Archive for the ‘imaginations’ Category

August 18, 2004

Revenge of the raging panther

Mojo steps into the train station slowly. His eyes are like a panther’s, beady with sharp vision, searching for the killer which he has been hunting for the past 2 years. This is suppose to be another tip from his friend, that he would find Baal here.

He walks for the next hour, but Baal is nowhere in sight. Could this be another mistake? Ahh, to hell with his friend – Mojo thought. In fact, he has gotten used with his friend’s phony tips, that he has basically learned how to live with disappointment. He then walks to a nearby abandoned railway platform, whips out his dick and start to drain his lizard – as what thousands have been doing at that local train station.

He is not even paying attention… when suddenly he slips his dick and accidentally slops his own piss all over his hands. “Mader Chod!” he cusses, while wiping his hands on his pants. At the same time, he suddenly catches a glimpse from the corner of his eyes – the shadow of someone familiar. Someone whom he has been searching for years… it is Baal!

Mojo quickly give chase, with his dick still dangling out whipping all over the place. He garnered himself so much attention with his unintentional flashing that it quickly alerted Baal about the danger he is in. Baal gives out a yelp and flees into the about-to-move train. With the very last ounce of his strength, Mojo manage to catch up with the moving train and dive-grab the nearest railing available. Still panting… Mojo begins to search coach after coach for his sworn enemy… with a vengeful mood.

When he arrives to the third coach, he suddenly hears a loud blood curdling scream of a woman’s – which appears to be a female pilgrim’s reaction when she sees his semi-dark dick protruding out of his unclosed barn door. He quickly zips his pants in embarrassment. That is when he notices someone sneaking past behind him, and he could sense, that it is Baal himself!

He quickly turns around and grabs Baal’s arm. Then he clenches his fist and gives Baal a hard punch on the face – DUSSSSSHHHHHH. The noise is so loud that it staggers some of the passengers and causes some of them jump out from the train… rolling away on the side of the rail track. Mojo pulls a second punch, but this time, Baal manage to duck in time and the punch strays onto a housewife’s face. Again, a loud sound reverberates across the crowded train carriage… DUSSSSSSHHHHH. The housewife blacks out. That was a punch that not even a cow can bear. A quick scuffle ensues and Baal manage to squirm himself free from Mojo’s grasp… and the villain climbs up to the roof of the train.

The real battle begins. A fight that is so dangerous, that even standing on top of the train alone… is already an insane stunt! Mojo climbs up and comes in face to face with Baal. That is when Baal let out a big cunning cackle

“Hah hah hah ha ha haa !! Mein teri maa ko teri bhen ki choot mein chodoonga aur tera baap laltern lekar aayega !”

Mojo replies ..

“Tere maa ko sau kutte chode – sau wa tera baap!”

A moment of silence after that. Both are locking at each other’s gaze and are building up their energy to settle the score. They remain like that for the whole 10 minutes, until Mojo feels the numb on his feet. That is about the time when Baal suddenly charges forward with his flying kick… and hit Mojo square on his chest. DUSSSSSSHHHH … the hit emits a sound so loud that it almost derails the train. Mojo was catapulted about 6 feet away from the spot he stood… feet still numb.

Baal, being a very evil person, wastes no time and pins the already fallen Mojo with his weight. He is like half sitting on Mojo and starts to punch him hard repeatedly on the head and face – BISSSH DUSSSSH BISSSSH DUSSSSH BOSSSSHHHH … it is a very sad scene. Mojo is bleeding very profusely on the head from the repeated pummeling. The situation seems dire for Mojo… when suddenly, a blurry image of an old lady emerges in his fading mind. It is his deceased mother… saying to him “Tere adha Nirodh mein rah gaya…”

The 5 words, like a boost of adrenaline, resuscitated his strength to fight again. With his new found strength, he blocks both of Baal’s swinging fists, and headbutts him right at his nose – DOOBBBBBB. Then a right hook on his face – DISSSHHHHHHH. Then a left hook – DUSSHHHHHHH. And finally he takes out his belt and swings at Baal’s face – SWISSHHHHHH. Baal becomes very weak from the several critical hit and pukes. Mojo then delivers the final death blow – the flying elbow – into Baal’s ribs and it goes DOORRRKKKK! Baal slips into a gap between the carriages of the moving train… and is crushed to death. CRACCKKK ! That’s Baal’s skull split open like a peanut shell.

