Remember those hideous fengshui thingamajigs inside my house? Well, they’re becoming less conspicuous now. Thanks to Regine, for she has been working on a project to give our home a … FENGSHUI MAKEOVER! Here are some of her works. Appreciate it, people. This is art.

These are auspicious fabrics woven from the pubic wools of 99 virgin snow yaks, hung at the weakest spot of our apartment to block the negative chi blown over from Indonesia by invisible cosmic winds…

These are no ordinary clothes hangers. These clothes hangers, have been blessed by 500 Tibetian monks at a clandestine ceremony, believed to be able to ward off evil spirits and reduce electrical overstress defects on electronic components. That’s why they’re all over my dining table, the very same table I use everyday to surf the internet and shits.

Holy elixirs of immortality and folded snow yak fabrics – strategically placed on the coffee table in the living room to absorb positive chi at the strongest intergalactic zodiac node in the 5th dimensional grid of our location. (and also reduce the radiation from the television)

The magic tree of tranquility. Embellished with paper lanterns and ancient meteorite orbs from the hanging temple of Toys’R'Us.

That’s the green caterpillar of the holy crib of Mufasa. Lying beside it, is the rag doll replica of the goddess of milk pukes and green shits. On the armrest, is a bottle of holy water to ward off evil spirits. And that white thing is just a diaper for that waving cat of fortune…. wait a minute… sorry, that’s Regine. Ahaks…

Gawddd… I’ve never felt so great before all these makeovers! **squealll!!**

1.0 Purpose and Scope.
1.1. This document defines the basic copulatory process between 2 individuals of the opposite sex.
1.2. The procedure is only applicable to humans.

2.0 Reference
2.1. Kamasutra (for advanced techniques)

3.0 Definition
3.1. Vagina – A cave-like sex organ of a female gender. Usually dry but would secrete shitloads of organic lubricant when excited/provoked.
3.2. Penis – A rod-like sex organ of a male gender. Usually flaccid but would erect and harden like a rock when excited/provoked.
3.3. Coitus – The process of inserting an erected penis into a lubed (naturally/unnaturally) vagina, and pound repeatedly for sheer carnal pleasure; sexual intercourse.
3.4. Orgasm – The condition of going into temporary unconsciousness (black out) and at the same time, experience the illusion of ascending to heaven at the peak of a copulation act.

4.0 Responsibilities
4.1. The male is responsible to get consent from the female partner to participate in the sexual intercourse.
4.2. The female is responsible to review any advances from the male that may implicate a desire for an intercourse, and decide whether to accept the offer.
4.3. The male is responsible for any side effects that may occur after the coitus.
4.4. The male, however, is NOT solely responsible to decide the suitable location to perform the intended coitus.
4.5. The female is responsible to bring the male a can/glass/bottle of cold beer (if available) when requested.

