Archive for the ‘imaginations’ Category

May 25, 2010

princess

*I am too free at work today. Feel like writing*

If you have a daughter of your own, then you probably might have heard of ‘Disney Princess’. If you don’t, well, it’s basically Disney’s franchised group of selected good looking Disney female characters from its popular range of animated movies. They are
– Cinderella from ‘Cinderella’
– Snow White from ‘Snow White’
– Ariel from ‘The Little Mermaid’
– Jasmine from ‘Aladdin’
– Pocahontas from ‘Pocahontas’
– Belle from ‘Beauty and the Beast’

Might have left out one or two, but that’s what I know.

My Regine is about to celebrate her 4th birthday soon at her nursery, and we brought her along to pick her favorite cake design yesterday. As expected, she picked ‘Belle’ amongst the bunch of princesses, simply because Belle was the only one who wears a yellow dress, which is her favorite color.

And then it got me thinking, what if I were given the privilege to pick one of the princesses for myself (you know…)? Who would I choose? For me, it wouldn’t be as simple as to pick the one who wears my favorite color, because daddy has a different agenda when it comes to selecting girls. So who would I choose? Let’s assess…

Cinderella
Good looks, handy housekeeper, and pleasant demeanor. Good singing voice thrown in as a bonus. But her animal friends (especially the mice) are going to be a drag though. The animals are going to mess up the house with piss and poo all over, and I know I won’t be able to put up with that and the possibility of contracting rabies. I’d also hate to have those animals looking at me like I’m a goddamn gladiator cum entertainer when I’m porking Cinderella.

Snow White
Well, she’s a known handy housekeeper too. That is probably the only good thing about her. Her tacky name’s definitely gonna be embarrassing, coupled with the daunting possibility of people asking if she might have been shagged by those filthy miner dwarves. But that’s not the main cockblock. The main cockblock would have to be her fucking annoying shrilly voice. Man it’s going to creep the fuck out of me. I’m sure no one would be able to stand her spontaneous break into bad singing, which no doubt would lead to a possible homicide (if not suicide).

Ariel
Flat chested, scrawny, lower half a fish. If I hook up with her, it will be the bizarrest shit ever. I’m going to be the talk of the town. I can’t imagine how our sex life would be. My dick’s going to get all these scratches (and infections) from chafing her scaly vagina, and the salty sea water’s going to make the pain unbearable. And if I ever make her unhappy, her beefcakey father of hers is going to make sure I’m a dead meat by shoving my ass with that giant trident of his.

Jasmine
I don’t remember seeing her do any housework before (from the movie). From her lushy eyebrows and thick hair, I reckon she also has an unshaved thick bush as well (probably even armpit hairs). Well that’s going to be a turn off. I hate to imagine the experience of deflowering her the first time will be like trying to spelunk a cave overgrown with thick black moss. Probably going to find ticks as big as a camel’s testicle inside, no shit.

Pocahontas
Too serious-y face. Having to put up with the grim fact of having tribals as your in-laws. Superstitious as hell. Has the tendency to hear inanimate objects talk. That could lead to some really weird situation like: “The wall just told me that you watched some porn when I was away yesterday, care to explain?”. She’s likely going to be sleazy as well – having living in a jungle with animals all her life.

Belle
Handy housekeeper, good looking, well endowed. The only thing about her is the fact that she digs bestiality. If she can’t find an animal to have sex with, she’s probably going to be very demanding in sex. She would want her sex to be aggressive, probably venturing a little into the territory of sadomasochism as well, if not a threesome with your neighbor’s Labrador.

*****

If I have to choose one anyway with a gun in my head, I’d likely go for Jasmine. I’d invest in a high quality electric shaver, pay the service of a skin specialist (to get rid of her crabs) and hire a fucking maid, to put up with her shortcomings.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 12 Comments
March 22, 2010

rendezvous

Felt like expressing myself this morning…

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 11 Comments
March 1, 2010

Mike the waiter

Manager approaches Mike the waiter, who is working on something at the restaurant,

Manager: “Mike, just wanted to let you know that I’ve fired Arun the janitor. In case you’re wondering why he doesn’t show up today…”

Mike: “What?? Why did you do that?”

