It has been some time since I wrote anything dirty. With too much time at hands, I wrote another ISO procedure today. See if you guys can comprehend the whole thing.

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1.0 Purpose and Scope
1.1 This document defines the basic spontaneous fellatio between 2 individuals.
1.2 This procedure is only applicable to humans.

2.0 Reference
2.1 The human penis [Wikipedia]
2.2 The human mouth [Wikipedia]

3.0 Definition
3.1 Fellatio – The act of stimulating a penis to orgasm with the mouth.
3.2 Penis – A rod-like sex organ of a male gender. Usually flaccid but will erect and harden like a rock when excited/provoked
3.3 Mouth – A cavity located at the head with a primary function of receiving food, secondary function of communication, and tertiary function of stimulating a penis to orgasm.
3.4 Blower – The party providing the oral stimulation (fellatio) with the mouth.

4.0 Responsibilities
4.1 The male is responsible to
   4.1.1 get consent from the prospective blower before revealing his penis.
   4.1.2 provide the use of his penis for the fellatio process.
4.2 The male is NOT responsible for any potential gagging reflex that resulted from the fellatio.
4.2 The blower is responsible to provide the use of his/her mouth for the fellatio process, and undertakes any risks that resulted from the act.

5.0 Procedure
5.1 The male subject or the blower shall begin the process by removing all layers of clothing article covering the male penis.
5.2 The blower shall arouse the male penis to erection through following acts (if already erected, skip to 5.3):
   5.2.1 Stroking the nutsack gently.
   5.2.2 Stroking the penis gently between the glans and the shaft. (refer 2.1)
   5.2.3 Abrade the penis with all consented means possible.
5.3 Hygiene
   5.3.1 If hygiene is not intended, skip to 5.4
   5.3.2 Unwrap a pack of condom, and sheath penis into it.
   5.3.3 Or alternatively, the male can request the blower to help him wear the condom orally
   5.3.3 The whole process should be executed in less than 3 seconds, else start back at 5.2.
5.4 The blower shall insert the erected male penis into the mouth, and stimulate it repeatedly.
5.5 Stimulation shall include (but not limited to)
   5.5.1 Rubbing around the penis head with tongue
   5.5.2 Rubbing the blower’s teeth with the penis
   5.5.3 Controlled chewing of the penis head
   5.5.4 Sucking of the penis
   5.5.5 Sucking of the penis and massage nutsack with hand(s)
   5.5.6 Wrenching the penis simultaneously with mouth and hand(s)
   5.5.7 Sandwiching and stroking penis with breasts
   5.5.8 Foot fetish – Stroking the penis with toes
5.6 Advanced stimulation techniques
   5.6.1 If advanced techniques is not required, skip to 5.7
   5.6.2 Deep throat – inserting the penis deep into the oral cavity to touch the throat, causing a gag reflex.
   5.6.3 Turkey Slap – have the penis swat on blower’s face repeatedly.
   5.6.4 Tea Bag – blower positioned upside down during fellatio, and male’s nutsack pressing against blower’s face.
5.7 The blower shall continue to stimulate the penis until the male exhibits any of the following redflag indicator,
   5.7.1 Spasmodic twitching at the hips of the penis owner
   5.7.2 The penis owner starts to moan
5.8 Upon the identifying the redflag indicator, the blower can choose to
   5.8.1 Continue the fellatio until the penis ejaculates in the mouth, with the options to
      5.8.1.1 Spit out the semen
      5.8.1.2 Ingest the semen to reap any possible nutritional benefits
   5.8.2 Stop the fellatio but continue to stimulate penis with hands until penis ejaculates externally
   5.8.3 Stop the fellatio until penis becomes flaccid again and restart process at 5.2.
   5.8.4 Dot The Eyes – Blower to position penis pointing at his/her face, and stroke until ejaculation occurs.
5.9 Mouth / penis shall be washed.

6.0 Forms & Checklists
NIL

7.0 Records / Data retention
Not recommended

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Additional suggestions are welcomed.

Update:
Added 5.8.4 (Arkane)
Deleted 5.5.3 (ST)
Added 5.5.5 – 5.5.8 (chichicha)

I’ve noticed that when some people get to the down side of their emotions, they always express their misery by reciting lots of poems… I thought of giving it a try…

angin bertiup pohon melambai
minyak naik dua ringgit tujuh
tiap orang jerit mapuki cibai
menteri korup menghisap butuh

minyak naik menggila babi
amatlah banyak tak boleh tahan
kalau Ogos nak naik lagi
kenalah tidur di atas jalan

I’d update if I can think of more. In the meantime, if you guys feel like doing it also, please feel free to contribute. Let people read your feelings in its most expressive form!