5.0 Procedure
5.1. The male shall begin the process by engaging in various foreplay acts (refer 5.2) with the female partner to:
    a) arouse the female partner and get her vagina to lube itself up (refer 3.1)
    b) arouse himself and get his penis to erect (refer 3.2)
5.2. Foreplay acts shall include, but not limited to
    5.2.1 Kissing on the mouth
    5.2.2 Penis stimulation by the female mouth, or vice versa, female mouth stimulation by the penis…
    5.2.3 Kneading and caressing the tits
    5.2.4 Licking and sucking the nipples
    5.2.5 Cunnilingus (not recommended for individuals with Ichthyophobia)
    5.2.6 Testical stimulation by the female hand, or vice versa, female hand stimulation by the testical…
5.3. The male shall continue to engage the series of foreplay acts until he receives the redflag indicator, which can be identified as following:
    5.3.1 The female starts to moan like a wildebeest.
    5.3.2 The female starts to repeatedly yell unintelligible single syllable exclamations (eg. YESS YESS OHH)
    5.3.3 There’s an overflow of liquid gushing out of the female’s vagina.
    5.3.4 The penis head is swelling up to almost the size of an automobile gear knob.
5.4. Contraception.
    5.4.1 If contraception is not intended, continue to 5.5
    5.4.2 Unwrap a pack of condom, and sheath penis into it with one hand
    5.4.3 Use the other free hand to continue stimulate female partner, lest she’ll lose the heat and abandon sex.
    5.4.4 Or alternatively, the male can request the female to help him wear the condom orally
    5.4.5 The whole process should be executed in less than 3 seconds, else have to start back at 5.1.
5.5. The male shall then insert his erected penis into the vagina, apply some pressure in the upwards position (touching the clitoris), and repeatedly ram partner in the forward direction.
5.6. The male shall continue to ram partner until his penis ejaculates.
5.7. Impromptu contraception (if 5.4 is skipped)
    5.6.1 The male shall pull out his penis from the vagina at the culmination of the coitus,
    5.6.2 Semen shall then be ejaculated onto the female partner’s body (instead of her vagina).
5.8. The male shall then moan out loud, settle down and perform either one of the following
    a) wash penis and retire to sleep
    b) wash penis and grab a beer (refer 4.5)
    c) wash penis and light a cigarette to promote lung cancer
    d) wash penis, dress up and leave
    e) wash penis and wash it again.

6.0 Forms and Checklist
NIL

7.0 Records/Data and Retention Period
Not necessary.

*****
I think this could be the first ever ISO 9000 procedure to have ever been documented for sexual intercourse… I wrote it just for fun (who knows, some virgin nerds might find this useful? They’re going to get their first pork ISO certified… no shit)

If you guys have anything else to add to the procedure, just let me know. I’ll add them in if they’re good… cheers.

*****
Update: Added 5.2.6 and 5.4.4

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- a chick in office attire.
- 5 ft 7 – 5 ft 9
- late 20′s
- Executive level workforce

Problem statement
Improperly aligned attire may rouse unwanted public attention.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)
Ken (Espionage Specialist)
Jason (Optical Specialist – special division)

Observation
- Subject is a taller than average working class female.
- The team unanimously concur that the subject has a rather fair complexion
- Attire is best described as ‘decent’, consists of a typical button up office-wear blouse and a brown knee length denim tight skirt.
- The denim skirt appears to be laterally misaligned, approximately 45 degrees out of sync from the original position.
- The misalignment is apparent enough for any third party observer to notice – that 2 of the skirt pockets that are supposed to be located on each of the subject’s hind cheeks, are offset to the side of the subject’s left hip and center of the derriere. (refer illustration below)

Analysis & Risk assessment
- The misalignment could have occurred :
a) …when subject was donning the denim skirt – Subject could be in the state of stress (eg. late for work, boyfriend refused to copulate, drifted concentration, etc) when donning the afore mentioned denim skirt, which in turn, could have inadvertently resulted the original blunder.
b) …after the denim skirt was donned – Originally, it was properly aligned, but however, due to unforseen circumstances, the skirt sort of shifted by itself and caused the misalignment. This could be due to the unmatching size of the garment (too loose, lack of retention force, etc).

- That improperly aligned skirt may potentially aggravate a seemingly harmless situation into a life threatening emergency condition.
- A possible scenario would be a race to the restroom to purge an exploding diarrhea, which the misaligned skirt might cost the subject a few precious microseconds to unnecessarily fumble for her displaced zipper/button to undone the whole article.
- The tardy response in turn could soil her underwear, which if it was to be worn into the office, its malodor might cause latent ill effects to her co-workers. Potential symptoms may include nausea, loss of appetite, accelerated asthmatic attack, malaria, ebola, ruptured uterus (for females), impotence (for males) and even nostril cancer.

Corrective Action(s)
- Unlike a 2 pronged pants, a skirt is tubularly hollow inside. Hence, it is quite difficult for one to notice if she has worn the skirt in the wrong direction, especially if it was to be done in a state of hurry and in condition when lighting is scarce.
- Based on this understanding, the team concurs that it is imperative for a skirt to be designed in such a way that the person who wears it will be able to differentiate the correct positioning even when it’s in the dark (and conspicuous enough for the person to see).