Mojo kneels in victory and smiles triumphantly to himself. He has finally killed Baal and fulfills his promise to his dead mother, that he would never use a chainsaw to fight. Then suddenly, a girl with a knockout body climbs up onto the train roof and wipes the blood off Mojo’s forehead… and said “a/s/l pls …” Mojo finally finds a girl he likes and they start to sing and dance together… occasionally roll on the train top. And they live happily ever after.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
August 4, 2004

composition

I remembered I scored quite well for my composition in BM when I was schooling, but am not really sure about now after so many years stopped communicating in that language. I decided to translate my previous superficial entry into BM … and let me know how I would have scored.
Note: I use no dictionary (coz i don’t have one) and some of the words/vocab might be inaccurate. Feel free to correct me.
Note: Foreigners who doesn’t read BM, this is a direct translation of my blog entry on 2nd August.

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Pada suatu hari, setelah terasa sendiri sudah lama tidak pergi bersenam, saya bercadang untuk pergi berjoging di sekitar kawasan perumahan. Dengan pakaian Mizuno and kasut lari Nike ku, maka berlepaslah saya … berlari bagaikan johan. Kegembiraan tu … tiada bandingannya dan oh .. terasa unggul sungguh dapat menghirup udara segar sambil menghindirkan kerimat kotor. Saya memecut lalu sekumpulan gadis sekolah, dan melambaikan kepada mereka. Berlari lepas sekumpulan lembu sambil senyum … dan kemudian sekumpulan serigala orang tua … dan menunjukkan punggung. Ia merupakan hari yang indah. Tidak pernah saya terasa begitu rapat dengan planet Bumi. Pokok-pokok …. burung-burung…. dan jiran-jiran yang serba baik …. ahhhhh.

Apabila saya sedang berjongket di suatu selekoh, tiba-tiba, saya terasa diekori orang. Rupanya, sebuah motosikal sedang mengekori saya. Oleh kerana saya berasa tidak selesa dengannya, saya terus bersembunyi di belakang sebuah tong sampah besar … di lorong berdekatan sehingga saya pasti yang motosikal itu telah lenyap. Selepas itu, saya terus berlari secepat kongket mungkin ke arah yang bertentangan untuk balik ke rumah……

Ketika saya sedang meninggalkan lorong tersebut ke jalan besar, tiba-tiba, seorang lelaki melonjak entah dari mana. Lelaki itu berbadan besar seperti H-TigaKaliGanda … dan sedang bersengih bagaikan seekor kucing-bob. Amat jelas sekali, yang lelaki ini orang jahat, kerana ternampak tangannya memegang sebilah pisau durian. Dengan tidak membuang masa, saya terus berlari ke arah yang sebelah lagi … tapi, dihalang oleh satu lagi orang jahat yang berbadan besar ! Orang jahat yang kedua ini, bagaikan saiz Kingkong Bundy dan tangannya sedang memegang sebatang kayu yang besar. (jikalau anda tidak tahu siapa itu H-TigaKaliGanda atau KingKong Bundy, tolonglah .. pergi cari sebuah jamban yang berdekatan… taruk kepala anda ke dalamnya … dan pancur.)

Saya terperangkap ! Menampakkan muka 2 lelaki itu yang begitu bengis, saya rasa mereka bukan ke sini untuk berjabat tangan dan bersosial. Yang dapat saya buat ialah berharap .. supaya mereka bukan sepasang manusia homoseks yang laparkan lubang punggung dan sedang mencari mangsa …. ataupun orang jahat yang bertujuan untuk menyembelih orang secara syok.