Manager: “Cost reduction initiatives. He has to go.”

Mike: “Then who is going to sweep the joint, clean up the toilets and empty the trash cans everyday?”

Manager: “Errr, you mean, he had been doing all that?”

Mike: “Don’t you know that? He’s also the sole person in-charge of washing the dishes.”

Manager: “Oh crap… I didn’t know that… Can you guys cover his job then?”

Mike: “Then who’s going to wait the tables? You, Manager?”

Manager: “Hmmm let me think this through… I’ll get back to you on this…”

An hour later…

Manager: “I think I have plan. We sub-contract the janitorial job out to a third party service, how’s that?”

Mike: “So, you fired the janitor, and now you want to sub-contract out his chores to a third party service?”

Manager: “What’s wrong with that?”

Mike: “Don’t you reckon that it’s still way cheaper and easier to hire back Arun for this?”

Manager: “No it’s our HR policy. We can’t get Arun back once he is out. And our headcount is frozen, we can’t hire a new one either. We have to stick to the plan. I’m going to assign you this project. It will be a good opportunity for you to improve yourself.”

Stress veins start to pop up on Mike’s head. He removes his apron, and lunges at the manager. Then he uses the apron to strangle the manager till he is choking for breath and takes out one of his handy ball point pen, and repeatedly stabs the manager in the face until he is no longer moving.

Mike the waiter then lives happily and peacefully ever after inside the prison.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 5 Comments
August 10, 2009

Jackie Chan syndrome

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
– a fair skinned lass with straight hair
– well built
– slightly protruding 2 upper incisors
– 5 ft 2 to 5 ft 4
– mid 20’s.

Problem statement
‘Jackie Chan syndrome’ on a female subject could reverse any delectable appeal (if exist) of that person and cause occupational hazard.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)

Observation
– Subject was a relatively young and well built female of Chinese descent.
– Eyes moderately sized. Hair was straight. No piercing / artificial modification visible.
– Gravity test yielded marginal pass – moderate sized mammary glands.
– Subject was wearing a tight fitting denim pants, accentuating the derriere region.
– Subject appears to be affected with ‘Jackie Chan syndrome’.
– No other anomaly observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
– ‘Jackie Chan syndrome’ (JCS) – a condition where the inner thigh on both legs of a human subject do not come in contact with one another, resulting a noticeable ‘gap’ in between the legs. The symptom could be due to deformed bone structure, the lack of muscle/fat tissue on both inner thighs or abnormally large vagina.
– Deformation of bone structure could be due to an underlying bone disease, or a prolonged period of subjecting to unnatural postures such as riding a giant horse, a giant bike or a giant tree trunk (or any phallic shaped structure).
– Lack of muscle/fat tissue on both the inner thighs is usually attributed to malnutrition.
– Abnormally large vagina could be due to mutation from an underlying genetic disease, or a prolonged exposure of vagina to radioactive rays from a radioactive material.
– The size of gap is inversely proportional with the attractiveness rating of a subject – the bigger the gap, the less attractive the person is. Side effects to gawker include (but not limited to) – difficulty in breathing, asthmatic attack, insomnia, nausea, temporary blindness and for some terminal cases, permanent brain damage.

Corrective Action(s)
a) Wear long skirts to veil the symptom.
Upside: Immediate/quick solution. Natural outlook.
Downside: Not permanent. Not chic. Exposure to fleas from ground.

b) Silicone/saline bag implants to fill up the gap.
Upside: Permanent solution.
Downside: Expensive. Risk of infection. Unnatural outlook.

c) Amputation of both legs.
Upside: Permanent solution. Disability benefits. 50% reduction of cuticles.
Downside: Expensive. Immobility. Height reduction.

End of report.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 10 Comments
April 20, 2009

ISO 9000 2

It has been some time since I wrote anything dirty. With too much time at hands, I wrote another ISO procedure today. See if you guys can comprehend the whole thing.