Proposed solutions:
a) Using technology (expensive)
The skirt has to have its own positioning system. Such can be achieved by attaching a battery powered bluetooth beacon on the front side of the skirt and another reference beacon to be placed on the subject’s head (can be worn like a hat/cap/mask).
The reference beacon on subject’s head will be used to triangulate the position of the skirt beacon. The data obtained will be made to go through a comparison algorithm preset inside the reference beacon, as such that if both the beacons are not in line or pointing to the same direction, the reference beacon will electronically activate an alarm (or perhaps deliver an electric shock) to alert the subject that the skirt is not properly aligned.

b) Using wits (cheaper alternative)
Subject can purchase those glow-in-the-dark plastic letterings, and stick following phrase to the front side of the skirt – “PUBE SIDE”. And following phrase to the rear side of the skirt – “ASS SIDE”. This solution requires subject to look at her skirt from time to time to be effective.

End of report

If you’re fat and ugly, please… be more considerate. Don’t wear a super short miniskirt, or expose any part of your body at all. No, none of those skimpy clothes are gonna change the general public perception about your sorry state of rock bottom charm. Given a choice, we’d rather turn our eyes to see somebody getting run over by a train, than to set our vision on your unforgiving lardy piece of bloated cunt. Sorry.

Ok, I’ve been berpuisi at DrLiew’s blog if you people haven’t noticed. And now that I find it hard to switch off the heat of it, I was thinking, what the heck, let’s puisi to the core of it.

So, sempena menyambut Hari Kebangsaan, marilah kita berpuisi beramai-ramai. Ia adalah lebih baik daripada melekat bendera di kereta anda.

Here’s some of the puisi we creative professionals have came up with … add yours if you think you can come up with more.

(it’s about a guy who got gonorrhea from some prostitutes and spread it to his wives back in his own home).

DrLiew:
Satu laki, bini dua,
Belum cukup, makan luar,
Talak pakai, topi keledar,
Sekarang bini, semua kena.

Lilian Chan
Apa dia kena doc?,
Tell all when you talk,
Kalau tidak,susah teka,
Satu hari rasa leka.

DrTamil
Kalau mahu makan luar,
Kena pakai topi keledar,
Nanti kote keluar nanah,
kena penyakit Syok Tapi Derita (STD).

DrLiew
Topi keledar, mesti dipakai,
Kalau tidak, kena AIDS pokkai;
Sendiri mati, memang mempersiasueykan,
Tapi kena sekeluarga, hamkachan!

MichaelOoi
butuh mahu gatai
tapi topi tak pakai
pundek kurap kasi sakai
sekeluarga hamkachan seipokkai

DrTamil
Kote baru panjang sejengkal,
Banyak main nak tunjuk jantan,
Kini semua dah mati akal,
Kena penyakit Akibat Iblis Dan Syaitan.

(Akibat Iblis Dan Syaitan = AIDS).

MichaelOoi
tengok puki,
buka pelikat,
syok sehari,
kesal sehayat

Majulah puisi untuk negara.

***
additionals :

MichaelOoi
monyet panjat pokok pisang,
rakus menjolok bagaikan binatang,
butuh botak dimasuk ke lubang,
dari pagi sampailah ke petang

Biji selasih ubi keladi,
selang sehari balik ke bini,
sudah beromen hendak lagi,
pundek bini ditibai bertubi

Anjing lapar makan nasi,
penyakit kelamin dah masuk puki,
sekarang bini sudah nak mati,
Sesal sekarang tak berguna lagi

MichaelOoi
nyamuk membiak di air tenang,
bulu berjuntai di bawah kotek,
pemuda selekeh pada zaman sekarang,
malas bekerja selalu kongkek

MichaelOoi
kecik kecik pundi kencing,
guna pisau cukur kening,
bila berstetoskop rasa pening,
potong bulu dengan gunting