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previous puisi entry…

I’ve been itching to write something in BeeEm for quite some time. This article was written over the course of three weeks, updated it bit by bit whenever I was free enough at work & finally completed it today…

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Alkisah seorang lelaki yang bergelar Hang Vimana Bin Cicak Kobeng. Rupanya tampan bagaikan Amitabh Bachan dan badannya lasak bagaikan seekor kerbau. Akan tetapi, pada hari yang penuh trajis itu, Hang Vimaya tidaklah nampak seperti itu. Wajahnya nampak gementar, kulitnya disaluti dengan lapisan minyak yang dileleh dari liang romanya yang makin aktif… dan bau badannya hangit macam seekor lipas yang telah berendam di parit. Telah tiga puluh minit Hang Vimana menanti di kawasan rimba tersebut, di bawah terik mentari, tapi orang yang dinantikannya tidaklah sampai juga.

Apakah dia telah dibaham rimau? Ataupun ditangkap dek lanun yang berleluasa di kawasan tersebut? Mindanya mula dibanjiri dengan beratus sebab. Hang Vimana mula berasa khuatir… dan melelapkan matanya…

Selang sejam kemudian, Hang Vimana terkejut beruk dari tidurnya oleh sesuatu panggilan.

“Abang Vimana! Abang Vimana!”

Tanpa berlengah, Hang Vimana terus melonjak gembira dari kedudukannya, dan menjawab panggilan tersebut

“Dik Skodeng!”

Adik Skodeng. Nama timangan kekasih rahsianya, Tempayan Binti Bawang Goreng. Orang yang telah dinanti-nantikannya hampir sepetang, jelang semalam.

“Kakanda yang dikasihi, ampunkanlah adinda yang lewat minum dakwat ini.” titah Adik Skodeng dengan semata penuh air, sehati penuh seksa.

“Janganlah adik bimbang, sewaktu menantikan adinda, abang telah lelap and bermimpikan wajah adinda yang jelita bagaikan bulan purnama. Tidaklah sedikit pun menyusahkan.” Hang Vimana pada zahirnya cuba bersenyum kambing, tapi keletihannya yang mendalam telah mengkhianati niat murninya…

“Oh kakanda oh oh. Tidak usahlah mengambil hati adinda. Adinda lewat, adalah kerana terserempak dengan Pak Busu yang menggatal itu. Adinda terpaksa bersorok di belakang tong sampah besar sehingga Pak Busu lenyap” [uwehhhh uwehhhh]

“Wahai adinda sayang, janganlah menangis. Jika berat, kita tindih. Jika panjang, kita lilit. Apakah yang boleh abang buat melainkan curahan lebih kasih kepada dinda? Que sera sera, my dinda…”

“Oh kakanda…” Adik Skodeng terus mendakapi Abang Vimana-nya, kemudian saling memandang, dan seterusnya berkucup-kucup. Tangan Hang Vimana kemudiannya menyelongkar ke bawah sarung Adik Skodengnya. Ia adalah detik yang dinanti-nantikannya.

“Oh Abang Vimana oh oh [squeeeeaaaalll]”

Dada Adik Skodeng kemudiannya dijolok oleh Hang Vimana dengan rakusnya and seterusnya kedua kekasih tersebut terus bercantum jadi satu. Pada kemuncak sesi pergustian di antara mereka, Hang Vimana memanjat ke belakang Adik Skodengnya dan terus menghempap kekasihnya dari belakang, bagaikan seekor arnab yang tidak pernah bersetubuh.

“Ya!!! Oh Yaaa!!! Yaaa!!!!”

Panggilan berahi dik skodeng berkumandang merentangi kawasan rimba, menyelami segala panggilan cengkerik yang riuh rendah. Pertemuan mereka seakan-akan telah hanyut di alam mereka sendiri. Alam yang penuh dengan asmara. Penuh dengan nafsu. Hang Vimana terus menghempap cipap kekasihnya, hinggalah dia mencapai orgasma, diakhiri dengan raungan yang kuat bagaikan seekor singa yang telah puas makan.

