include better ventilation of the feline creature beneath the abdomen (keep it content and all that..) and also less detergent used to wash the aforesaid cotton material (environmentally friendlier…)

The negative side of proposal (b) would be that the darker hue of the frontal pubic region would create an equivalent, if not worse, adversity than the original cotton issue. But this, however, can be easily solved by dyeing the pubic hairs to white color.

End of report.

My comment on the previous entry got me thinking, how is it going to be like …if one of those poo brain directors were to actually own a blog? Hell, I did my ex-boss Rob before… a fictional blog as himself. Got quite popular, but then I wasn’t free enough to maintain it and eventually had it shut down. The bad part about the whole thing was, I didn’t save all the archives for future reference… so all was lost with my delete button.

But I can still imagine how it’s going to be … if one of them were to ACTUALLY blog. It’s quite possible… really. After all, they don’t have much things to do but to sit in front of their desk pretending to save the fucking world.

Here’s my take on it…

~~~~~

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #1

I was in a meeting today with other core team members – supposedly, we were there to meet up to discuss about some really really bad and serious problem. But throughout the meeting, I couldn’t seem to register a thing they said. What projection? What percentage? What upper lower control limit? I was totally lost. So I feigned the ‘thinker’ pose that Brutus the VP had always taught me. It worked fine alright… until that smartass engineer who hailed the name Michael asked for my opinion.

Like… did I hire him to ask for opinions??? Why would he need my opinion??? These young engineers – they can’t be depended upon. Spoilt dicks. So I gave him an opinion. A standard opinion. “It’s good to see that we’ll be able to synergize our strategies in working towards a win-win situation and a better future.” [it was Brutus' idea again. Always make up your sentences with these 4 words in all your communications directed to your employees : Synergize, Strategy, Win-Win, Future]

I see confused looks but hey… it worked again. They moved to another agenda. Phewwwww!!! Being somebody’s boss is never easy I tell you.

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #2

Man, I hate that engineer Michael. I wonder what is wrong with that prick… why he keep stepping on my tail??? So what if his black car is shinier than mine? So what if he looks better than I am? He’s just a fucking engineer. Look at him… stupid long hair with the sideburns… BAH! Sideburns are so yesterday .. ok? YESTERDAY. Today, the fad is about being bald [like me, hahaha]. If only he could figure that out.

And oh, blue jeans. Chuckles. That’s so dumb ok? When you’re about standard, white long sleeved cotton shirt is the wayyy of the execs. It’s the symbol of a man’s success and wealth… and girls dig successful men. Top it up with my Larry’s classics, FUHHHH… I’m sizzling, ok?
(Oh one thing about that white cotton shirt. When you’re in it, you wouldn’t be able to slurp soy or curry based noodles anymore for fear of spots…)

Well, let’s hope he doesn’t do any mistake… for I will axe him out of my organization. But first, I got to spend more time to understand what his work is all about … hmmmm…

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #3

I was out with Brutus the VP for golf today. Boy do I hate golf. Brutus said he hated golf too… but he said a successful leader without a golf club… is like a samurai without his blade. Or a hyena that frowns all day. Whatever. So, we have no choice but to go the way of the warrior – we play golf.

It is on these green golf courses, that businesses are discussed and alliances are forged… a place where big boys like us dress up like dorks to talk about high level stuffs. If you look it at an angle, it’s not entirely a bad thing really… but what peeves me the most, is that they don’t have enough chicks on golf courses. I’m beginning to suspect this is all a gay thing.

Perhaps I’m just jealous of the engineers – who gets to frolic around with scantily dressed bimbos at those young people clubs and all that. *pouts*

Sheesh… I think I’m gonna even that up by announcing a budget freeze tomorrow. Serves them right for having too much fun.

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #4

Shit, it’s really tough to get people to work. My admin girl Lola was on medical today, and I had to get a set of really important documents photocopied. I tried to look for someone to help me out… as I was too tied up replying emails from Brutus pertaining the missing golf balls that day. But everybody seemed to be missing today.

I tried to look up and down the office, but to no avail. Finally, I managed to stumble into a fat Indian lady who was holding a mop (one of our company products, I presume…). I asked for her help to get those set of documents photocopied… but instead of helping me, she yelled at me “PHOR DAHHH!!!” and continued to mop the floor. What kind of attitude was that???

In the end, I had to do it myself. Can you imagine that? Me as a director, had to photocopy my own documents! What kind of world has the world becometh? CheeBye. Took me an hour to figure out how to operate that stupid photocopier. Why can’t they make photocopiers to be as simple as a torchlight? Just point at document and flip a switch and you’ll get a duplicate copy. Told ya, engineers like to make things complicated. Arrghh!!!

I think I’m gonna freeze the budget for the entire year…

~~~~~

ahh~ my imaginations…

Note: The work above is purely fictional. Any similarity of characters to any living person on this planet is purely coincidental. And no, I do not have problems with my current boss. Yet.

PS: Mannn I still can’t get over the fact that I’ve lost those 5 comments from my previous post. Those were some really good comments… especially the one keyed by a guy called “tulan”. Whoever you are, so sorry bout that dude.