*****

1.0 Purpose and Scope
1.1 This document defines the basic spontaneous fellatio between 2 individuals.
1.2 This procedure is only applicable to humans.

2.0 Reference
2.1 The human penis [Wikipedia]
2.2 The human mouth [Wikipedia]

3.0 Definition
3.1 Fellatio – The act of stimulating a penis to orgasm with the mouth.
3.2 Penis – A rod-like sex organ of a male gender. Usually flaccid but will erect and harden like a rock when excited/provoked
3.3 Mouth – A cavity located at the head with a primary function of receiving food, secondary function of communication, and tertiary function of stimulating a penis to orgasm.
3.4 Blower – The party providing the oral stimulation (fellatio) with the mouth.

4.0 Responsibilities
4.1 The male is responsible to
   4.1.1 get consent from the prospective blower before revealing his penis.
   4.1.2 provide the use of his penis for the fellatio process.
4.2 The male is NOT responsible for any potential gagging reflex that resulted from the fellatio.
4.2 The blower is responsible to provide the use of his/her mouth for the fellatio process, and undertakes any risks that resulted from the act.

5.0 Procedure
5.1 The male subject or the blower shall begin the process by removing all layers of clothing article covering the male penis.
5.2 The blower shall arouse the male penis to erection through following acts (if already erected, skip to 5.3):
   5.2.1 Stroking the nutsack gently.
   5.2.2 Stroking the penis gently between the glans and the shaft. (refer 2.1)
   5.2.3 Abrade the penis with all consented means possible.
5.3 Hygiene
   5.3.1 If hygiene is not intended, skip to 5.4
   5.3.2 Unwrap a pack of condom, and sheath penis into it.
   5.3.3 Or alternatively, the male can request the blower to help him wear the condom orally
   5.3.3 The whole process should be executed in less than 3 seconds, else start back at 5.2.
5.4 The blower shall insert the erected male penis into the mouth, and stimulate it repeatedly.
5.5 Stimulation shall include (but not limited to)
   5.5.1 Rubbing around the penis head with tongue
   5.5.2 Rubbing the blower’s teeth with the penis
   5.5.3 Controlled chewing of the penis head
   5.5.4 Sucking of the penis
   5.5.5 Sucking of the penis and massage nutsack with hand(s)
   5.5.6 Wrenching the penis simultaneously with mouth and hand(s)
   5.5.7 Sandwiching and stroking penis with breasts
   5.5.8 Foot fetish – Stroking the penis with toes
5.6 Advanced stimulation techniques
   5.6.1 If advanced techniques is not required, skip to 5.7
   5.6.2 Deep throat – inserting the penis deep into the oral cavity to touch the throat, causing a gag reflex.
   5.6.3 Turkey Slap – have the penis swat on blower’s face repeatedly.
   5.6.4 Tea Bag – blower positioned upside down during fellatio, and male’s nutsack pressing against blower’s face.
5.7 The blower shall continue to stimulate the penis until the male exhibits any of the following redflag indicator,
   5.7.1 Spasmodic twitching at the hips of the penis owner
   5.7.2 The penis owner starts to moan
5.8 Upon the identifying the redflag indicator, the blower can choose to
   5.8.1 Continue the fellatio until the penis ejaculates in the mouth, with the options to
      5.8.1.1 Spit out the semen
      5.8.1.2 Ingest the semen to reap any possible nutritional benefits
   5.8.2 Stop the fellatio but continue to stimulate penis with hands until penis ejaculates externally
   5.8.3 Stop the fellatio until penis becomes flaccid again and restart process at 5.2.
   5.8.4 Dot The Eyes – Blower to position penis pointing at his/her face, and stroke until ejaculation occurs.
5.9 Mouth / penis shall be washed.

6.0 Forms & Checklists
NIL

7.0 Records / Data retention
Not recommended

*****

Additional suggestions are welcomed.

Update:
Added 5.8.4 (Arkane)
Deleted 5.5.3 (ST)
Added 5.5.5 – 5.5.8 (chichicha)

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 11 Comments