Oleh kerana terperangkap dan tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa, saya terus teringatkan prosedur kecemasan yang saya terlajar dari TV — menjerit dengan sekuat hatinya. Apabila kedua penjahat tersebut bersedia untuk menerkam saya, tiba-tiba, saya terdengar bunyi denguran yang kuat. Tidak hairan, yang kedua penjahat juga tersempuk apabila terdengar bunyi tersebut dan keadaan ketika itu bagaikan terhenti.

Pada ketika itulah, saya ternampak sesuatu yang menyebabkan pengalaman ini susah dilupakan. Seorang lelaki .. bukan .. seekor anjing … bukan .. saya tidak pasti. Ia nampak macam separuh manusia dan separuh anjing dalam pakaian getah … yang sedang berdiri dengan gaya model bertelanjang Leonardo DaVinci. Tidak payah cakap, ketiga-tiga kami terus bengang – kerana tiada yang diantara kami tahu apakah gerangannya benda itu. Makhluk itu kemudiannya berjoget dengan perlahannya ke arah kami … sehingga bayangan besarnya mengerhanakan segala cahaya dari arahnya.

Saya amat takut, kerana sudahlah dipaksa dirompak oleh kedua penjahat itu .. dan sekarang kenalah pula berdepan dengan raksasa anjing ini. Saya terus memejamkan mata dan berdoa supaya pengongket-emak itu akan mengakhirkan segala-galanya secepat mungkin …. dan tiba-tiba, saya terdengar suara orang bertitah :

“Lepaskan lelaki serba kacak itu”

Suara itu kepunyaan makhluk anjing itu. Dia tu tahu bercakap. Sejuk.

Salah satu daripada pengganas itu terus menghayunkan kayu besarnya ke arah muka manusia-anjing itu, tanpa melengahkan masa untuk memahamkan keadaan. Manusia-anjing itu membuka mulutnya and membahamkan kayu itu kepada 2 bahagian …. kemudian mengigit tangan KingKong. Aduh, gigitan manusia-anjing itu amatlah kuat, sehingga tangan KingKong berubah menjadi warna unggu.

Mujurlah, KingKong dapat melepaskan diri and terus lari lintang-pukang ….. tetapi lain pula dengan H-TigaKaliGanda. Dengan menggunakan pisau duriannya, dia cuba untuk menikam perut manusia-anjing itu tapi tidak berjaya, kerana kulit perutnya amatlah keras sekali. Manusia-anjing itu terus mengetawakan H-TigaKaliGanda macamlah butuhnya pendek bagai puting babi. “Ha ha ha. Mengeletarlah kamu semua di depan aku… anak kepada anjing betina engkorang !” teriak manusia-anjing itu … lalu terus melonjak ke atas H-TigaKaliGanda dan mengongketnya … sambil menjerit “Marilahh sayanggg… yaaaaaa”

Saya nyaris mati dihentak ketakutan … setelah ternampak kedua-dua penjahat tersebut dicabuli dan dirogol dek manusia-anjing itu, tanpa was-was. Selepas melakukan kesemua itu, manusia-anjing itu memberi pandangan malas kepada saya ..dan terus melenyapkan diri dari lorong itu. Apakah makhluk itu ? Adakah ia sejenis malaikat ? Saya tidaklah kongket tahu, apa yang saya tahu ialah makhluk itu telah menyelamatkan saya daripada dirompak penjahat. Pengalaman yang memang sukar dipercayai dan pelik.