Tapi tidaklah disangka singa tersebut bahawa kehadiran mereka, bukanlah hanya berdua. Di sebalik semak berdekatan, tersembunyi suami Adik Skodeng – Johan Rambai (seorang yang lumpuh separuh mukanya) dengan sekumpulan rakan-rakannya dari kampung berdekatan. Mereka telah mengekori Adik Skodeng – yang pada awalnya telah disyaki berlaku curang terhadap suaminya. Sekarang mereka telah ditangkap basah, dan Johan terus melonjak keluar dari semak dan menjerit dengan bengis:

“CISSSSS WOOWEHHH WEHHH WOOO WEEHHHHH WEHHHHH!!! WEEHHH WEHHH WOOO WEHHH WEHHH!!!” [Percakapan si Johan ni agak cacat sikit, memandangkan keadaan mukanya yang serba sepastik ini...]

translasi teriakan Johan: “CISSSS BEDEBAH SI PUKIMAK HANGPA NI!!! BERANI ENGKAU BERLAKU CURANG TERHADAP AKU!!!”

Rakan-rakan Johan terus menangkap kedua-dua kekasih yang masih separuh bogel itu dan menjatuhkan mereka hukuman bunuh. Hang Vimana terus meringking macam seekor ayam yang bakal disembelih sebaik sahaja dia terdengar akan nasibnya. Adik Skodeng pula hanya tahu menangis tanpa berkata apa-apa.

Johan, dengan perasaan yang penuh kemarahan itu, terus menghunus kerisnya ke dada Hang Vimana, mati dibunuhnya. Kemudian dia berpaling ke isterinya dengan penuh emosi dan mengerat lehernya dengan keris yang masih berlumuran darah Hang Vimana. Adik Skodeng tidaklah mati serta-merta macam kekasih haramnya, tetapi kesesakan nafas, hampir mati. Darahnya mengalir derus ke bawah teteknya, dan dengan pandangan yang penuh dengan kebencian, dia sempat berkata kepada suaminya yang tidak berperikemanusiaan itu

“Adik bersumpah ke atas abang sepastik ini, yang cuba menceraikan cinta adinda yang tulus ini dengan Abang Vimana… yang kampung abang sepastik akan menjadi padang jarak padang terkukur untuk seratus generasi yang akan datang…”

Itulah sumpahan terakhir Adik Skodeng.

Maklumlah, sumpah si Adik Skodeng itu tidak menjadi sehingga lima puluh tahun kemudian, apabila kampung Johan Rambai diredah pemodenan dan menjadi sebuah padang bola sepak. Sama ada kampung Johan terjadi ‘padang’ secara kebetulan ataupun kesan daripada sumpah Adik Skodeng, tidaklah sesiapa tahu… Akan tetapi, apa yang dikatakan orang tua-tua kampung Johan, adalah bahawa Adik Skodeng itu telah menjadi pontianak, dan kerap kala menyerang kandang lembu yang berdekatan…

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I never got good marks for my karangan before… especially when it involves that ancient Bahasa Klasik. I just couldn’t get the gist of it, no matter how hard I try… That’s why I used to dread of writing in Bahasa Klasik. But now that I’m free of those belenggu cikgu-cikgu kotek and anal-retentive shitfucks, I can now write whatever/however I want without having to worry about poor marks.

This article is dedicated to all the teachers that had taught me BeeEm before… Nah!

If there is such thing as an ‘automated forensic analyzer’ – you know, a contraption that is capable to scan for microscopic remnants of any kind, on anything. You just need to dump in whatever you want to analyze into it and pimp slap a button. ZAPPP! A report will be generated in a blink of an eye.

Well, like I said, IF there is such a device, then the report for my old T-shirt would look something like this:

My current T-shirt, on the other hand, would look like this:

Tells you a lot about a person’s life, isn’t it?

This post is dedicated to a couple of my buddies who are on their way to embrace parenthood.

A friend asked me this :

If you were to encounter a road bully charging towards you in your car with a dangerous weapon, what would you do?

A) Run him over with your car? Or…
B) Confront him face to face with your own weapon?

Don’t ask me why the limited options. Obviously, there should be more options in situations like this… like maybe, to fucking bail the scene or something. But just to play along, I answered (A)… and added some details for the sheer pleasure of it…

Step 1) Run him over with my car.
Step 2) Hit reverse and run him over again.
Step 3) To make sure that he’s really down, repeat Step 1.
Step 4) Park car on top of him.
Step 5) Disembark, unzip pants and piss on his corpse.
Step 6) Pick up his weapon, and take a hard swing on his head. Wipe fingerprints and discard weapon.
Step 7) Dig out his wallet and take all his money.
Step 8) Get into car, get ready to leave.
Step 9) Make a 3-point-turn maneuver on his corpse to double make sure that he’s dead.
Step 10) Go home and have a happy evening with family.

I always dreamed of doing this to a Mat Rempit or two someday. (Like, who doesn’t?)