Maka, baliklah saya untuk berjoging, balik ke rumah … menunjukkan punggung kepada orang-orang tua …. bersenyum kepada lembu-lembu …. dan melambaikan tangan kepada gadis-gadis sekolah ….. tiada hari yang lebih baik. Saya tidak akan berjoging lagi selama-lamanya.
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August 2, 2004

trauma

Realizing that I haven’t been exercising for sometime, I decided to have a jog around the neighborhood one fine day. I slipped into my Mizuno outfit and my Nike running shoes – and off I went – running like a champ. Nothing could describe my jovial mood at that time and oh it felt so great to filter the fresh air with my pair of lungs while sweating the filth away. I ran past a group of schoolgirls and waved. Ran past a herd of cows and smiled. Ran past a pack of wolves old people and flashed. It was a fine day that day. Never had I felt so close with the planet before. The trees… the birds… the wonderful neighbors… ahhhh.

As I capered around a corner happily, I suddenly realized that I was being followed. A motorcycle had been following me from behind. Sensing that something was not right, I ran to an alley attempting to shake off the motorcycle. I crouched down behind a big dumpster until I was sure that the motorcycle was gone. Then, I took a detour off the other end of the alley to get the fuck out of the place (before the motorcycle comes back).

As I was about to exit the alley onto the main street, suddenly, a guy jumped out of nowhere. He was about the size of Triple H… and was grinning like a bobcat (I copied this expression from a song). Obviously, he was up to no good as I could see he was holding a durian blade. Without delay, I tried to flee though the other end of the alley… only to be cornered by another big guy! This second guy, he was about the size of Kingkong Bundy and was holding a big club! (if you do not know who are Triple H and Kingkong Bundy, please… go find a nearest toilet bowl… put your head into it… and flush.)

I was trapped ! Now, from the way the 2 unknown brutes look, I didn’t think they’re there to shake my hands and socialize. They obviously had some sinister plan in mind. I was hoping for the worst not to happen – that they were not some anus hungry homosexuals that were randomly looking for their victim… nor were they thugs who wanted their victims mutilated, just for the fun of it.

Cornered and outwitted, I was left with no choice, but to resort to the last survival option that I learned from TV… I gave out a loud blood curdling scream. Just as the 2 scoundrels got themselves ready to pound on me, suddenly, I heard something growling, very loud. The loud noise staggered the 2 brutes as well and everything seemed like frozen for a moment there.

That was when I saw something that I wouldn’t forget for the rest of my life. A man… no… a dog… no no… I wasn’t sure. It was a half man half dog creature in a rubber suit… who posed like a Leonardo DaVinci naked model. Needless to say, all the 3 of us were dumbfucked – as neither of us had any idea what the hell that thing wa. It ambled steadily towards our direction… until the shadow from it’s XXXL silhouette towered over us.

I was definitely scared shitless, for I was already being mugged by 2 thugs and then realizing that I had to deal with that monster dog shit. I shut my eyes tight – in hope that those motherfuckers would grant me a quick and painless death… when I heard a cool voice bellowing

“let go of the good looking gentleman… ”

It was that man-dog. He could talk. Cool – I thought.

One of the brutes didn’t spend another second to digest what the dog said and swung his club towards the man-dog’s face. Man-dog opened it’s mouth (muzzle actually) and snapped the club into 2 pieces… and started to bite on KingKong Bundee’s hand. Boy, he bit KingKong so hard that his hand turned purple.

KingKong managed to wriggle free and flee… but Triple H decided to try his luck. Using his super sharp durian blade, he tried to stab man-dog’s stomach but fuck his stomach skin was so tough, that the man-dog was just standing there ridiculing the thug as if his dick was as short as a pig’s nipple. “Ha ha ha… tremble before me you son of a bitch. ” And the man-dog proceeded to hump the shit out of Triple H… while yelling frantically “Cmon bebeh .. yesssss”

It scared me to death … for I witnessed the 2 brutes being desecrated and ravaged by that beast, indiscriminately. After he had done all that, it kinda gave me a lazy gaze and left the alley with style. What was that thing? A guardian of some sort? I don’t fucking know but, for sure, it actually rescued me from getting mugged. What an unbelievable and bizarre experience.

I continued to run back to my home after that… flashing to the pack of old people… smiled to a herd of grazing cows… and waved to a bunch of schoolgirls… day couldn’t have been any better. I would never jog in my life ever again.

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July 28, 2004

spot an idiot

I was asked by my new boss, Pete, to attend a session of presentation by a ‘very important person’ today. I wasn’t in the mood of attending the presentation but, I didn’t have a choice as Pete told me that it was an order from the top and it was compulsory.

When I reached the auditorium for the presentation, it was already half full. The remaining vacant places were either at the front row, or amongst some of the shittiest people I didn’t like. Fuck, I thought. If my somber mood could be directly converted to sexual gratification, I would have ejaculated all over the goddamn room. I then found a nearby empty seat and started daydreaming.

Then, something came to me. I was suddenly struck with an idea to amuse myself throughout the boring session of the presentation. Instead of sitting around killing myself by idling my brain listening to bullshits, I decided to play a game called “Spot An Idiot”. The rules are very simple – Observe the happenings around the room, and identify who’s the idiot. So I started spotting…

idiot #1 : Pete.
That’s my new boss. He’s an idiot. He was the one who invited me to this stupid presentation. It was a total waste of time and attending the presentation wouldn’t have made any difference to anything on any planet. I could have used the time to do something more meaningful like surfing the net. He automatically qualifies to be an idiot for doing that.

idiot #2 : The ‘very important person’.
The guy who did the presentation. Hell, I didn’t even know his fucking name. He is suppose to be our VP or something. He looks like a typical fat American white cop with a thick mustache. He was that kind of nobody cop that always be the first to get shot (and die quickly) in an action film (you get the idea)… I think he’s an idiot because he’s wasting so many people’s time. Period.

idiot #3 : A director called Hamlae (try to find out what that means in Thai…)
When the fat cop VIP started his presentation, that sycophant Hamlae brought in 3 cans of Diet Coke with 3 glasses filled with ice cubes to the VP (VP came with another 2 American managers). Everyone could see that Hamlae was attempting to suck those VIPs dicks. I mean, come on, the session was only like 1 hour… not a 5 hours journey to hell or something. What a fucking cocksucker. He’s a clear winner of all idiots.

idiot #4 : a Malay lady clerk with head scarf
Her cellphone rang out loud during the VIP’s presentation. It was a cheapskate ring tone of a classic P.Ramlee song. She answered it and hung up. Then her phone rang again. The first time was acceptable, but the second time was not. She could have switched her phone to silent after the first time. She’s an idiot.

idiot #5 : the 1st American manager
This guy did his presentation entirely by looking at the screen, not the crowd. He was reading the slides to the crowd… and spoke so softly that I could barely make up the words he said. (Not that it mattered, as I was not paying any attention… but it was important to determine if he’s an idiot). Heck, if it was all about reading slides, he might as well let the crowd read it themselves. A fucking idiot he was.

idiot #6 : the 2nd American manager
When this guy presented his slides, he started it off by talking about his beard. The thing was, he had no beard. Well, he was actually talking about how he used to have a beard. And I thought that was a lame start for any presentation. I do not see how a beard could enhance an experience of listening to any corporate bullshit. If it was supposed to be funny, it was not. I-D-I-O-T.

idiot #7 : Dickhead.
If you remember Dickhead, he was one of the motherfuckers I listed in my hate list. Why was he an idiot? Well, he’s always an idiot… no doubt. But to be fair to the game, he wasn’t one until he raised his hand to ask the VIP a question. What question? I don’t know, because nobody in the room understood what he was trying to ask. The VIP, being an idiot himself, hadn’t got a clue as well. He kinda answered Dickhead by blindly quoting something totally incoherent. Dickhead nodded in approval (even when the answer’s not what he wanted to know). I guess he was trying to show everyone that he’s smart or something. What a fucking idiot.

idiot #8, #9, #10…
There were so many idiots I spotted in that room, that I kind of lost track of them as individuals. It was as if all of them couldn’t wait to tell me that they’re idiots and I should include them in my list. They’re like zombies creeping out of the muddy dirt. Fucking attention seeking idiots…

idiot #infinity : the VIP again
I couldn’t understand why this guy could become a VIP. The rotund idiot was not only stupid, but he was full of bullshit as well. Stone faced and probably had a 20 second delay to react to anything. He also had the penchant to use high level words like ‘deliverables, strategies, alignment, synergy, teamwork’. Fuck. None of his presentation made sense.
Eg. “My organization plans to work on reducing this & that through teamwork. With strategy.” Yes, but how? Everyone seems to fucking know what’s there to be done… but HOW? What were those high paying bastards doing except wasting time presenting spastic theories and motivational bullcraps? Fucking hell.

I decided to stop counting after that – because the VIP kept showing up in my radar screen and kept messing the score. I kinda lost track of everything and then I left. (It was too idiotic for me)

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
July 22, 2004

bat vs spider

I always liked both of these superheroes – Batman and Spiderman. If I get to choose who would I be, I’ll probably have a hard time deciding. But then, I know I’ll eventually go with Batman. Here are the reasons why… obviously…

Batman – that guy’s rich and good looking. He always has awesome looking girls going after him. Even if he’s off duty, his life is never dull – because he’s just too loaded to be dull. And yeah, not to mention he also owns a magnificent motor car, a private jet, a sexy helper (batgirl), a sidekick (robin), a faithful servant and a nice castle. He loves his job night and day, 100% satisfaction.

Spiderman – is meager looking and young. Heck, he even have zit marks. He can stick to walls, which is a pretty cool feat. With that, I reckon he won’t find it difficult to peep at his favorite model taking a shower. He can swing anywhere he wanted to, nice. But his off-duty life is a bit of a sad affair. Poor, almost jobless and lack of life. Well yeah… a couple of girl friends but… they are never crazy about him enough to warrant an exciting life. Kinda depressing to be Spiderman.

Moreover, I think if both of them were to have a 1-to-1 fight, Batman would probably cream Spidey’s ass with no sweat.

Scenario – a fight scene in an alley:
Spiderman casts a web over Batman, trapping him. Batman whips out a sonic cutter hidden inside his hi-tech gauntlet and frees himself. By that time, Spiderman already climbed up to the lamp post, ready to dive down for a kick at Batman’s nice dimpled chin.

Spiderman dives down and misses, as Batman manages to flip upwards with his built-in pogo stick inside his boots. Spiderman is in deep shit, because at that split second, Batman lands down with his knee, pounds Spiderman right in the middle of his masked skull. THOOOOORRRKKK !!

The red masked hero goes down and is writhing in pain. Batman lifts him up and gives him a 360 degree pile-drive on the hard concrete floor. Spiderman’s mask is half ripped due to the poor quality material used (because he’s so damn poor). Batman then gives Spiderman another kick at the spine, catapulting him onto the open road and gets mowed by a car. Car is badly wrecked but Spiderman is unscathed. He then gets up and swing towards Batman, with a projectile kick.

Sensing danger, Batman slips out a can of insecticide from his cape and sprays it with all his might. It partly destroys Spiderman’s red boots exposing some of his toes. The arachnid hero is choking hard from the insecticide poisoning… and is high time disoriented.

Taking advantage of the situation, Batman whips out his mobile phone and calls for his sidekicks for help. And now, we have Batman, Batgirl and Robin rounding Spiderman up. Together, they pummeled the shit out of Spiderman. By the time the heroic bat trio finish having their fun, Spiderman is already reduced to a very bruised dude with badly torn rubber costume, with his spidery dick dangling out on the filthy walkway.

Then, Batman squat down close to Spiderman and denigrates him with some Hokkien profanities – “Leh mar ho beh kan…” (translation: Your mom gets fucked by a horse..). While Batman is doing that, Robin takes out a can of spray paint and draws some graffiti on the nearest sidewalk – PETER PARKER IS SPIDERMAN.

After that, the three of them walk nonchalantly off the ghetto-ish alley… how cool.

Batman rawks.

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